Wife cheated 23 years ago - just found out

[wifehurtheart]

My D-day was 5 weeks ago and I have been riding an emotional roller coaster ever since. My wife and I have been together for 23 years. We are both in our early 60’s and were both married before. We were married five months after being introduced to each other by one of her sisters. Over the years we have had a few challenges but we have stayed strong together and gotten through them. Our relationship has strengthened over the years and we are now extremely close empty nesters who spend a lot of time together and have quite an active and satisfying sex life. She was 37 and I was 40 when we married, so we each knew that the other had a romantic and sexual history, and that has never been an issue. Over the years we have shared stories about our histories with each other from time to time, but that has always been voluntary and neither of us ever asked the other the question “How many people have you been with?” or for details of the other’s former sexual activities. For some reason, starting about two months ago we really began to open up to each other in casual conversations regarding previous relationships and sex partners. My wife in particular seemed to have a need to tell me everything she could think of about herself in this regard. I found a lot of it quite interesting and entertaining (she had some funny stories to tell), and some of it was even a turn-on. This sharing of stories went on for a couple of weeks until a Saturday morning when she was doing her hair at her dressing table and I was lying on the bed chatting with her. She finished telling me something and then said, “Well, I think I’ve told you everything about my past. I think you probably know more about me than anyone but me.” I could see her face in the mirror of the dressing table and of course she could see me too. I gave sort of a chuckle and said half jokingly, “So you’ve never cheated on me?” Her face dropped and her eyes looked away, and she sort of muttered “I can’t answer that.” Then she said, “But I can’t lie to you either”. What she related next drove a spear through my heart and destroyed the 23 years of security that had built up for me in our relationship.

 

Her story: A couple of months after we were married she had to fly to Florida, where she had previously lived, for a custody hearing with her ex. She was very nervous and scared about this hearing, as she was representing herself before the court and he had hired a pretty high powered attorney. The plan was for her to fly down on the day before the hearing, spend the night in a motel, get up and go to the hearing early the next day, then fly back home that evening.

 

When the day arrived and she landed in Florida she picked up a rental car, drove to the motel and checked in. She had purposely reserved a room at a motel near a very nice beach she used to visit when she was married to her ex. My wife loves to walk on beaches --- they are a source of peace and calm for her. This day she stopped at liquor store on the way to the beach because she was a nervous wreck because of the hearing the next day and she thought a little rum would calm things down. She wasn’t a teetotaler but she wasn’t a big drinker either.

 

She spent a couple of hours walking on the beach and drinking her rum, and she realized at some point that she had a pretty good buzz on. She remembered a cute small diner she had seen not far from her motel and decided to go there and get something to eat. When she entered the diner it was nearly empty and she seated herself alone in a booth. A bit later, a man she describes as “good looking with salt and pepper hair” came in. She thinks he was probably about 45. He sat in an empty booth facing her and they exchanged greetings. As they sat there eating they struck up a conversation. He seemed like a very nice guy and she learned that he was a professional photographer who really enjoyed his work. As they talked he asked if he could join her in her booth. She says didn’t see any harm in this. I’ve told her I would have been seeing red flags all over the place at that point, but she felt he was harmless and she was enjoying having someone who seemed nice to talk to rather than heading immediately back to her hotel room and sitting there alone thinking about the next day. I should point out that my wife is a very trusting person when it comes to people and always thinks the best of them rather than the worse.

After some conversation he asked her if she would like to follow him home and see some of his photography work. She claims to not know why to this day but she said yes. She followed him to his house, where he poured wine for both of them and began showing her his work. (By now I would have had a pretty good idea of what he really wanted to show me…..and like the word "photography it also starts with the letter “p”), but she says she just wasn’t thinking about that and definitely did not follow him to his house with the idea of having sex with him. I will spare most of the details, but she ended up in bed with him. She remembers that they drank a lot of wine (she’s not using that as an excuse) and at some point he began to kiss her and fondle her. Somewhere along the way he suggested that they take a shower, and she thinks he may have been trying to sober her and himself up because she seems to remember that they were quite drunk and the shower water was cool or cold. Once they got to his bed, she claims that he was too drunk to maintain a complete erection so he couldn’t “get it in”. Whether that’s true or not or whether she is just sparing me that detail, I probably will never know. She has admitted, however, that he had his hands all over her and she did some oral to him, so she is probably telling the truth. The mind movies have been murder!! She says she realized by the time they got to his bedroom that she was doing something very wrong and she thought about backing out, but he had gotten pretty aggressive and she realized that she didn’t really know this man at all so decided to just give him what he wanted and get it over with. She says he fell asleep soon after and began snoring loudly, at which point she got off the bed quietly, got dressed and left the house without awakening him. She says she cried on the drive back to the motel, and when she got there she was feeling dirty so spent a long time in the shower trying to get “clean” and crying.

 

I know from the reading I’ve been doing that some betrayed spouses don't want to know the details and some have a need to know everything. I’m in the second category. I have asked a bazillion questions. Some things she simply does not remember due to the passage of time, but since she initially told me about this she has been completely willing to answer any question she could. I know that many of the questions have been very painful for her to answer, and the answers have been painful for me to hear, but she has totally acknowledged my need and right to ask them and has been very patient in trying to answer everything. She has apologized repeatedly and wants to work at rebuilding my trust and our marriage. She has told me that even though she doesn’t think of this incident often any more, it bothered her terribly for a long time and any time it popped into her head she wanted to tell me but didn’t want to hurt me. But she said when I asked her directly that morning 5 weeks ago whether she had ever cheated on me she couldn’t lie about it. She swears that she has never done anything like this again and I have no reason not to believe her. She has never given me any reason to suspect that anything has been going on since then. She has told me repeatedly that she owns this dirt and makes no excuses.

 

Even though this happened over 20 years ago, that does not lessen incredible surprise, pain, anger and disappointment I have been experiencing. When she told me about it, it might as well have happened the previous evening. She understands that even though she has had 20+ years of knowing this, it is fresh and raw for me. As I said earlier, the mind movies have been horrible, although they probably only show up about 8 or 10 times a day now rather than once every three minutes, which it seemed they did at first. I read somewhere else here how the sex part is the hardest part for a man to get over when his wife cheats on him. I truly believe that, since the sex part was pretty much the only part of my wife’s one night fling. She says it was not even satisfying for her, as I guess he was pretty selfish and “one-way”. I just wish she could tell me why she did it, but she can’t. I think if she told me that she saw this guy and was incredibly attracted to him so she just decided since she was far from home and would never see him again that she was just going to screw him , I could understand. But she claims sincerely that she had no intention of having anything to do with him sexually when she went to his house. She’s pretty sure the booze had a lot to do with it but emphasizes that she does not want to use that as an excuse --- that what she did was wrong whether she was drunk or not.

 

In a strange way I feel lucky when I compare my story to those of some others here. My wife had a one night stand with a guy 1200 miles from where we live. She did not carry on an ongoing affair with him and there was no emotional attachment. She never had any further contact with him. She cannot explain why she did what she did but makes no excuses for it. She says it is not something she did before or has done since. I love her very much as I know she does me. We have 23 years of good history together and we are committed to moving forward and working together to make a marriage and relationship that is changed forever better and stronger than it ever was. She tells me often how sorry she is, and she lets me know several times a day how much she loves me. I had decided that I would not forgive her unless and until I truly felt forgiveness in my heart, and I was able to forgive her sincerely a couple of weeks after D-day. I know that she knows that what she did was very wrong and I know that she regrets it terribly and would take it back in a minute if she could. I also know that she truly gets how much she hurt me, and that I will never forget.

 

I’m just writing this because I really don’t have anyone I can talk to about it but felt like I needed to share it with someone.

 

By the way, she beat the high powered lawyer and won the custody battle.

Edited April 27, 2012 by wifehurtheart

[2sunny]

If and since her behavior has been loving and kind - as you described- it may be more useful to thank her for her honesty... I'm sure it was hard for her to tell - she must feel "safe" with you.

 

If it were me - I'd put it out of my mind and chalk it up to "stupidity while drunk" - by no means am I acknowledging her behavior as acceptable - but if it's a one time occurrence and she's been nothing but "honorable" since - you have to appreciate her being honest.

 

We've all done things we regret. If she's spent the past 23 years being kind and living and honest - its best to know that THAT outweighs her bad judgement on that day.

 

Moving forward... I know it hurts - but best not to dwell on things you can't change.

[Soul_Lost]

I agree with 2sunny on this. She has given you no reason in the past 23 years to think any differently than how you felt before you asked the question. The truth hurts sometimes and this single act from that many years ago has been trumped by many other positives since then.

[2sunny]

Usually IF we are asking a question - on some level we already know the answer...

[Ninja'sHusband]

For once I agree with Sunny. The fact that she was honest is a good thing. The fact that she apologizes over and over is also great. The fact that it is probably the only offense is wonderful. The fact that he is nowhere near you guys is another thing to be thankful for. I think you will have a quick recovery compared to many of us. The mind movies do suck, I'm sorry for that. Learn what you need to learn. For me sex made the movies worse at first but then better.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Even though this happened over 20 years ago, that does not lessen incredible surprise, pain, anger and disappointment I have been experiencing. When she told me about it, it might as well have happened the previous evening. She understands that even though she has had 20+ years of knowing this, it is fresh and raw for me.

 

Yep. 20 days or 20 years, it makes no difference. It's still a giant kick in the gut!

[DarkPrince]

Ill be honest. Im your case I think you should let it go, for both of your sakes.

I know you feel betrayed b/c on one hand you feel that the last 23 years was partly based on a lie, but if she never told you, you would never know any better. She respected you enough to tell you. 23 years is a long time, so if she's been faithfull since then she deserves a second chance.

[DarkPrince]

Yep. 20 days or 20 years, it makes no difference. It's still a giant kick in the gut!

 

This is true, and I never truly understood this until it happened to me. The kick in the gut feeling is the worst. It truly knocks the wind out of you when you find out your wife had been unfaithful no matter how long ago it was.

[whichwayisup]

My wife and I have been together for 23 years. We are both in our early 60’s

 

You planning on leaving and divorcing? Or do you plan on going to marriage counselling with her to help sort this out? 23 years is a lot of history to throw away.

 

Be angry, be sad, be disappointed, pissed off, hurt, betrayed.. You have every right to feel all that and more.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Ill be honest. Im your case I think you should let it go, for both of your sakes.

I know you feel betrayed b/c on one hand you feel that the last 23 years was partly based on a lie, but if she never told you, you would never know any better. She respected you enough to tell you. 23 years is a long time, so if she's been faithfull since then she deserves a second chance.

 

It has been my experience that in order to reconcile, you will need to "let it go" on some areas. If you can't "let it go", then good luck; pursue divorce. I have been through this extensively, and it requires you to swallow your pride. No way around it. Dig deep. What defines you? What defines happiness? How will you reframe 23 years? What was real, what was a lie? What if she never told you? Yes, it is gut wrenching. You are not alone.

[JustJoe]

WHH, here's the thing. Betrayal is betrayal is betrayal and the time frame makes little or no difference, as far as the shock, hurt and deceit goes. You need to do what is best for you. Before you and the other posters go patting her on the back for being "loyal and honorable", you do realize that she has lied to you by omission for 23 years, don't you? She kept her dirty secret for 23 years, how is that loving and faithful? My advice to you is to think about what you need or want from this situation, and go with it. Don't be pressured eithe for reconciliation or divorce. If you can forgive, then do so, but if you can't, then maybe some time apart would do you both some good. Remember lies aren't like wine, they don't improve with age.

[wifehurtheart]

Thanks to all of you for responding. I really didn't know or expect how much better I would feel about this whole thing when I first posted. It's great to be able to share this with others, since I haven't talked with anyone else in my life about it.

 

*JustJoe - believe me....I totally get the "lying by omission" part of this...that's one of the toughest parts of it to deal with. But one of the things I've tried to do is to ask myself what I would have done if the whole situation was reversed and it was ME who had gone to Florida and cheated on HER. That is certainly not beyond the realm of possibilities, and I'm not at all sure I would have told her either, for the same reason....because it was a one time stupid mistake in a far away place and I don't think I would have wanted to hurt her or risk losing her either.

Edited April 29, 2012 by wifehurtheart

[Michael Johnson]

My D-day was 5 weeks ago and I have been riding an emotional roller coaster ever since. My wife and I have been together for 23 years. We are both in our early 60’s and were both married before. We were married five months after being introduced to each other by one of her sisters. Over the years we have had a few challenges but we have stayed strong together and gotten through them. Our relationship has strengthened over the years and we are now extremely close empty nesters who spend a lot of time together and have quite an active and satisfying sex life. She was 37 and I was 40 when we married, so we each knew that the other had a romantic and sexual history, and that has never been an issue. Over the years we have shared stories about our histories with each other from time to time, but that has always been voluntary and neither of us ever asked the other the question “How many people have you been with?” or for details of the other’s former sexual activities. For some reason, starting about two months ago we really began to open up to each other in casual conversations regarding previous relationships and sex partners. My wife in particular seemed to have a need to tell me everything she could think of about herself in this regard. I found a lot of it quite interesting and entertaining (she had some funny stories to tell), and some of it was even a turn-on. This sharing of stories went on for a couple of weeks until a Saturday morning when she was doing her hair at her dressing table and I was lying on the bed chatting with her. She finished telling me something and then said, “Well, I think I’ve told you everything about my past. I think you probably know more about me than anyone but me.” I could see her face in the mirror of the dressing table and of course she could see me too. I gave sort of a chuckle and said half jokingly, “So you’ve never cheated on me?” Her face dropped and her eyes looked away, and she sort of muttered “I can’t answer that.” Then she said, “But I can’t lie to you either”. What she related next drove a spear through my heart and destroyed the 23 years of security that had built up for me in our relationship.

 

Her story: A couple of months after we were married she had to fly to Florida, where she had previously lived, for a custody hearing with her ex. She was very nervous and scared about this hearing, as she was representing herself before the court and he had hired a pretty high powered attorney. The plan was for her to fly down on the day before the hearing, spend the night in a motel, get up and go to the hearing early the next day, then fly back home that evening.

 

When the day arrived and she landed in Florida she picked up a rental car, drove to the motel and checked in. She had purposely reserved a room at a motel near a very nice beach she used to visit when she was married to her ex. My wife loves to walk on beaches --- they are a source of peace and calm for her. This day she stopped at liquor store on the way to the beach because she was a nervous wreck because of the hearing the next day and she thought a little rum would calm things down. She wasn’t a teetotaler but she wasn’t a big drinker either.

 

She spent a couple of hours walking on the beach and drinking her rum, and she realized at some point that she had a pretty good buzz on. She remembered a cute small diner she had seen not far from her motel and decided to go there and get something to eat. When she entered the diner it was nearly empty and she seated herself alone in a booth. A bit later, a man she describes as “good looking with salt and pepper hair” came in. She thinks he was probably about 45. He sat in an empty booth facing her and they exchanged greetings. As they sat there eating they struck up a conversation. He seemed like a very nice guy and she learned that he was a professional photographer who really enjoyed his work. As they talked he asked if he could join her in her booth. She says didn’t see any harm in this. I’ve told her I would have been seeing red flags all over the place at that point, but she felt he was harmless and she was enjoying having someone who seemed nice to talk to rather than heading immediately back to her hotel room and sitting there alone thinking about the next day. I should point out that my wife is a very trusting person when it comes to people and always thinks the best of them rather than the worse.

After some conversation he asked her if she would like to follow him home and see some of his photography work. She claims to not know why to this day but she said yes. She followed him to his house, where he poured wine for both of them and began showing her his work. (By now I would have had a pretty good idea of what he really wanted to show me…..and like the word "photography it also starts with the letter “p”), but she says she just wasn’t thinking about that and definitely did not follow him to his house with the idea of having sex with him. I will spare most of the details, but she ended up in bed with him. She remembers that they drank a lot of wine (she’s not using that as an excuse) and at some point he began to kiss her and fondle her. Somewhere along the way he suggested that they take a shower, and she thinks he may have been trying to sober her and himself up because she seems to remember that they were quite drunk and the shower water was cool or cold. Once they got to his bed, she claims that he was too drunk to maintain a complete erection so he couldn’t “get it in”. Whether that’s true or not or whether she is just sparing me that detail, I probably will never know. She has admitted, however, that he had his hands all over her and she did some oral to him, so she is probably telling the truth. The mind movies have been murder!! She says she realized by the time they got to his bedroom that she was doing something very wrong and she thought about backing out, but he had gotten pretty aggressive and she realized that she didn’t really know this man at all so decided to just give him what he wanted and get it over with. She says he fell asleep soon after and began snoring loudly, at which point she got off the bed quietly, got dressed and left the house without awakening him. She says she cried on the drive back to the motel, and when she got there she was feeling dirty so spent a long time in the shower trying to get “clean” and crying.

 

I know from the reading I’ve been doing that some betrayed spouses don't want to know the details and some have a need to know everything. I’m in the second category. I have asked a bazillion questions. Some things she simply does not remember due to the passage of time, but since she initially told me about this she has been completely willing to answer any question she could. I know that many of the questions have been very painful for her to answer, and the answers have been painful for me to hear, but she has totally acknowledged my need and right to ask them and has been very patient in trying to answer everything. She has apologized repeatedly and wants to work at rebuilding my trust and our marriage. She has told me that even though she doesn’t think of this incident often any more, it bothered her terribly for a long time and any time it popped into her head she wanted to tell me but didn’t want to hurt me. But she said when I asked her directly that morning 5 weeks ago whether she had ever cheated on me she couldn’t lie about it. She swears that she has never done anything like this again and I have no reason not to believe her. She has never given me any reason to suspect that anything has been going on since then. She has told me repeatedly that she owns this dirt and makes no excuses.

 

Even though this happened over 20 years ago, that does not lessen incredible surprise, pain, anger and disappointment I have been experiencing. When she told me about it, it might as well have happened the previous evening. She understands that even though she has had 20+ years of knowing this, it is fresh and raw for me. As I said earlier, the mind movies have been horrible, although they probably only show up about 8 or 10 times a day now rather than once every three minutes, which it seemed they did at first. I read somewhere else here how the sex part is the hardest part for a man to get over when his wife cheats on him. I truly believe that, since the sex part was pretty much the only part of my wife’s one night fling. She says it was not even satisfying for her, as I guess he was pretty selfish and “one-way”. I just wish she could tell me why she did it, but she can’t. I think if she told me that she saw this guy and was incredibly attracted to him so she just decided since she was far from home and would never see him again that she was just going to screw him , I could understand. But she claims sincerely that she had no intention of having anything to do with him sexually when she went to his house. She’s pretty sure the booze had a lot to do with it but emphasizes that she does not want to use that as an excuse --- that what she did was wrong whether she was drunk or not.

 

In a strange way I feel lucky when I compare my story to those of some others here. My wife had a one night stand with a guy 1200 miles from where we live. She did not carry on an ongoing affair with him and there was no emotional attachment. She never had any further contact with him. She cannot explain why she did what she did but makes no excuses for it. She says it is not something she did before or has done since. I love her very much as I know she does me. We have 23 years of good history together and we are committed to moving forward and working together to make a marriage and relationship that is changed forever better and stronger than it ever was. She tells me often how sorry she is, and she lets me know several times a day how much she loves me. I had decided that I would not forgive her unless and until I truly felt forgiveness in my heart, and I was able to forgive her sincerely a couple of weeks after D-day. I know that she knows that what she did was very wrong and I know that she regrets it terribly and would take it back in a minute if she could. I also know that she truly gets how much she hurt me, and that I will never forget.

 

I’m just writing this because I really don’t have anyone I can talk to about it but felt like I needed to share it with someone.

 

By the way, she beat the high powered lawyer and won the custody battle.

 

If she loved you why lie to you for over two decades? You need to think long and hard about that question.

 

You're in shock now and that is the only reason why you're willing to "forgive" her about the insurmountable amount of lies she's dealt to you.

 

She used alcohol as a medium to help clean the mentally moral chains in her mind. She kept this from you because she cared only about herself. Keeping you in the dark about her true self in order to maintain the good girl image and obtain custody was her number one priority, not you.

[2sunny]

Thanks to all of you for responding. I really didn't know or expect how much better I would feel about this whole thing when I first posted. It's great to be able to share this with others, since I haven't talked with anyone else in my life about it.

 

*JustJoe - believe me....I totally get the "lying by omission" part of this...that's one of the toughest parts of it to deal with. But one of the things I've tried to do is to ask myself what I would have done if the whole situation was reversed and it was ME who had gone to Florida and cheated on HER. That is certainly not beyond the realm of possibilities, and I'm not at all sure I would have told her either, for the same reason....because it was a one time stupid mistake in a far away place and I don't think I would have wanted to hurt her or risk losing her either.

 

Why were you compelled to even ask her? When asking that question - IF a person is honest - then you automatically have set the stage for potential pain when she answers honestly...

[2sunny]

One thing that jumps out at me " she doesn't remember "some things" due to the passage of time...

 

I can guarantee you - she remembers. I've had men even 30 years ago - we remember every detail. She may not want to tell - but she does remember.

 

We remember smells, where we were touched, what position, and what was whispered in our ear... Even 30+ years ago - I remember men and what they did and said. Those aren't things you forget... Especially if it was exciting.

 

If she was in a blackout drunken state - that's a different story ( you don't remember anything when you're in THAT state). But she seems to remember so she must not have been blacked out.

 

Did she EVER correspond with him ever again?

 

Are you two willing to see a counselor?

 

And why have you two been "opening up" now? What kept you from feeling THAT close before now?

[wifehurtheart]

I appreciate everyone's feedback. Some of you have commented on the fact that she kept her dirty little secret for 23 years and that is true. But when I asked the question (be careful what you ask!) she stepped up and answered honestly. I give her credit for that, and as I said in my last post, I don't know for sure that I would have come running home and thrown myself under the bus if it had been me who did the cheating. How many of us would?

 

 

2sunny: She may well remember more than she has told me; however, she has told me enough to totally incriminate herself and I am not going to beat every last detail out of her. I am not trying to defend what she did (and neither is she) but admitting to your husband that you took a shower with another guy and that you had his you-know-what in your mouth after you were married is not exactly hiding details. As to why I was compelled to ask her, I was sure that the answer was going to be "no" and was asking half in jest. I never dreamed that I would hear what I ended up hearing. As to your question about whether she corresponded with him again, she says she did not and I believe her. She has only been back to Florida twice since then and both times she was with me. Regarding why we have been opening up to each other now, neither one of us knows for sure. We have always been quite close, but opening up the way we have lately has brought us even closer.

 

 

Alice2012: I think she HAS been looking for a way to confess and I think that my asking the question provided the opportunity to do that. She says she thinks that one of the reasons she started being so open with me about her past without my asking is that she was trying to find a way to tell me about this and was sort of "building up" to it. I don't think she's looking to cheat with somebody she has her eye on. I think that bringing all of this out would be the last thing she'd want to do if that was the case. In spite of the pain her revelations have inflicted on me, this has been incredibly painful for her too. She could have just lied when I asked the question but she chose to be honest. I've asked her why she chose to tell me after all this time and she said she's always regreted keeping it from me and felt I deserved the truth.....she just could never bring herself to confess before now.

 

LoveHateIndifference: She absolutely is not blaming the guy she had sex with. She totally owns up to the fact that what she did was very wrong, whether she was drunk or sober. I don't think she's looking to cheat with somebody she has her eye on. I think that bringing all of this out into the open would be the last thing she'd want to do if that was the case. In spite of the pain her revelations have inflicted on me, this has been incredibly painful for her too. She could have just lied when I asked the question but she chose to be honest. I've asked her why she chose to tell me after all this time and she said she's always regretted keeping it from me and felt I deserved the truth.

[bosunmate]

I appreciate everyone's feedback. Some of you have commented on the fact that she kept her dirty little secret for 23 years and that is true. But when I asked the question (be careful what you ask!) she stepped up and answered honestly. I give her credit for that, and as I said in my last post, I don't know for sure that I would have come running home and thrown myself under the bus if it had been me who did the cheating. How many of us would?

 

 

2sunny: She may well remember more than she has told me; however, she has told me enough to totally incriminate herself and I am not going to beat every last detail out of her. I am not trying to defend what she did (and neither is she) but admitting to your husband that you took a shower with another guy and that you had his you-know-what in your mouth after you were married is not exactly hiding details. As to why I was compelled to ask her, I was sure that the answer was going to be "no" and was asking half in jest. I never dreamed that I would hear what I ended up hearing. As to your question about whether she corresponded with him again, she says she did not and I believe her. She has only been back to Florida twice since then and both times she was with me. Regarding why we have been opening up to each other now, neither one of us knows for sure. We have always been quite close, but opening up the way we have lately has brought us even closer.

 

 

Alice2012: I think she HAS been looking for a way to confess and I think that my asking the question provided the opportunity to do that. She says she thinks that one of the reasons she started being so open with me about her past without my asking is that she was trying to find a way to tell me about this and was sort of "building up" to it. I don't think she's looking to cheat with somebody she has her eye on. I think that bringing all of this out would be the last thing she'd want to do if that was the case. In spite of the pain her revelations have inflicted on me, this has been incredibly painful for her too. She could have just lied when I asked the question but she chose to be honest. I've asked her why she chose to tell me after all this time and she said she's always regreted keeping it from me and felt I deserved the truth.....she just could never bring herself to confess before now.

 

LoveHateIndifference: She absolutely is not blaming the guy she had sex with. She totally owns up to the fact that what she did was very wrong, whether she was drunk or sober. I don't think she's looking to cheat with somebody she has her eye on. I think that bringing all of this out into the open would be the last thing she'd want to do if that was the case. In spite of the pain her revelations have inflicted on me, this has been incredibly painful for her too. She could have just lied when I asked the question but she chose to be honest. I've asked her why she chose to tell me after all this time and she said she's always regretted keeping it from me and felt I deserved the truth.

 

I think it says alot to you how your wife feels about you. She very easily could have kept this concealed from you forever and your marriage would have been a lie. The fact that she has confessed means she has realized her mistake and respects you enough to be honest. The fact that the last 23 years have been good tells me that you and your wife have a good chance of making it through this as she is being honest and is full of remorse. Goodluck i am pulling for the two of you.

[Spark1111]

I think it says alot to you how your wife feels about you. She very easily could have kept this concealed from you forever and your marriage would have been a lie. The fact that she has confessed means she has realized her mistake and respects you enough to be honest. The fact that the last 23 years have been good tells me that you and your wife have a good chance of making it through this as she is being honest and is full of remorse. Goodluck i am pulling for the two of you.

 

I think she was very scared and very vulnerable the night before a child custody hearing: maybe more so than even she realized or expressed to you.

 

Drinking under such emotional turmoil can produce a deadly lapse in judgement and control:Where alcohol calms in most instances, in others it can cause terrible effects like being hit with a sledgehammer.

 

The friendly stranger was probably, at first, a welcome diversion from her anxiety but it grew into a situation she lost control of. He may or may not have sensed her vulnerability and decided it was in his best interests to fuel the sitch with even more alcohol.

 

Yes, she was naive. But her story rings true to me. And I applaud her that she did not want to go to her grave with that one terrible secret. What she did was a sign of respect to you.

 

That doesn't mean it hurts YOU any less, no matter when it happened. Keep talking about it, as often as you need to.

 

And think hard on the last 23 years. Love is an action and based on your post, the marriage has been very solid.

 

I think you have a very good wife and I think you know that already.

[wifehurtheart]

Spark1111: I think you have totally nailed how I am feeling about all of this right now. When you say "I think you have a very good wife and I think you know that already" you are right on. Thank you for your kind and understanding words and thank you for thinking about where she might have been back then emotionally. I haven't shared details of that time, but there was a lot of **** going on. That's not an excuse, just a fact.

 

She is hurting too. Some have suggested that she was just a floozie who took an opportunity while on an out-of-state trip to get drunk, pick up a guy, and get laid. Sorry folks, I know her better than that. I don't think we would be 23 years down the road and as close as we are if we didn't have something good going here. My issues are not about whether I want to stay with her or not.....no question there. I'm just trying to deal with the pain of having learned about something I (naively) never thought could happen to me.

 

bosunmate: Thank you. She and I have had dozens of conversations about this, and you're right.......she could have just lied and kept this concealed, but what I have gotten is exactly what you said...she didn't want our marriage to be a lie so she needed to get the truth out.

[wifehurtheart]

The friendly stranger was probably, at first, a welcome diversion from her anxiety but it grew into a situation she lost control of. He may or may not have sensed her vulnerability and decided it was in his best interests to fuel the sitch with even more alcohol.

 

Spark1111: She remembers that he kept refilling her glass before it was empty. I have not said this to her, and this is no defense of her actions, but it almost seemed to me that this guy had an m/o that he worked....."want to come to my house to see my photography?" and that she may have not exactly been the first woman who had this experience with him. Again, that's no defense of her but I do believe it's possible.

[Owl]

Wifehurtheart, just a reminder that you're posting on an internet forum, my friend.

 

None of us are 'trained professionals'.

 

Advice given here needs to be taken in that context. Some advice you'll find useful, some you won't. LS has tools to help you 'block' or 'ignore' posters that you don't find helpful, so that you can focus on the ones that you do find useful and relevent.

 

And I'd still heartily suggest that you DO consider taking this situation to a marriage/individual counselor to help you work through all of this...PROFESSIONALLY.

[nofool4u]

Thanks to all of you for responding. I really didn't know or expect how much better I would feel about this whole thing when I first posted. It's great to be able to share this with others, since I haven't talked with anyone else in my life about it.

 

*JustJoe - believe me....I totally get the "lying by omission" part of this...that's one of the toughest parts of it to deal with. But one of the things I've tried to do is to ask myself what I would have done if the whole situation was reversed and it was ME who had gone to Florida and cheated on HER. That is certainly not beyond the realm of possibilities, and I'm not at all sure I would have told her either, for the same reason....because it was a one time stupid mistake in a far away place and I don't think I would have wanted to hurt her or risk losing her either.

 

Well one thing is for sure, trips without you should now be definitely OUT. She has proven she can't handle it. Also, drinking without you should now be out.

 

I was in the same boat as you, only it was just 7 years later when I found out. I feel like my whole marriage was a lie. Believe me, I tried to stay, but mainly for the kids and in the end, it just made me sick to look at her face.

 

Like Joe said, the timeframe of when the betrayal happens matters not. Some will say do not throw 23 years of marriage down the drain for something that happened long ago. I say if you can't get past it, then by all means throw it down the drain. And whose to say she hasn't cheated in the past 23 years since then? She might have just thrown you a bone of something that happened long ago thinking you would see her as being honest, but that you wouldn't want to do anything "rash" after 23 years.

 

So what is your thinking? Stay? forgive? leave?

[nofool4u]

I don't see this as a "stupid mistake," but rather a grown 37 year old woman who was determined to get bombed and took a series of deliberate actions in order to end up from the liquor store . . . to a complete stranger's bed.

 

Exactly. She knew what she was doing.

[nofool4u]

She is hurting too. Some have suggested that she was just a floozie who took an opportunity while on an out-of-state trip to get drunk, pick up a guy, and get laid. Sorry folks, I know her better than that.

 

Or so you thought. The evidence, as Alice2012 pointed out, indicates you really didn't know her like you thought. Again, she knew what she was doing and went looking for companionship.

 

 

I don't think we would be 23 years down the road and as close as we are if we didn't have something good going here. My issues are not about whether I want to stay with her or not.....no question there. I'm just trying to deal with the pain of having learned about something I (naively) never thought could happen to me.

 

So you are staying and you want to know how to deal with the pain? Not sure what to tell you. Only way to truly get rid of pain is to get rid of the source.

 

But if you are staying, all you can do is try to do things that will keep your mind off what she did. Take up jogging, walking. Get a hobby or immerse yourself into something you really enjoy. She got to have her little fun in the early years, now time to do something for YOU.(no, not saying have an affair either). Just start spending more time doing things you enjoy. IMO its the only way you will be able to manage the pain, because you will NEVER forget, that is for sure.

 

You can only do things that take your mind off of it so it doesn't consume your every thought.

 

Oh, and regardless of how long ago it happened, or how many excuses you might want to make for her, she needs to lose certain privileges. No more going on trips without you. If she likes to go out and socialize, especially if it involves drinking, without you, sorry. She screwed that up.

[JustJoe]

WHH, the advice on LS is free, and you can take it or leave it, as you choose, but bear in mind that you started this thread, so if you get answers that you don't like, leave them alone and go on to the next one. There is no need for you to get your knickers in a twist. ..........Frankly, I wouldn't believe what your wife is telling you. I simply don't buy these sudden rushes of conscience. She says that you deserve the truth, and she's right, but you deserved the truth , from the moment it happened, where was all of this honesty and loyalty for the last 23 years? I would bet that she has been approached by some new guy and it (the affair) was brought back to the forefront of her thinking , so then she decided to finally fess up, because she has something new to feel guilty about. If there was no impetus, then why all of a sudden has she begun talking about her sexual past? I really think that you need to be vigilant and get to the bottom of this. Something is not right here.