Wife cheated 23 years ago - just found out

[wifehurtheart]

I apologize for "losing it" a bit. I understanding that the feedback I get is going to be varied and contradictory at times.

[Quiet Storm]

I am sorry that your wife cheated on you.

 

I understand that you are looking for a way to live with this information. The happy, secure and content life that you have known has been turned upside down. It is natural to want move forward like this was just a blip on the radar.

 

I think that your marriage will never be what it once was. It will never have that innocent bliss. The blind trust is gone forever. The belief that you know your spouse, inside and out, and what they are capable of, is gone.

 

Although your wife did confess, in my opinion it is not the same as confessing shortly after the fact.

 

She did not tell you back then out of fear and selfishness. She did not want her actions to taint the marriage. She was not prepared to accept her consequences.

 

What she didn't realize, is that her actions tainted the marriage, regardless of your knowledge. You may have not known, but she did. Every kiss, every conversation, for a thousand Sunday sleepy mornings in bed...she knew. She knew she was skipping a chapter in the story of your marriage. A chapter that you deserved to know about.

 

You were partners. She had information that she knew you would be important to you, and she chose to hide that from you for twenty three years. She robbed you of your choice to decide if you wanted to stay with a cheater. You were happy in your marriage, but only because you did not have all the information. Think back...would all of your good times have been as pure and real, if the cloud of infidelity had been hanging over you?

 

So while she did give you 23 great years, those years may have only been perceived as "great" because you did not have all the information about your spouse and your marriage. You would likely have perceived those joys differently had you been privy to the truth.

 

I understand that you want to remain in the marriage, but I would really ask yourself why? Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you are older now and settled and don't want to make changes? If you wife is capable of keeping this secret for all these years, what else is she capable of? Think of the qualities she has to offer, and ask yourself if integrity, honesty and loyalty are important to you.

 

I think that you are in shock now and you want to believe that this mistake was an abberation, but after time has passed and you begin to accept the reality of this, you may realize that you are no longer happy with her. I think that you will be triggered by comments she makes, by movies and TV, by memories of years past. You will be triggered by men with salt & pepper hair, by bottles of wine and whenever FL is mentioned. The walks on the beach that you used to love will be marred by her infidelity.

 

I am not saying this to cause you more pain, but just to let you know that things have forever changed.

 

Today, your memories and the connection you feel with your wife is sustaining you. Be aware that time may pass and you may slowly see those memories in a different light. You may become guarded and lose your intimate connection. It may end up that instead of twenty three years of great memories, all that is left of your marriage is this one big lie.

 

People can change and mature. It is less the act of cheating that bothers me in your case, because I believe that infidelity can be overcome and forgiven. What bothers me in your situation is the fraud. For many, many years, your wife misrepresented herself. To me, that feels fraudulent.

 

This isn't about the intital betrayal, but about respect. I think that for her to keep this quiet all these years, she must not respect you very much. That lack of respect, year after year, is your issue and I would have a hard time getting over that.

[Owl]

I'm going to disagree a bit here.

 

You're the only one who can decide if there was enough "truth" in your marriage...even in the face of the lie by ommission for 23 years...for you to continue marriage with her or not.

 

I can see how you can look at this from a "this happened then, but now is now" viewpoint as well.

 

Yes, she cheated on you, and she left you in the dark about it deliberately, intentionally, selfishly.

 

It's up to you to decide if that lie overshadows everything else or not. I can see good arguments either way.

 

Decide what your plan is from here. You can forgive and try to rebuild, you can divorce and move on...these are your choices to make, regardless of what anyone else thinks you should do.

 

Figure out what outcome you want from this situation...then post her and let us know, and folks can provide advice and support to help you reach that goal, regardless of which path you choose to take.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I'm going to disagree a bit here.

 

You're the only one who can decide if there was enough "truth" in your marriage...even in the face of the lie by ommission for 23 years...for you to continue marriage with her or not.

 

I can see how you can look at this from a "this happened then, but now is now" viewpoint as well.

 

Yes, she cheated on you, and she left you in the dark about it deliberately, intentionally, selfishly.

 

It's up to you to decide if that lie overshadows everything else or not. I can see good arguments either way.

 

Decide what your plan is from here. You can forgive and try to rebuild, you can divorce and move on...these are your choices to make, regardless of what anyone else thinks you should do.

 

Figure out what outcome you want from this situation...then post her and let us know, and folks can provide advice and support to help you reach that goal, regardless of which path you choose to take.

 

There is a lot of truth to Quiet Storm's post, and Owl is offering very sensible advice. I'll try to add to their contributions.

 

There are three basic ways to frame your situation. The first two are extremes, and the the third is closer to reality:

 

1 - Your wife is a liar and a cheater. She stabbed you in the back and left the shank there for two decades. She lied by omission for 23 years, especially at every anniversary celebration, every Valentine's dinner, every "I love you", you get the point. She can not be trusted. You will always second guess her faithfulness and intentions. Looking back you can not tell what was real and what was a lie.

 

2 - Your wife made a terrible decision 23 years ago and lied to protect you, a husband that she loves very much. She lied to protect you, to protect herself, and to protect your marriage. That one night in FL was an anomally in your marriage. Those 23 years are not a complete lie. Out of guilt and shame she gave you the best that she knew how. It's been 23 years. She's not the same person. You are not the same person. Your marriage is not the same marriage.

 

3 - Somewhere between 1 & 2. It could be argued that the third option is 1 AND 2.

 

Some days Option 1 will come all too easily. Some days Option 2 will come easily. Most days you will be somewhere under Option 3. Only you know where you fit in. Only you know your relationship with your wife.

 

Whatever you decide (reconcile or divorce), it is my hope that you will receive the support that you need. It sucks, and I wish you the best.

[Stellar Wench]

I don't know for sure that I would have come running home and thrown myself under the bus if it had been me who did the cheating. How many of us would?

Most of us wouldn't have cheated.

Why do you keep mentioning the reversal of roles? Have you cheated on your spouse?

[Stellar Wench]

For some reason, starting about two months ago we really began to open up to each other in casual conversations regarding previous relationships and sex partners.

 

My wife in particular seemed to have a need to tell me everything she could think of about herself in this regard.

How do you feel about this? After 20+ years, is this behaviour unusual?

[DarkPrince]

O/P said there were many other things going on in their lives back then that he has not told us about. I'm sure judging my his willingness to rationalize her behavior, those things had a lot to do with what happened.

[The Blue Knight]

A woman who admitted the details (oral) that she did is probably being deadly honest and this was her attempt to finally absolve guilt she's carried around for two decades by spilling it when the opportunity came up.

 

It's no doubt a setback for you personally, but honestly . . . are you really going to even consider leaving this woman whom you admitted that you love as much as you do? It happened over 20 years ago. I'd let it be if I were you.

 

You've got a good thing going. She made a mistake. She's asked for forgiveness. Move on with your relationship as quickly as possible.

[The Blue Knight]

For what it's worth Wifehurtheart not all of us "read into" these betrayed spouse posts in an attempt to play the role of Columbo. It's your wife and it's your life, and you're the one who has to live with what she did. Unless you have some other reason more than what you posted to believe your wife is being deceptive (I don't suspect this is the case) then just get back to the good things you both had before this revelation. I apologize that you had to get roughed-up for what you posted.

[wifehurtheart]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I appreciate the thoughtful comments, and there have been several, pro and con. I don't appreciate the ones that seem to think I am a totally naive and stupid person who doesn't get that my wife very likely has not told me absolutely EVERYTHING about this. I get that!!! I'm not going to whip her to get every last ounce of information out of her. Getting that information doesn't change the fact that she cheated on me, which is exactly what she did. I also get that she spent 23 years not telling me about it, okay? There have been multiple responses that repeatedly point that out. I will be 64 years old in September and have more than half a brain. I have spent 23 years with this woman and some of you seem to think she has sneaked out the back door every night for 23 years while I was stupidly watching the evening news as she went across the street and screwed the neighbor. We have 7 kids and 10 grand kids between us...she doesn't have TIME to sneak out the back door. It's almost like some of you think I haven't spent the past 23 years with her, but you apparently have because you seem to think you know a hell of a lot more about her than I do! I posted here looking for some support on how to deal with the pain of realizing that I had been betrayed....something I never expected. I was not looking for a judge and/or jury to help me convict my wife and execute her for her sins. I will not post here again.

[crazylove]

I believe the OP loves his wife dearly, and also that she still loves him after more than 23 yrs of marriage. No, it was not the right thing to do, but I can see how one thing would have led to another, and naiivety and alcohol would have had a large part to play. One silly mistake in 23 yrs...maybe you can forgive.

Life is way too short not to:)

Good luck!

[Michael Johnson]

A woman who admitted the details (oral) that she did is probably being deadly honest and this was her attempt to finally absolve guilt she's carried around for two decades by spilling it when the opportunity came up.

 

It's no doubt a setback for you personally, but honestly . . . are you really going to even consider leaving this woman whom you admitted that you love as much as you do? It happened over 20 years ago. I'd let it be if I were you.

 

You've got a good thing going. She made a mistake. She's asked for forgiveness. Move on with your relationship as quickly as possible.

 

I must respectfully disagree. She kept this from him for over 20 years. That was intentional. Nobody slips and falls into a ONS/affair.

 

My suggestion is that he should find out more about what happened. That's pretty disturbing she ends up giving oral to a guy she "claimed" she just met. If she kept this from him for so long, it's only logical to wonder whether there were other men she hooked up with.

[DarkPrince]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I appreciate the thoughtful comments, and there have been several, pro and con. I don't appreciate the ones that seem to think I am a totally naive and stupid person who doesn't get that my wife very likely has not told me absolutely EVERYTHING about this. I get that!!! I'm not going to whip her to get every last ounce of information out of her. Getting that information doesn't change the fact that she cheated on me, which is exactly what she did. I also get that she spent 23 years not telling me about it, okay? There have been multiple responses that repeatedly point that out. I will be 64 years old in September and have more than half a brain. I have spent 23 years with this woman and some of you seem to think she has sneaked out the back door every night for 23 years while I was stupidly watching the evening news as she went across the street and screwed the neighbor. We have 7 kids and 10 grand kids between us...she doesn't have TIME to sneak out the back door. It's almost like some of you think I haven't spent the past 23 years with her, but you apparently have because you seem to think you know a hell of a lot more about her than I do! I posted here looking for some support on how to deal with the pain of realizing that I had been betrayed....something I never expected. I was not looking for a judge and/or jury to help me convict my wife and execute her for her sins. I will not post here again.

 

I went through the same thing you did, and on these forums too. I want to forget about my wife's affair b/c I realize that its the best thing to do at this point. People say I should leave her etc, seems like th standard response they give everyone. Just b/c you choose to stay with your wife and forgive her, does not make you weak. It would be stupid to leave your life and punish yourself for something that happened so long ago. Like u said earlier, if you went down to FL, had a few drinks with a woman and had sex with her, would you have told your wife? Prob not, and prob not even 23 years later. So just chalk it up to an experience, becuase it not even really a lesson learned. Just my 2 cents.

[wifehurtheart]

Well here I go again with the same logic I used with Ninjashusband. It's his life. Let him live it as he sees fit. He asked for advice and he got it, and probably a bit more than he bargained for. It's up to him to decide how he wants to proceed from here.

 

Frankly, I think hearing that those details from his wife was probably very difficult for him. Considering he's in his early sixties and she's right there as well, life for them could be very short from this point on. I'd personally recommend that he and she live what life they have left out to the fullest rather than dwell on this.

 

It's not rug-sweeping to want to move on and put something behind you that you can't do anything about anyway. Should he publicly crucify her for a couple of days in the backyard to show her he's very hurt?

 

Some people on these betrayed spouse forums won't be happy until they've pulled the silver from the fillings of the wayward spouses teeth.

 

She's been revealed. She loves him and seeks his forgiveness. He loves her and wants to stay with her. I don't see where the complication is.

 

You couldn't have said it better.

[wifehurtheart]

I went through the same thing you did, and on these forums too. I want to forget about my wife's affair b/c I realize that its the best thing to do at this point. People say I should leave her etc, seems like th standard response they give everyone. Just b/c you choose to stay with your wife and forgive her, does not make you weak. It would be stupid to leave your life and punish yourself for something that happened so long ago. Like u said earlier, if you went down to FL, had a few drinks with a woman and had sex with her, would you have told your wife? Prob not, and prob not even 23 years later. So just chalk it up to an experience, becuase it not even really a lesson learned. Just my 2 cents.

 

Coudln't have said it better. Best wishes for you and good luck.

[Spark1111]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I appreciate the thoughtful comments, and there have been several, pro and con. I don't appreciate the ones that seem to think I am a totally naive and stupid person who doesn't get that my wife very likely has not told me absolutely EVERYTHING about this. I get that!!! I'm not going to whip her to get every last ounce of information out of her. Getting that information doesn't change the fact that she cheated on me, which is exactly what she did. I also get that she spent 23 years not telling me about it, okay? There have been multiple responses that repeatedly point that out. I will be 64 years old in September and have more than half a brain. I have spent 23 years with this woman and some of you seem to think she has sneaked out the back door every night for 23 years while I was stupidly watching the evening news as she went across the street and screwed the neighbor. We have 7 kids and 10 grand kids between us...she doesn't have TIME to sneak out the back door. It's almost like some of you think I haven't spent the past 23 years with her, but you apparently have because you seem to think you know a hell of a lot more about her than I do! I posted here looking for some support on how to deal with the pain of realizing that I had been betrayed....something I never expected. I was not looking for a judge and/or jury to help me convict my wife and execute her for her sins. I will not post here again.

 

Trust your gut....and your instincts. YOU know her better than anyone.

 

Keep talking. More importantly, keep listening.

 

If that fails, you COULD strap her to a chair, stick pins under her fingernails. give her electroshocks whenever you perceive she has lied or disrespected you again. You could then inform the world; divorce her; devastate the kids; break the hearts of your grandchildren; be lonely, miserable and alone.

 

HEY....WAIT a MINUTE. You could join the miserable, bitter, but "right" know it all group.

 

You would be so sad.....but hey, that would make them so happy to have converted one more man to their group!

 

You'd be stuck there, and iyour anger would show in every single post you right. They would feel so vindicated to have created another bitter misogynist.

 

Take care WHH. I'm rooting for you! You and your wife are gonna make it.

 

Enjoy the love and family you share in your golden years.

[g450]

Is it just me or does it look like the OP's last few postings were written by his wife? I sometimes wonder about that.

 

I can see him telling his wife about LS and his posting here and her coming in to do damage control to an anonymouse account. Which makes no sense of course. But ya gotta wonder.

 

If I were in OPs position I am also not sure of what I would do. But one thing for certain is that I would press for the full truth. And why now? Why 20 years later? She had to have known how devestating that would be to him. I think there is a reason why she chose to tell him. And that we will never know. I would not be surprised if the OP posts again in the divorce forum.

[indian_couples]

My D-day was 5 weeks ago and I have been riding an emotional roller coaster ever since. My wife and I have been together for 23 years. We are both in our early 60’s and were both married before. We were married five months after being introduced to each other by one of her sisters. Over the years we have had a few challenges but we have stayed strong together and gotten through them. Our relationship has strengthened over the years and we are now extremely close empty nesters who spend a lot of time together and have quite an active and satisfying sex life. She was 37 and I was 40 when we married, so we each knew that the other had a romantic and sexual history, and that has never been an issue.

 

You should not lose your sleep about something which happened 23 years ago. She was 37, young and in her prime fertility period. She was alone and got carried away. If just for a moment you keep your 'male ego' aside, you will realize that it's best for you to look at your present and future. Historically, 'male ego' had been more destructive than A-bombs!

[The Blue Knight]

So if my 41 year old self goes out this Friday night, gets totally bombed and has a one night stand, but then I wait 20-25 years to confess . . . does that automatically make me a "good wife" because so much time has passed from the time of the ONS to the confession?

 

I want to make sure I get this line of thinking straight. Because if at least 20 years goes by and my husband doesn't question my character and I'm able to rug sweep it away as a "drunken mistake," then I think I may just have my revenge affair after all.

 

Your analogy sounds a bit more premeditated Alice. I don't see that as quite the same thing. The thing is we can never know what was in his wife's heart and we never will. He either accepts her at face value and moves on, or he doesn't and instead beats this issue to death.

 

Incidentally, there's a reason that many criminal and civil laws often have statute of limitations attached to them.

 

What can it serve this man to "prosecute" her after 23 years together?

[The Blue Knight]

Is it just me or does it look like the OP's last few postings were written by his wife? I sometimes wonder about that.

 

I can see him telling his wife about LS and his posting here and her coming in to do damage control to an anonymouse account. Which makes no sense of course. But ya gotta wonder.

 

If I were in OPs position I am also not sure of what I would do. But one thing for certain is that I would press for the full truth. And why now? Why 20 years later? She had to have known how devestating that would be to him. I think there is a reason why she chose to tell him. And that we will never know. I would not be surprised if the OP posts again in the divorce forum.

Individuals often live with guilt that they'd love to rid themselves of but can't find a way. It appears that their conversation that day led to the question which led to her revelation. She probably had counted on the fact that 23 years together would create a buffer of damage control. Typically that is the case.

[JustJoe]

Listen, WHH, nobody is telling you to "punish", "crucify", or "prosecute", your wife. I think that too many posters become way too dramatic in their responses. My advice is that you, by all means , continue with your marriage, but now that you are aware of what your wife was capable of, once....she might have done twice, or more. You don't know, do you? I would make absolutely sure that now the cat is out of the bag, that you check the bag for more cats. You need to know ALL of the facts before you can make a really informed decision, and for your own peace of mind. This should be your primary concern. Reconciliation will be far more successful and sure if you know everything, and can be sure that this was indeed a one off.

[nofool4u]

You obviously believe that anyone who has evere cheated is a worthless, lying, useless and unforgiveable person and none of the positive comments I or anyone else has made here about her is going to change your mind. I have forgiven her for her MISTAKE. Have a nice life.

 

Ok, then why are you here? If you are going to call it a mistake, which sorry, it wasn't, then you are simply going to make excuses for her. You don't want to leave her. Thats obvious, and thats ok.

But if you are going to stay, at the very least don't fool yourself into thinking it was a mistake and that she didn't go looking for sex while drinking on a trip away from you.

 

Again, she knew what she was doing and it would be foolish for you to think it was a mistake, or think she was under the influence of some vulcan mind meld and she just couldn't help it.

 

Now, having said that, how do you cope? You simply need to do things that make you happy that have nothing to do with your wife. And if your wife thinks you should be ok with any further trips without you, or doing any drinking, or anything of the sort, without you, she needs to think again. Unless that is you still want to hold on to the idea that her seeking out a man for sex was a mistake and you don't care if she goes off somewhere without you, which then you'd be a fool.

 

Good luck

Edited May 2, 2012 by nofool4u

[drifter777]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I appreciate the thoughtful comments, and there have been several, pro and con. I don't appreciate the ones that seem to think I am a totally naive and stupid person who doesn't get that my wife very likely has not told me absolutely EVERYTHING about this. I get that!!! I'm not going to whip her to get every last ounce of information out of her. Getting that information doesn't change the fact that she cheated on me, which is exactly what she did. I also get that she spent 23 years not telling me about it, okay? There have been multiple responses that repeatedly point that out. I will be 64 years old in September and have more than half a brain. I have spent 23 years with this woman and some of you seem to think she has sneaked out the back door every night for 23 years while I was stupidly watching the evening news as she went across the street and screwed the neighbor. We have 7 kids and 10 grand kids between us...she doesn't have TIME to sneak out the back door. It's almost like some of you think I haven't spent the past 23 years with her, but you apparently have because you seem to think you know a hell of a lot more about her than I do! I posted here looking for some support on how to deal with the pain of realizing that I had been betrayed....something I never expected. I was not looking for a judge and/or jury to help me convict my wife and execute her for her sins. I will not post here again.

 

I've resisted commenting until now because many facets of this are too close to home for me. Now that some of the extremest posters have unleashed their venom, I'd like to provide some of my insight to OP.

 

First, there is certainly a difference when the affair was a ONS 23 years ago then an ongoing affair that you just discovered. I also believe it would be very destructive to you to ignore the behavior she has demonstrated since the ONS and end your marriage.

 

However, you have mentioned mind-movies and you are here so it is obvious you have been wounded. I hope you understand how typical your reactions are. You are on an emotional roller-coaster and must be so torn between your rational mind that tells you you must find a way to get past this ASAP and your emotional reaction that has to be sadness, anger, maybe even shame for what she did. You may feel that by forgiving her you are somehow approving of her behavior. Like I said, these are all typical responses, but that doesn't mean that your emotional reaction should be ignored or you may develop more angry feelings and even grow to feel contempt for your wife. To help you get through this I urge you to see a counselor. These people are trained to help you work through your feelings and give you a real chance to reach true forgiveness. I'm not a book salesman but I would also urge you to get the book "How can I Forgive You" so you can understand the difference between cheap forgiveness and true forgiveness. For what it's worth, I think you are on the right track since your wife is so remorseful and I would bet she will be more than willing to help you truly reach forgiveness. The thing is that can deny your feelings now and have them explode somewhere down the road. Don't take that chance; work through your strong emotions now while all of this is fresh.

[The Blue Knight]

Most of us wouldn't have cheated.

Why do you keep mentioning the reversal of roles? Have you cheated on your spouse?

It's called "empathy" and it serves one well by keeping them from being overly judgmental.

[Michael Johnson]

So let's say he finds out "more happened" that night Michael. What would it change preciously?

 

It has already changed the dynamics of their marriage already with the knowledge he currently has. To find out more about her infidelity and whether there were other men and analyze the obvious lies she told him would further expose her deception. He has that right to find out if he wants to, or he can simply ignore her calculating personality and "move on" like you stated previously.

Does he kick the woman to the curb after 23 good years?

Twenty-three years does not excuse her deceptive behavior. It does not excuse that she most likely used him to gain custody of her children nor does it excuse her cheating. It's only good in his eyes because he was kept in the dark about it.

 

Why do you see it as a negative to find out more of a spouse's cheating? Don't you think the BS should know as much as they can?

Some of you sound like desperate Agatha Christie wanna-be's. You see all these "secret society" like conspiracies every time someone posts one of these affair episodes. Sometimes, it is what it is. We don't have to read more into it.

I'm sorry but I don't know where did you get that impression. Do you have a personal issue against another's opinion? All I suggested was that he simply sit down, think, and investigate her story. Nowhere in my post did I state there's some type of conspiracy going on.

The man wanted opinions and he got quite a variety. He'll proceed in the direction that serves him best I'm sure.

Okay?