Wife cheated 23 years ago - just found out

[Spark1111]

It's the timeline that is essentially meaningful here Ham. If she cheated two months into their marriage and he found it out the next month, we wouldn't even be having this conversation because the OP would have likely bolted as quickly as he could pack his bags or kicked her out the door and nobody would have blamed him for either choice.

 

Time however is not stagnant and 23 years have passed and in that time this woman has by appearances never cheated again. Assuming that's the case, does he just pretend like the last 23 years are meaningless now? There is no further evidence of her cheating, and if there was, it's probably a fairly cold trail by now.

 

I'm assuming after the confession the OP probably did what we'd all do. He asked her if that's the only time something like this has happened and she obviously answered yes. Does he let this drive him crazy now or just decide that it's time to move on?

 

This isn't a 40 year old man with a 40 year old wife (if that even makes a difference). These are individuals in their twilight years. When 80%-85% of your life may be behind you, is this really worth pursuing just to make a point?

 

And let us not forget that they went on to have SEVEN children together....

 

I may only be speculating here, but I do not know of anyone who has SEVEN children without a deep level of commitment and respect for one another; a feeling of pride and cooperation that it is all good, supportive, and mutually satisfying.

 

That is, by today's standards, a Herculean task. Something TRULY to be proud of.

 

That bespeaks a partnership or strength, cooperation, and support for the last 23 years.

 

I wouldn't leave it for a stupid one night stand a long, long time ago before we began our legacy.

[g450]

Individuals often live with guilt that they'd love to rid themselves of but can't find a way. It appears that their conversation that day led to the question which led to her revelation. She probably had counted on the fact that 23 years together would create a buffer of damage control. Typically that is the case.

 

Well that's just what bothers me about this.

 

23 years didnt create a buffer IMHO. It created a pressure cooker.

I find it odd that she would see it this way.

They say time heals all wounds but he did not even know there was a knife in his back until just now so his healing starts now, not 23 years ago.

 

She took away the best years of his life. My XW did the same thing to a certain degree. He will never get those years back. He was cheated out of them by her living a lie with him. How do you recover from something like that?

 

I could see a recovery if she told him in his 20s or 30s but wow! It's like finding out you got cancer 20 years ago and could have gotten treated for it but now its untreatable thanks to her.

[JustJoe]

WHH, what WE feel doesn't really matter, does it? It's what YOU feel that is important. If YOU feel that you have gotten all of the information that you need, then it is up to you to weigh that information, in the light of your 23 year marriage history, and decide how best to proceed. Above all, protect yourself and your family. If you really feel that this is just a "speed-bump", in an otherwise great marriage, fine...but you have every right to know and expect, the full and complete truth (regardless of your age) and considering the time-length of the deceit, you also have every right to expect her to be willing to make whatever amends, YOU decide are necessary for your own peace of mind. Blue Knight's implications that your age and past history should mitigate in favor of rug-sweeping and "settling for", anything less than the complete story, is, IMHO, wrong.

[JustJoe]

Let me ask you straight out. Do you feel that she is now being completely honest? If so, then I would suggest some counseling , to help with the "mind movies", and re-establish trust. If not, then you need to get to the bottom of it, for your own sake. This can best be done by COMMUNICATION, not cross-examination, torture, brow-beating, or any of the other silly things that BK has dramatically suggested.

Edited May 3, 2012 by JustJoe

[JustJoe]

Nope, not implying that at all. I would expect full honesty as well, but there's no way to ever really know, particularly when it's 23 years ago.

 

Here's the problem with the approach you're using. If this woman was your wife, she'd sorely regret the day she ever brought this up to you because I doubt that you'd ever really get past it or let it go. You'd always believe you never had the "full truth" and that she wasn't being "completely transparent" and this is why I don't always agree with this approach.

 

This is WHY people like her hold these things in for 23 years. They don't want to open a can of worms that they fear they can never close.

 

Besides that. No matter how "transparent" someone is, there are always people on these threads who still think the WS is holding back, and they will never be satisfied.

 

Moreover, I don't see any reason in us debating. We've thrown out some views on the topic for the OP to consider and he'll follow the course that works best for him. Agree?

This is as sure a recipe for continued deceit, as I've seen, and has been used as an excuse by many WS's here at LS and in RL. Why tell the truth, if you suspect that you will get called on it? It's called integrity and maturity.

[nofool4u]

You need to read back in the thread and you will see Op clearly states he doesn't believe he got the full truth from her yet.

 

True.

 

And on that note, he says he has forgiven her for her "mistake". Well how does one forgive thinking they aren't getting the entire truth or are being lied to?

 

Its either blind forgiveness, or he really hasn't forgiven her.

 

Either way, he is deluding himself if he thinks she didn't go seeking sex and didn't want another man while states away and drinking.

[Owl]

He may be deluding himself. If so...that's his choice, his option.

 

As long as he's AWARE that something transpired back then...it's now on him to follow up to get the information he needs...or decide he doesn't need it and move forward from there.

 

I don't think any of us are telling him something he doesn't already know.

 

It's up to him to make his choice and deal with it however he chooses from here.

 

We can't make him make a choice choice that we think is best, or even force him to make that choice.

 

It's all him now.

[wifehurtheart]

Okay……I have not visited this site since my last post on May 1st. In spite of my declaration then that I would not post again I am going to respond one more time. I appreciate that some here, particularly The Blue Knight, Spark1111 and bosunmate actually get why I posted in the first place. I posted here looking for feedback on how to deal with the pain of learning of my wife’s betrayal. I did not start this thread in the hope of gaining help in deciding whether to stay in my marriage or not. That decision has already been made. I love this woman and she loves me and I am not about to throw away 23 years with her without putting a heck of a lot of effort into it. She has apologized and asked for forgiveness several times. She and I both know that the marriage is changed forever as a result of her confession, but we are committed to doing the work we know it will take to hopefully make it even better in the long run.

 

Those of you who think we need more transparency and truthfulness here apparently don’t believe me when I say that she has provided a ton of details to me, all of which I don’t feel the need to share here. Some of you obviously didn’t read the part of my original post where I explained how she admitted to taking a shower with a guy she says was a complete stranger and having his d**k in her mouth a couple of hours after she met him. I didn’t beat this information out of her…..she VOLUNTARILY told it to me. Do I really need to know more? What could she possibly tell me that would top that??? That she had a “three-way” with a horse and a german shepherd? I think I have all of the information I need. I am not about to strap her to a lie detector machine or waterboard her to see if I’ve missed anything. Let me be clear: I am satisfied that I know enough, and I’m the only person who needs to be satisfied that I know enough.

 

Regarding, whether she ever had another “fling”, she swears to me that she has not and I believe her. I have never seen anything to make me think otherwise, and if anything like that ever has happened I guess that is a secret she will take to her grave. After telling me everything she has told me about the ONS being discussed here, I can’t imagine she wouldn’t have spilled her guts about anything else as long as that cat was out of the bag. She didn't really have that much to lose at that point, as she had already told me enough where she knew full well that I might just pack and leave.

 

I am not going to respond individually to each of the sometimes ridiculous posts I have seen here. Here’s the bottom line: My wife cheated on me three months after we were married. She kept this a secret from me for 23 years. I KNOW these things! I don’t know how many times these pieces of information need to be revisited here…I knew these things before I ever started this thread, and it has become apparent to me that you extremist posters who seem to always think the WS is hiding something no matter what and would not be happy even if I told our kids, our grandkids, and our entire family about this and then finished her off by beheading her with a guillotine in the town square. I saw a comment on another thread here talking about the fact that if you decided to stay and try to save your marriage you are basically derided and considered a failure or a weak person, and I totally get that after my experience here.

 

It has been suggested that she actually remembers everything about that night but is not admitting to that. Give me a break. I remember what restaurant she and I and our wedding party had dinner at the night we got married, but I don’t have a clue as to what I ate for dinner or had to drink. Nobody remembers everything that happened 23 years ago!

 

There have been claims here that I have said emphatically that I know she is not being completely truthful. I never said that……I believe I said that she may well remember more than she has told me. Only she knows that. Again, I know enough. She and the OM are the only two people on the planet (assuming he’s still on the planet) who know for sure what went on that night .

 

Ham made a reference to an “absence of love” and suggested that my wife has been pretending for the past 23 years. Really??? This woman and I have been through ups and downs together, having to do with problem kids, sick kids, finances, car accidents, job losses, etc., and you think she just stuck around hoping it would get better? I am not a wealthy man (not even close) so that’s certainly not a motive. I’m 5’ 7” and bald, so it’s not like I’m arm candy. I don’t think any person is capable of ”pretending” to love someone for 23 years.

 

"And let us not forget that they went on to have SEVEN children together...."

 

"Often leaving another question hanging in these situations, that is, are they all biologically the BH's?"

 

The “let us not forget” post was from Spark1111, and the response from Ham. Let me clarify something here: In a previous post I indicated that my wife and I have 7 kids and 10 grandkids BETWEEN us. You’ll recall that she originally went to Florida for a custody hearing against her ex. These children are not all biologically mine…..four are hers from her first marriage and three are mine from my first. Together, they are all OURS. God the cynicism here is thicker than fog at times.

 

I think I’m done here. I appreciate the many “best of luck” wishes, and I wish you all the same.

Edited May 3, 2012 by wifehurtheart

[confusedinkansas]

THANK YOU

THANK YOU

THANK YOU

 

You are the man my husband is.

 

Not weak

Not a door mat

 

A genuine man that knows what love truly is & knows that it's not worth throwing away for something like this.

 

Again...........THANK YOU for your post.

[nofool4u]

I love this woman and she loves me and I am not about to throw away 23 years with her without putting a heck of a lot of effort into it. She has apologized and asked for forgiveness several times. She and I both know that the marriage is changed forever as a result of her confession, but we are committed to doing the work we know it will take to hopefully make it even better in the long run.

 

Then good luck with that

 

 

Some of you obviously didn’t read the part of my original post where I explained how she admitted to taking a shower with a guy she says was a complete stranger and having his d**k in her mouth a couple of hours after she met him.

 

Ya, and so did my x-wife. Cheaters will give up on little bit of the nasty truth so as to sound truthful, meanwhile hiding the worse details. Not that you are going to believe that. Nor am I suggesting she is keeping more from you.

 

Just saying, don't be a blind fool and take everything at face value. Cheaters are liars by default. They tell half truths to cover up an entire lie, or to avoid telling the worst part of the details.

 

 

 

I didn’t beat this information out of her…..she VOLUNTARILY told it to me.

 

And my x-wife "voluntarily" told me half the truth too.

 

 

Do I really need to know more?

 

No, not really. I really didn't need details. All I needed to know is a betrayal happened. Its all that mattered. Did cheating happen or didn't it.

 

 

 

What could she possibly tell me that would top that???

 

That she rode him all night long and orgasmed multiple times. And that she actually enjoyed the sex, and that she did seek out a man when down there enjoying her drink hundreds of miles away from you.

 

 

I think I have all of the information I need. I am not about to strap her to a lie detector machine or waterboard her to see if I’ve missed anything. Let me be clear: I am satisfied that I know enough, and I’m the only person who needs to be satisfied that I know enough.

 

Then by all means, keep making excuses for her then.

 

 

 

Regarding, whether she ever had another “fling”, she swears to me that she has not and I believe her. I have never seen anything to make me think otherwise

 

You never saw anything to think she had an affair of any kind in the first place, yet you were wrong.

 

Has she ever gone out with friends without you and came home at rather unacceptable hours? Ever went out of town again in all those years without you? Out of sight, out of mind.

 

 

 

and if anything like that ever has happened I guess that is a secret she will take to her grave. After telling me everything she has told me about the ONS being discussed here, I can’t imagine she wouldn’t have spilled her guts about anything else as long as that cat was out of the bag.

 

It happens. If she did cheat again in all those years, then she probably thought that, to help alleviate a little guilt, she'd throw you a bone and tell you about something that happened SO long ago that perhaps you could get passed it easier.

 

Not saying this is what happened, just pointing out that, again, cheaters tell half truths in an attempt to be seen as being completely honest.

 

 

I am not going to respond individually to each of the sometimes ridiculous posts I have seen here. Here’s the bottom line: My wife cheated on me three months after we were married. She kept this a secret from me for 23 years. I KNOW these things! I don’t know how many times these pieces of information need to be revisited here…I knew these things before I ever started this thread, and it has become apparent to me that you extremist posters who seem to always think the WS is hiding something no matter what and would not be happy even if I told our kids, our grandkids, and our entire family about this and then finished her off by beheading her with a guillotine in the town square.

 

Uh, us "extremist" posters have been there, done that. If you wanted to make nothing but excuses for your wife, then why are you here? We can't be too far off, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking your questions.

 

That is unless you simply want to validate that which you have already decided to do. In which case, any response from anyone should be, "good luck with that, case closed"

 

 

I saw a comment on another thread here talking about the fact that if you decided to stay and try to save your marriage you are basically derided and considered a failure or a weak person, and I totally get that after my experience here.

 

Never will I ever think that of someone betrayed. I will always be in there corner.

 

The problem comes into play when people are in your corner, and you want to dismiss them simply because you already knew what you wanted to do, and hence wasted everyone's time here. (not that we don't love wasting our time;))

 

 

It has been suggested that she actually remembers everything about that night but is not admitting to that.

 

If she is saying she doesn't remember everything, then that IS a lie.

 

Give me a break. I remember what restaurant she and I and our wedding party had dinner at the night we got married, but I don’t have a clue as to what I ate for dinner or had to drink.

 

 

You are talking about a small, insignificant detail, as opposed to a huge detail, like whether or not they had sex. By her saying she doesn't remember everything, with regard to her sexual interactions, is a lie. I wouldn't expect her to remember what brand of liquor she was drinking, but I'd expect her to remember if she had the guy inside her.

 

So your explanation of remembering a detail like what you ate at dinner doesn't work.

 

 

Nobody remembers everything that happened 23 years ago!

 

I most certainly remember what I did during any sexual encounter with someone with regards to if intercourse happened or not.

 

There have been claims here that I have said emphatically that I know she is not being completely truthful. I never said that……I believe I said that she may well remember more than she has told me.

 

Uh, there aint much difference there bud.

 

 

Only she knows that. Again, I know enough.

 

I agree, she sought out another man and got enough. No other details are going to change the fact that she can't be trusted.

 

 

I think I’m done here.

 

I think you are too.

 

Good luck with her. As long as you will make excuses for her, then you shouldn't EVER bring up her cheating ever again. Move on and don't say a word to her about it any longer. If we are so far off, then you have no business bringing it up to her again.

 

Again, good luck with that.

[nofool4u]

A genuine man that knows what love truly is & knows that it's not worth throwing away for something like this.

 

True

 

But a smart man will know that revelations of love from a WS mean nothing if said WS doesn't want to ever completely give up their x-AP:o

[Ninja'sHusband]

Okay……I have not visited this site since my last post on May 1st. In spite of my declaration then that I would not post again I am going to respond one more time. I appreciate that some here, particularly The Blue Knight, Spark1111 and bosunmate actually get why I posted in the first place. I posted here looking for feedback on how to deal with the pain of learning of my wife’s betrayal. I did not start this thread in the hope of gaining help in deciding whether to stay in my marriage or not. That decision has already been made. I love this woman and she loves me and I am not about to throw away 23 years with her without putting a heck of a lot of effort into it. She has apologized and asked for forgiveness several times. She and I both know that the marriage is changed forever as a result of her confession, but we are committed to doing the work we know it will take to hopefully make it even better in the long run.

 

Those of you who think we need more transparency and truthfulness here apparently don’t believe me when I say that she has provided a ton of details to me, all of which I don’t feel the need to share here. Some of you obviously didn’t read the part of my original post where I explained how she admitted to taking a shower with a guy she says was a complete stranger and having his d**k in her mouth a couple of hours after she met him. I didn’t beat this information out of her…..she VOLUNTARILY told it to me. Do I really need to know more? What could she possibly tell me that would top that??? That she had a “three-way” with a horse and a german shepherd? I think I have all of the information I need. I am not about to strap her to a lie detector machine or waterboard her to see if I’ve missed anything. Let me be clear: I am satisfied that I know enough, and I’m the only person who needs to be satisfied that I know enough.

 

Regarding, whether she ever had another “fling”, she swears to me that she has not and I believe her. I have never seen anything to make me think otherwise, and if anything like that ever has happened I guess that is a secret she will take to her grave. After telling me everything she has told me about the ONS being discussed here, I can’t imagine she wouldn’t have spilled her guts about anything else as long as that cat was out of the bag. She didn't really have that much to lose at that point, as she had already told me enough where she knew full well that I might just pack and leave.

 

I am not going to respond individually to each of the sometimes ridiculous posts I have seen here. Here’s the bottom line: My wife cheated on me three months after we were married. She kept this a secret from me for 23 years. I KNOW these things! I don’t know how many times these pieces of information need to be revisited here…I knew these things before I ever started this thread, and it has become apparent to me that you extremist posters who seem to always think the WS is hiding something no matter what and would not be happy even if I told our kids, our grandkids, and our entire family about this and then finished her off by beheading her with a guillotine in the town square. I saw a comment on another thread here talking about the fact that if you decided to stay and try to save your marriage you are basically derided and considered a failure or a weak person, and I totally get that after my experience here.

 

It has been suggested that she actually remembers everything about that night but is not admitting to that. Give me a break. I remember what restaurant she and I and our wedding party had dinner at the night we got married, but I don’t have a clue as to what I ate for dinner or had to drink. Nobody remembers everything that happened 23 years ago!

 

There have been claims here that I have said emphatically that I know she is not being completely truthful. I never said that……I believe I said that she may well remember more than she has told me. Only she knows that. Again, I know enough. She and the OM are the only two people on the planet (assuming he’s still on the planet) who know for sure what went on that night .

 

Ham made a reference to an “absence of love” and suggested that my wife has been pretending for the past 23 years. Really??? This woman and I have been through ups and downs together, having to do with problem kids, sick kids, finances, car accidents, job losses, etc., and you think she just stuck around hoping it would get better? I am not a wealthy man (not even close) so that’s certainly not a motive. I’m 5’ 7” and bald, so it’s not like I’m arm candy. I don’t think any person is capable of ”pretending” to love someone for 23 years.

 

"And let us not forget that they went on to have SEVEN children together...."

 

"Often leaving another question hanging in these situations, that is, are they all biologically the BH's?"

 

The “let us not forget” post was from Spark1111, and the response from Ham. Let me clarify something here: In a previous post I indicated that my wife and I have 7 kids and 10 grandkids BETWEEN us. You’ll recall that she originally went to Florida for a custody hearing against her ex. These children are not all biologically mine…..four are hers from her first marriage and three are mine from my first. Together, they are all OURS. God the cynicism here is thicker than fog at times.

 

I think I’m done here. I appreciate the many “best of luck” wishes, and I wish you all the same.

AMEN!!!

 

I totally agree with you. Every situation is different, and in your case I wouldn't worry about it so much. This place can be very unforgiving to forgiving BSs trying to work it out =\ I'll be honest, my ignore list is ridiculously long, though I often read the posts anyway. Helps me scroll through the threads without having to read a lot of crap. What I call "The Angry BW Club" will drive you insane (and some of the BHs too).

[nofool4u]

AMEN!!!

 

I totally agree with you. Every situation is different, and in your case I wouldn't worry about it so much. This place can be very unforgiving to forgiving BSs trying to work it out =\

 

I wouldn't say its exactly like that, even after my reply to him.

 

I'll always be in a BS's corner. What gets me is someone coming here with a predetermined path possibly looking for validation, and acting like those that give advice that doesn't support that path are morons.

 

If someone already knows what they want to do, then why bother asking the questions or telling the story?

[Ninja'sHusband]

I wouldn't say its exactly like that, even after my reply to him.

 

I'll always be in a BS's corner. What gets me is someone coming here with a predetermined path possibly looking for validation, and acting like those that give advice that doesn't support that path are morons.

 

If someone already knows what they want to do, then why bother asking the questions or telling the story?

His own words from the opening post:

I’m just writing this because I really don’t have anyone I can talk to about it but felt like I needed to share it with someone.

I don't see any questions. So maybe he is just looking for validation. I see nothing wrong with that. That's kinda what my thread turned into as well after my initial questions were answered...and I said so as well.

[Stephanie]

Once again, a thread that goes completely off topic. To clarify, on topic means responding TO the OP and the content of the originating thread, or further information provided by the OP within the thread.

 

It does NOT mean to begin debating amongst yourselves. Threadjackers calling out other threadjackers is amusing. That's why I post the above definition because it seems some are not aware that they're actually going off topic. So those of you who go off topic be enlightened and tread carefully as the warnings will be soon replaced by infractions.

 

Now that the OP is gone, and the thread has turned into posters debating one another, this thread is closed.

 

Thanks