Didnt think I was the OW

[onebright1]

After 2 1/2 years with my BF and living with him in his home for the last 10 months. I am still getting bashed by his Exwife. She sends him text after text somedays up to 20 txt a day saying horrible things about me. Some of the text are just saying horrible things about him and some are to tell him what he needs to pay for each day for their kids.

She has gotten a fake fb account and messaged me that I am a homewrecker, and committed adultry and beleive me this is just a teeny bit of what she says and does. She includes the children ages 17 down to 8 in all this and they also treat me and their dad badly because of what she tells them.

Here is the "I didnt think I was the OW" part.

I didnt even meet him until 7 months after she left him, filed for divorce and moved in with her "friend" . They were legally separated and waiting for divorce to be final. He even dated someone else for a month before me. He did tell me that before me he slept with his ex twice after she left. She told me in one of her fake fb emails that she was wanting to get back together with him and he wouldnt because he was in love with me. She said she only left to "shock" him into being a better husband. She wanted him to come after her.

I guess I just dont like being considered the OW. She has spread stuff all over school with the other parents and has hers/his kids convinced I am the reason he didnt get back with her.

I offered to go away back when she first knew of me, but he said he didnt want me too, he said even if there were no me, there would still be no her. So I just wanna know, Am I the OW?

[jwi71]

After 2 1/2 years with my BF and living with him in his home for the last 10 months. I am still getting bashed by his Exwife. She sends him text after text somedays up to 20 txt a day saying horrible things about me. Some of the text are just saying horrible things about him and some are to tell him what he needs to pay for each day for their kids.

She has gotten a fake fb account and messaged me that I am a homewrecker, and committed adultry and beleive me this is just a teeny bit of what she says and does. She includes the children ages 17 down to 8 in all this and they also treat me and their dad badly because of what she tells them.

Here is the "I didnt think I was the OW" part.

I didnt even meet him until 7 months after she left him, filed for divorce and moved in with her "friend" . They were legally separated and waiting for divorce to be final. He even dated someone else for a month before me. He did tell me that before me he slept with his ex twice after she left. She told me in one of her fake fb emails that she was wanting to get back together with him and he wouldnt because he was in love with me. She said she only left to "shock" him into being a better husband. She wanted him to come after her.

I guess I just dont like being considered the OW. She has spread stuff all over school with the other parents and has hers/his kids convinced I am the reason he didnt get back with her.

I offered to go away back when she first knew of me, but he said he didnt want me too, he said even if there were no me, there would still be no her. So I just wanna know, Am I the OW?

 

Technically, yes as they their D is NOT final.

In reality, provided the facts as stated are accurate, then no, you're not.

 

In any case, given all the mess and drama...it won't matter. I don't think anyone can tolerate any R with all that insanity about them.

 

I'd leave just so I didn't end up on Jerry Springer.

[seren]

One Bright, it does sound as though she might be getting mixed messages, either from him, or she is seeing their sleeping together after they separated as a, he still wants me, feeling. I don't think you are an OW, I do however think in his wife's eyes that you are a barrier to their reconciling. What is your BF doing to let her know that reconciliation is not going to happen and that he is happy with you? I think that is key to your situation and to theirs. Total transparency isn't just restricted to reconciliation, it should be a factor of all relationships, IMO.

 

Are you happy that he is telling you everything and does he tell his wife that he isn't going back? If not, then he is playing you both, if he does, then he needs to reinforce his stance and support you. He also needs to begin D proceedings. As for others thinking you are an OW, none of their business, unless you choose to put them straight. So, what is he doing, saying?

[onebright1]

Thanks for all the honest answers. Yes he is divorced now and has been for almost 2 years. Yes I'm sure she is vicious and spreading rumors. My daughter goes to school there. She is the one that was stringing him along after she left and filed. When he found she was living with her bf he stopped speaking to her. He still hasn't spoke to her in all this Time . He has never replied to her text. Except in the beginning to tell her to leave him alone and stop harassing him. Her kids are all friends on her fb where she bashes him and me. She has threatend me that she will "talk to" my 7yo at school. But my main concern is her convincing herself and her kids that I am the reason their life is in a mess. She says becuz the D wasn't final that makes me the OW.

[MissBee]

I think the quesiton of whether or not you're the OW doesn't matter in light of all this drama ....as regardless, the drama still exists. So I'd focus on how you can have a peaceful life, if it's even possible...and is all the drama worth it?

 

Question: how does your boyfriend feel about this? Does he say anything to her about this? Does he ask her to stop? How does he handle the situation? What does he tell you in terms of how you should handle it?

 

She's his kids' mother so she will always be there, so he cannot block her or cut her off I imagine; yet, he can take steps to make her know that contacting you and harassing you is unacceptable and won't be tolerated.If he doesn't do that...then that is a HUGE problem.

[Emme]

Here is the question. Is he worth it?! Is this man your future husband. Is this man the father of your future children. Have you sat down and thought about this. If he's not... it's not worth your time and effort. Save yourself.

 

I can't imagine how people blame others for not taking control of their own lives. You are blaming this woman for calling you out of your name. Don't blame her. Blame the man you are with. Redirect your anger. If he wanted to he would have put a stop to her behavior a long time ago. He has allowed her to get away with this. She has lied to their children. I would have filed for custody because she's causing psychological damage... that hatred for their father is going to fester. He didn't file for custody because he's too busy with you. Think about that the next time you are concerned about your emotions and your feelings. Those kids will possibly end up hating their dad because he stood back and did nothing.

 

You are a big girl. People will only sh*t on you if you let them.

[alexandria35]

You mentioned that he stopped talking to her when he found out she was living with her bf and he hasn't spoken to her even one time since then. How is he making arrangements to spend time with his kids if he is refusing to even speak to her. Doesn't he have to talk to her to at least talk about arrange his kids visits? He is seeing his kids right?

 

I agree with everyone else here. If she is causing you grief and threatening to talk to your child then he needs to step up and do something about it.

[findingnemo]

I see no reason for her to be harassing you. She can attempt to harass him if she wants. Regardless of what she thinks happened, she shouldn't be involving children. That to me is a clear sign that she is crazy.

 

Do not engage her at all. Don't allow people to tell you what she's saying about you. They are just gossiping and should have better things to do. If you don't let her in, she won't be able to make you feel like a OW. Walk with your head held high, and don't respond to her actions. Eventually everyone including her kids will see what's going on.

[onebright1]

She may believe you two go back further. It's very common for the MM to try to hide an affair, get divorced with his W knowing nothing and then magically produce a relationship pretending it is newer than it is.... Makes him seem less of a bad guy in the divorce so he gets an easier time, makes him seem less of a bad guy if there looks like a gap b/w divorce and relationship, and he gets to pull a girl out of the hat who is apparently at a deeper stage than if he just met her really and say "see, I can have a deep relationship whenever I want, you were the issue!"

 

I am not sure f you'd know if he'd done any of those things?

 

 

No, Im sure he didnt do that. His parents still coddle her and do everything for her and even they have said she left, she filed, she moved in with her bf and actually right now she is pg with twins by the 3rd guy she lived with after leaving him.

[onebright1]

I think the quesiton of whether or not you're the OW doesn't matter in light of all this drama ....as regardless, the drama still exists. So I'd focus on how you can have a peaceful life, if it's even possible...and is all the drama worth it?

 

Question: how does your boyfriend feel about this? Does he say anything to her about this? Does he ask her to stop? How does he handle the situation? What does he tell you in terms of how you should handle it?

 

She's his kids' mother so she will always be there, so he cannot block her or cut her off I imagine; yet, he can take steps to make her know that contacting you and harassing you is unacceptable and won't be tolerated.If he doesn't do that...then that is a HUGE problem.

 

 

He actually thinks she is a nutburger and he doesnt engage her at all. And he tells me to not respond to her either. Which I dont. She doesnt contact me except for the 2 times thru the fake fb, She text him daily with her rants. Somedays on the quieter days, I think yeah, I can do this, but on the crazier days, not so much. And I hate to hold it against him how she behaves because I know you cant control other people. But Sometimes I just wish he would answer one text from her with "leave us alone you crazy wacjob I love her and she is none of the things you call her continuously"

[onebright1]

Here is the question. Is he worth it?! Is this man your future husband. Is this man the father of your future children. Have you sat down and thought about this. If he's not... it's not worth your time and effort. Save yourself.

 

I can't imagine how people blame others for not taking control of their own lives. You are blaming this woman for calling you out of your name. Don't blame her. Blame the man you are with. Redirect your anger. If he wanted to he would have put a stop to her behavior a long time ago. He has allowed her to get away with this. She has lied to their children. I would have filed for custody because she's causing psychological damage... that hatred for their father is going to fester. He didn't file for custody because he's too busy with you. Think about that the next time you are concerned about your emotions and your feelings. Those kids will possibly end up hating their dad because he stood back and did nothing.

 

 

You are a big girl. People will only sh*t on you if you let them.

 

 

Ya know, he and I are great just the two of us. We are good with just my kids too. He even notices that. But his kids just are plain evil and I know it is because of their mother. And I know if she had behaved like an adult thru this, then the kids would be fine. He has filed for custody, but for some reason the courts here dont believe in any damage except physical. Cause he has documented all her fb and text. And the judges wont even look at it. So if they hate him it is because of her and her only. He has tried. and still tries every day.

[onebright1]

You mentioned that he stopped talking to her when he found out she was living with her bf and he hasn't spoken to her even one time since then. How is he making arrangements to spend time with his kids if he is refusing to even speak to her. Doesn't he have to talk to her to at least talk about arrange his kids visits? He is seeing his kids right?

 

I agree with everyone else here. If she is causing you grief and threatening to talk to your child then he needs to step up and do something about it.

 

They have a parenting time agreement and he sticks to it. The court mediated it. He sees his kids daily and we have them EVERY fri sat sun nites. He doesnt have to see her ever, he picks them up from school on fri and returns them to school on Mon.

She got a RA and had it dropped over a year later cuz she thot that was why he wouldnt talk to her. After she dropped it he still wont. She has accused him and I of all kinds of things, WE just stay far far away and dont engage her at all.

[onebright1]

I see no reason for her to be harassing you. She can attempt to harass him if she wants. Regardless of what she thinks happened, she shouldn't be involving children. That to me is a clear sign that she is crazy.

 

Do not engage her at all. Don't allow people to tell you what she's saying about you. They are just gossiping and should have better things to do. If you don't let her in, she won't be able to make you feel like a OW. Walk with your head held high, and don't respond to her actions. Eventually everyone including her kids will see what's going on.

 

 

I agree and this is what we/I do. But I dont think these girls of hers will ever see how she is. They are alot like her and use manipulation, guilt, and help her do it by texting her everything that goes on here and sending pics to her. He says they have to go along with her to keep her pacified and not lash out at them. He says they have learned to do this over time. I say they are just like her. They know what they are doing is wrong and disrespectful to me, they do it cuz it is their nature. And yes he punishes them for their actions. But they just go back to moms or grammas and get out of it.

[onebright1]

Great post Emme!!!

 

 

 

You sound jealous. She is the mother of his kids, the mother of his parents grandkids. Most of the time, the inlaws try to stay neutral. Most times, it is the mother who has custody of the kids and the inlaws know that they have to treat her decently in order to see their grandkids.

 

So you say his parents do everything for HER and coddle HER? What does that even mean?

 

You say he doesn't speak to her, yet she texts him 20 times a day? He doesn't speak to the mother of his kids? How does he know anything about his kids? He needs to maintain a business type of relationship with her FOR his kids. Does he even have a relationship with his kids? And you have a child that lives with you - and him? How do his kids feel about that? Do they have rooms in your home for when they come for visitation? Why do you worry about what is on her facebook? Stop looking at it and concentrate on YOUR home. I understand not wanting your child to be dragged into this - that is why it is on HIM to stop all the games and the baloney.

 

If he chooses to allow his ex to text him, to do this and to do that, that should be saying something to you. He can put boundaries into place, heck, he should have put boundaries into place and it shouldn't require YOU telling him to do it. What is HE doing to calm the waters?

 

First off you sound alot like her, Being the "mother of his kids" doesnt make her Queen of All. Half the population can give birth. It is not a ticket to entitlement! My bf has the kids more than she does, yet she has "physical custody" He picks them up from school everyday and totes them to all their after school activities, The ones that dont have activities stay home with me until thier "mother" calls and says its ok to bring them home. At which point his mom (gramma) comes to get them and take them to her doorstep. She (exwife) will not allow me to pick them up from school or drive them to grammas. (altho she will allow me to babysit, wipe snot, clean puke, do thier laundry, cook thier meals and clean up after them) But I also am not allowed to show up with thier dad (my bf) to any of thier ball games or first communion parties or whatever because that is disrepectful of her, but her bf is allowed to be there. She is actually supposed to pick them up from school and after care but wont because she doesnt want to pay the after care cost on her parenting time. So then she agreed to pick them up from his parents, but tired of that quickly so now gramma brings them to her all fed and ready for bed. This is what I mean by coddle. Gramma pays to have her car repaired, and pays for all thier shoes, dresses, school uniforms. Gramma gives her ex daughter in law money for gas etc. My bf (grammas son) gets on her and ask her not to, so she does it secretly and tells them not to tell him.

I say she (exwife) and they (kids) will never learn any responsibility and will always expect him (bf) to take care of their every need because somehow someone put it in her head that she "is the mother of his kids" and he owes her forever. And this is what she is teaching her daughters. Yes I have a 7 yo that lives with me/us and she has to share a room with the youngers ones and the older ones have thier own room. Belive me that they have let me know more than once that this is thier home and they can do what they want here. Which includes taking a thumb tack to the brand new 4 hours old fridge and tearing up all the buttons to dispense ice and water and then taking a pic on the cell phone "mom pays for" and sending that pic to mom cuz mom was ticked cuz she never got a new fridge!

I honestly dont think my bf can get anywhere with his ex. She is crazy. And it would be like trying to nail jello to a tree! But I would like to know how/if there is a way to get thru to these girls to stop thier nonsense and stop believing what thier mom says and make them understand I am not the OW and we (he and I) just want to make their lives and home nice when they are with us.......

[Emme]

Ya know, he and I are great just the two of us. We are good with just my kids too. He even notices that.

 

So your circle is only "good" when it's calm and complete with your children. That should sadden you. The fact that it's not calm and complete with his children that he spawned.

 

 

But his kids just are plain evil and I know it is because of their mother. And I know if she had behaved like an adult thru this, then the kids would be fine.

 

Now see... You as an adult should not even make the statement that they are evil. You say you know it's their mother... so why call them evil. Those kids are hurting. The man that you love gave life to those EVIL children. The same man you've been "playing house" with for 10 months. The same man that's been playing "step-daddy" to your offsprings. You are not behaving like an adult either, news flash. Not because you are behaving better doesn't make you an adult. You're worried about someone's words as though she threw sticks and stones at your head. Are you serious. You think his kids stay up at night thinking about their father because someone said something not nice. They miss their dad. You have him. You better learn to EMPATHIZE. There are no smooth rides in life. If you aren't cut out for this, too bad. You are in his house, if you can't cope... bounce.

 

Next time one of his "evil" kids are not being "good"... kill them with kindness and love. That's what they need even though they might be nasty and rude (to a limit). If you love this man you love his children. It's a work-in-progress. That's the adult thing to do.

 

He has filed for custody, but for some reason the courts here dont believe in any damage except physical. Cause he has documented all her fb and text. And the judges wont even look at it. So if they hate him it is because of her and her only. He has tried. and still tries every day.

 

Those are excuses not reasons. You can't depend on the courts alone to build a relationship with your child. It's up to you in the end. When someone wants to protect their child they do what they must do to protect them. It's that simple. Even if it's to offer paying for family therapy. If the children hate their father it's because he didn't combat all the negative that she put in their minds. If he wanted custody he lost that window when she left to live with her man.

 

If he wanted to protect you he would have made it clear in court (an attempt). If one attorney isn't working you find another. Father's have rights. If she's bad mouthing you he could set the record straight with the kids and his ex-wife present. On top of that you could spread your gossip of love for your man for all to hear. You handle your business. Don't sit around and wait for someone to do it for you.

 

 

Now as far as the married question... you didn't answer! Now.... 2 1/2 years.... you've moved in with a man. You are a woman with children. That's a little fast in my book to already have a man who you've known for only 2 years be step-dad. Year 2 should be him getting to know your kids and adjusting to the idea of him being around. Maybe I'm old school but here's some advice... You don't need to be in his house unless maybe you need his assistance financially. I don't know your story. Here's the thing don't play with his emotions if you're not in it for the long haul meaning marriage. Know now because you have him playing daddy to your kids. As they say p*ssy comes and goes. Those "evil" kids are going to be the only constant in his life. You might not even be around this holiday season. So figure out what your plan is because he's going to need those "evil" kids to pass him a glass of water when he's old and gray.

[findingnemo]

I don't think the kids are evil. But they do listen to their mum and are likely to take her side against you "the woman who took Daddy away". This is one of the problems of step parenting and you just have to live with it.

 

My advice to you is to control what you can and let the rest go. If grandma is paying for all sorts of things, let her. That's her problem and believe me she will tire soon. If the girls are being nasty to you, all you can do as the adult is to be kind and loving to them. They will eventually realize what's going on. Don't think that their mother's craziness shows up only when she has to deal with you. She is probably going through a lot of stuff that manifests itself in other areas of her life. Why worry too much? Time will sort things out. She's pregnant, right? She'll give birth and won't have time for all the shenanigans.

 

Concentrating on who to blame, what she does and all that is a waste of your time because you have no control. Let her own actions come back to haunt her. Be a supportive W and a good mother to your kids and his. You're not the first person with a crazy exW and you won't be the last. What you need to do is outlast her need for drama, keep your R going, make all the kids as happy as can be and live your life.

[Got it]

I agree and this is what we/I do. But I dont think these girls of hers will ever see how she is. They are alot like her and use manipulation, guilt, and help her do it by texting her everything that goes on here and sending pics to her. He says they have to go along with her to keep her pacified and not lash out at them. He says they have learned to do this over time. I say they are just like her. They know what they are doing is wrong and disrespectful to me, they do it cuz it is their nature. And yes he punishes them for their actions. But they just go back to moms or grammas and get out of it.

 

Onebright, my deepest sympathies for what you are dealing with. I think at this level legal action is in your/his best interest. I think many men feel if they just lay low it will blow over but that is not always the case.

 

It sounds like, an attorney would be able to advise better, that you are dealing with harassment and potentially parental alienation. Her behavior is inappropriate, unwarranted, and unacceptable. I would tell her if she contacts you again you will seek out a restraining order.

 

It is hard with the kids and they are in the middle of this mess, poor babies. Can he do family counseling with them? I would seek the court's permission for this as these mind games are just examples for them.

 

I am sorry she is struggling and doesn't agree with his choice in dating. But they are divorced and she no longer has a say. Even if you were the OW her behavior is over the top and now they are divorced unacceptable.

 

You can't control that she will change her behavior but you do have legal rights to protect yourself. I would suggest you and your boyfriend start pursuing those avenues.

[woinlove]

onebright, it strikes me that things are not adding up here. You defend him, but say his xW is crazy, their children are evil and just like their mother, and yet the courts awarded her physical custody and, from one of your posts, it seems she had a RA against him. That is a lot of people to all be on one crazy side, mother, children, courts (more than once it would seem) against him. Is it possible he is doing something that turns his family and the courts against him?

 

On the point of the children - all children deserve love and protection, and that includes the difficult ones. If you see major flaws in them, blame has to fall on both parents who failed in some ways to protect and nurture them. I think there has to be some failings in this man if things are the way you describe and maybe the resolution to all the drama and angst in your life is to recognize those failings and figure out whether (and if so, how) you want to deal with them. This man is your connection to the xW and children, so I would start there.

[Emme]

OneBright I want you to read your post... Just get a cup a coffee and just read your post. I didn't see your responses last night but this one... SMH.

 

First off you sound alot like her, Being the "mother of his kids" doesnt make her Queen of All. Half the population can give birth. It is not a ticket to entitlement!

 

My bf has the kids more than she does, yet she has "physical custody" He picks them up from school everyday and totes them to all their after school activities, The ones that dont have activities stay home with me until thier "mother" calls and says its ok to bring them home.

No he doesn't. If you calculate the hours his ex still has them more even if they are asleep.

 

 

At which point his mom (gramma) comes to get them and take them to her doorstep. She (exwife) will not allow me to pick them up from school or drive them to grammas. (altho she will allow me to babysit, wipe snot, clean puke, do thier laundry, cook thier meals and clean up after them)

No no no ... Your man asks you to be a nanny/housekeeper and you comply. I hope that's not a complaint. This is the relationship you signed up for.

 

 

But I also am not allowed to show up with thier dad (my bf) to any of thier ball games or first communion parties or whatever because that is disrepectful of her, but her bf is allowed to be there.

Allowed... Is your man her son or her ex-husband. Your issue is not her. It is your partner.

 

 

 

She is actually supposed to pick them up from school and after care but wont because she doesnt want to pay the after care cost on her parenting time. So then she agreed to pick them up from his parents, but tired of that quickly so now gramma brings them to her all fed and ready for bed. This is what I mean by coddle. Gramma pays to have her car repaired, and pays for all thier shoes, dresses, school uniforms. Gramma gives her ex daughter in law money for gas etc. My bf (grammas son) gets on her and ask her not to, so she does it secretly and tells them not to tell him.

What wonderful grandparents. That ex-wife and their children are so lucky to have them. Giving is a beautiful thing. Spending money so that her son doesn't have to pull money out of his own pocket. Spending money on her grandchildren that she loves, how nice. Lets hope if they are strapped for cash they learn the word NO real soon.

 

 

I say she (exwife) and they (kids) will never learn any responsibility and will always expect him (bf) to take care of their every need because somehow someone put it in her head that she "is the mother of his kids" and he owes her forever. And this is what she is teaching her daughters.

Yes I have a 7 yo that lives with me/us and she has to share a room with the youngers ones and the older ones have thier own room. Belive me that they have let me know more than once that this is thier home and they can do what they want here.

 

I say you need to start thinking about yourself and stop worrying about other people that have their sh*t together. His ex-wife is more protected than you are. You and your child are 30 days away from being homeless. That is your reality. Yet here you are worried about a woman who's secure, for now.

I say you need to learn responsibility and move out of this mans house. You need to learn to take things slowly and not jump head first into a relationship because your man wants you on tap. Neither of you took stages to transition his children that's why you are dealing with this mess. I can't even imagine what your child is going through. Don't assume she doesn't understand what's going on around her, she does... plus god forbid them taunting her.

 

 

Which includes taking a thumb tack to the brand new 4 hours old fridge and tearing up all the buttons to dispense ice and water and then taking a pic on the cell phone "mom pays for" and sending that pic to mom cuz mom was ticked cuz she never got a new fridge!

I honestly dont think my bf can get anywhere with his ex. She is crazy. And it would be like trying to nail jello to a tree! But I would like to know how/if there is a way to get thru to these girls to stop thier nonsense and stop believing what thier mom says and make them understand I am not the OW and we (he and I) just want to make their lives and home nice when they are with us.......

Your mad they destroyed their inheritance.... Get it!

 

Nonsense stopping... I say move out! I mean I can give you a whole scenario if you like on how his daughters view you. You can continue to date him but if you want this issue to calmly go away.... MOVE OUT!