sweet but tragic friends to lovers story...what's happening?

[Baubles]

Well, some of you may remember me as the foolish lady who kept going back to the controlling doctor again and again, our last and final break was last month. I pushed it- I pressured him of rwhere the relationship was going (it had been 2 years) and he said all was fine, that pressuring messed things up and caused him to take longer to commit- next week he broke it off.

 

So, went through some sadness (but relief)- and started writing/calling more a make friend of mine of 13 years from college (I am 31). He's quite dear in the sense that most of our relationship has been through letters- handwritten, e-mails, calls over the past decade. I feel closer to him than any other man in my life, ever. We share w/ each other deepest feelings, insecurities, etc.

 

I had a convention in his state w/in a month (last weekend)- he suggest I stay for days w/ him. Prior to that he is writing 10x a day, calling, endless comments about how much he's looking forward to it- planning out all we will do. He signs one of his e-mails, XOXO 2 days prior to coming. Now, we haven't seen each other in 4 years - last time we did I was seeing someone else. there definately seemed to be a spark- we were so close and I had sent him recent pics - to which he responded I was hot (prior to this, we never seemed to have had chemistry- he was not physically that attracted to me), He claims I'm more attractive than I was in college.

 

Anyway, 1st night go for a great romantic dinner. he cannot stop taking photos of us together- saying how the office will be jealous of his hot date (this was odd for me cause my ex never was this excited to see me or show me off). We go to his house - he's decorated for me, he bought cut flowers for my room and a plant and new sheets in my favorite color and all kinds of treats and chocolates and wine- very sweet. So we are talking for hours and he starts holding and rubbing my hand- saying how it's nice to have the affection.

 

So...that night we progress from more than friends into lovers. And I can honestly say it was the best ever. In an instant we went from platonic friends of 13 years who mainly e-mailed each other into people who couldn't keep their hands off each other.

 

Next day he goes to work, I to my convention- he takes off work to meet me for light lunch and tour of city, to dinner, and to a show. the whole time he is hugging me, caressing my shoulders, kissing me, saying how lucky he is to be w/ me- how wonderful I am and how I make him feel good. ( He's an attorney who is under a lot of work stress and financial (large student loan) who spent the past year taking pricey vacations that have caught up to him).

 

A Month before I visited I asked him to a wedding, as my ex was out of picture- and he asked me to one that would be in a few weeks- so we planned to see each other 2x more in about a month. I asked him where he saw things- that I thought we got along great, it just felt right and I wold like to see where things went- that maybe after the weddings if all went well- we could fly out to see each other once a month. he said after his one girlfriend long distance (saw each other 3x a year and who cheated on him) he didn't like long distance relationships. I said once a month would be different and we were so good for each other. He said, "let's go for it."

 

Wonderful evening again and next day- romantic lunch and we spent the entire day at the ZOO. At one point I made a comment like, it's nice to have you as my man- and he replied- it's nice to have a girlfriend too. the whole time sweet and loving about how wonderful I am. Nice evening, movie where he said he loved it when I laidd my head on his shoulder, romantic dinner, watched travel videos together at home.

 

Next morning I was leaving - he seemed a lil off in the a.m., but I thought it was just stress for going to the airport etc.

 

Now, what's the catch?

 

It turns out he hasn't dated/had sex in 2.5 years prior since the break-u w/ his ex. Now he lived w/ his ex for at least a year later- purely platonic (I know this from him

from our friends oly stage)- he said he just turned his feelings off (she broke it off w/ him). She now drops by 4x a week for months at a time and stays there in the evenings as she's in town doing consulting work. I don't doubt it's platonic, but day I left she came that evening and made him dinner and rented a movie for them....ok, that does not sound healthy to me. She's an ex, he hasn't in over 2 years since their beak-up....

 

So, Sunday ngith he's worried and calls (my plane got in late)- he said he was worried I didn't like him anymore sinc eI hadn't called (he was actually worried, that I had changed my mind). So Mon. there is a skip in my step and I am in love.

I pay his plane fare to my wedding after he confirms times are good. He writes some more he misses me. I mention that his wedding in 2 weeks if he doesn't want to pay my fare or is going to be too stressed w/ work, that's okay I can back-out I understand, I also apologize if I pressure him a lil on where things were at (but I was confident in my head we were a love match). He backs out but then writes this (edited in length). At the time, I was so suprised and shocked I called (more to follow) but in hindsight it was the most beautiful letter I've ever received even if he was telling me there was no relationship <edited beginning, too much inforation! >

 

This is what I receive :

 

You are insightful. I did feel a bit pressured. I love you as a friend and I plan to always be there for you forever. I wish that I could give you the depth of love that you deserve. Maybe some day I can. I don't understand why. You are perfect. You are attractive, intelligent, fun to talk to, supportive, caring, and loyal. I couldn't ask for anything more in a girlfriend and your traits are far better than any girl that I ever did date. There is something wrong with me right now I think. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe it is the stress, maybe I'm having my midlife crisis. I don't know, maybe it is because we have been friends for so long I cannot feel or think of you in another way so easily. Please don't worry though, I'll always love and support you as a friend. I was trying to tell you that if you want more from me then maybe it will happen, but I cannot make any promises. I don'tknow if my love for you as a friend can develop into a love that could result in a relationship where we

> could one day get married. I'm sorry that I and my life are so screwed up right now and I cannot give you more. My finances, where my life is going, and

> what I want out of life are all messed up. I didn't go into those things in detail this weekend, b/c I wanted you to have a good time. I had a great time and am really happy you came out. You made me very happy and took my mind off the stresses of life for a while. I think that we were very good for each other:)

>

> I wish that I could do something to make your ex andall your troubles w/ men go away! You are toocaring to have suffered with those jerks.

 

Well, I went ballistic- it is not what I wanted to hear. He acted like a boyfriend for 4 days. I wrote back something like I cannot believe this, how could you do this to me etc. He wrote back upset, saying that he thought I wanted a fling to get over my ex, that he was mad at himself and felt awful, that he was reponsible for hurting our friendship and could I please forgive him, if not now someday - that he didn't mean to hurt me, only to make me happy.

 

So I called (I really should wait 24 hours before I react to things)- we talked an hour - I essentiall said he was messed up- it made no sense- he had issues w/ his ex- she's acting like a platonic wife and preventing him from seeking real relationships cause she's at his house making him dinner and entertaining him- that he misled me by not telling me the true nature of the relationship he said other ocllege friends have told him the same thing, so there might be truth in it- he hadn't reallyy thought of it til i mentioned it. then i went off- on his crazy romantic ideals that have evolved over the years and how they don't make sense and he's just sabatoging this. anyway, i said i was fine w/ trying it out and sorry I raised my voice- that I was just confused b/c he seemed so smitten but I was cool w/ just seeing how it went. he then reinvited me to his wedding. He wanted to take a few days for his to calm down before talking again to get our emotions together- I said no,that was hurtful to me- he said he'd call the following night.

 

Now, here is what I don't know what happened. After that e-mail and before I called I had written one or 2 not so nice e-mails - I cannot believe you took advantage of me, our friendship is over, etc. Not sure if he had read them or not when I called. After I called I probably wrote 5 w/in the next day - talking about my feelings (sigh...) which were confused, ranged from being loving, to feeling hurt, etc but ending w/ wanting to try it out and I'd be fine w/ that.

 

So, that evening he doesn;t call- he writes. says that he is reimbursing me for the ticket and will mail 7/1 along with a birthday present for me (my b-day is mid July) . that he cannot call b/c he thinks we will fight. he said i said some things that needed to be said and he thanked me for my honesty. he said we shouldn't wonder why it didn't work or ponder whether it would work in the future. he doesn't want us to cause each other further emotional pain, especially with the distance. that he has ruined our friendship and he's sorry. he hopes that maybe in the future when wounds have healed we can work to renew our friendship again.

 

What happenned?!?! Worse I went nuts (sigh...) and called every day and wrote lots of e-mail up through yesterday. He won't respond or take my calls. I even wrote that I was fine- accepting no relationship but missed his friendship- it was okay, that I still wanted him to go to the wedding and that not talking to me was far more painful than feeling rejected. still no call.

 

It has finally struck me that calling him is just making it worse...will onyl take him longer to contact me.

 

Which leads me to- can I or should I forgive this? I'm angry and think how can he hurt me like this- not taking my calls like I'm some discarded ex not a friend of 13 years- and I just suffered a break-up a month ago- the rejection is quite painful.

 

Then I think, how could I not forgive- I don't think he meant to hurt me.

 

But I cannot understand the silence. I hate not being able to do or say anything.

I thought from his letter it was b/c he was mad at me- but I don't really understand why- he should understand , he would know how I felt about him and how I'd react to a fling. The letter before he's saying he'd love me as a friend forever, then he's taking a break from me. A break from a friend? On the phone he said he had thought something could happen when I visited, but then realized there just wasn't a "flutter" even though I was perfect for him and he felt chemistry.

 

I just don't know what to do. I guess there's nothing I can do. I just am trying to understand what happenned here. I assume I did pressure him and that freaked him- but not understanding what happenned in 24 hrs b/t the letters. Was I so awful he cannot write me or is it guilt on his part?

 

The wedding is in a month, so I assume he isn't expecting to talk before then as he is paying me back for the ticket. Plus, he says he's sending a b-day present- how weird is that? I almost feel insulted. He won't call me, but will send a present?

[uriel]

Um -- no. You shouldn't forgive him. It's not a good sign about where you're at in your recovery from the other man that you need to ask.

 

This man knows everything about you and you about him. He knew very well what sleeping with him would mean to you. He knew all the right buttons to push to get you into bed. He pushed them. Once he had you, he got scared. Because you are such a good friend, sleeping with you means marriage or nothing. He wanted to continue to be friends like nothing more happened. You couldn't accept that. So, he withdrew.

 

Should you have accepted that? No! He took things to the next level. That has consequences. He can't just avoid them. You are NOT being unreasonable. You should have told him exactly how hurt and angry you were / are. I'm glad you did that.

 

He's backed off because he doesn't want to deal with your feelings. He had a part in creating them. He must own responsibility for that. Sorry is easy to say, but hard to mean and put into action. Don't believe he is sorry until you've got more proof of it.

 

The birthday present coming is such a "poor me" ploy. Poor him -- he's such a good, misunderstood friend. Poor him. He's so screwed up and unsure. He seemed very sure when he was wining and dining you into bed, didn't he? All those messages to prepare the way before you arrived, all the things he did when you were there. He didn't just fall into the sack with you on the spur of the moment. He planned it.

 

Here's a woman who has been jerked around by a man she loved and has finally gotten the backbone to leave -- and then what? The male friend in whom she's confided it all uses her for sex while she's still vulnerable. Tells her he never felt anything more for her than friendship. Let me tell you something about this guy who's been your friend for so long: He smelled blood in the water. He's even admitted he slept with you because he thought you could use a good fling after your heartbreak. That means he was thinking about what emotional state the break-up had you in. I'm so sure it was your emotional health he was thinking of when he got you into bed (nice spin, Mr. Attorney).

 

Fact is, this guy was horny. He wanted to have sex. He'd already prepared the way with you. Usually, you have to work hard to get a decent woman into the sack -- that's time he doesn't have or want to spend right now in his regular life. Along came opportunity's knock, and he answered. Do you WANT to forgive him when I put it that way?

 

Don't wish and wash over your feelings. That's what you did with the doctor -- and where did it get you? Tell men what you deserve. Judge them by their actions, not words. Don't accept less from them than you originally wanted and had every right to expect. You are a relationship woman: not some one-night stand. You even had the right to expect he'd ask his platonic ex to get a hotel room from now on, after an LDR was in the works. Yes -- believe it! Made them dinner and rented them a movie! Geez woman -- you gave him a clear signal that you were a rug to be walked right over. But, his doing it is a clear signal he's a jerk.

 

Cut this guy OFF. Send back his present unopened. If he later wants to take back what he said, apologize until his tongue falls off, and make it up to you with a committed relationship, maybe then you'll let him here a "hello." Otherwise, I'd give him a steady diet of silence and see you later.

 

-- uriel

[Baubles]

Thanks Uriel. I've ceased contact since Sat. evening. My last contact from him was wed- unfortunately from wed to sat was a series of e-mails ranging from hurt to now that I read them pathetically too nice given the situation.

 

You hit on something I coule not figure out- the planning. He made a big deal of decorating for me, lil treats, brand new very nice sheets for my guest bed. He later said that he had thought there was a chance of something developing...but once I was there, there just wasn't a "flutter" as much as he tried. He also said I did make the first move.

 

Well, yeh, the first night after being wined and dined and referred to as his hot date (not friend) and snuggling on the couch for an hour and holding hands and him hugging me for 5 mins and our face 1" apaer, yes I did lean in for the first kiss. I asked later why he didn't make the first move- he said b/c he wanted to be a gentleman. Ugh!!

 

Thanks for your response- I've been beating myself up over the way I reacted- blaming him for not letting me know how unavailable he was- sending wrong signals, etc. Thinking his letter was sweet, when it was just guilt.

 

Yeh, everyday for weeks b4 my trip I whined about the ex- not that I really wanted to be w/ him- just that it hadn't gotten nasty- him talking about me, etc- it was painful since we had spent 2 years together. YOu're right, he had to have known I didn't want a fling w/ him...never wrote that I wanted sex or to kiss him, etc...and many years ago this same situation came up about twice, each time he said he just didn't feel chemistry for me or we were too far away.

 

Yeh, the b-day gift...I guess that's his guilt offering. I'm pretty pissed now b/c:

 

1) he's left me dateless at a wedding he committed to before I visited (am I selfish for thinking this way?)- Ive talked him up to all my college friends who were expecting to see him...sigh. It's too late to get another date. It was important to me- I think he should have sucked it up and gone-when I said I was ok w/ no relationship.

 

2) he cut off contact. when I'm the one hurting. even my exes only took a cooling period of a couple days or a week and we had a predetermined day we'd speak again. I'm pretty offended he didn't take my calls. True, I should have backed off when he said we were causing each other too much pain and he ruined our friendship and in the future maybe time would heal wounds and we could renew.

 

3) worse, I feel like a fool thinking how important this guy has been in 13 years and he just cut off contact w/ me . what kind of true friend would do that?

[uriel]

What kind of true friend would suggest that all the guilt was yours? He's suggesting that you're responsible for the sex because you went in for the kiss.

 

Please. He set the stage for sex. He continued through with it even once you were there and he didn't feel a flutter. He gave in to his libido just because he could. Despite what it would do to you and your friendship with him. Further, his having sex with your body and then telling you that he's not turned on by your heart and mind is emotionally damaging to you. It's an awful thing to do and say.

 

Yes, you wanted to be with him. But he knew you'd had those feelings before and probably still would. You didn't know -- from his changed behavior -- that his feelings hadn't changed. Obviously, he was sending clear signals that they had. Once he got through with you, he let you know they hadn't. I've got a few choice names for a man who does that.

 

Don't let him tell you your reaction is what ended the friendship. His leading you into sex he didn't mean did that. You were misled! Keep reminding yourself of that, no matter what excuses he makes.

 

You have every reason to be angry with him now. I don't think he's much of a friend. It's not just the lack of contact, which is typical guy avoidance of woman on the rampage behavior, or the guilt gift, or the wedding ditch. It's that he used you for sex -- a supposed close friend -- as if you were no more than a floozy he picked up somewhere.

 

I'd say THAT's what makes the friendship over and him not real friendship material. These other details are beside the point.

 

-- uriel

[Baubles]

Hi Uriel-

 

Been thinking about what you wrote and decided/realized the following:

 

1) I could have handled the sex slip-up the first night- emotions were high. The rest of the weekend we continued to sleep together and WORSE is how he acted like this was serious, saying it was nice to have a girlfriend, cuddling at every chance regardless where we were, holding hands the entire time, making plans to see each other again...that's what is so devestating. I didn't ask the first night- hey, is this a fling and I admit if he said it was- I may have gone ahead with it. I would have liked to have had the option- not to feel misled.

 

2) The no contact is really pissing me off. My ex's contacted me w/in a few days or a week of a break-up. This is a guy who supposedly is my friend, who I have shared practically everything w/ over the past 13 years- who severely hurt me,knowing I was still hurting from a breakk-up a month ago.

 

3) I'm ticked he's not going to the wedding- he and I discussed/planned this for weeks - all along he was going as a friend/escort. I wrote last night that I was disappointed he wasn't making any attempt to really apologize me- other than a few e-mails. That it would mean a great deal to me for him to go to this wedding next month (it's a month away)- and that it would be a step towards mending our friendship- by then emotions would have died down. That this no contact bothered me and I didn't think time would help things, only hurt it. I was worried if he didn't make some attempt to mend things, the situation was not repairable.

 

4) So...24 hours later and no response. He hasn't responded in 9 days?!?! I am stupified, this is a guy who wrote me 3-4 times a week for YEARS! We didn't DATE - I'm getting a worse blow off by guy a didn't date than a break-up. I'm insulted. Guy friends have said to not let the no contact bother me so much, and you hinted the same. but I cannot help it- it shows such lack of concern and respect for my feelings.

 

5) So I wrote him tongiht, that I finally get it. that he doesn't feel I'm worthy of a response, that apparently we never were really friends or he wouldn't have treated me the way he did and is now, etc. I signed off to please reminburse me for the airfare and never speak to me again.

 

Sad to say, I mean it now- it's quite saddening. I thought we had been friends for so long. The wedding is a month off- I am stupified to know what valid reason he has for backing out of it and expecting us to stay friends. I was the one who was crushed - how does he need min. 6 weeks of no contact?

 

So, now to look for new men. Just crushed though- I thought we were close.

 

Thanks for letting me see that my reaction wasn't the root of all this- maybe if I hadnn't reacted we would have gone to the weddings and had a great time, but he probably would have chickened b4 that and cut ties....sigh.

[Baubles]

I've kept busy w/ other things- but I cannot help but come back to this. What happenned.

 

Ureil, do you think he went back to the ex? I think I would be less bitter if that were the case. I don't get the wedding cancellation. worse, I find out tonight all the single men have dates and I'm one of 2 women w/ out a date now. 200 guests.

 

and this was a man I thought was my friend, heck my ex was still willing to go prior to me telling him i was bringing a friend. then i cut off those ties!

 

ugh!

[uriel]

No way to tell whether he went back to the ex. You're sure, you say, they were platonic. That doesn't ring true of most men I know -- especially the kind who have flings. But, who's to say? When someone does something that's so out of character -- as you say he has -- you have to consider that you really didn't know what was going on inside his head while you were friends. You thought he was telling all. You now know that at least on one very important score, he wasn't. If they were indeed still sleeping together as friends with benefits, then after you slept with him, he had you get them a movie and cook them dinner. That'd be a fine frost on your cake.

 

Whatever the scenario: Point is after years of friendship and now sex, he doesn't think you're girlfriend material. He said he knew that even when he gave in to sex (no flutter). That's a pretty deep insult in my book. You can package it any way you want to feel better about it -- but I don't think this changes from his perspective.

 

Sorry to hear you're without a date. That can be embarrassing, but as the old saw goes -- just have as much fun as you can. Better to have an honest good time than a false one.

 

-- uriel

[Baubles]

Uriel, maybe you cn give some insight... so, I haven't written this guy in a week...since he had ignored my calls/e-mails. Today i call and leave a message just saying i received my c.c. statement and he owed me $200 for the airline cancellation (as he won't be going to the wedding) and to let me know if he no longer had my address. Did expect to hear from him, but since he sid he'd send it 7/1...kinda was just hoping to get the $200- so the humilation was a bit more bearable.

 

so he writes later in the day, see below:

 

 

XXXXX

I got your voicemail. Leaving town shortly and couldn't find your

address. Could you please e-mail to me and I'll mail you the check on the

7th of July when I get back into town? I believe your voicemail said

$200 was your cost. Please let me know if it was otherwise.

 

Hope you have a great 4th of July weekend! :-)!

 

XXXX

 

 

now, a couple of things:

 

1) I don't really care about the money- apparently he's having hard times as an 80 thous a year lawyer! whatever. Then I think- good thing I'm not w/ a man who is so bad w/ money management. I was surprised he listened to my voice mail- assumed he was deleting them automatically.

 

2) he pretended like nothing happenned? no comment to anything I've written the week after the letter about how he ruined our friendship, etc. Still cannot figure out why he won't go to the wedding- I mean he agreed when we were "just friends". moot point now.

 

3) he gave me a freaken EMOTICON w/ a smiley-face?!?!?! What?!?!? He hasn't called/written in 2 weeks! Ignored my emotional e-mails, everything. I'm torn b/t being pissed at the audacity and then thinking maybe this is his way of testing the waters and trying to regain the friendship. I don't get it. If he can leave me smiley-faces- how can he leave me dateless for a wedding and not call/write. no further apologies, nothing.

 

Any advice...I am torn. I'm still mad...but it was many years of a friendship...

 

I'm withholding responding til monday- thinking either jus my address or just my address and saying something like my 4th was nice.

[Guest]

you don't deserved to be treated like that forget him and move on quit looking and let them come to you i guarantee someone will find you.

[uriel]

Baubles,

 

Typical man behavior -- no mystery here, I'm afraid. He's playing it light, cheerful, and ultimately evase to 1) avoid responsibiilty, 2) not have to deal with your feelings / conflict, and 3) continue on as if nothing happened. Yes, that means friendship with you -- if you'll let this go -- and potentially a future bedding or two if you'll let that happen.

 

He's pretending as if making it up to you means giving in to your demand for the $200 -- as if that will fix things. He gives you what you've asked for, he's off the hook. You make any further future demands, he responds with, "Gee, I gave you the money. What more do you want? I'm a good guy. I've already done the right thing." When, even as you say, the money is very nearly beside the point.

 

Bottom line is he's not doing right by you. Just get the money and go. You'll only prolong your hurt by continuing to analyze this and seek a connection. He's already demonstrated he has no real sense of what friendship / loyalty and commitment are. Is there any real way to avoid rejection, humiliation, and pain here? No. There is a way to avoid even more of that coming your way, though.

 

-- uriel

[Baubles]

thanks Uriel and guest,

 

I responded back w/ simply my address and a thanks.

 

as friends, we never really had any huge test of our friendship- I'm not particularly impressed w/ what he did and how he reacted here. The fact I've been agonizing for 2 weeks and he's already written off his guilt, etc - that's just too soon for me. then not to even comment on anything I had previously written...

 

yeh, the money is besides the point...I think I'm going to get the check, at least be grateful for it, and cut my losses. Maybe in 6 months or a year if he makes some huge effort / apology I might see things differently...but for now, cutting my losses so to say.

 

Thanks for the advice!