Standard Mother-Hates-Boyfriend

[boosh89]

Hey all,

 

I made a post last year that wasn't replied to (I'm thinking it was too long), but here's a more updated and more concise summary of my situation.

 

I am Chinese, and my boyfriend is Vietnamese and almost two years younger than me. I am currently in medical school while he is finishing up undergrad with the intention of attending physical therapy school. We have been together almost two years now and still very happy.

 

When I was younger (high-school aged), my mother always told me I can see her as a friend and that she'll be happy to see me dating because then she'll know that I'll be safe and cared for anytime I'm out of the house. Naturally, when I began dating my boyfriend, my first, I told her. She had already met him as a friend, and she seemed like to him enough, so I assumed she'd be happy to know we were dating. Immediately, her opinion of him changed, and now she refuses to speak of him or to see him. She has so many reasons for not liking him that I'm not even sure which one is the true problem:

1. He's Vietnamese so that automatically means he's lazy and he beats women.

2. He's younger.

3. His parents are divorced and have blue-collar jobs.

4. He's not going to medical school and so therefore will not be able to provide for me, and our family will live in squalor conditions.

5. He was my first sexual partner so that means all we do when we see each other is have sex.

 

Everything she says is contradictory so I have no idea what her biggest issue is (and therefore cannot address it well). For example, she says that a good man should be able to provide for his wife so that she doesn't have to work...and yet she told me that I have no future if I do not go to medical school. However, she seems to bring up the issues that he's Vietnamese, that we've had sex, and that he's not going to be a physician more often.

 

I have rationalized with my mother time and time again that I listen to what she has to say about my boyfriend but that as a rational adult who she has raised to be intelligent, I can disagree with the opinion she's formed of him despite the fact that she's never said more than "hi" to him. I have compromised by agreeing to a curfew and telling her the few times I am actually with my boyfriend. However, everything I do is suspect. If I am going on a trip with friends, I must be having sex with my boyfriend. If I am having dinner with a college friend, I must be meeting my boyfriend. If there is a flyer in the mail advertising the hospital's new birthing center, I must be pregnant because I always have sex. My boyfriend and I have limited ourselves to having lunch together during school whenever we can and webcamming at night while we study with the occasional (and I mean once every two months) weekend dinners.

 

I am unfortunately still dependent on my parents. I am staying with them while I am in school, and they are lending me money to pay for school interest-free. I work to cover everything else, including books, medical supplies, and fun. They refuse to let me move out, and they still try to limit what I can do and where I can go, mostly because my mother is afraid that I am just seeing my boyfriend. My mother has told me that if my boyfriend and I break up, she would feel more at ease with letting me go places.

 

My father and my maternal grandmother who lives with us have both told me that they would prefer if I could find someone else to date/marry but understand and respect that it is ultimately my decision. They try to reason with my mother, but she gets cross at them, so they eventually stopped.

 

My mother has already stated time and time again that she will disown me if I end up marrying my boyfriend. My father and maternal grandmother keep telling me that that will never happen, but I fully expect it to happen. I keep telling everyone that my boyfriend and I aren't talking about marriage yet, but in truth, we're extremely positive we want to get married later down the road. What I am not sure about now is whether I should completely cut myself from my family now or whether I should weather out the next three years living under my mother's roof. I hesitate to move out because I love the rest of my family with all my heart and because I am wary of accruing so much debt. But at the same time, by staying, I am only delaying the inevitable explosive fight and making everyone miserable with the constant big elephant in the room.

[darkmoon]

tell your mother what you see in him, give her one last chance, i think a mother threatening to disown thier own is very dramatic, the elephant in the room is a big as you see and/or make it and if it's so dominant like you say, well, you can't be held responsible for your mother's perceptions, but if this carries on, either spend more time studying in your room, more peaceful, or be broke by moving out but in a recession you could be in trouble with that, i think your point four about money could have alot of mothers worried about where even thier now grown-up children (you) will be in twenty years' time tbh and worrying is a mother's job

Edited April 28, 2012 by darkmoon

[january2011]

This is a very common dilemma unfortunately.

 

I'm sorry to tell you, but your boyfriend will never be good enough. No one will ever be good enough. She will find something to complain about. Because it's her job to complain. He could be a neurosurgeon but the fact that he's not Chinese and/or his parents are divorced and have blue-collar jobs, means that he's not the ideal son-in-law.

 

Where does that leave you?

 

I think you've pretty much identified your two choices: move out and get into serious debt or continue living with her, put up with the complaints and not get into serious debt.

 

As an aside, how does your mother know that you're having sex with your boyfriend? Are you giving her these details? I strongly suggest that you stop doing that. It's ammunition for her complaints.

 

I suspect that a lot of her behaviour is down to fear due to the loss of control and saving face. I don't think there is a lot you can do to allay her fears or reassure her that you're not running around town besmirching the family honour.

 

What you need to decide is what's best for you in the long-term. And who you will regret losing the least: your mother or your boyfriend. Because as you hinted in your OP, it may well come down to that.

[boosh89]

tell your mother what you see in him, give her one last chance, i think a mother threatening to disown thier own is very dramatic, the elephant in the room is a big as you see and/or make it and if it's so dominant like you say, well, you can't be held responsible for your mother's perceptions, but if this carries on, either spend more time studying in your room, more peaceful, or be broke by moving out but in a recession you could be in trouble with that, i think your point four about money could have alot of mothers worried about where even thier now grown-up children (you) will be in twenty years' time tbh and worrying is a mother's job

 

I understand a mother's concern about their children being broke, especially since I've seen how concerned my mother is for her younger sisters who are struggling to make ends meet with husbands who have no education or careers. However, considering my boyfriend and I would have a good $300 - $400K salary between us in the future, I feel that it is an unfounded concern. What my mother seems to be unable to grasp is that there are fulfilling careers that do not require going to medical school (and no, she's not a doctor herself). She tells me all the time, starting from my high school years, that if I do not become a doctor, I will never amount to anything. It is partially why I chose my future career, but thankfully, I enjoy medicine a lot.

 

january2011 - no I'm not disclosing our sexual activity to my mom. I'm not sure how she found out in the first place since I never told her. The only thing I ever disclose to my mom is when I am meeting my boyfriend in a public place or with mutual friends. I feel that in the long run, separating from my mother is best. She was supportive of me through a period in my life, pre-boyfriend, where I had gotten into a lot of trouble, and I am forever thankful for that. I just don't understand why she could stand by me when I made huge life-changing mistakes but cannot stand by me when I am happy. However, apart from that, I feel constantly bullied by her. She calls me names, such as "fat" or "stupid," in front of family and friends and once called me a prostitute for wearing sleeveless shirt and showing my shoulders. It's been a challenge to put up with her all these years, and it's led me to seek psychological help (which she made me quit going to). I'm just not sure whether it is rational to break from her now or later when I can be financially stable.

 

Thanks for your input

[turnera]

Are you in America?