im i crazy for writing this long letter to BF who cheated on me?

[gotplayed]

okay i caught my bf of 2yr cheating on me. i went to his house and he had been seeing this girl for 6 mo. So i wrote him a letter expressing all the feeling that i ever had.. I need advise on whether i should send it or not. how does this letter make me look. does it make me look phsyco? Do you think he will reply or throw it away. I haven't heard from him since that day, which was over a week ago. **Warning** this is a very long letter. Hope no one gets offended by anything in this letter. This letter is for adults only. I'll be surprised if anyone actually reads it.

 

Letter:

I’m writing this letter to express my feelings and its best for me if I write because if I told you verbally I would just be talking ****. I don't want to do that I want to let you know everything I ever felt. Hopefully I can articulate every thing clearly. Right now I'm not sure if I will ever mail it to you. I guess I will know when I finish. If you do read this letter you might realize it’s not about you but about me. Please don't disregard the things I say if you do decide to read this letter. I may be wasting my time with this letter but it can't be no worse than wasting 2 years of my life with somebody that wasn't real. There so much I wanted to tell you. I just wish you had taken the opportunity to know how things affected me. Writing letters, writing period is not my thing but everyone that cares about me says I need to do this to let it all out and let go. I know this is a long ass letter and I didn't expect it to be so long but once I started I couldn't stop. I have so much to say to you. If I do send it to you I hope you read everything and not just skim through it. I hope you read all of it; it will probably take you dayz.

I feel this is the best way for me to heal. I haven't slept or ate 5 day. I can't stop thinking of what a fool you made me. It really sucks to be me. I feel overwhelmed with sadness when I think that there will no longer be an us. An us to go out to eat, rent movies, get high (heehee), us to debate on whether evolution exits or just us together as one in the same body. I feel even more sad when I think of you doing the same things with that girl. I guess I was easily replaced. (You may think that I was easily replaced but you will realize you can't replace me) When I think about our relationship I think of all the positive and negative things. What stands out the most in my mind is the negative things between us. Of all the times that we shared, I think about how unhealthy the relationship was for me. I think about all the times that I cried and felt rejected by you. I think of the times you would go days and weeks with out calling me. Made me ask myself where did you go? Made me think do you still want me; are you thinking of me; do you miss me like I miss you; running out of reasons why I haven't heard from you. Thinking did he just use me and confuse me. I know our relationship wasn't the best relationship ever but I never thought that we would be here. I knew it was going to end someday but not in this way. I didn't want to hate you at the end; I wanted to know you in my life for a long time. But now that is impossible because I have no respect for you.

You may think that I’m wasting my time in college when I could just go to vocational school and learn one thing fast and make money. But what you don't know is I’m not in school for the paper I’ll be making but for the opportunity to learn and hopefully teacher others who don't have that opportunity. I’ve learned a lot of things about life. I ve learned about many theories that apply to my everyday life. One theory I learned about is the stages of relationships and when I look at the components of what a good relationship is I realize we were never there. I've learned that in a relationship you need to move back and forth in between the stages. And if you stay in one spot too long the relationship dies. Then I learned about betrayal and avoidance and that’s how a relationship ends. I never thought that this would be the way our relationship would end. I just feel a loss with you and anger. I know I can't forgive you for everything you have done and that’s a part that’s comes from with in and there nothing that will change that. But what I can do is forget it and move on to better things and brighter days.

I know i’m not the nicest person in the world. I do have a bad mouth but I was being real with you. The problem was that I wasn’t being real with myself. I talked a **** about everything that I didn't like about you. And it came out as nagging and complaining. I’m sorry for that. Instead of talking **** I should have said good-bye and moved on to someone who I didn't have reasons to talk shirt. I should have let you be with someone who respects you and thinks you a good catch. I noticed a pattern with myself. This is the second relationship I’ve been in where I knew I had no future with guy. But Instead of being smart and ending it I keep staying in it. It wasn't fair to you for me to put you down for who you are and what you have. I wasn't mad at you I was mad at myself for accepting it. I have these qualities that I want in a man and I got mad at you for not possessing those qualities. I apologize to you for talking **** about your kids, your house, your job, and you life. Sorry.....

Although I wasn’t the nicest person, I still feel that I deserved the truth from you especially when I asked for it. I feel betrayed by you Jason; you said i’m the only girl you like talking to which made me think you can talk about anything. So why could you not tell the truth to the one girl you like talking to? What did I do wrong? You probably feel that you did not cheat on me but you just neglected to tell me something that you knew would affect our relationship. And now I feel betrayed. I always believed you when you said I haven't lied to you about anything but one thing. I guess I had an expectation for you to tell me the truth only because I was a strong believer in Karma (what goes around comes around). I live my life in front of god everyday. I don't do things that i’m ashamed of or have to lie about. It’s sad that not everyone in this world is like that. Maybe that’s why there are so many evil people out there.

As thirty-one year old man and as father who is suppose to be a role model and a person who says they were married to someone who lied to them all the time, I never expected this from you. Of all the times I’ve questioned you about girls calling, it was your opportunity to be honest and instead you choose the deceitful and coward way by replying "I never touched those girls, your crazy." In my mind I knew what the truth was, why do you think I was sad all the time, but in my heart I wanted what you said to be true. My heart always won because my feeling was stronger. Now its broken into pieces and I don't think I will ever let it be back together again. That way my mind will always win and control the choices I make in the future. I’m not saying I will never fall in love with anyone again because I know I will and can. I never thought when I stopped loving my ex-boyfriend I will ever love anyone else but surprisingly I did. Meeting you has taught me that life and love goes on.

What was it about her that had potential, that you would jeopardize my feelings? What was it about her that made you give up on me? Is it because you see a future with her? I know I couldn't give you what you wanted (you probably think its what I wanted). I couldn't marry a guy that was already married and had kids with someone else and couldn't have kids. (And yeah maybe you can get reversed but who wants to go through that whole hassle). Because even though I loved you I couldn’t see my future like that. Remember what I said that day when we were in my car at the casino. It takes much more than love or lust to want to marry someone. You have to know that person and be able to grow with that person for the rest of your life. You couldn't ever give me the things that I what need. I was trying to be honest with you and not talking **** bec I didn't want you to get hurt. I didn't want to hurt you like you wife did to you. But looks like I was the one who got hurt. I could have easily cheated on you so many times and you would not have had the slightest clue.

You know Jason I seen her picture in your kitchen cabinet with her family or something and I thought it was someone in your family then I looked at the girl and thought no amount of make up will hide the fact that she has a ****ed up nose. I thought Jason wouldn't be seeing some that looks like that. And I thought why would someone give you a picture of their family. That’s kinda lame. She's the girl that went to North Carolina huh? And when I was asking you about the message you said your ex-wife left you someone called and you went to the room to talk, was it her? Was she coming over? Was that why you told me you have to get you kids? I felt that day that you didn't even want me there. When you called me that day to tell me you were taking your daughter to the movies I got this sad feeling and you were like what wrong. I couldn't say what was wrong because I didn't know. But I thought to myself why would he call me to tell me that. Did you take her to the movies? And when I called you all ****ed up you said you couldn’t get me because you had your kids but you were with her huh? And hunting for a week with your brother, I thought gee how can you go hunting for a week and not do your little league games with your kids but you can’t see me for one day because you so busy with them everyday. I feel so stupid. You know I keep going over and over all the signs and lies that were there. I keep rewinding them a replaying it in my mind. It’s killing me inside to think you would blow me off to be with her.

Do you like this girl because she doesn’t say **** to you and just is there and accepts the **** you do. Is she boring like you, is that why you like her. Are you more comfortable with her than you were with me? Does she make you feel better than I did? She must be as dumb as you to be interested in you for 6 months. At least I could say that I tried to make you different I tried to make you be better than you were because I know you can be. But as you know I failed. I just wanted you to put more effort. It hurts me a lot because I can't see why her. I keep asking my self that. She can't have that much of a personality. She didn't say **** when I said she looked cheap. I took her 5 minutes of me yelling at you out side to come to the door and then to say "Jason is this something you have on the side" asking you that like its okay to have something on the side. She didn't even care. When she said "how can he be with you when he spends all his time with me" I felt like you just handed her a knife to stab me in the back with. You know the only thing I ever asked you for was you time and your attention. I never asked you for your money or to buy me things. I called in sick to work so I can spend time with you thinking that it was the only available time you had. I cleaned your whole ****ing house. I was on my knees scrubbing your bathtub. The whole time I was thinking I wanted your house to be clean for your kids because it was their house and they are there all the time. But you had me clean your house so she could be in it. She probably came over after. Would she or anyone else have done that for you Jason? Does fold your kid’s clothes and 5 million towels off the bed for you when you dump them from the dryer?

And i'm sure your still with her because she probably thinks she won or something. You probably told her some bull **** like I was some psycho girl you were seeing that came over starting ****. I can't help but to think about the first time I was with you at your house and you had us leave because you said you psycho ex wife was coming over. She was coming over because you probably were still seeing her. You know what hurts the most? That you cared more about what you new girlfriend thought than me. I called you because I was sitting at the park crying bec I got into a fight with my parents. You said you had to pee and you will call me back. I said to you "okay, but please call me back, it is important." I honestly sat there and waited for you to call me back. I had nowhere to go but to you. Isn't that sad. What’s even more sad was that you didn’t even care where I went when I left your house. No courtesy calls, No nothing. No consolation prize for participating in your lies. You’re such a coward Jason. Its like you stood there and let it all go by. Do you know I stayed in my car all night till the morning? You probably called her a million times already huh. ............It’s ALL GOOD though, god made me go through that bec he know i’m stronger. ...... I guess trash stick to garbage......

What sucks is my vision of you was tarnished. Now and forever on when I think of you I picture the way you looked when you opened the door and saw me.

That dumb shocked looked on you face.

I wish I never saw what she looked like. Then I could just think she was beautiful and that’s why you were with her. But instead god made me go over that day and see that. Now I picture you with her holding her, kissing her, ****ing her, I feel groose and dirty. How can you have sex with her and me in the same bed, the same bed your kids sleep in? I begged you to use a condom and you promised you hadn't been with anyone. Now I have to get tested. Do you know how humiliating that is going to be for me? I would have never done that to you. You cheating on me I can get over but a disease I would just die. Do you know that one of every 3 people in America have Aids. Remember when I said I didn't feel attracted to you and I felt distant. Well because things didn't feel the same. I didn’t have the same feeling when you were inside me. It was probably because a part of you wasn't there. A part of you belonged to someone else. Where you thinking of her when you were with me.

You know, in real life i’m not a very jealous or insecure person and it scared me that you made me feel like that. I am too nieve. That is probably why it was so easy for my ex-boyfried to cheated on me. I never saw it coming. When we first met I never questioned anything you did or say. Until that day I heard that girl what was her name Megan call and leave you a message. Ever since then I vet had this overwhelming feeling that I could not control. I didn't want to get played again. I questioned every inconsistency. More and more girls more messages, just random girls and you always had a lie. I can't believe I was so stupid. You always made me feel like I was tripping off nothing and too emotional well looks like I had a reason to be. I honestly did not think you would be like that. I thought you would tell me if you wanted to see someone else. I don’t know why but I just didn't think it. But I should have trusted my instincts and not my lover.

There is one thing that was on my conscious for a long time that I did not tell you. I guess it was the one thing that I lied to you about. I didn't know why I was scared to tell you, I wanted you to know because I didn’t want you to think I was crazy all the time. Well you know how you said you were fixed well I didn’t believe that a thirty-year-old man would be fixed. I went and got Deposer a birth control shot. I guess it makes your body think its pregnant or something like that. Do you remember last summer I would eat as much as you did? I guess I didn't tell you because I thought you would just use that a reason why I was tripping out. I swear it made me crazy. It made me moody and cry about everything hate the fact that of all times I' ve cried in front of you, you never wiped my tears, and you never looked at me, you never told me don't cry it will be okay. I would cry myself to sleep in you bed. It hurt me that you could just fall a sleep. I could never have someone in my house in my bed crying while I slept. That’s just not human. And on top of that I found out my dad had cancer. Do you know what I went through and what i’m still going through? I guess I resented you because you weren't there to support me. It made me feel like ****. The know the person I was giving my body to did not care what my soul was going through. Its hard for me to talk to people about my problems, the only one who I was able to every open up to was my ex bf. I guess I thought since you were my bf you would help me. But instead I you made me feel used. Do you know how it mad me feel when my ex bf would call me to make sure I was okay. And you never did, maybe once or twice you asked me how’s you dad doing. And I felt like saying he has cancer how the **** do you think he’s doing! You sit there and you talk about you having to go through your grandma dieing because she old but and I would just think to myself at least you don't have to through your father dieing soon. I regret that I spent my time with you and not with my family. I regret that I spent Fathers day with you last year because I felt bad you didn't get to spend it alone. Those are times that I can't take back. I pushed the people that really cared about me for someone who were just using me. I guess this is my bad karma. You were my punishment.

Anyways I don't want you to feel bad. You were just looking out for yourself. And I don’t blame you. I should do the same thing. I got spoiled by my exboyfriend because he always took care of me and I thought that any other guy would do the same thing. I was wrong and my ex bf was right no one will ever treat me like he did. I just wish I could love him the same way I did once. But that feeling is gone. I would love to just belong to someone. Be a couple with someone.

I’m glad for everything that happened. I got to see things for what you really are. It was traumatic but I better get use to guys cheating on me... looks like its in style these days. Had I not saw with my own eyes what I did; I would probably have continued to be dumb. I gave you to much credit. When you weren't with me I made up excuses to myself why you weren't there. Never did I think you would be in a relationship with someone else. I could say you are a dog and just thinking with your penis but you weren't. You were malice. This was premeditated. You knew what you were doing Jason. You said to me that you didn't want to be in a relationship. You said you weren't a good boyfriend. And your doing those exact things that I need from you with someone else. Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you.

This is something I need an answer to, you started to ignore me in February, you been seeing her since January. Then what made you call me in March and see me again? What was missing in that relationship that you had to involve me again? Then why did you diss me again for her. Why? Were you with her on New Years? Were you with her on Valentines Day when I was at home alone? I didn't think that you hated me that much to ignore me on that day. It hurt me a lot Jason. Did you take her out instead, buy her flower, and buy her something? Things you have never done for me in the past 2 years that I've known you. The past six months you were with her I was by myself depressed at home doing nothing. I guess I was holding on to something. Everyday I thought of you. One way or another. I didn't talk to anyone, go out with anyone, sleep with anyone, nothing. Maybe if I did I wouldn't feel so hurt now. My feelings for you were always there and I couldn't just see someone else. That’s not me to be so insecure and jump form one person to another. I’m not afraid to be alone. I can be by myself and be happy. I know that I can't depend on another person for my own happiness. What I need to understand is that I can't let someone who is miserable take my happiness away.

Plus I really thought you were with you kids, being a father, taking care of them. I never thought you were trading me for someone else. I told myself that I will just step back and let you be a father because those kids need some sort of stability in their life since their mother doesn't take care of them.... so you say. Now I know their father doesn't either. Little did I know that you were blowing your kids off to be with her just like you did last summer when you were with me all the time? Shifting them to your parents or whoever. That made me really sad that you had to do that to them. I have never once told you to be with me and not your kids so you knew that I could not say anything if you said you were with you kids. I just thought you loved your kids too much to use them as a lie. Yeah you maybe spending 2 hours a day with them at practice but then you’re with her. You know what sucks is there are so many good people out there who can not have kids and then there are those people who can have kids but choose to neglect them.

Has she been around your kids? That’s another thing that bugs me about our relationship, how can you be seeing me for so long and never once introduce me to your kids. Do you know how that made me feel, like” something on the side". You know I like kids and I work around them all day and you know I would never say anything stupid around them. Its not even that I want to meet them but the principle of the matter that you never thought of me as important enough to sit me down and have a serious conversation about it like adults. Whether you wanted me to or not. Everyone that I talk to and tell them about you and your situations they all say why haven't you met his kids. Why is he hiding you? And these are people who have kids of their own. How can you expect your kids to be open with you when you’re not open with them? It works both ways just because your the parent doesn't mean you can do whatever. Remember Karma. When you old an gray and can’t take care of your self you don't want them going out with there boyfriends and girlfriends and leaving you alone or in a home some where.

Well damn I didn't think I was going to write a freaking bible. I told you I talked a lot; I just held things back when I was with you beck you never talked to me. But i’m so glad I wrote this letter. I feel so much better. I feel like that 100 lb brick that was on my chest was lifted. I hate that i’m not the type of person who can express themselves effectively instead I just talk ****. That’s something I need to work on. Jason this letter is everything I went through with you. I’m sure later I will think of stuff I left out but oh well. This letter is me raw, unedited. That why I am not going to proof read it, sorry for all they type-o's, grammar and spelling error. And the rambling on and on. I just hope you actually read it. I hope you have the mentality to understand what i’m saying.

It’s up to you what you want to do with this letter. If you want to throw it away fine. If you want to keep it and frame it fine...j/k. If you want to reply to if fine. It would be nice to get answers and an explanation for things but that’s all up to you. I’m not expecting anything from you but closure and I have that now. I’m closing this chapter in my life. This experience is the best early birthday present you could have ever gave me. I can enter my twenty fourth year without any negativity.

I know you have some resentment for you’re ex wife; I know your future with her did not go as you planed. I know you’re mad at her for not being a mother. I strongly recommend you write her a letter you don't even have to send it to her. I wasn't going to send this to you but I felt it would be better to get it out of my hands and my life. You need to do that you can't keep all that stuff inside its not healthy. It might be easier to hold it inside and act like you don’t care but its feels much better inside to let it out. I vet always felt like you took your anger out on me for what she did to you. And it wasn't fair to me. I know you treat your wife like gold and she took advantage of that. You thought I would do the same thing. That why you treated me like dirt. I’ve kept everything I felt inside because I was afraid of what you would think. I didn't want to make myself volrunable.

[kirkyswife]

I dated someone who truly hurt me like you sound ( I didn't read the whole thing - but I know the pain because I've been there) and I used to write emails like this - it was therapeutic only if I deleted it from my system and didn't print it so that I could dwell on how bad I was feeling. I wanted him to know how his actions hurt me and I wanted to get it off my heart the pain I felt by his deception. Don't expect a response - if he's been cheating for 6 months you weren't the most important person on his mind and despite his deception if he's been caught and you two had what we call history = which is "2 + years" he feels bad but he's too much of a coward to call you - but don't worry he will eventually call because that's what cowards do. Oh and you are gonna relapse because you're hurt and you don't understand and you want to know Why. But I'm going to say this to you You will more than likely not receive an answer to the Whys and if you do they will only create more or be so inadequate and/or lame that it just won't be good enough. Oh gosh you sound like me when I was younger and I swear some of the paragraphs were mine verbatim. And the girl my ex was cheating on me with was a MONSTA - ugh it was like you are cheating on me with that. I couldn't believe it. It took me a LONG time to get out of that sick cycle and finally one day I realized after hurting and crying that he didn't respect me because it's clear that I don't respect or love myself I just got off the couch called a counselor and worked really hard to find out what the hell my problem was. Once I started that process my husband entered my life and well that's that. But it's been many, many years and he still tries to find ways to contact me despite the fact that I married and moved on. Oh but he didn't care about my being married he wanted to see me, date me whatever - I never cheated on my husband with him and don't respond to his messages at all. I don't think about him and I don't like him very much. I don't know what I saw in him to tell you the truth.

 

This guy isn't going to change Sweetie. Go get yourself some counseling and figure out why you subjected yourself to this kind of person and how to heal your spirit. STAY IN SCHOOL , get your degree and you will be blessed with a strong sense of self, independence and a man that will appreciate you for the woman you will have become.

 

Take care of you girl and DON'T LOOK BACK -

[fluffy]

I know exactly how you are feeling. My ex bf of 4 years did the exact same thing to me. He started a relationship with another girl in January, and i didn´t found out until May (for the full story go to Coping - together for 4 years, dumped me for another girl).

 

I believe it was a good idea to write this letter, because you vent everything you feel and think. You must feel a little better now that you have your ideas, thoughts and feelings clear. But i also believe that you shouldn´t send the letter.

 

First of all, you have to realize that if you mail him the letter, he might not even read it. If he does read it, i am almost sure that he wont answer it or call you or anything. And even if he answers or calls you, what do you expect him to say? When i confronted my boyfriend the only answers i got where "i don´t know why i did it, i am soooo confused, blah blah blah" Those answers didn´t helped me at all. He did said "i´m sorry" and that make me feel a little better, but they i found out that he was still with the other girl, so those words didn´t meant anything for me either.

 

Please analyze the situation: if he hasn´t called just to say "hey i´m sorry for what i did", it means that he doesn´t cares about all the pain he caused you. At the beginning i taught that my boyfriend didn´t called me because he was too embarrassed or afraid to talk to me, so i made the huuuuge mistake of contacting him...the reason that he hadn´t called me was that he was with her, and they were MARRIED!!!!!!! So please, before you try to contact him, think it very well...

 

For me, and i believe that for you too, the most painful thing wasn´t only that he had been sleeping with another girl (i mean it is horrible and it makes me sick ),but the worst thing is that he had an emotional relationship with her...to think that he talked to her about things that i believed he only shared with me...to think that he had secrets with her...to realize that he liked to spent more time with her than with me...those where the worst things. For 4 years he made me feel like the most special girl in the world just to find out that i wasn´t that special at all....

 

But believe me when i tell you that things will get better...The first two weeks for me where like hell. I couldn´t eat or sleep, i cried all day. But now, i am on my fourth week, i am feeling much happier and stronger. I am making an effort to be healthier, to have a better body. Also i am taking some classes to keep myself busy. Right now i´m on vacation, but in august i will return to college. I wont lie to you. Part of the reason that i am doing all of this is because i hope that someday i would run into him and his new wife, and that they will see what a success i am. That way he will realize what a huge mistake he made. But i am also doing those things because i want to be happy. And believe me that i am happier now, without him. I still miss him, or what we were, but i am confident that i would find another man to love and to be loved, and to have a healthy relationship.

 

Sorry for this long reply, i hope it helped. If you feel like talking, i am right here ok?