What Should I do about Husband's Internet Cheating

[PenJay]

I am in a quandary as to what to do about my husband’s behavior. About 18 months ago he became fanatical about his cell phone. It would ring at 2 or 3 in the morning or beep that SMS messages were coming. He said it was work. ? Then it got so bad he started sleeping with the phone under his pillow. I have awakened many nights and found him sending sms messages or masturbating. He also started keeping the phone in silent mode. We had several conversations about this but he just kept saying it was nothing and then wouldn’t discuss it. He’s the silent type. Our sex life, which had been very good, began to dwindle. When asked about this he said he didn’t feel well and don’t bother him. I had to come home to America because of my mother’s illness last summer. While there my Mother and my brother died within 4 weeks of each other. I had to stay until Sept. because of taking care of their final business. When I returned I knew something was wrong but I still couldn’t be sure except the phone. In January we both went to the states and he came back for work after 2 weeks. I stayed on to help my daughter with a 20 month old and a new baby. When I was about 2 weeks away from returning he emailed me that he had shaved off all his body hair. I thought this rather gay but ok. He said it was because of the extreme heat here in India. Then he kept after me to have my daughter get a webcam. I told him she didn’t want one. Also he asked me a favor to go to his daughter’s wedding reception, even though, she and I are not on the best of terms. He said he couldn’t lose face in a social situation. I agreed and his daughter and I made peace. One night I awakened and lying between us was his cell phone. I picked it up and started looking at the phonebook. I didn’t see anything. Then in the outgoing messages I found 3 very sexy gay messages. I woke him up and he denied that he sent them. He said they were sent to him and he saved them to try and find out who sent them. The one message described him and told about having a smooth body? I asked if he had ever had sex with a man and he said “NO WAY”. I also found gay porn on the computer. When I asked him about this he said they came in his email and he accidentally clicked on them, 30 websites! I was at my wits end. I was on the computer and looking for a file when I came across files with a woman’s name and another man’s name. I asked him about this and he said he didn’t know anything about it. I then looked further and found email accounts for these people. The messages had to do with crossdressing and gay topics, nothing about loving women! When I confronted him with this he said someone hacked in and was using our computer. I didn’t buy it. The next day he left town and I started going through the computer and Internet sites. I found my husband’s pictures all over the Internet dressed as a woman! The pictures were taken in our bedroom! I was sick to my stomach. I didn’t know what to do. I cried and cried I couldn’t tell anyone here so I called my daughter in U.S. She said come home now. I love him so much I couldn’t. I tried getting hold of him but the message kept saying his phone was turned off.

When he came home the next day I confronted him and he said “so what It’s no big deal”. I couldn’t make him see if was a big deal. He said he was only playing a game! It just happened. He went out and bought a wig! and he stills say it wasn’t planned. He was wearing my jewelry and underwear!

The only thing he got upset over was that I had told my daughter. He became angry at that. In the emails I found he wrote to someone that he had been molested as a boy by a teacher and this teacher would take him home, dress him up and make him act as his wife. This it says went on for several years. When asked about this he said it was all made-up “ like writing an erotic novel”. I don’t know what to believe. I have grandchildren as he does and I don’t know if he poses a threat to them? He agreed to see a psychiatrist. Then while talking to my daughter (using his phone) an sms message came through not once but twice. I started looking at his phone again and he had such listings as for a “drdeep”. Again he said these were nothing and they meant nothing. I also decided to look further back at old computer files and I found where he had been using chat and been in lots of chat rooms. He had also sent kisses, hearts and other emotions with these messages but he and I never chatted not did he send me any hearts and kisses. We visited the psychiatrist and my husband said for me to tell what happened. Then the dr. asked my husband do you want this marriage to work and he said very much so, yes. Then the doctor said well this is no big deal but you understand the pictures speak for themselves and are a threat to your position in society if anyone saw them? He just shrugged his shoulders. Next week he has an appointment for psychiatric evaluation then another meeting with the dr. after the results of the tests. I am not allowed in these meetings or sessions now so how will I know what is really happening? Since our meeting with the doctor I have found receipts for food delivered to our home for 2 people on several occasions and yesterday I found a receipt for jewelry that was purchased while I was in the states.When I asked him where the wig was he said it was “gone”. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t asked about the receipt for jewelry yet. I don’t know whether to stay or go. I had told him I would stay until the evaluation came back but how will I know that I am getting the truth. He is a quiet kind person but I feel so betrayed and cheated on although he says it was all on the internet and sms messages but when a text message says “call me plz…..” It sounds like he has their phone number. I don’t know what to do. Please I’m looking for advice. Thank you for listening to me.

[kirkyswife]

Oh Penjay my best friend just went through something similar she met this guy on a internet site - she lives in California he lives in Philadelphia. They began talking ALL day all night , text messaging - just had a connection. We all had the opportunity to talk to him - her mom, sister, me, her neighbor - we loved him. Video Confererced with him - I mean they were supposedly falling in love. She flew out to Philadelphia after 4 months of communication and the trip was a disaster - he was supposedly working or whatever. NOW before she started talking to this fool she asked him if he was married; dating or in a commited relationship or if he had kids - all of which he assured her no. She said okay I am going to trust your word but I am going to warn you if you are lying and your wife calls me with the dram I'm going to give her all the details so please don't put me in that position he was like relax you aren't going to have dram from me right. So he's ending her text messages that were like I can't believe that I met my Soulmate, I'm falling in love with you and just spreading it on thick and the hours upon hours they communicated on a daily basis was out of control that she found herself catching feelings as well. I mean what do you expect when you talk to someone all day everyday and honestly when I say all day I mean out of 24 hours they'd spend anywhere from 14 - 18 on the phone. He called her every morning at 4AM cal time and that's how their day went - if he left his house he called and said I'm leaving I'll be n the car in a minute and if she left and didn't call him she was in trouble - not in a bad way it was really sweet how muc the enjoyed one another and when I spoke to him he said he knew she was the one and that he was going to love her - promising not to hurt her - said he same thing to her parents, sisters I mean this guy was GOOD.

 

Again, before she boarded the plane to Philadelphia she asked him one more time are you sure you aren't married,have kids - again he said no. All the time she was in Philadelphoa he had her in a hotel by his job and still denied being married or having kids until finally he told her she was being paranoid. Well wouldn't you she had the worst time in Philadelphia he "worked" the whole time she was there and she was really mad that they didn't get out as they had discussed. On Sunday mornng he's with her at the hotel and he's crying (no one knows why) but they cried together and he promised that he was coming to California to ask her father for her hand in marriage in 2 weeks and that he truly loved her right. Wednesday of the following week his WIFE called and informed her that she and her husband of 4 years (and father of her 2 kids) had logged a total of 19,000 CELLULAR minutes in 4 months (336 hours okay) and all the coward could say was that he was speechless.

 

My suggestion to you is that you walk away from this situation and pray his new lifestyle hasn't caused you any medical harm. See a counselor - they are the best healing resource.

 

Good luck to you Sweetie!

[Love2BLoved]

Any type of cheating is not acceptable!!!

[HoldOn]

Does he actually expect you to believe all these ridiculous lies?

[Moose]

Man, does this guy sound confused. I'm happy to hear that he's getting help. But, I'm afraid the damage might of already been done. Most of the time things like this is just a phase. But in your case, I really think he has had an affair, and I'm thinking with another man.

 

The reason I call it just a phase is because my wife went through this not too long ago and she's still having problems with it. She thinks she's bi and has been trying to talk me into a FMF with her Sister-in-Law. Her Sister-in-Law is an extremely sexy woman, and I'm tempted, but I won't allow something like this destroy our marriage and relationship with her brother and his wife. Since I said no, she's not talked about it too much. Now this might mean she's going behind my back, but I don't want to know. She's told me that those feelings are starting to wear off....hence, the phase.

 

With your husband though, I really think he's got issues he is going to need to deal with. Did he have a bad childhood or something? Was he sexually abused? Whatever the reason, I still think he's done the deed and now you are going to have to make a decision. You've already said that you still love him.....so now you need to make sure that he's not going to do anything like this again and begin your forgiving and healing process.

 

I think counceling for the two of you would do you wonders.....but make sure you give your husband your attention and understanding, ( even if it's hard to understand ), and maybe things will get better for you.

 

Good Luck

 

Moose

[PHILLisIN]

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!!! His lying and cheating is not acceptable, have some respect for yourself!!

[Moose]

Dr Phil is inn,

Is that your answer? It's obvious that you don't even believe in working things out, have you every though that maybe she still loves him? What about that? What he did is not acceptable, but I thing he's disturbed, sick if you will, would your advice to a married couple who has one spouse sick with the flu that they divorce because of an illness.

 

You sound lazy and very selfish to me. There are other people on this planet....get used to it.