Blarg

[IntoTheAbyss]

So my stbxw (27) has been living at her parents for the past month. She left two months ago but after a few days she asked to come back and I foolishly let her. Three weeks of her going out, playing her online games and talking to her new emotional fling (who she plans on driving 16 hours to see in July) I flipped out and told her to leave.

 

We are doing 1 and 1 rotation with our two kids, when I have them she never calls to talk to them. Tells me they can call her too (oldest is 6).. I also know all she does at night is talk to this guy from another country. She also finally went and got a few months of birth control after I told her I was going to remove her from my benefits.

 

I know the way things were going it wasn't going to work. The main reason I told her to leave was because I hoped in the next few months I could heal and it wouldn't bother me... but it's a lot harder than I thought.

 

She got a new job after a year or so three weeks ago, she kept bragging to me about how great things were going for her. For the past two weeks I have done NC except for kids issues... she doesn't like me being vague, or not saying bye to her.

 

If she's the one that wanted to move on, is still doing the things I had a problem with while we were together than why does she care if I don't want anything to do with her.

 

She doesn't contact me at all, these signs are what I see when we swap kids .. how do I not give a crap what she's doing..!

[Steen719]

Hi Abyss,

I think it is pretty common that even if they don't want you, they want you to move on and don't want to think you might find someone else. She might be on a high right now, but that doesn't mean it will last. Most of the time, once the good times wear off, a "leaver" will start examining what they have left. Really, if you think about it, if she doesn't think about it, she isn't the kind of person you want anyway. She is a cake-eater. She wants the new, exciting man she has not met and she wants to think you will be there, waiting in the wings. She is not much different from most of the spouses who take off, sorry to say.

 

It might be hardest thing that you have been through in your life and depending on how long you are married, how much you depended on each other, what your feelings are for her and what kind of person you are as to how long you will feel like crap. It is taking me a long time to get over my divorce. I have been by myself with no family near by. My son is in college and family is all far away. Eventually, I will move home to be near them, but being alone has made it harder. When XH cheated when son was 7, in some ways it was easier. I worked full time out of the house (I work from home now) and I had to keep going for my son.

 

It is hard, no matter what, if you are a decent person who loves your spouse, but you will be up to it. Know that, even in the really dark times, there will be some relief in the future and you will feel better. You are young; you will find someone again and hopefully she will be someone who will treat you the way you should be.

 

Here are your virtual hugs....{{{HUG, HUG}}}

[IntoTheAbyss]

Steen. Thanks for the reply. We were together for 7 years, married for almost 5 this coming July. She was my first love, I fell for her hard. I was emotionally very attached to her, it's hard not having someone here to just share myself with.

[IntoTheAbyss]

I just don't know if I have been doing the right things. The week after she left for good I was doing the typical texts, telling her she didn't try hard enough etc etc. Being a complete mess. Then I had some of her things moved out via my brother in law (from her side) and she called me all pissed off because "I had no right to move HER things" .. it's not like I tossed the things in the garbage, she mentioned asking this specific person, and after a few weeks she hadn't gotten around to doing it, so I did.

 

After this all started going down I took the kids over to her sisters house (I know, the 180 says not to keep in contact with her family .. but we are close) and she flipped out apparently. Telling her sister that she has to let her know when we meet, well, after a month and about 5+ visits with the kids she just told my sister in law a few days ago she no longer has to tell her. So who knows what changed there.

 

Last Wednesday I told her that I went to a seminar the night before (while she had the kids for the night) at a divorce mediator company. She started asking me questions about it, I told her I just wanted to let her know and that if she wanted more information she could look into it herself. She then says "so I guess you just want to get this over with then?" and I told her if this is how it had to be, then yes. .. but why even bother asking that question? It's what she wanted!

 

My daughter had to miss her kindergarten class on Wednesday so I texted my stbxw and told her that she missed it due to car trouble. She responds "um ok" then I told her I was letting her know because it was about the kids. She replies "mmhmm thanks". Then she asked for the name of the divorce place I went to and that was it. Hasn't tried to contact me at all.

 

I see what you're saying Steen, about pretty much stringing me along incase things don't work out. It just eats me up inside when she doesn't even contact the kids for 3-4 days. It's hard enough that she doesn't bother talking to me, or hasn't reached that point of any sort of contact .. but the kids thing is the killer.

 

It's really hard at times not bringing the NC other than kid swapping .. which she is coming to do soon .. maybe thats where my anxiety is coming from.

Edited April 29, 2012 by IntoTheAbyss
changed wife to stbxw .. more suitable.

[IntoTheAbyss]

LOL. I just got a text from my brother in law, told me she was going to be there at 2 .. me thinking she was going to come get the kids like we had planned last week .. still hasn't come. Thinks she planned on coming over to see her sister alone, doesn't even call or anything. Sheesh.

[Steen719]

I am hoping some of the guys will hop on here to talk to you about the kids thing. I haven't experienced that. I would walk across broken glass if someone tried to keep me from mine. She should be contacting the kids, that I believe. Maybe you should ask her to contact the kids once a day when she does not have them. Can't she call them on the house phone? She should know that it would be hard for the kids not to speak to her. Do you call them when she has them? Call her on the phone for them and let her talk.

 

I don't know.....it doesn't sound to me like she is interested in it working out between the two of you, and my guess is that she is not remotely ready to see that she be making a mistake. She hasn't met with the guy yet and won't see what she is giving up her life for until then or sometime after then.

 

Has she said she is interested in working things out with you or is it that you are moving on the divorce quickly that bothers her (as in she has not finished planning what she will do)?

 

I think you should follow the NC except for your kids. If she is interested in possibly working things out and you are willing to do it, you can wait on the divorce, but have it ready to go. If she is not interested in working anything out to save her marriage, I don't know what else you can do, but move forward.

 

Does she want the kids when she has them? Does she spend quality time with them when she has them? If not, maybe you could have them full time. They might have more stability that way.

 

Wish I could say something to make you feel better. It stinks and it hurts and you have to walk through it. There is no other way to get to the other side that will include healing if you don't meet it head on and go through it. There is life on the other side.

[IntoTheAbyss]

She told me last month she was done, she had nothing left. This was while I was doing my begging and pleading. Since I told her I agreed and it was for the best in the end (I slipped her a note saying sorry for my part in the huge arguement we had days before, then I added it was for the best), she hasn't said anything about us.

 

It was her who started this ball rolling, and as much as I didn't want to, I have been the one pushing to get things seperated. I brought her to the bank to get her off my joint account, I paid for the car insurance once then told her the rest was up to her and asked her to remove the car from my account (she did). I called Telus and asked them how to split our account, I did stage one, told her she would have to call in to confirm (she hasn't done it yet).

 

As for the kids, she does seem interested in them when she comes to get them and it's not like she just tosses them out the car door when she drops them off.

 

Lol, just got a text, sure enough. She showed up by herself. So frusterating because she asked me to watch the kids last night .. for some reason she thought we were doing Friday - Friday. I told her it was Sunday - Sunday because that's what she wanted. Yet .. I guess she plans on coming to get them in the evening .. her sisters house is 30m south of the city, so she will have to drive all the way here, then go to her parents which is 20m south of the city. Makes no sense.

 

Then again, I've been told I have been the level headed one through all of this. Maybe I should just start believing in what I'm told.

 

Thanks again Steen, many a internet HUGS your way!

[IntoTheAbyss]

OMG, she just rejoined facebook, the day after i removed her and everyone one of her family members (because i didnt want to start any problems if someone said something) AND SHE CHANGED HER STATUS TO SINGLE. from married to single, for everyone to see. SHE HAS MY FAMILY ON THERE.

 

LIKE WTF!

[IntoTheAbyss]

I removed her, I cant see **** on her status, shes 'friends only'. I just had a **** storm of texts and calls from my family asking me what's going on. No one knew about this, but now she's up and outted it without any regard for me or how it would make me feel.

 

It's bull**** and it's unbelievable.

[coopster]

and your problem is WHAT????

 

 

 

 

 

 

and again ....... ????

[IntoTheAbyss]

Coopster, my problem is that I cannot believe the complete change in the woman I have been with for 7 years. It's upsetting and the dagger keeps getting twisted. It's upsetting she doesn't see what she is doing, for me, the person who is having to live this. It hurts.

[coopster]

Coopster, my problem is that I cannot believe the complete change in the woman I have been with for 7 years. It's upsetting and the dagger keeps getting twisted. It's upsetting she doesn't see what she is doing, for me, the person who is having to live this. It hurts.

 

 

the dagger only `twists` when you let it

 

 

YOU were doing ok.what happened?

 

What has she done for you to feel this way?

[coopster]

Coopster, my problem is that I cannot believe the complete change in the woman I have been with for 7 years. It's upsetting and the dagger keeps getting twisted. It's upsetting she doesn't see what she is doing, for me, the person who is having to live this. It hurts.

 

 

you were fine with it before...why not now??

[Steen719]

OMG, she just rejoined facebook, the day after i removed her and everyone one of her family members (because i didnt want to start any problems if someone said something) AND SHE CHANGED HER STATUS TO SINGLE. from married to single, for everyone to see. SHE HAS MY FAMILY ON THERE.

LIKE WTF!

 

Hey, sorry, Abyss, I guess this tells you what she wants. Make your plans and go forward. Get some counseling to help you sort it out and figure out what is the best thing to do for your kids. It sure doesn't sound like she is conflicted about what she wants...she wants out. Sorry. I know it hurts.

[IntoTheAbyss]

Well today she asked me for full custody of the kids .. so she could qualify for assisted living housing. Her parents will be selling there home in July and she won't have a place to live. So she expects me to give up my legal rights to the children just so she can possibly, maybe, go live in a ****hole dive with my children.

 

She thinks we can still do the 50/50 shared time with them .. but what I learned is that in order to stay living in this assisted living housing .. she needs to have them 100% of the time or she can get reported and booted.

 

Of course I said no, she was like "so then you would rather see there mother without a house and them without a home" ... they can come stay with me if she can't support them.

 

This was all at my daughters dance class, which I came to see when I didn't have them this weekend. She was 15 minutes late for the class with the kids because my son threw a huge fit in the car about having to wear his jacket (he's 4). So she had to turn around and pawn him off on her dad because she couldn't handle him. When I asked her why she didn't just take the jacket off she replied "I'm not going to give into him".

 

She couldn't even take both kids to my daughters dance, and she thinks I will give her 100% custody of my children? Hell no.

 

I don't know whats going through her mind .. she applied for government assisted living .. yet she went out 3 weeks ago for a 4 day shopping trip across the boarder and plans on going back across the boarder in July for a LAN Party (and to probably meet her new boyfriend) .. like hell the government would let any of that slide and give her a place when there are a lot more people and families in need.

[IntoTheAbyss]

Today she asked me for help with grocery money when the kids are at her place for the week. 2 weeks ago I offered her money for the first week she took the kids and she refused it. Said she could do it on her own.

 

Yesterday she asks me for full custody of the children .. and then today she asks me for help with them when they are over there. She gets the entire child tax benefit money, while I'm on employment insurance I make just as much as her and I have them at least 60 / 40 (they are here during the day even when she has them for the week so I can take my daughter to school while I watch my son).

 

We both started out with the same amount of money when we split, I spent mine on getting a car, fixing it up and the rest on the kids. She spent hers on getting $100 hairstyle, went on a 4 day shopping trip across the boarder and who knows what else.

 

So one week she can do it on her own, next week she is asking me for full custody of the kids and then the next day asking me for money.

 

Like what the hell is going on in this girls head?? She lives at her parents, her mom cooks her dinners, they also keep the kids company while she 'has them' .. makes no sense!