The less people know me, the more they like me

[Eternal Sunshine]

I feel like over the years, I have grown this fabricated image of myself. People think that I am much happier, much more outgoing and much more of everything than I really am. Interestingly, I am more of my authentic self on LS than anywhere else. Perhaps that's why I keep coming back.

 

I attract super-outgoing men that are popular, have millions of friends and are always chipper. They like me and they want to date me. They have no idea who I really am, they have no idea how dark and empty I get. The first thing they tell me is how much they like the fact that I am always smiling. My heart always sinks when I hear that. They are complimenting me on something that's not real. Yet, I do want them to like me. So I keep up appearances - I can do that for a very long time indeed. Sadly, it means that there is a wall there that avoids letting them in too close.

 

My ex was having doubts about me few months in - he said that's because I didn't really match up to the image he had of me when we first met. He got over it and accepted me, but even acknowledging that made me put my walls up a little and as a result I was rarely relaxed around him. Even though we lived together.

 

I always sense that I would connect much better with someone that is a bit of a loner, an introvert that mostly lives a life of solitude, that's a bit "different", that enjoys just "being" and doesn't have to lead the life of non-stop scheduled activity. But guys like that are never drawn to me. I very rarely meet them and when I do (I met a couple on OKC) - they reject me after 1-2 dates. They don't give me a chance to show them who I really am. I tell them honestly what I did on the weekends (which mostly consists of bar hopping with friends I don't really relate to and meeting people I don't really want to meet).

 

I have created a whole life/lifestyle around my fabricated image. I don't know how to go back. I can't let people down that consider me a friend. I wish I could have had a courage to live life more in line with my authentic self than this need to be liked and accepted by society.

 

I don't really know where I am going with this. I just need some thoughts, advice, comfort, anything.

[darkmoon]

get to a counsellor, discuss your desired outcome, and have a couple of sessions to see how it goes, some are better than others, but whichever counsellor you decide to hire, you need help to sort your head out

[Star Gazer]

But guys like that are never drawn to me. I very rarely meet them and when I do (I met a couple on OKC) - they reject me after 1-2 dates. They don't give me a chance to show them who I really am. I tell them honestly what I did on the weekends (which mostly consists of bar hopping with friends I don't really relate to and meeting people I don't really want to meet).

 

So who you really/honestly are, is a person who goes bar hopping with friends you don't relate to and meeting people you really don't want to meet? That sounds like a vapid, fake social life.

 

Do you think ANY type of guy would find that attractive in a woman?

[writergal]

get to a counsellor, discuss your desired outcome, and have a couple of sessions to see how it goes, some are better than others, but whichever counsellor you decide to hire, you need help to sort your head out

 

I agree with Darkmoon about seeing a counselor. He or she will help you to re-stabilize yourself with helpful feedback. You may benefit from a type of therapy called cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy looks at the negative thought patterns created around the self and offers strategies to reframe negative thoughts to more positive and affirming.

[TaraMaiden]

Read my signature.

 

And then,

 

weigh up in your heart, the emotions of anger, resentment and delusion, against those of happiness, serenity and contentment.

 

Then choose.

 

 

Simple.

Edited April 29, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[spookie]

I think you're probably being too tough on yourself.

 

The way I see it, everybody has a social side and an introverted side.

 

You have been expressing the social side more frequently than you'd like. I'm guessing you're not being fake per se, just not allotting enough time to be introverted (either by yourself, or with someone you can be introverted with).

 

Just take it easy on the social calendar for a while. You don't have to say yes to every invite not to neglect your friends. It might help to take a break from the bar-hopping/ drinking. If you found a way to replace that with a hobby that requires less energy/ cheerfulness, that might be ideal.

 

As for relationships, that's a whole different issue. Clearly, you're attracting the wrong guys. If you're advertising yourself as a social butterfly, in terms of interests and style, it's probably putting off the types you want to attract. Like attracts like. I know for me, introversion is practically a requirement. Two introverts who are compatible, can be alone, together, and that's the best. They don't suck energy away from each other, like an introvert/ extrovert pairing (in my experience).

 

Chill out. Stop with the woe is me s!ht. Good luck.

Edited April 29, 2012 by spookie

[EasyHeart]

It sounds like you don't like yourself very much. If the person who knows you best -- you! -- don't like yourself, you can't expect other people to like you.

 

To some extent all of us are torn between being ourselves and being the person we want to be. Sometimes that's a good thing, like when it's something we can change (eg, learning a new skill or changing careers). But it can be very destructive when it's something that we have no control over.

 

I think the first step is to get to know yourself and accept yourself for who you are. It's easy to get caught in the trap of thinking you have to be the person that society thinks you should be, but the reality is that lots of us are never going to be "normal" in the sense that the rest of society thinks we should be. That's okay! Not all of us have to be ordinary (and boring!)

 

Once you like yourself (and I mean really like yourself, not pretend to), then you'll find that other people like you, too.

[january2011]

I feel like over the years, I have grown this fabricated image of myself. People think that I am much happier, much more outgoing and much more of everything than I really am. Interestingly, I am more of my authentic self on LS than anywhere else. Perhaps that's why I keep coming back.

 

Have you considered that this 'fabricated image' is still 'you'? Just a different facet of your personality?

 

In my opinion, very few of us can be exactly the same person in every single encounter we make. We show different sides of ourselves depending on the company, the situation and our emotional/physical/mental state.

 

I suggest that the persona you've created on here is also just a different facet of your personality. I don't think it is anymore authentic than the personas you use in the offline world. What you probably do here is reveal more of your inner working processes and therefore I think there is this 'illusion of authenticity' because you don't spill your guts, as it were, offline.

 

Based on your thread topics, you've been doing a lot of self-reflection and it's thrown a light on a number of areas in your life where you're unhappy. You're trying to find the answer to, "what's wrong with me?"

 

I agree with EasyHeart about acceptance. I think it's one of the biggest lessons we learn after a break up. After being part of a couple, we have to find our individuality again and say to ourselves, "this is me now and I'm alright with that." It's all part of the break-up recovery process, in my opinion and experience.

 

I agree that it would be helpful to talk to a therapist. Perhaps you do need an outlet in the offline world where you can reveal your inner working processes.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I agree with January that your "fabricated" persona is actually a part of who you really are.

 

But you probably need to make better friends with, and get more comfortable with the other part of you.

 

You are so concerned with being desired - of course, you are going to adopt the behaviors that are most popular among the most people. Like being "happy."

 

And I'm sure that's served you well in some ways. I mean, going whole hog with the dark and empty part of you can usually lead to a very bad outcome. Believe me, I know.

 

At this stage of your life, though, you can (and IMO, should) integrate yourself more.

[fucpcg]

I've had a rough childhood, I've had rough go of relationships in my life. I can be hard, I can have a short fuse, I can be overpowering and intimidating, I can sometimes run from something amazing because of my fear it will just end one day anyway. Am I an *********? No. What I have described above is things that I have developed into for survival over the years. What lies underneath all of this is a guy with a heart 100 times oversized. Who thinks this of me? My sisters, my girl friends, my closest friends in life, plus the people I work together with thru volunteering. If you first start dating me, you will only see the big heart. Date me long enough, you will see the scars. Do the scars define me? NO, not at all, but they are there, and if you point them out when they are affecting me, I will adjust, because I only desire to be a good man. So for me to be successful with a woman, I NEED a STRONG woman, who can understand that life does leave scars on people during the hard times, and not to judge anyone by an isolated event, or events, but who they are deep within their heart. To know me socially, that's easy. To know me for a while, and to be intimate with me, you will see the soul of a truly caring man, but you will see the scars to. I don't try to conform to a social expectation at all, I just try to conform with who I know I am. I don't care about my appearance to the masses, as I don't maintain friendships with numerous people, I am one that spends time with my true friends, the ones I can count on, and vice versa, and outside of that I have no time for acquaintance or convenience type friends.

 

Is there someone out there for me? I suppose, I hope. If that person exists, they will see and embrace all of me, not just one part. In return, I'd do the same. Knowing the whole me, and embracing and falling in love with that, is the person I need in my life, and anything short of that, bye bye. This is why it's important to not waste time and create false image. For someone to love me, they need to see real me from day one, or we are wasting both person's time. I don't want to waste time. I want to be the best me possible, but like everyone, even the best me comes with some scars. I always want to improve, but I need someone who respects me when I slip.

 

"Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly"

Edited April 29, 2012 by fucpcg

[TaraMaiden]

"This above all:

To thine own Self be True

and it must follow, as the night, the day,

Thou canst not then be false, to any man."

 

It has been said by many, "Fake it until you make it" but if you wear a mask, know you wear a mask, and resent wearing that mask - then you simply erode and dull your true Self, because it's what you believe others expect of you.

the important is to acknowledge the part of you which is despondent, down, pessimistic and disheartened, and instead of suppressing it and pretending it's 'not you' - face it, confront it and deal with it.

it's part of the cure to wish to be cured.....

[carhill]

Millions of friends? Hmm...

 

Start the revelation process with one good friend; one who you are proactively there for and who is proactively there for you. Discuss the processes on the rational level, explaining behaviors like you did here in this thread.

 

My exW called the behavior 'masking' and it was something she chose to deal with in therapy prior to when we met. Therapy works for some people. Self-help for others.

 

What do your parents think about this?

[westrock]

I have created a whole life/lifestyle around my fabricated image. I don't know how to go back. I can't let people down that consider me a friend.

 

It's more likely your fear is that you don't want to let yourself down. But, by not living your authentic self, you are letting yourself down.

 

I wish I could have had a courage to live life more in line with my authentic self than this need to be liked and accepted by society.

 

Accepting you have this need, how does one know if they are liked and accepted by society?

 

There is really only one way I know of on how to be "liked and accepted by society"... that is to live your life in line with your authentic self.

 

Living your life in line with your authentic self requires acceptance of who you are. If someone cannot accept you for who you are, then they cannot be a true friend, and their judgment of you speaks more to their insecurities than your own.

[Els]

Well, you seem to know of the direction you really want your life to head in, that you would enjoy more and would be more true to yourself.

 

Then take tiny steps in that direction. Yes, there will be repercussions. Your friends may start asking you out less often if you decline invitations to events you don't enjoy. Only you can decide if that is worth it. I decided that it is, for myself, so I don't have a terribly big network of friends and very rarely get invitations to bars (barring special occasions such as birthdays), but I am very happy with my life and would not change it for the world.

[Star Gazer]

It sounds like you don't like yourself very much. If the person who knows you best -- you! -- don't like yourself, you can't expect other people to like you.

 

To some extent all of us are torn between being ourselves and being the person we want to be. Sometimes that's a good thing, like when it's something we can change (eg, learning a new skill or changing careers). But it can be very destructive when it's something that we have no control over.

 

I think the first step is to get to know yourself and accept yourself for who you are. It's easy to get caught in the trap of thinking you have to be the person that society thinks you should be, but the reality is that lots of us are never going to be "normal" in the sense that the rest of society thinks we should be. That's okay! Not all of us have to be ordinary (and boring!)

 

Once you like yourself (and I mean really like yourself, not pretend to), then you'll find that other people like you, too.

 

I think you just put into words what I've felt deep down inside about ES for years but somehow didn't realize.

[EasyHeart]

I think you just put into words what I've felt deep down inside about ES for years but somehow didn't realize.

I've dated a lot of women like ES. Things made way more sense once I figured this out.

[EasyHeart]

So who wants to make a bet that ES never comes back to this thread?

[TaraMaiden]

I did ask her in another thread whether she understood the term 'Emotional Vampire' but as yet, that comment hasn't been responded to. I think ES may have such tendencies and as such, should perhaps seek counselling.....

[Anela]

So who wants to make a bet that ES never comes back to this thread?

 

I can be bad about that, too, and when it's something like this subject, it's because I feel embarrassed for having said anything at all. I can't speak for her, but that's me. I haven't posted several threads here, or on other boards I visit, because I can anticipate the answers, and I write or at least think it out instead.

 

Although we're very different people, I can relate to ES in ways. I have felt the same way that she talks about here. I keep most people at arm's length, and whilst I really need the interaction, and to just trust, in order to deal with some of my own issues and be able to build trust and deepen some friendships/relationships, I also don't want to assume anything, don't want to be obnoxious and push myself onto people. I feel like a burden, for some people in my life, and don't feel like others should be there to be a prop for me and my issues, walking on eggshells, or trying to cheer me up, or including me because they have to. I was surprised, about a month ago, when a friend of mine told me that she missed me. I'd been arguing so much with two family members, and have been so down for what seems so long, that I have just felt repulsive in both looks and personality.

 

So, maybe I'm an enabler, but I know the times when I need a push, and when I need to just be understood and accepted, you know?