My husband has just left me and the kids

[LostinEmotion]

I am just now going through what so many of you seem to have already went through. About 3 years ago, I ran into a friend of mine that I had known since middle school (we're both 32 now). Her husband had cheated on her and came & told her that he wanted a divorce and she was devastated. I took her in and helped her through it, me & my HUSBAND both helped her through it. She didn't live with us, but her & her son stayed at our house all of the time & went everywhere with us. I got tired of her being around all of the time, but I was always a firm believer in not kicking a dog when it's down, so I let her keep hanging around.

 

Well, about a year after she started hanging around, she started messing around with about every guy that was unattached that came to our house. I didn't really care for that, but she was single & so were they & I just didn't care as long as none of the children were around or privy to any of it. By the way, my husband & I have 3 children of our own 9, 7 & 3. She kept on and then I started to realize that I had let her in the door too long, because I could tell that there was something going on between her & my husband. Common sense said to get rid of her, but I also knew that if I did I would never catch them or it might take longer. I even helped get this woman a good paying job where I worked (she's gone now).

 

The bottom line is that they were having an affair for about 6 to 8 months and I just caught them the Friday before Memorial Day weekend this year. I was petrified of losing him and my stability, so I asked him to stay & work things out & he told me that he wanted to work it out but he didn't know if he could. He told me that he thinks he is in love with that trash. I couldn't believe that he could be that wrapped up in someone he knew was such a whore, and who had come into mine & my kids lives and used us to basically get to him. She wanted him to leave his wife & 3 kids for her. She had already been done this way herself, but not by a best friend. I could not believe that another mother could be that heartless and cruel and put my children through this. Anyway, me and him have tried to get some semblence of normalcy back into our lives the last 3 weeks and he kept telling me that he didn't know if he could ever get over the feelings he had for her entirely, but he wanted us to work out. Then last Thursday night, I found his phone and saw where they had been talking at 4:30 and 5:30 Tuesday morning. I confronted him & he just kept saying that he loves me, he knows he does & he doesn't want to lose his family, but he loves her too and he can't let her go.

 

Part of me wanted to tell him to just do whatever, but stay with me and the children, but I didn't. I told him that he needed to leave until he knew what he really wanted. He says that he's in love with her, but I don't know if it's that or if I just caught the affair when it was so red hot that his head is still twisted from the new sex he was getting. I told him that he can't come home unless he can tell me that he loves me, he's done with her and that he wants to be with us. I wasn't really prepared to make that ultimatum, but I felt like I had no choice. He didn't want to leave and I didn't want him too, but I felt like that was the only choice left. People keep saying, give him a few weeks of having no money and really missing his life and he'll be back, but I don't know that at all. I feel like I have to find a way to accept he's gone & it's over, because whether he's really in love w/her or not, he thinks he is, and I don't know how to combat that. I guess it will boil down to who he misses the most, her and a chance with her, or me & the kids and his lifestyle. He didn't go to be with her right away, which really surprised me, he went to some friends house and said that he doesn't intend to call her yet, because he doesn't need anything influencing the decisions he makes, but he has to have dealings w/me because of the kids. I have never been alone, me and him have been together for 11 years. I felt like I was going completely crazy this weekend. I still can't believe that he is throwing his family away for that tramp. I am shocked. No offense to anyone, but I could believe the messing around, he's a guy & that seems to happen a lot, but I couldn't believe & can't get over the emotions he has for her. I was floored. And the bad thing for him is that she's like a cat w/9 lives, she's already been on a few dates and been out clubing, it doesn't really seem to have phased her, so if his feelings for her are real, hers aren't real for anybody but herself. He's going to throw his whole life away on somebody that will probably be cheating on him as soon as someone "better" comes along, and he knows how she is & still can't deal with it.

 

Why do so many people keep telling me that he'll come back around after a few weeks?

 

Why can't I believe that?

 

Why am I so certain that he's going to throw me & the kids away for her?

 

I used to be so strong, and if anyone told me that I would have put up with this and that I'd consider taking him back, I'd have said that they were crazy, but all the years we have, the kids, and money issues made me take a different look at separation and divorce. Was I stupid to tell him to leave? Is there a chance that he really will stay away and figure out that it's just too much to lose and want to come home? Or will he go try to be with her and see how it works?

 

I know I should try to get my mind set right, but should I try to go on with my life and try to get some sanity back, or should I put my life on hold and see if this idiot ever gets his stuff together?

 

Please help,

Lost In Emotion

[HokeyReligions]

Don't put your life on hold. Go after whatever assets and support you can get from him. I don't know if you can, but I'd talk to a lawyer about attaching any assets that other woman has as well. Some legal-eagle should be able to come up with some law and precedent for that. After all, YOU helped her and she should pay you back for the room and board and emotional & financial support you provided to her.

 

I am so sorry you are hurting and I understand the thing about letting him come back. He is your comfort zone. I'm getting stressed a bit at home right now too because I'm trying to help my husband move out, but financially neither of us can afford it and it scares me that I will no longer be able to rely on him to run errands or take out the trash or anything else, but I KNOW that it must happen for my own sake. The same with you. We will get through our periods of adjustment and find or make new and better comfort zones for ourselves.

 

You have to take care of yourself and your children and if that means that you go after HIM for money, then so be it. YOU are in control. Don't give his rotten as$ the choice now---He made his choice a long time ago. If, when that OW was staying with you your husband began to have feelings for her, he should have told you that he wanted her to get out of the house right then, and removed all temptation. He CHOSE not to do the decent thing and you and your children are the victims.

 

Talk to an attorney now and maybe even some counseling if you need it to help you cope through the initial phases of this.

[Matilda]

Let me see if I've got this right, your husband does want to try and stay with you, but he thinks he's still in love with the other woman?

 

I always think that if there are kids involved, and there might be a chance of things working out, you should try. But, sometimes divorce is best for everyone, kids included.

 

Do you think he will go to counseling with you, and really try to make your marriage work again? Or, is it too soon to tell?

[LostinEmotion]

So, don't you think it would be a little premature to go get a lawyer and file for divorce. He's giving me about all of his paycheck now, and spending as much time with the kids as he can. There is no arguing about any of that at the moment. He keeps telling me that he loves me, but he loves her too. He told me that he had to see if the burn for me is the same as the burn for her, and if it's not, even if he doesn't go try to be w/her, it's not fair to come back to me. He says that he's a "piece of s---" and I deserve better. I know he's right, but I can't help thinking about the scary nature of being alone and of trying to raise my 3 kids alone. It's also a financial issue with us. He'll have to pay me a lot because I have to keep up the home with them in it, but I still care about him and he's not going to have anything to live on. That's what he chose when he chose to screw around on me and leave his family, and maybe he's just giving me false hope. He really seems like he's completely confused. He messed around with someone and fell in love or lust, or whatever it is w/her, but he loves me & I'm his comfort zone. Am I just kidding myself that he might actually stay away for a while & then realize that he's throwing away his life & try to come back? I'm feeling stupid & weak, because at this point, I'm ready to give him his space and see if there's anything worth working out between us, but I don't know if that's the right answer right now either. I know that I never knew how desparate the day to day of being alone, going to be alone, waking up alone, and just watching tv alone was. That's how I feel right now, desparate, alone, scared, stupid, and tired. I feel so tired it's all I can do to get up & function in the morning.

[LostinEmotion]

I don't think he'd go to any kind of counseling. We have very long, very in depth talks about what each of us is feeling. A lot of the things we say, are not said in anger, so they're not being mean, but in being honest with each other, some of the comments hurt. This is still pretty fresh, but I guess what I'm still trying to figure out is if he feels the way about her that I'm feeling for him. I love him that way. If that's the way he loves her, then I don't think there's room for me, but at the same time, he says he loves me that way too. He keeps saying that he's got to try to work it out in his head & see if what he needs is us or her. I was really really surprised that he actually didn't go to live with her when I told him I couldn't keep living this way. He had nobody, but he found a guy at work that knew someone who would let him stay with them. That was a complete surprise. I really thought he'd make a beeline to her. I guess it's giving me false hope that he might really want to come home at some point. I keep hearing people say that I should try to get out & date & let it go through his mind that at some point I won't give him any time and someone else will be home with his children instead of him. That theory sounds good, except this is 2 new & fresh & I'm not really interested in dating someone else right now and I also don't want to drag someone else into this crap. That wouldn't really be fair to them. I know that nobody can tell me what to do, I'm just trying to figure out if I'm wasting my time & emotion trying to reconcile at some point with someone that really doesn't want me. I'm going crazy!

[Yikes]

That is just terrible, I know, I have been there.

 

My wife and my best friend had a three year affair before I found a letter outlining what they were up to. They had been secretly meeting behind my back. She asked for a second chance and she got it, mainly because of the kids. I had to know that I did everything possible to save the marriage for their sake. Long story short... the new start did not work, she went back to her old tricks, evidently I was nothing more than a paycheck and good cover to keep suspicion down to everyone else.

 

I pulled the plug on the relationship a year ago. Each of us moved into our own homes last fall. My ex is still seeing him (he is still with his wife) as well as someone else off and on.

 

My question to you is "do you really want a guy like that back"? There are slip-ups, maybe a one time thing after a few too many or something then there are patterns of behaviour. There is an old saying once a cheater always a cheater and I believe it is quite often the case. In hind sight, maybe I should have ended things right away, although I am carrying next to no guilt, I know in my heart that I did everything I could to be trusting and make things work. It wasn't meant to be I guess.

 

After going through what I have been through, one thing I can say for certain is unless BOTH of you are focusing 100 percent on fixing things without any distractions from the other person, then it's already over. Sorry to tell you but may get get worse before it gets better - but it WILL get better. I'm still trying to put everything behind me.

 

Good luck.

[LostinEmotion]

Thank you for the well wishing. I thought we were both committed to working it out, but that's when it got worse & he said that he can't say he doesn't want me & the kids because he loves me, but he thinks he's in love with her, and I think that you're probably right. It is over. We've been together 11 years and he's never given me a hint that he's capable of this. She was there all the time and he's always had low self-esteem & she just kept on at him til she landed him. The bad thing is that she'll take him for a while til something better comes along, because she doesn't like being alone, but I don't think she really wants him. She's pretty much stayed out of the picture since I found out. She quit her job here (that I got her) and except for a couple of times when he called her, she hasn't really been talking to him. I think it's a lot more one sided. He may have fallen head over hills for her, but she's too selfish & sorry to really care about anybody else. He's also selfish & self-centered, so I guess if he & I aren't going to ever reconcile, he'll try it with her. I guess I can at least wait because I know their personalities all too well, and on that end, I would say that there's not a chance in h---, that they'll make a long-term relationship work. I guess that I'll get the satisfaction of seeing them being outed to everyone they know and see them work on something that was never workable in the first place. It's a cold comfort, but at least I know that they'll both get what they deserve in the end. It's just too bad that my kids aren't going to get what they deserve out of this.

[brashgal]

You did the right thing but I agree, having been there, it isn't a good story for anyone involved. I was in a similar situation last summer when I kicked my ex out - his married girlfriend had just filed for divorce from her husband after 20 years and 3 kids ages 8-13. It's almost a year later and my ex moved in with her this month after being in an apt. Not sure if it's true love or he has nowhere else to go, I know how much he hates apartment living and he can't afford to get his own house. My oldest is still disgusted with both of them, my youngest (2nd grade) loves having the additional pseudo-siblings plus he spends more time with Dad than he did when Dad lived with him. So it's a mixed blessing.

 

Hang in there and my condolences and best wishes. You may still be able to work things out, it's just sad that it had to happen the way it did.