July Wedding IS OFF - The 7 month pregnant secret delivered the NY Times yesterday

[SingleInTheCity]

I've been sitting in the same spot since about 10AM yesterday looking at my wedding gown and my completely renovated, newly furnished brownstone wondering WHERE THE HELL I've been for the past 7 months. I mean did I see it coming - NO I didn't so WTF - somebody slap me and tell me that my life didn't just get turned upside down less than a month before my wedding? I mean, I am so glad that I knew BEFORE I said I do but I wish I would have known before I put these floors in, new tile, doors, windows and on and on. Right now I wish I had a "panic room" so I could lock myself away from my exfiance's voice at the other side of the door - begging me to come out, open the door, talk to him. I really want him to stop talking, but he hasn't since about 12PM yesterday. I don't know if I've slept, I don't think so all I know is this man that I love so much was cheating on me and has impregnanted someone else and he didn't even consider telling me. I have to laugh because this is so surreal to me.

 

So what the hell am I talking about well I came home from San Francisco on Friday (I am bi-coastal) and we spent an amazing Friday evening doing dinner, theater just touristy NY things because in the next few weeks we are having a slew of brunches, dinners, guests and it's really our last weekend together ALONE before we get married. Saturday morning was crazy because our furniture was delivered at 7:30AM and we spent most of the day getting everything arranged, hung and rearranged. We met my best friend for cocktails and then stopped at a friend's warehouse to check on a mirror he's designed for us for our master bedroom. I ran to the store to grab some odds and ends stuff and as I was walking back home I accidentally bumped into this woman who seemed to have appeared out of nowhere - I only remembered her because she was pregnant and she stared at me for a long time after I apologized for bumping into her - well hell I'm from California, we're just naturally polite, but I wasn't sure if she didn't understand english - at any rate, she kind of stood there staring at me for a moment so I asked her if she was alright and she said yes and she looked at me like shocked and then turned her head and walked away. I thought it was strange but didn't feel it was worth mentioning to my fiance who arrived home about an hour later.

 

Sunday mornings when we are blessed to share the same bedroom I make a huge Southern breakfast and we read the NY TImes & LA Times together - when I stepped out the front to grab the times that same pregnant lady was at my door with it in her hands. She had that same look of confusion on her face and she said "I had to see what you looked like" - I was thrown but unbelievable calm and asked her to explain what she meant - she said he always said that you were beautiful but I just had to see you for myself. And then she referred to my soon to be husband by a nickname that his grandmother used to call him and said I have loved him for 5 years and have taken care of him as you have traveled here and there and you're the bitch he chooses to marry despite the fact that I am carrying his baby. She said I wanted to tell you when we found out but he has said all along that he will never marry me and so I refused to have an abortion - I will always be apart of your lives because I will be the mother of his first child. She asked me how my chemotheraphy had gone and if our apartment in the village hold sold now that we changed the living room paint. I mean this woman had details.

 

By this time, my fiance is coming back from his run and I look at him and he immediaely asks her how she got to the Village - she starts crying and I'm standing there still shocked. I don't know how much time passed before I just turned and walked into the house and closed the door. She's still ranting and raving at this point and has forced herself into our home. She plops this photo album on the table as he's telling me that she's a friend of the family who is a little crazy and he reaches for the photo album and I look at him. And it just got quiet - and I opened it up and started turning pages and I see the love of my life at his family functions with his arm around this girl - dated 3 years ago. I see pictures of them in Jamaica and skiing at Whisler and even eating at my favorite Thai restaurant with some of our "couple" friends. I see pictures of her at MY not our but MY apartment in the village hosting cocktail parties for his friends and/or clients. In one of the pictures she's wearning a dress of mine. The last few pictures are of her in my brownstone while the contractors are doing work and I just couldn't bring myself to say a word. I just stood there trying to figure out WHERE THE HELL I HAD BEEN. I never opened my mouth, I just walked upstairs and locked myself in our bedroom and sat in my chair and looked at my wedding dress that had arrived while I was gone. I feel empty not angry or sad. I feel completely empty.

 

I heard them downstairs arguing for a couple of hours but then it got quiet and then he spent the rest of the night and today on the other side of the door trying to explain something to me through the door but I can't even make out a word he was saying. I just remember the knocking. I have a mood disorder and depression and the reason I am typing is because I can't peel myself off the chair and get out of my house by myself right now, I have no energy and I'm feeling a bit dazed. Thank GOD for 2-way pagers, the best friend I had cocktails with on Saturday is flying back to get me out of here but in the mean time I have to tune him out and get some energy to pack up my clothes.

 

I know if I don't open the door or say something soon he's going to kick open the door or call 911 or something dramatic and ignorant- because he's crazy, not literally but you know what I mean. I don't want to look at him or hear his voice anymore well hell EVERY- I want to get my stuff and go to California - I'm not ttrying to figure out what to do here - I'm done with him, our wedding/engagement/relationship is over - there is NO get back after that episode of Days of Our Lives. But I do need to figure out how to handle the distribution of our assets and cancellation of our wedding and all of that when I am away from him.

 

I"m just shocked - it's ironic how **** happens isn't it. I don't know why I haen't cried yet, it's only been 24 hours so who knows what emotions come next. Right now I just need words of encouragement that will help me find some energy to pack up all the stuff I just unpacked. Any takers?

[keepsane]

You need to go into auto-pilot and just start packing everything up. You're friend will help you, but until she reaches you. Just concentrate on getting things together, until you are with someone you trust. Make sure you tell your fiance that you are not going to do anything drastic, but that you are waiting for your friend. Please keep it together, numb is not a bad thing right now.

[tiki]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Call a friend that you trust, call family if they're close. Let them help you pack your things and move. They will understand. I wish I could say more. I'm just speechless. Good luck.

[moimeme]

What a horrible story! I am SO sorry!!!

 

Write '**** off and die' on a sheet of paper and slide it under the door to him. Then get mad. Anger will fuel your energy to pack.

 

I'm glad your friend is going go go rescue you. Sounds like a very good friend and I'm sure you'll be well taken care of. And, hey, if you haven't packed by the time your friend gets there, you'll have help.

 

You haven't cried because you're still out of breath from a direct blow to the gut. It's shock.

 

I'm sorry this wretched, rotten thing has happened to you. You know you'll get over it, eventually. It's just you'll have some junk to have to go through for the next while. Keep posting when you need to vent.

[SingleInTheCity]

Moi & Tiki - thanks for your responses - All of my friends are coming back from Paris so he's going to have a house full of my best friends/business partners by the end of the day.

 

I took your advice Moi and I wrote a note and slipped it under the door - he stopped knocking and went downstairs - thank god for hardwood floors.

 

For some reason I don't feel a need to cry - I think somwhere down deep I may have suspected. But thanks I'm glad to know that if I can't get someone on the phone that I can let my fingers do the walking and someone will reach back.

[CurlyIam]

She did this on purpose. She is enjoying seeing you crushed. Just get out of there as soon as possible. Then have closure. It is very important to listen for what he has to say. All his arguments, his pleas, his justifications...

 

For there is no reason on Earth he could have done this... I would need to hear him speak to realise it.

 

Find the force to sell everything and don't even think about making 50% the expenses! My heart goes out to you.

[SingleInTheCity]

Curly - You're right she did do this on purpose but you know what I have been laughing at? The fact that I gave no expression at all. They were erratic and emotional and talking over one another . he was trying to put her out and she was yelling I love you to him and he was yelling I love you to me and I just quietly went upstairs to my room and closed and locked the door. I plan to emerge - cool, calm and collected - fully dressed and packed and will walk out the door with my friends in front on the side and behind me.

 

I have no interest in listening to him explain a single thing - as I have said I don't want to hear his voice ever again. I just changed my cell phone number and when California wakes up I'll change those numbers as well. I am keeping the Harry Winston engagement ring because I picked it and I like it. As for the property - it will be divided according to how it was purchased and I intend to have my attorney coordinate all of those efforts. I don't have a problem with writing him off - it's going to hurt but he'll never know it. That's sweet revenge enough for me.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by SingleInTheCity

I see pictures of them in Jamaica and skiing at Whisler and even eating at my favorite Thai restaurant with some of our "couple" friends. I see pictures of her at MY not our but MY apartment in the village hosting cocktail parties for his friends and/or clients. In one of the pictures she's wearning a dress of mine. The last few pictures are of her in my brownstone while the contractors are doing work and I just couldn't bring myself to say a word.

 

This is worse than anything else to me. This is a major slap in the face.

 

So what's the deal? He wants to marry you for the lifestyle you bring with you but keep her on the side? She's not good enough for him to marry but he'll keep her as his side woman? It doesn't sound like he ever intended to end it with her. And he so blatantly cheated on you. He seems to have no conscience at all. Right in your own place? She wore YOUR clothes?? Sounds like they're both low-class scum and deserve each other.

 

I feel so bad for you, but maybe it's better you found out now instead of after the wedding.

[moimeme]

I plan to emerge - cool, calm and collected - fully dressed and packed and will walk out the door with my friends in front on the side and behind me.

 

Ahhhh yes! Cold fury. Surely, if you can manage it, the most satisfying response to such a hateful situation.

 

Come to think of it, you may never mourn. I was in a situation once where I realized that the person I cared about was dishonest (suspected it for quite a while but had it proved). Interesting how love can evaporate when you realize that the person you loved never really existed. If you love a man you believe is honest and decent, and he turns out to be the sort of person who can deceive you to that extent, you understand there wasn't an honest man in your life in the first place.

 

Where were you, you ask? You were in that place we all hope to dwell - where you can believe in the person you love with all your heart. You've been forcefully evicted as so many of us have been.

 

Don't give up; don't get bitter. There are good, decent, honest men out there. It can just be a hell of a chore, sometimes, to find one

 

Good luck today! Sweep past him with your head held high. He's slime and doesn't deserve any sadness or mourning.

[CurlyIam]

You are a wise woman. I think I would have kicked her out and thrown all I could get my hands on into his head. You must be one strong woman to be doing this - not displaying any feeling. It will eat them both inside, if this is any consolation...

 

Its good you'll have your friends near to support you.

 

I simply cannot imagine him intorducing her to "common friends". or business partners... This is so sick, disgusting!! He actually was thinking of getting away with it? Gosh, Single, I'm afraid you'll need to thank her for telling you before and not after! or never!

 

I am vengefull, I'd try to ripp the son of a bast*rd off, but I say do whatever makes you content and happy!

[brashgal]

Wow. Pretty upsetting that your "couple" friends stood by - wonder who they thought she was and why one of them didn't have the guts to say something to you.

 

You're still in shock, you'll be angry and upset soon, take good care of yourself in the meantime. My heart goes out to you.

[lovenlearn]

You sound like an incredibly strong, intelligent woman. He is going to spend the rest of his life wishing for a scoobie-doo finish.

 

I'm glad you have a strong support system to help you get to a safe place where you can give in to all of the emotion.

 

Please post an update when you can from California.

 

Good luck to you!

[Debster]

Based on your post you seem like a strong woman with high self-esteem.

You will get through it, of this I have no doubt. The good thing is that you found out about this guy before you married him.

 

I wish you all the best.

[princess rose]

Hey Single:

 

You do sound like a strong woman. I agree with FreeMe, that both of these characters are scum and deserve each other. While he's dealing with the aftermath of the mess he made, you'll be in sunny California with your friends and people who really love you.

[SingleInTheCity]

UPDATE - So my best friend arrived from California by the time she got to me I had all of my clothes packed up and my shoes were in the trunks. When she arrived he caught her at the door and said she needs to know that I never cheated on her - he said that girl was an associate in our firm (he owns an artist management firm) and and old friend from his neighborhood (which most of the partners in the firm are). He says she's had a crush on me for years and has pursued me for years but it's always been about me. He said one night after attending a cocktail party at my house everyone got drunk and we all passed out, he said when he woke up he was in bed (naked) and she was coming out of the shower. He said she said she leaned over kissed him and said that she always thought about how passionate he would be but never dreamed it was that good. And she left. After that, every event they had, she made sure to attend and always made sure to take a pictures with him. He said he doesn't think they had sex that night and to he's never been unfaithful with her or anyone else since he has been with me. He said that he petitioned the courts for a paternity test PRIOR to the birth of this baby and the amniosynthesis is inconclusive which means that paternity can not be established until after the baby is born. He gave my friend the court paperwork and he begged her to tell me all of this and of course she did. She looked at me and siad that she believed him and asked me if I had called any of our "couple" friends to find out the scoop. I just wanted to get out of the house and can't digest all of this. It's way to close for comfort. I got dressed and my other 3 friends arrived - by the time I walked downstairs with my stuff he was crying and begging me to talk to him - he said please don't cancel the wedding - I didn't cheat on you. I turned and looked at him and I said - I will be in contact with you in a few days and I walked out the door. I'm at my home in San Francisco now and it's quiet and I've spent the evening writing. My friends believe him - and they don't have tolerance for drama but he's proven himself a man of convictions and they think that I should speak with him and not postpone the wedding. My fiance has never lied to me, has been completely open with me about everything. I have never questioned his integrity or checked his pockets, phone anything - I have trusted him wholeheartedly this was a complete and utter shock.

 

I have prayed for insight but am too numb to hear the answer. I love my fiance - he is the ying to my yang - we are the best of friends, respectful of one another and completely in love - I don't want to be stupid and allow love to cloud my vision but I don't want to lose a good man. What do you think?

[dasani08810]

Ok, here's what I think:

 

If YOU believe him, go on as planned. However, you both seem to be somewhat better off financially speaking; I would have some kind of an agreement to an outcome of the paternity test. Whatever that agreement is, would be up to you. But, again, if YOU believe him, then go for it. (I stress YOU because it's not your friends that are marrying him, know what I mean?)

 

You obviously think he's worth the benifit of doubt; but, maintain enough doubt that you don't get hurt financially if this baby turns out to be his after all. I would propose an agreement that says something along the lines of "if it's your baby, I get an instant unchallanged annullment".

 

The only reason I suggest that is that it's too close to the wedding to really sort out feelings of this magnatude. If you don't want to put off the wedding, then don't. But if he did lie about this, then the outcome is on him. If he didn't, you two will laugh your way together into your old age.

 

Good luck!

[NatoPMT]

Hi Single

 

I truly hope that your fiance is the man of conviction he has always seemed to be, my concern for you is that he has omitted to tell you about this huge situation developing in his life while you have been arranging your wedding. He clearly has support to his side to these events in the documentation and i hope that his worst behaviour is misguidedly trying to protect you from this woman who seems to have been maliciously attempting to sabotage his happiness with you.

 

Has he explained why he hasnt bought this to your attention before she turns up on your doorstep?

 

The times when you werent at your apartment and she was, having these snapshots taken, what was your couple friends impression of their relationship?

 

I would take some time, right now, to investigate further. Kick off autopilot and take control back from this woman. If her allegations are untruths, she is harassing you and your fiance and she needs professional help.

 

In terms of whether you should go ahead with the wedding, my inclination would be to postpone, rather than cancel - purely for the reason that you may not get definitive answers within the next few days and your wedding day should not be blighted by feelings of uncertainty.

 

Hoping it works out for you, BB

[Debster]

I mean this woman had details.

 

If what your fiance said is true - he needs to be able to answer ALL of your questions and you need to do your research. Why did she have so many details of your life? If she was the stalker-type - which it sounds to me that he is claiming - than why would he be telling her about your life? Analyze the pictures to see if they connect with what he is telling you. Talk to your couple friends.

 

While your friends may have your best interests at heart, this is YOUR decision and YOUR life. Only do what you feel comfortable doing. Trust your gut.

 

Good luck.

[FreeMe]

Reread your first post and all the things she told you, everything you saw in those pictures. Does he habitually let "associates" wear your clothing? I think he's trying to wiggle out of this. Would an "associate" be at every single function and even on trips? And why would he NEVER have mentioned that an "old friend from his neighborhood" happened to be an associate?

 

Also, have you ever known him to black out when drinking and not remember things? That rarely happens just once. If you're prone to blackouts (I am actually) then you generally will have them more than once.

 

Just because he got a paternity test doesn't mean he wasn't having an affair with her. He may have suspected her or known of her sleeping with others and didn't want her coming after him once he was with you.

 

What a difficult decision you've got. I'm so sorry.

[CurlyIam]

Do not go ahead with the weading. Take the time to find out the truth... Imagine, you'd make a total full out of yourself and get badly hurt to misplace your trust right now!

 

I say "think about it long and hard!" And take only logical plausible explination - like... what was your bf doing holding her, her in your dress, her in your appartment if she was a stalker! I know you badly want to believe him - you're in denial, I think.

 

But things do Not add up! Be extra carefull !

[moimeme]

It all sounds bogus to me. I agree that if this had been happening, he should have told you at some point. She was wearing your dress? Photos with friends? It all smells very smarmy to me, especially, particularly that he never told you she was like this. Nope. I don't believe this story. I would query everyone you remember was in those photos.

[NatoPMT]

I reread the original post & I think hes lying too. I didnt see that she was wearing one of your dress's, and i assume that the brownstone renovation is very very recent - hes still letting her on your property while he says shes claiming false paternity? there's lots and lots that just wont stack up.

 

And i do not understand why he wouldnt tell you this stalking was going on if its geniunely stalking rather than an affair, plus the fact he knows all your friends and noone has mentioned her to you, let alone him, a supposed family friend.

 

take care of yourself, BB

[amerikajin]

If it were me in your shoes, I wouldn't write him off just yet but I would definitely postpone the wedding. There are simply too many questions that have to be answered -- even if it isn't his baby, he still has some explaining to do.

 

Okay, let's play love detective and try and sort this all out.

 

First of all, this woman....she might be nothing more than just plain f'ing nuts. I once found myself in a situation with some parallels when I was dating my ex-fiance a few years ago. No, I didn't knock anyone up and I really did try to avoid this chick, but she was persistent. She kept writing me emails and she even called me once when my fiance was over for a visit. Made things really awkward for me after that. I didn't hide stuff from my fiance although there were times when she wasn't convinced of that. She did finally go away but it took a while. My point is, some people are obsessive and can fall dangerously in love with someone else. It's not an everyday occurrence, but it does happen.

 

I guess the question is, if this girl is nuts, just how nuts could she be? Is she nutty enough to follow him around? Was she really wearing your dress or did she go out and buy a dress like the one you have, knowing that you have the same dress? Was she all along setting him up? Is she that nutty? That's what I would try to find out. To answer that question you'll have to do some research on her, and you'll need more than just his testimony.

 

Even if she is nuts, though, something else bothers me about your man. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I would still demand to know why he didn't tell you about this loon. It represents terrible judgment and, to a lesser extent, a form of dishonesty by keeping you in the dark like this. He should have known that this was a potential issue and headed this off at the pass. It's possible that he thought he could just handle it and not jeopardize your relationship by bringing it up for discussion. If that were the case it wouldn't be the worst offense in the world, but it would still make me question his judgment.

 

Of course...the other possibility is that it could well be exactly what it appears to be. He could be a lying sack of crap. It could be that she was indeed wearing your dress. It could be that she was indeed eating at your favorite Thai restaurant on a dinner date. It could be indeed that she is carrying his child. Maybe one final question I should ask is, have you ever known your man to be stupid? Because it would take a stupid person to believe that he could just ignore the mother of his child and that you wouldn't at some point find out about it.

 

Lots of questions without answers, I'm afraid. I would definitely postpone the wedding and get to the bottom of it before getting married. If he loves you, he'll understand.

[einahpets]

i really think that only time will tell. maybe you would feel more comfortable telling family/friends that the wedding is postponed (due to the fact you need more time for planning etc.)until you have your feelings sorted out. i think he is a rat, but i don't know him you do. maybe she is a crazy lady (but what about the dress!!!!?) and he made a reeealllly bad decision by not telling you. i am thinking that if it is the type of relationship that is destined for marriage, that he would have come to you about the crazy lady situation if it were true. what ever happens, keep us posted. i have been thinking about your situation, and i hope you are ok. good luck!

[amerikajin]

I see pictures of them in Jamaica and skiing at Whisler and even eating at my favorite Thai restaurant with some of our "couple" friends. I see pictures of her at MY not our but MY apartment in the village hosting cocktail parties for his friends and/or clients. In one of the pictures she's wearning a dress of mine. The last few pictures are of her in my brownstone while the contractors are doing work and I just couldn't bring myself to say a word. I just stood there trying to figure out WHERE THE HELL I HAD BEEN.

 

I had to re-read this.

 

This is the part that I can't get past. Where were you? Why didn't he at any time tell you about this?

 

Wanna know my gut feeling?

 

Your fiance is a con-artist. He's even conning your friends.