Cheated or not?

[unreal]

I dated this girl for 2 1/2 years while in high school and early college. We were both our first love. My ex wanted to marry me but I wasn't ready at the time and was immature. Once in college, I partied quite a bit and wasn't the best bf to her. Never cheated on her, but took her for granted alot of the time. She ended up leaving me and moving on. Within the next TWO MONTHS she was already engaged to be married another man and did marry him later. Six years went by with no contact or anything until my mother ran into her at the mall. They talked about old times and planned a get together dinner at a later time. My mother told me about it, so I gave her an apology letter to give to her when they met for dinner. Within two days my ex contacted me back and told me that she loved me and always has loved me and was leaving her husband to come back to me again.

 

I was soo happy, she had felt like I had all of these years. I missed her and loved her everyday we were apart those six years. Nothing could have been better. But as soon as we got back together, she started wanting me to move in with her and marry her. She moved half way between her work and me to be closer. I avoided that issue because I wanted to rekindle our love from years before and make sure it was right before I moved over there and asked for marriage. We had a distance factor from one another and worked, lived in different towns. I worked dayshift and she worked nightshift through the week. We seen each other on weekends. After awhile together, I had financial difficulties, and problems with my parents divorce I was dealing with and other things going on in my life. So, we made our relationship to one year and I hadn't moved in with her yet. We had made plans on moving away together this summer once my finances got back to where I needed them. However, out of the blue she wants to go out with some friends one friday night. It was all downhill from there. I didn't get to see her the rest of the weekend because she was sick and didn't want me to come over and get her cold, so I stayed away. She started acting distant and strange when talking to me on the phone. She even flipped out over trivial things. The following weekend she comes over to my house. I ask what is wrong and if I had done something I didn't know about that was bad. She starts crying and gets angry because I'm asking what is wrong. She then tells me that she isn't happy but doesn't know why? She thinks of leaving me for over 3 hours before she decides that she is acting stupid and that she doesn't want to leave and loves me. She actually made up arguments that never happened between us. But the problems she did have, I was willing to work on and change. Which I did.

 

The following weekend she goes out of town to see her friend from college(girl). So I don't see her other than for lunch before she leaves. I ask her for the phone number to her friends parents house in case I need to call her. She tells me that she can't remember it and for me to just call the cellphone of hers. I thought that was weird. Not to mention she never invited me to go with her. But I never said anything. The next week she tells me that she has to work on a friday which is odd. She tells me that her workplace has told everyone to limit incoming personal calls at the hospital. She then says that she will working ER that night and that she probably won't be able to call me like she normally does, but she will call me saturday morning. I get on the internet around 10:20 to 10:30 that friday night, but other than that the phone was free. I get no call. The following morning she calls around 9:30am and wants me to come over and says she is on her way back from work and the gym. I ask if she tried calling me because I was on the internet around 10pm. She says, yes I tried calling right then around 10:00-10:05pm and it was busy. I tell her that I wasn't online until 10:20pm. She gets puzzled and says, maybe your dad was on the phone(which he wasn't). I get off the phone and I talk to my mother after that on the phone for about 30 minutes. I hang up and my ex calls again wondering when I'm leaving. I tell her that I will shower and be over. It is about a 35 minute drive to her house. But I'm out of there in 15 minutes and on my way. While I'm on my way over, she apparently calls my house again wondering if I've left and leaves a message and for me to call her before I leave. But I'm already gone. When I get there she never brings up anything about why she called and left the last message on the machine(at that point I didn't know she had called again because I had already left). But when I get there she is changing the mattress cover and sheets on her bed. And while she is in the bathroom, I look over and find an unrolled condom laying on her dresser. I pick it up, there is no sperm in it, but it has the form like it was on something before. I question her and she denies someone else. She says that she accidentally opened one when cleaning out her dresser and was trying to rip them apart to put back in the box. Then she said that it was unrolled because she was just playing with it and stretching it like a rubberband.

 

This is from the same girl who wanted to marry me and for me to move in with her as little as 3 weeks before. Yet in those final few weeks her feelings changed, didn't want me to move in with her anymore or anything. Didn't want me to go to her gym and made every excuse in the book to keep me from there. After finding the condom, I told her something wasn't right. She was acting funny for weeks, wouldn't let me move in with her like she wanted before, is always out of town now, doesn't want me to go to her gym to work out or look around and wanting to be with friends and now the condom. She denied everything and said there was no one else, but just didn't know how she felt about us anymore. Yet, she is still in love with me she thinks. After period of two weeks of no contact so she could think of what is wrong between us and what she wants, she breaks up with me. But she doesn't know why there is a problem or what it is or anything, just needs freedom and independence to be on her own. During those two weeks she said we would get back together. I sent her cards, flowers(twice), letter, cd with a song I had written for her years ago and composed on a cd. I wanted to work on things between us and was willing to do whatever I could to keep us together. I even offered to go to relationship counciling and help pay for it. I bought an engagement ring, but had to return it. Went to her house for some closure and to find out what happened a week later(yesterday). She has already moved away and the house is empty. Neighbor said she moved closer to work so she didn't have to drive so far. Doesn't know where she is or anything. This is crazy!

 

What do you people think?

[DazednConfused]

Hi Unreal,

 

This woman has some real emotional issues going on. I think she is back with the ex-husband, (at least periodically). If not him, then there is almost definately someone, perhaps from the gym that she doesn't want you in anymore? I think the very fact that you realize that "something is not right" is your best instinct.

 

You don't want to hear this, because you are in love with her, and are confused as hell, but if she wants space, give it to her. Nobody wants to be hounded by a lovesick puppy for very long; it stops being cute very quickly. She will never respect you if you chase her like this. Leave her alone and go back to the things you enjoy, live your life and see what happens. You did not marry her, nor even move in with her. You are free to date or whatever you choose to do. Get on with your life and if she is the woman you are meant to be with, she will come around. If not, then you haven't wasted precious time waiting around. I am willing to bet that you will find someone far better if you just give it a chance.

 

Good luck to you!

[unreal]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

Hi Unreal,

 

This woman has some real emotional issues going on. I think she is back with the ex-husband, (at least periodically). If not him, then there is almost definately someone, perhaps from the gym that she doesn't want you in anymore? I think the very fact that you realize that "something is not right" is your best instinct.

 

You don't want to hear this, because you are in love with her, and are confused as hell, but if she wants space, give it to her. Nobody wants to be hounded by a lovesick puppy for very long; it stops being cute very quickly. She will never respect you if you chase her like this. Leave her alone and go back to the things you enjoy, live your life and see what happens. You did not marry her, nor even move in with her. You are free to date or whatever you choose to do. Get on with your life and if she is the woman you are meant to be with, she will come around. If not, then you haven't wasted precious time waiting around. I am willing to bet that you will find someone far better if you just give it a chance.

 

Good luck to you!

 

I am just in denial right now with everything. You say to give her space? Actually, we are not talking at all anymore. It is over. I'm just hurt by all of this. I didn't want to believe that she would cheat on me, but she did. She can deny it, but she did it. The signs are all there even though she doesn't want to admit it.

[DazednConfused]

Unreal,

 

I do hope that my advice was not too biased, and that you will find the will to go on to better things. Even if she does come back, you will forever have the taint of your suspicions. Believe me when I say; it ain't easy to get over.

 

My story is on the infidelity board titled "Wife made a stupid mistake". Unlike you, I have so very much vested and built around this woman to be able to cut and bail. I made vows to her, and will do my level best to keep them. The resentment of what she did to me is slowly eating my soul away, and pure fear of being hurt again is overwhelming. We both want our marriage back, and we will have it; but I am afraid it will be later rather than sooner; and an enormous amount of work. I will only love one woman like I do her; but I told her last night that I will spend the rest of my life alone rather than be hurt like that again.

 

I am happy (even a little envious) for you that you found it in time before totally joining your life to hers, and can move on unfettered.

 

Take care and good luck!

[unreal]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

Unreal,

 

I do hope that my advice was not too biased, and that you will find the will to go on to better things. Even if she does come back, you will forever have the taint of your suspicions. Believe me when I say; it ain't easy to get over.

 

My story is on the infidelity board titled "Wife made a stupid mistake". Unlike you, I have so very much vested and built around this woman to be able to cut and bail. I made vows to her, and will do my level best to keep them. The resentment of what she did to me is slowly eating my soul away, and pure fear of being hurt again is overwhelming. We both want our marriage back, and we will have it; but I am afraid it will be later rather than sooner; and an enormous amount of work. I will only love one woman like I do her; but I told her last night that I will spend the rest of my life alone rather than be hurt like that again.

 

I am happy (even a little envious) for you that you found it in time before totally joining your life to hers, and can move on unfettered.

 

Take care and good luck!

 

 

One good thing I notice with your story from the infidelity board is that you both obviously love each other very much. That is the backbone to working things out. Whether or not you can truly be able to forgive and forget is another story and only time will tell how you handle it. I wish you the best in that. With me, I'm not totally sure that the love between my ex and I was mutual. It is like she flipped back and forth through the years of our two relationships between I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, I don't love you anymore and want to breakup, I lied when I said that I didn't love you back then because I really did but didn't think you were happy and thought you were cheating on me(yet I wasn't and never did), I love you and still want to marry you, and now to I'm not sure if I feel as strongly as I did in the beginning but I THINK I love you but want to breakup and be on my own. You want to talk about slowly eating your soul away? I hear you when you say that buddy! But I know somehow this is a blessing in disguise and someday I will look back and say, "Damn, I'm much better off!" When? Who knows, it will take a long time for me. Maybe that is why you say that you are happy for me and envious that I found out in time before I made my big move to move in and get married. I don't see how this could be a happy thing, but when I step back and look at it from the outside, I can see what you mean by that statement. The fact that I didn't marry her or move in with her does leave me with no strings attached and able to break ties cleanly. But the fact of the matter is, you cannot tell the heart that it is better without her in my life. The heart will feel and do what it wants and no one(not even my better senses or mind) can tell it to stop loving. Love is a weird thing that is unexplainable. Some people say it is a gift and it may very well be. But sometimes it can be mental anguish that will torture your soul for a long time if the love isn't returned.

[undecided]

im not sure if youre lucky you didnt catch them or not. im 100% sure she cheated.

 

seems like you were minutes away from catching her. but i dont think i could handle the sight of my girl doing that with someone else.. it would probably kill me inside.

[myrias]

The problem here unreal is that you'll never be 100% sure of whether she cheated on you or not unless she levels with you. And that's the pain you'll have to live with.

 

I could tell you that her behaviour is really suspicious, it's true, but that doesn't change a thing. In fact her behaviour was suspicious from the moment she married someone two months after breaking up with you. It's ok to be impulsive, but isn't that a bit too much? And then she leaves her husband of six years because you write her a letter? What kind of marriage did she had? She just doesn't look like someone who is willing to have a commited relationship and work out what problems may arise, neither she looks like someone who is able to spend time alone, without having a relationship. But those are her problems.

 

Your problem is moving on with your life accepting you will never know the whole truth. And that will take some time. And I wish you all the strength it takes to do it.

[unreal]

I may have been minutes away from catching her. And you are probably right, I wouldn't have liked what I would have seen. I hate to think it happened, but honestly, how else can you explain all of this without the scenario of another man? That is the only way it all makes sense and fits together. It is just something she will have to live with.

[undecided]

and what do you feel you have to do?

[unreal]

Originally posted by undecided

and what do you feel you have to do?

 

I'm not sure I understand your question?

[undediced]

so i take it you left her?

[unreal]

Originally posted by undediced

so i take it you left her?

 

No, I said she left. She moved away, she ended it. She still denied someone else involved and said she "thinks she is still in love with me" but something doesn't feel right. Never told me what it was or anything. But I think she was lying and there was someone else. How else do you explain the condom?

[undecided]

shes sneaky, even after all that she had to say she still loves you just in case things dont work out with this guy she cheated on you with so she may have a chance to come back to you. too bad you couldnt put her in her place.

[unreal]

Originally posted by undecided

shes sneaky, even after all that she had to say she still loves you just in case things dont work out with this guy she cheated on you with so she may have a chance to come back to you. too bad you couldnt put her in her place.

 

I have a feeling she will never show her face around me again, much less try to come back. Yeah, you are right about your, "too bad you couldnt put her in her place." comment. But how could I have done anything when she still denied anyone else and made up some excuse for the condom and then splits town and moves away immediately? It may never bother her at all down the road about what she did and how she handled it. But I know if that were me, it would eat me up inside from here on out.