Feeling sad, but not wanting to let go

[SableWolfAngel]

I posted here a few weeks back about my sexless sex life and this is a follow up/more questions. So the long of the short of it is that my boyfriend of 3 years won't have sex with me, won't initiate at all, won't talk to me about sex, basically doesn't show an interest. Well I finally got him in a good enough mood to talk about why this was happening and he said that basically it was all his doing and had nothing to do with me. Best possible answer, right? After this chat he said he's having problems psychologically and just can't get over his nervousness and need to please me. What more could I ask for? He rested the burden squarely on his own shoulders, all I could do is help him through it, until...

 

A few weeks later we got into a minor fight and he revealed to me that he's in so much pain about how I cheated on him awhile ago with my ex that he can't bear to look at me in the way I want. He says he buries the pain deep down so he can function with me. He says if he thought about his pain it would make him unstable and not want to see me for days on end. So he was lying to make me feel better and probably to avoid the topic further. I don't know what to do.

 

A long time ago when I was in high school I made friends with two older guys that were already friends with my older male cousins. All three of us grew so close that we seemed inseparable. That is until they both fell in love with me. The younger one was 24 at the time, the older 31. I was 16 or 17 at the time. We all hung out, played games, went to festivals, and had a good time with each other. The older, "S", had taken an interest in me since I was about 15 and had been rather flirty and affectionate with me for those years before I met 24 year old "J". When I met J, we shared interests in games and television which bonded us quickly. Soon we shared stories, shows, and general interests beyond games. When S realized my interest he quickly turned me away and convinced J to ask me out because of jealousy and confusion. I gladly accepted J as my paramour and our bond deepened even further. After a summer of love and fun, S decided he made the wrong decision by childishly pushing me away and decided to try and steal me for himself. Unfortunately, I was a stupid teenager back then and fell for his attentions. I began cheating on J with S and eventually left him for S. This had terrible consequences for all parties and caused a permanent group split. J wanted nothing to do with S after all this and never wanted to talk to me again... almost. Months past and some wounds have healed yet some still fester and sting. J and I had wonderful physical chemistry, but S and I just didn't click. I decided to keep sleeping with J hoping S wouldn't notice. Somehow S found out about my affair and was severely damaged by how I broke his heart which is why he's in so much pain today. I guess all people are different because both situations are similar yet J was able to forgive, forget, and love me more while S is stuck in his misery and isn't willing to move on. I love them both with all my heart and soul, but the pain we've all caused each other taints our lives every single day. I can't possibly move on from S and J, but I don't want us all to be in pain anymore. I accept my eternal punishment if it means helping the other two heal.