96nole Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 An email seems a little impersonal. Have you talked to your husband on the phone? Have you tried calling or is he ignoring your phone call. Have you texted him? Affair, just about everyone on this board is the betrayed spouse. We know what your husband is going through. So you will get a few attacks from us. I myself am in the middle of a divorce because my wife cheated on me at least twice in the past year. Saving your marriage: You've already been given some good advice about how to save your marriage. The list I gave you helped me, but my ex felt she needed to see the dirtbag anyway. She wasn't willing to fight for us. So she chickened out. You need to own the fact that this is all your fault. It's not the fault of a scorn 13 year old boy. It's not the fault of your husband, no matter what was happening in your marriage 3 years ago. You need to let him know that you are willing to do whatever but know that he is in the drivers seat. Now is the time for you to put your ego and any selfishness to the side. To save your marriage, it now has to be about him and your children. How do you think your kids feel about watching their father cry? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
96nole Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 I hope bella reads this thread too I don't think there is any hope for Bella Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 I hope bella reads this thread too Me too. This is what I was trying to tell her. It is like a ticking bomb just waiting for the right moment to explode. Sorry OP, back to your thread. Link to post Share on other sites
96nole Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 Oh, and sex is the last thing your husband wants from you right now. Don't even mention it. Right now all he can think about is you riding some other man. Even if he doesn't divorce you, he may not want to have sex with you for a while. Be prepared for that as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Affair Posted April 30, 2012 Author Share Posted April 30, 2012 Me too. This is what I was trying to tell her. It is like a ticking bomb just waiting for the right moment to explode. Sorry OP, back to your thread. Wait is this bella trying to hide an affair from her husband Link to post Share on other sites
96nole Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 Wait is this bella trying to hide an affair from her husband Yes, Here is her thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/319462-new-here-married-woman-who-had-affair-just-ended-good-i-hope Link to post Share on other sites
Author Affair Posted April 30, 2012 Author Share Posted April 30, 2012 An email seems a little impersonal. Have you talked to your husband on the phone? Have you tried calling or is he ignoring your phone call. Have you texted him? Affair, just about everyone on this board is the betrayed spouse. We know what your husband is going through. So you will get a few attacks from us. I myself am in the middle of a divorce because my wife cheated on me at least twice in the past year. Saving your marriage: You've already been given some good advice about how to save your marriage. The list I gave you helped me, but my ex felt she needed to see the dirtbag anyway. She wasn't willing to fight for us. So she chickened out. You need to own the fact that this is all your fault. It's not the fault of a scorn 13 year old boy. It's not the fault of your husband, no matter what was happening in your marriage 3 years ago. You need to let him know that you are willing to do whatever but know that he is in the drivers seat. Now is the time for you to put your ego and any selfishness to the side. To save your marriage, it now has to be about him and your children. How do you think your kids feel about watching their father cry? I called the house, but my kids picked up not my H. I understand this is all my fault. I'm willing to do everything to save my marriage! I'm still kind of in shock that I was found out, but maybe that was a good thing. I've started to realize everything I've been doing wrong over the past few years. I shouldn't have made my husband live a lie like that! And it was definitely wrong of me to hold back from sex. Again I was punishing him for something I didn't do. I realize that was hypocritical. In all honesty he was the most loving husband in the world, before i did that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Affair Posted April 30, 2012 Author Share Posted April 30, 2012 Yes, Here is her thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/319462-new-here-married-woman-who-had-affair-just-ended-good-i-hope It's unfortunate that thread is locked... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Affair Posted April 30, 2012 Author Share Posted April 30, 2012 Oh, and sex is the last thing your husband wants from you right now. Don't even mention it. Right now all he can think about is you riding some other man. Even if he doesn't divorce you, he may not want to have sex with you for a while. Be prepared for that as well. Is there a way I could help him get past that image when he decides to talk to me? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 Is there a way I could help him get past that image when he decides to talk to me? Only time and hard work can do that. Link to post Share on other sites
SomedayDig Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 Is there a way I could help him get past that image when he decides to talk to me? Nope. Unfortunately, its a demon that you called for him. He is the only one who can deal with it now. In his own due time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 Wait is this bella trying to hide an affair from her husband Bella,like you, is trying to hide an affair from her H. You were found out. You are still a conflict-avoidant coward in using email to communicate with your H. You ran out of your house instead of comforting your child and admitting you had hurt daddy. You would like to barter sex for reconciliation, as if.....that will take away the pain of betrayal and keeping your secret for three years! Your affair helped destroy the life of a young boy; his parents marriage blew apart and he now lives in an apartment instead of his home. But your initial reaction was to blame a child who has every reason to be angry and to hate you. You need to grow up a lot before you will have the courage and maturity necessary to own your actions and even attempt reconciliation cuz it ain't for the faint of heart sister! What are you doing to even make your spouse WANT to attempt a marriage with you? You have a brief window of oppurtunity here. Start begging and please be remorseful for your actions. You should be overwhelmed. Of all the things you could have chose to done, why oh why did you choose an affair? Look what happened to that child! Do you feel remorse for that at all? I think, right now, you are just sorry you got caught. If I sense that over an anonymous internet site, what do you think your spouse if feeling when he reads your emails???? Start fighting for your marriage NOW if you really want it. And DON'T run away from the tears and the pain you caused your entire family. They need YOU to be strang to help them heal from YOUR actions. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 --------------------------- Link to post Share on other sites
Author Affair Posted April 30, 2012 Author Share Posted April 30, 2012 Bella,like you, is trying to hide an affair from her H. You were found out. You are still a conflict-avoidant coward in using email to communicate with your H. You ran out of your house instead of comforting your child and admitting you had hurt daddy. You would like to barter sex for reconciliation, as if.....that will take away the pain of betrayal and keeping your secret for three years! Your affair helped destroy the life of a young boy; his parents marriage blew apart and he now lives in an apartment instead of his home. But your initial reaction was to blame a child who has every reason to be angry and to hate you. You need to grow up a lot before you will have the courage and maturity necessary to own your actions and even attempt reconciliation cuz it ain't for the faint of heart sister! What are you doing to even make your spouse WANT to attempt a marriage with you? You have a brief window of oppurtunity here. Start begging and please be remorseful for your actions. You should be overwhelmed. Of all the things you could have chose to done, why oh why did you choose an affair? Look what happened to that child! Do you feel remorse for that at all? I think, right now, you are just sorry you got caught. If I sense that over an anonymous internet site, what do you think your spouse if feeling when he reads your emails???? Start fighting for your marriage NOW if you really want it. And DON'T run away from the tears and the pain you caused your entire family. They need YOU to be strang to help them heal from YOUR actions. I understand. This was painfully honest, but I'm going to do what you said. Everything is my fault here. I've owned up to that. And I do feel guilty, there were times in the last 3 years that I came close to telling him but didn't because I was scared. It was selfish of me to make him live a lie, and to put children in this situation. I've found myself wondering how much this will affect my children. Would they be better off if we just divorced? I think I'm going to apologize to the boy and his mother too. I feel like sh*t Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 and i just broke down and told him the story.(I spared the details) Do *not* spare yourself the details. t's hard to tell them, but if he asks something you tell. Some betrayed spouses(BSs) want to know more than others. The worst thing you can do is not tell certain things and then have him find out later. It's called trickle truth (TT) and is even worse than the affair(A) itself. I would talk to your H and tell him you will answer any questions he has fully and honestly. My WW(wayward wife) tried to "spare me details" as well, I have no trust left in her because of it. She blew every chance to tell me things that I didn't already know. You need to show him you can tell the truth, even when it's hard. I'm not agreeing 100% with every one about the sex offer. I'm not agreeing with you either though. If you had been denying him for so long..that's probably a big sore spot. Maybe the best thing to do is to explain why you weren't having sex and that you really do want it with him. You need to clear this up with him ASAP. He probably feels rejected and emasculated. Just make him understand what is in your head. Don't make sex sound like something you are doing for him as a favor. That will probably will piss him off more like the others said. You don't even have to offer, you need to explain that you do want it and always did but had confusion issues due to the A. Are you ever in contact with the other man(OM) now? If so that needs to completely stop...forever. Hopefully you don't work with him or anything like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 I understand. This was painfully honest, but I'm going to do what you said. Everything is my fault here. I've owned up to that. And I do feel guilty, there were times in the last 3 years that I came close to telling him but didn't because I was scared. It was selfish of me to make him live a lie, and to put children in this situation. I've found myself wondering how much this will affect my children. Would they be better off if we just divorced? I think I'm going to apologize to the boy and his mother too. I feel like sh*t It's refreshing to see someone who is willing to see things clearly. Good for you for wanting to do the right thing. It might not suddenly make things better... but your life will be better by making amends. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 How would you be feeling the roles had been reversed? You cheated on and betrayed your husband, marriage and family. You put your husband's health at risk for STD's. You ended the affair only because it was found out. You then state that you wanted to work on your marriage......by withholding sex from you husband because you felt guilty? Are you kidding me? You are in damage control. You clearly have no respect for your husband whatsoever and played him for a complete fool. Meanwhile you say he was a very loving husband to you. You need therapy big time since you are clearly a self-destructive person. Please let your husband move on and divorce so he can found another woman who will truly love and respect him as a spouse since you cannot. It is all about you. I seriously doubt that you love your husband at all. Have you even bothered to get checked for STD's? My guess is no. Actions have consequences and your poor husband deserves so much better than a cheating wife who withhold intimacy from her husband and just wants to salvage her standard of living by staying in a marriage. You are a real piece of work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Affair Posted April 30, 2012 Author Share Posted April 30, 2012 Do *not* spare yourself the details. t's hard to tell them, but if he asks something you tell. Some betrayed spouses(BSs) want to know more than others. The worst thing you can do is not tell certain things and then have him find out later. It's called trickle truth (TT) and is even worse than the affair(A) itself. I would talk to your H and tell him you will answer any questions he has fully and honestly. My WW(wayward wife) tried to "spare me details" as well, I have no trust left in her because of it. She blew every chance to tell me things that I didn't already know. You need to show him you can tell the truth, even when it's hard. I'm not agreeing 100% with every one about the sex offer. I'm not agreeing with you either though. If you had been denying him for so long..that's probably a big sore spot. Maybe the best thing to do is to explain why you weren't having sex and that you really do want it with him. You need to clear this up with him ASAP. He probably feels rejected and emasculated. Just make him understand what is in your head. Don't make sex sound like something you are doing for him as a favor. That will probably will piss him off more like the others said. You don't even have to offer, you need to explain that you do want it and always did but had confusion issues due to the A. Are you ever in contact with the other man(OM) now? If so that needs to completely stop...forever. Hopefully you don't work with him or anything like that. Like I've said earlier. It wasn't a bargain or offer. I was simply saying that was something that would change. I broke contact with the other man except for the occasional "how's everything going?" I do not flirt or even think about cheating again. Also by sparing the details i meant, I didn't turn it into kidd's wife's post. I told the full truth and answered all of his questions truthfully, I did lie to him for 3 years and make him live a lie. I realize that was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Affair Posted April 30, 2012 Author Share Posted April 30, 2012 How would you be feeling the roles had been reversed? You cheated on and betrayed your husband, marriage and family. You put your husband's health at risk for STD's. You ended the affair only because it was found out. You then state that you wanted to work on your marriage......by withholding sex from you husband because you felt guilty? Are you kidding me? You are in damage control. You clearly have no respect for your husband whatsoever and played him for a complete fool. Meanwhile you say he was a very loving husband to you. You need therapy big time since you are clearly a self-destructive person. Please let your husband move on and divorce so he can found another woman who will truly love and respect him as a spouse since you cannot. It is all about you. I seriously doubt that you love your husband at all. Have you even bothered to get checked for STD's? My guess is no. Actions have consequences and your poor husband deserves so much better than a cheating wife who withhold intimacy from her husband and just wants to salvage her standard of living by staying in a marriage. You are a real piece of work. I did get checked for STDs after the first time i slept with the OM. I'm willing to let him find another woman if he'd like, I just don't like the idea of my kids living in a broken home. I am very selfish and it was very selfish of me to withhold sex because of guilt and to hide the A from him. Like i've said, "I was punishing him for something i did" And I know im a "real piece of work" If the roles were reversed I would feel horrible. Probably worse than i do right now. I can't even imagine what's going through my husbands head or how he feels. I think it might be better if we just divorced and he finds our kids a step-mom and I just see them on weekends. Link to post Share on other sites
96nole Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 I think it might be better if we just divorced and he finds our kids a step-mom and I just see them on weekends. Hold your horses. Don't make any rash decisions yet. Keep trying to contact your husband and let him know you'll do whatever it takes to fix it. He needs time to cool off. He may still be willing to work on it. Just know that it will never be the same. But then again, let's face it, it hasn't been the same for 3 years. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 I did get checked for STDs after the first time i slept with the OM. I'm willing to let him find another woman if he'd like, I just don't like the idea of my kids living in a broken home. I am very selfish and it was very selfish of me to withhold sex because of guilt and to hide the A from him. Like i've said, "I was punishing him for something i did" And I know im a "real piece of work" If the roles were reversed I would feel horrible. Probably worse than i do right now. I can't even imagine what's going through my husbands head or how he feels. I think it might be better if we just divorced and he finds our kids a step-mom and I just see them on weekends. Sorry, I'm not buying this thread. Comments are all over the place and lack any sense of consistency. Someone with far too much idle time is how this is coming across. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Affair Posted April 30, 2012 Author Share Posted April 30, 2012 Hold your horses. Don't make any rash decisions yet. Keep trying to contact your husband and let him know you'll do whatever it takes to fix it. He needs time to cool off. He may still be willing to work on it. Just know that it will never be the same. Well I'll try, ill update you guys at the end of the day if i contact him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Affair Posted April 30, 2012 Author Share Posted April 30, 2012 Sorry, I'm not buying this thread. Comments are all over the place and lack any sense of consistency. Someone with far too much idle time is how this is coming across. That's okay. This is a crazy story. And my comments are a jumble of mess. So i can understand why. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 Whether you D or not, Affair, you still have to build some sort of R with your H. After all, you will have shared custody. So there's no getting round this. You will have to face the consequences by first reaching out to your H and apologizing. You need to hear him out. Let him rant and rave because that way you will hear what his feelings are. What about it bothers him the most? That you lied for 3 years? That you had an A with...does he know the OM? That others knew about it and he didn't? That he wasn't happy either but chose to stay faithful? It could be all or a few of the above....or something else. You need to get him talking to you face to face. First off, don't call the house, it's your home too. Go see your kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ISurvived Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 I did get checked for STDs after the first time i slept with the OM. I'm willing to let him find another woman if he'd like, I just don't like the idea of my kids living in a broken home. I am very selfish and it was very selfish of me to withhold sex because of guilt and to hide the A from him. Like i've said, "I was punishing him for something i did" And I know im a "real piece of work" If the roles were reversed I would feel horrible. Probably worse than i do right now. I can't even imagine what's going through my husbands head or how he feels. I think it might be better if we just divorced and he finds our kids a step-mom and I just see them on weekends. Do you want to D? If not then quit saying it. It's time to quit making excuses and start fighting for you M if you want to R. Like many others have said, you need to ask your BH what he needs you to do to R and start doing it. I can tell you in general terms what's going through his mind. It can run the spectrum from "I should have been a better husband" to "That b***h can burn in Hell for all I care". Those can come seconds apart too. Look at it this way, your BH has just been told, arguably, the second worst thing a spouse can hear. Second only to death of a child. He is going to need time to process this. On the other hand, you can't R if you are not living together. Time to put your big girl panties on and go home and face the destruction you have caused and try to pick up the pieces and move forward. From the BH side of the fence, I would be a bit offended if we hadn't been having sex for awhile and suddenly after my WW was busted, she offered it to me. Kinda would make me feel she was doing out of guilt instead of wanting too. Link to post Share on other sites
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