Is there a point to life?

[Eclypse]

Seriously, is there?

 

It just feels like I'm drifting through each day. Nothing really brings me happiness. I wake up at 6:30am, leave at 7am, struggle through the day, come home around 6:30pm tired as a dog, eat dinner, waste time online and sleep. Rinse and repeat. The stuff at university is a real drainer. I'm a full time researcher (with no pay) doing my honours year, although technically still an undergrad with assignments and shiz. I hate that feeling of waiting to find out how I went, especially as those marks will have an impact on if I get into a PhD program at the end of this year. I don't know if I even want to do a PhD anymore even though. Another 3 years of my life in this place would be a real killer. But with the job market as it is I don't know if I'll be able to succeed without it. Biomedical research is quite cut-throat as I've found out and I'm a bit sick of that to be honest.

 

Sometimes I feel like there's no point in even doing anything. It all just seems so grey. I don't know if I'm describing it accurately but that's pretty much how it feels. It often hits when I'm waiting for the train at 7:20am in the freezing station, when it's 1pm and I'm staring at my computer screen and feeling like I'm going to throw up, when I'm alone at night like this.. etc. I play basketball in 2 teams, and I run up this mountain nearby every week until my lungs and muscles feel like they are on fire. It's what keeps me sane I guess, but unfortunately between that, seeing my girlfriend and working there's no free time for myself. I can't even get a part time job at the moment as I literally have no free time at all (I have to come into university on a lot of weekends to finish scheduled experiments). And they don't encourage you to work either as it will detract from writing your thesis. So at the moment I'm dirt poor, but my parents are kind enough to provide for all my transport tickets, fuel costs etc which I am very grateful for but feel like I am being a leech. I just want to become independent in life. They don't mind, they like supporting me, but it doesn't change how I really feel. Moving out of home isn't really an option either as I don't qualify for government assistance and there is no way I can fork our $400 a week just on rent.

 

I wonder if there is an end to all this uncertainty. I'm working my ass off this year for almost no reward, and I don't know if I'll even get a job at the end of it. All my childhood dreams are in tatters. I always wanted to become a professional basketballer, yet it seems like I'm getting crappier with every week, missing easy shots and all that. Now I'm faced with uncertain career prospects (despite graduating from the top ranked university in this country) and wondering if it's worth it.

 

It makes me sad when I see my bookshelf lined with hundreds of books and think that I haven't even got time to read anymore. I promise myself I'll read tomorrow, but it never happens. I have a model of a sailing ship that I began building last year, and things got in the way and now it's sitting there half finished, gathering dust. Same with my guitar. I don't know why I've just lost the passion for these things. It worries me, and upsets me greatly.

 

I love my girlfriend, but we are very different in so many ways. I feel like I can't relate to her sometimes and that also makes me sad. I want us to go on walks and go exploring the countryside or go on a getaway for a weekend to a mountain resort and so on but she never wants to, so we spend all day in the house watching TV and there goes my weekend. Back to work on Monday.

 

While waiting for the train, I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to jump in front of it. In the end that's where we'll all be anyway isn't it? Not that I am going to do it, I value life too much at this stage still. But it does sort of bring to home my whole thought from the beginning: Is there a point to anything if we're gonna die anyway?

 

Well, hopefully that wasn't too much of a ramble... I just felt like I needed to lift some things off my chest. If it wasn't too long to read I'd appreciate some thoughts. Is there any hope? Perhaps I should just open up a can of harden the f*ck up? Cheers.

[Philosoraptor]

Ah, I know this feeling. I'd hate to say it, but it seems like you know what's bringing you down right now. I'd suggest talking to her and figuring out how you two could find some hobbies that both of you enjoy.

 

I'm reading you on the fringe of breaking up with her as the difference of lifestyles seems to bother you more than the lack of free time during the job. You seem very unfulfilled by your relationship and I'm reading much doubt in the sustainability of the relationship. Maybe I'm wrong, but I know this feeling very well as I lived this way in another life.

 

Right now you need to concentrate on yourself and figure out what in the world is going to make you happy right now. If you want to do something else on the weekend, than do it. If you don't want to be a couch potato then do something about it. Go out without her and make yourself happy. The only thing we can control in life is our own actions. Live by doing things that make you happy as stagnating in misery is going to leave you with many regrets at the end of your life.

[Eclypse]

Thanks mate. The girlfriend issues are definitely part of it, but not the whole I can assure you! But still, if I could sort at least that out things would get better. Breaking up is something I consider but whenever I do I always wonder how miserable I'd be alone, and what a waste it would be to throw away a beautiful relationship. And it really is beautiful most of the time. It's just certain things like that (and the lack of sex) that really grind my axe to no end. I've brought it up with her numerous times but I've come to the conclusion you can't really change a person. Either gotta accept it or move on. I'll have to wait and see on that one, as she really has been amazing for me most of the time.

 

Stagnating in misery is something I most definitely don't want to do, but sometimes it just overwhelms you ya know? It sucks. This weekend I can't see her as she's busy, which may be a blessing in disguise. Might get a chance to re-evaluate myself.

 

The other stuff I am still not happy about. I hope I'm not depressed and that it's all just a phase (although this has been a long phase...).

[Philosoraptor]

Well you need to set a limit for the relationship itself. Do you see yourself happy long term like this? Each small action causes waves in our lives that hit us on much deeper levels. Everyone needs to find someone who fulfills their needs. If it's beautiful most of the time, then speak to her about it. Realy sit down on an open level and let her know what you need from a life with her. If she is unable to meet it then step back decide what is best for you.

 

Life is quite stressful at times and sometimes we need to count on the little things to get us through. Sure you may not have job security, but you have more of a chance than many. Start living in the moment for yourself, not in the future. If you want to read and have time, then read. If you want to do something fun, then go do it. Even if it's by yourself it's always better than allowing yourself to stagnate.

 

I was depressed for awhile and it took a lot of action to get through it. Now I'm going for walks, jumping out of planes, and living a happy life of action... not living in my head anymore.

 

Step up and accept that you've made the choices to put you where you are, and acknowledge that only you can change things. If you want things to be different than make a plan of action and go for it.

[DarkPrince]

More than likely if your wondering what the point of life is, then there is something out of balance with your life. You need to find it and fix it. It wont just get better by itself. I had to completely re do my life (except my wife, which I might add to the list as well soon) to get things back into balance, where life feels right again.

It also sounds like your missing some excitement in your life. You need to find a hobby that gives you pleasure or some kind of rush ( i know you say you have little time and I understand. That's the reason I redid my life. All work, no pleasure = misery)

The unfortunate thing about many people who make tons of money is that they have little to no time to enjoy that money.

[Exit]

I know the feeling. It's the difference between living and existing as they say, and I do not feel that I've been "living" for a while now.

[Mr Scorpio]

The "point" to life is to be happy. Plain but not simple. For some people that means climbing a corporate ladder and amassing power. For others it means selling paintings at vending booths at Phish concerts.

 

Based on your post, it seems that one of the things that is bothering you is uncertainty. In that regard, I am in a very similar situation. I have almost three years left to go in lawschool, which I attend on weekends. So, while other people are out playing disc-golf, flying kites, or attending concerts, I'm in a library reading treatises on the origin of property law.

 

And in this economy? Who knows if it will lead to anything other than debt. Although like yourself -- although not to the same extent -- I'll have a better chance than others.

 

Now, one way I draw solace from this is in knowing that, with the skills I am acquiring, I will be able to make a difference in people's lives. Given that you are in bio-medical research, the same can be said for you. Who knows, you might even make a difference in my life for all I know. Point being, you might try to derive happiness from the purpose which you have chosen for yourself.

 

Then, there are the cliche responses. Volunteer your time (time you dont have). Find a hobby (a hobby you dont have time for). Reconnect with your religion (your major might stiffle spirituality).

 

Beyond that, however, you can count your blessings. Perhaps the relationship isn't entirely satisfying, yet you've said that it is beautiful most of the time. Your education is grinding your soul down, but there are millions of uneducated people who will never have the opportunities you or I have.

[Eclypse]

@ Philoso: I did see myself as happy. We went on an overseas trip about 6 months ago and we met our extended family there. They all expect me to marry her now. I can't imagine the disappointment they would feel if we broke up. Some days we're good, others we just get on each others nerves constantly

Living in the moment is something I really want to do, but I'm not entirely sure how to go about it. I catch glimpses of it, such as driving at sunset with the windows down, but these are fleeting and pass quicker than they came. I have always been passionate about cars actually, and dad wants to buy me a sports car (well, I'll be paying it off at the end of the year once I get a job!) and that actually really excites me. For years I have been fantasizing driving through twisting mountain ranges and valleys in a perfectly balanced machine...

 

@Dark and Exit: Yep that's how life feels at the moment, just existing, with no clear road marked. I think I will redo my life at the end of the year when I will get money either way and am finished with schooling for the time being. Hopefully we will be able to move a little closer to the city by then which will mean a reduction in the almost 4 hour commute I have each day (and 600 miles each week that I drive). That distance and time lost is a BIG part in this depression.

 

@Mr. Scorpion: Selfish as it may sound money probably is a big key to happiness in my life. I don't mean that I want to buy my 10th mansion or Ferrari, but in that I feel if I had enough money to live comfortably, had a job that I enjoyed, plenty of spare time to be myself, and a loving wife by my side I would truly be in heaven.

 

This research we are doing now may well make a difference. It's a shame this particular tack doesn't really lead to any patents, but oh well! I've read some of your posts. You've had it pretty rough too. I can't relate exactly, as I'm 21 and have not held a great sum of money to date, but I admire your courage to keep on going

 

I'm glad you didn't market those cliche responses. I am not religious at all, and while I do like the idea of volunteering, that's something I might try only once I've gotten myself into an acceptable situation where I can actually devote my time to causes such as this!