Sorry for cheating

[quite sorry]

I feel so guilty all the time. I was a cheater. I cheated on my wife before we were married 3 times. We were high school sweethearts. Been going together now for 14 years. Once when I was 16, twice in college.

 

I am now 28 and we have been married for about 4 years. My wife is a wonderful person and I don't know why I did it, don't know why after 8 years it is now a problem. Two of the three times is was a friend of my wife's. Sounds bad, and it is.

 

We were kids and I know now I had no respect for myself or anyone else. She had also had a fling in college with a buddy of mine. I am okay with that, we were four hours apart for a year, it happend and for some reason I wasn't upset about that. I have grown up and haven't cheated for years.

 

My question or need for advice is why is it bothering me know. I love my wife, we are very happy, now grownup and one day it just clicked in my head was quilt. It was so long ago and my wife knows that I have cheated twice in college but she doesn't care about it anymore. I haven't never told her about the time when I was 16 and maybe that's what is bothering me. Maybe I should tell her but after 12 years.

 

I don't want to lie to her, it seems like she deserves the truth, she is my wife. What to do?? It's me that's so upset about it and can't stop thinking about it. My wife says she has forgiven me and just wants to go forward. I wish I could just go forward, it sounds terrible that I am the one that needs help but I do. People have told me to stop it and just move on. It was years ago and I should be looking towards the future. Well that's what I need to do, but how.

 

Has anyone else had this problem? My confidence is so low and it shouldn't be, I have a great job, nice home and a wonderful wife I don't think I deserve. For all those that have been cheated on I am truly sorry and hope that some of you can see that some of us that were idiots years ago are truly sorry.

[msrealdoll]

Don't tell her. It would be an unnecessary burden to her. This is just my opinion, but I wouldn't want to know.

 

I think you need some counselling to get past your guilt. Counselling can help you to understand it and get past it.

 

Is it possible that you're feeling this guilt because you've been having urges to cheat again? Have you been faced with any temptation lately?

[quite sorry]

No, I don't even think of cheating. My wife and I have worked through alot of this but I just can't seem to get over it. I am extremly depressed and am truly sorry for what I have done. But I can't seem to get past this. I have had this guilt consume me for the past 1.5 years. I seen a movie, and it was about a man cheating on his wife and how terrible a person he was and then I kind of starting thinking the same way. I wake up, go to work, and can't stop thinking of what an idiot I was. I mean come on this happened so long ago and we have come so far. I just feel terrible and that I don't deserve what I have now. I wish I could just get past it and go on living without these hateful thoughts of what happened. I was a kid for god sake. what is wrong with me?

[HokeyReligions]

Your phrase "I don't deserve" is what jumped out at me from your post. Could you be suffering from depression? Have you had a good physical lately? Talk to a doctor who is familiar with depression and can diagnose it--it may simply be a chemical imbalance or mis-firing of electrical impulses in your brain that can be corrected with right anti-depressent and some short-term counseling to help you heal the emotional wounds. It sounds like your self-esteem and self-respect has taken a blow somewhere along the line.

 

The two of you were young, you experimented like most young people do, and you still made a commitment to each other and worked through your problems. That is great.

 

This snag right now can be helped -- but not without some outside professional help. Medical diagnosis and treatment is important.

 

Imagine having a very painful urinary tract infection -- so bad that you pass out when you pee. Friends and relatives may tell you to drink a LOT and drink cranberry juice because its supposed to be good for that. But it makes you pee more and it HURTS! Wouldn't you go to a doctor to get an antibiotic right away so you could get rid of the infection and pain? It's the same thing when you are having problems with things you thought were solved before. You are listening to friends and family tell you get over it and, while they may be right on one level, they are not able to prescribe the antibiotic you need.

[quite sorry]

I know I am quite depressed. I could be watching a tv show that gets a little sentimental and may start getting teary eyed. It doesn't make much sense because I am usually quite strong. Over the past 1.5 years I have changed alot and my wife is actually worried about me and my moods, my health. I am put under alot of stress at work and everyone at work thinks I deal with it quite well but once I start my drive home I may start criing. I don't eat when I become extremly stressed and this worries her. Wow I am like a baby and can't seem to fix it. I am a very decent guy that tries to do everything right,please everyone and works hard. I appreicate your support and will look to get some help. I tried it about 1.5 years ago but they seemed to think it wasn't a big deal so I decied to deal with it myself and well that didn't work very well. Yes, I am probably making more of this than I should but it is my problem and I need to deal with it. I really don't want to take any pills, I am hoping it can be fixed by talking with someone, someone that will listen. When I told my wife that I had cheated yes she was upset and yes she didn't quite want to know about it but she forgave me. She loves me with all her heart, I don't want to hurt her and I want to give her the world. I just have a stupid little problem that shouldn't bother me. It didn't seem to bother her as much as it bothers me. I guess some of it could be that other people may know of it and I feel like a fool for doing what I did. I worry a little too much of what people think of me. Another little issue I have.

[GuiltandHurt]

I can't believe how your posting echos what I have been feeling for a year. I too have been married for some time -- six years -- and I too cheated once -- eight years ago -- and feel eaten up with guilt now. The cheating, which involved making out while in a drunken stupor (completely our of character for me since I have truly never been a drinker) one summer in college while my then boyfriend and I were working in different countries for the summer, was completely our of character for me.

 

After it happened, I did not tell my husband (as I said, then boyfriend). I was so horrified. But I suppressed the whole incident, not telling anyone except one very close girlfriend. Fast-forward seven years, the incident suddenly thrust itself to the forefront of my mind. I did experience a very serious depression of which I have not completely emerged. The guilt was so crushing. I told my husband about the incident. He said it wasn't anything nice to hear about, but he forgave me without any dramatics or accusations. The nicer he was, the guiltier I felt. As if I didn't deserve him.

 

A year has passed since the flair-up of guilt. It hit me hard today, which is why I am posting here. I punish myself by reading on the Internet what horrible things people say about cheaters. And I agree, which makes me loathe myself even more.

 

I just want to get back to being happy. I want to feel I deserve my life. I have been to a therapist. That helped very little. At least I no longer cry every day.

[deesgirl]

I think you should tell her. The guilt will eat away your marriage if you don't. That's why marriage builders believe in getting it all out on the table.

 

You were 16 yrs. old. You sound like you love your wife and she sounds like a forgiving person. It may hurt her to hear it, but I would bet your guilt and depression is hurting her right now. She might think you aren't happy with her.

 

Once you tell her, you will also have to forgive yourself. That will be the hardest part.