hurts_so_bad Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 Hey guys! Not exactly sure what happened to the other thread but it was closed for some reason. Whether it reached its limit or got too heated I dont know. Anyway, Wanted to check in.....Hope NXS, DOT sunny, trippi are still with me here..I can use some encouragement from time too time! Thanks guys! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 Hi HSB - Yep, we are all still here. Not sure why the thread was closed, but yes, threads do get moderated. Don't think it is anything you did though. Keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 30, 2012 Author Share Posted April 30, 2012 Hey trippi! Glad your still with me! This in some way keeps me sane! I am about at the end of my rope here! today I talk to the landlord and he tells me he needs 2 months security and the months rent. Thats $5400! Cant do it even with the roomates! Looks like I may have to go back to moms for a while! Feel like such a friggin loser! Have many or any of you guys ever have to resort to this? Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 Actually, I've been home twice......both times with a child in tow. Yeah, I won't kid you, it sucks! But what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. In today's economy, it's nothing to be ashamed about. Heck, my daughter and her fiance are back home with me, getting their bearings and getting back on their feet. If you have to do this, you just do.....it's a reset to get your bearings, nothing wrong with that. Get your life sorted and figure out what you need to contribute for your children. Get your license back and keep going to AA. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 1, 2012 Author Share Posted May 1, 2012 I think that might be my only option at this point..Im like a lost child! Everything I know and own is home! I sure hope this works out between us at one point....Its been 2-1/2 months now....Still think I have a shot? Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 Still think I have a shot? Still thinking like a gambler HSB....how about you place your odds in your favor on you for a change? You see, positive changes = winning. You make positive changes in your life and she might see them and want you back. I know the latter is more what you want to hear...what does HSB need to do to get her back. Honestly, it's not a guarantee...but what do you have to lose? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 1, 2012 Author Share Posted May 1, 2012 Still thinking like a gambler HSB....how about you place your odds in your favor on you for a change? You see, positive changes = winning. You make positive changes in your life and she might see them and want you back. I know the latter is more what you want to hear...what does HSB need to do to get her back. Honestly, it's not a guarantee...but what do you have to lose? True that! well I have two options here..Its stay in the apt and spend all my cash in order to avoid staying with my parents. Or stay with my parents and save money! I just got a response from my judges court clerk today. He said a letter went out today regarding a meeting with the judge to discuss my license issue. If he does decide to allow me to get the license I will need to pay the DMV $700 + a $110 reapplication fee. Its probably going to cost me about $2000 to get my car back in order. Plus additional cash to get the breathelizer unit put in the car... I think the best bet is my parents for now....I can always get a apt later. Right now the bigest issue is the car! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 Good! Focus...these are not things she needs to know, these are things you are working towards. Pointing them out to her will not work...just a fore-warning...DO these things because they are the steps you need to do to rebuild. It's more than just the gym....YOU may feel that is necessary, but that is ego. Honestly, there isn't many here who wouldn't tell you that the ego doesn't take a battering...male or female. Getting the other issues settled and sorted....that's character. Good, positive steps in this direction help build that, the rest will follow. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 1, 2012 Share Posted May 1, 2012 You know that there's an obvious 3rd option: Go back to the house, citing financial reasons. Keep yourself non-reactive and you could progress further then you wanted. My husband moved back in for financial reasons initially. We were separated last year more then we were together. We didn't live like normal husband/wife for a year. It's much better now that he's gotten help for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 1, 2012 Author Share Posted May 1, 2012 You know that there's an obvious 3rd option: Go back to the house, citing financial reasons. Keep yourself non-reactive and you could progress further then you wanted. My husband moved back in for financial reasons initially. We were separated last year more then we were together. We didn't live like normal husband/wife for a year. It's much better now that he's gotten help for himself. Hi DOT glad your still with me! Going ack to the house isnt an optio for me...dealing with her ad seeing her go out just bothers me too much and wot allow me to move on. Id rather just stay in the city for now....If it was me who broke it off with her cause I was no longer in love with her would be a different case. Cause I would be the one who didnt care. Thats ot the case in this situation. I care too much! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 3, 2012 Author Share Posted May 3, 2012 Well went upstate yesterday..I had probation and went to see the kids. First thing is when I got there I noticed she moved my stuff out of our closet in the bedroom to another room which upset me but I made no mention of it...Afterwards I asked if everyone wanted to go to dinner. We all went to a chinese buffet ad it was nice. I am some nerved out and feel so uncomfortable that when I was eating, My daughters picked up on my hand shaking my folk when I was eating... They broke my chops a bit and we laughed. Later last night I was talking with my wife and she asked me whats wrong? You never shake like that...I broke down just then and said, "This whole situation" I miss the kids my family and my home... I know I sholdnt have said anything but I broke down! She turned and said, I will always have feeligs for you but something changed after my second heart surgery....You werent there before I went into the surgery... I am working on myself overtime but its still killing me too think I lost her for good! Anyone have any encouraging words for me? God I hope coops dont catch this thread! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 So...why did she say that? What happened before she went into surgery? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 3, 2012 Author Share Posted May 3, 2012 So...why did she say that? What happened before she went into surgery? Oh sorry I forgot to etion that. I had to be in court for my DWI..If I knew then what I kow now I would have told them to put me in jail if need be but I was scared and went to court that morning instead of seeing my wife into surgery. I was there when she woke up...Thank God She did! My wife told me in a letter she wrote me in Dec that the doctor told her she was ot suposed to make it. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 So you are thinking that if you had done the jail time you wouldn't have had to do court that day? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 4, 2012 Author Share Posted May 4, 2012 So you are thinking that if you had done the jail time you wouldn't have had to do court that day? No it was a court date at that point leading to my sentencing. The sentencing was put off for over a year with like 10 court dates between! If I'd know I would have told my lawyer to postpone the court date so that I could be there for my wife....I was scared that if I didt go they would throw me in jail. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 Well, sometimes we have to just go by the dates and schedules of a surgeon.....believe me, just finished another surgery and only had two dates to pick from...the one that my ex left 9 days later..I only had two dates to pick from too. Surgery dates are like court dates...how did the two of you handle the conflict? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 4, 2012 Author Share Posted May 4, 2012 Well, sometimes we have to just go by the dates and schedules of a surgeon.....believe me, just finished another surgery and only had two dates to pick from...the one that my ex left 9 days later..I only had two dates to pick from too. Surgery dates are like court dates...how did the two of you handle the conflict? There really wasnt a conflict..She never really mentioned it till she gave it as oe of her reasons for fallig out of love with me.... Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 She was hurt HSB....I would add too that the mixture of court dates all over the place probably didn't help. But you can't go back and change what happened. How can you keep something like that from happening in the future? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 5, 2012 Author Share Posted May 5, 2012 She was hurt HSB....I would add too that the mixture of court dates all over the place probably didn't help. But you can't go back and change what happened. How can you keep something like that from happening in the future? Answer to that is simple! Stay sober! Im sure she was very hurt and I am very sorry for not being there. I was scared....She had to spend a month in the hospital afterwards the surgery in which my mom and dad stood at my home and my mom drove me back and forth to the hospital every day 25 miles each way to see her...Everyday! Thats gotta count for something no? I know this is something a an is supposed to do for his wife and visa versa so I am not expecting a medal! However, Why wouldnt she see that as something good in me? Instead of just the bad? Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 Yes HSB, staying sober....and I'm glad that you know that. You should also be proud of yourself that you are getting the help you need. I doubt that she has forgotten that you came to the hospital every day while she was there; however, the initial hurt was ammunition for her to use to keep you at arm's length. It's what people do in these situations.....and it's why the trauma of divorce can get so ugly. But here is the thing HSB, you are already invalidating her hurt by saying..."But hey, I did this for you instead". It invalidates her feelings. You may not like to hear this, but it's something you probably already know....in her mind, you would have been there for the surgery had it not been for the drinking that got you to the court date to begin with. As much as you feel she blames you, I'm betting she blames the alcohol just as much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 5, 2012 Author Share Posted May 5, 2012 Yes HSB, staying sober....and I'm glad that you know that. You should also be proud of yourself that you are getting the help you need. I doubt that she has forgotten that you came to the hospital every day while she was there; however, the initial hurt was ammunition for her to use to keep you at arm's length. It's what people do in these situations.....and it's why the trauma of divorce can get so ugly. But here is the thing HSB, you are already invalidating her hurt by saying..."But hey, I did this for you instead". It invalidates her feelings. You may not like to hear this, but it's something you probably already know....in her mind, you would have been there for the surgery had it not been for the drinking that got you to the court date to begin with. As much as you feel she blames you, I'm betting she blames the alcohol just as much. Oh I know exactly what you are talking about and I dont take it the wrong way. I am not trying to invalidate her feelings (not purposely) just saying that there were good things I did too...I wasnt a complete piece of crap to her..Screw up yes which I know hurt her but not a piece of crap....I dont know, She still seems very distant and content so she says...You said in the old thread to give her the space and time. You still think she may come around even after all this time? I have never been threw this so I dont know what a long time is in terms of this sort of thing. Its been 2-1/2 months if not a bit longer. I am trying and starting to come to terms that it may just be over but I am curious and sometimes it makes my day a bit brighter to think we may one day make it work. I am not telling you to say what I want to hear. Just asking your opinion Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 My general opinion HSB, is that anything can happen. People have split up and, even years later, gotten back together. Honestly, it really depends on the people, the ability to acknowledge their own issues and the desire to want to work on the relationship without making the same mistakes. One may get to that point before the other however, just because one person does, the other person can't be forced. I will tell you the same thing that many on here have read or heard: there is this analogy that in relationships, we have something called a love bank. The actions we do every day for and to our loved ones add and detract from it. The goal, is to have more deposits than withdrawals. Some things are huge withdrawals that may never get the love bank filled back up with love for that person. Those actions from a spouse who claims to love you, care for you....sure, it might be warranted that love is depleting or in some cases gone entirely; however the person offended assigns the points...some are huge. That is why knowing your spouse, the things that they love as well as the things we do that hurt are important. This information can be found in Gary Chapman's 5 Love Language's HSB, you can also look up some of that info online if you are interested. I'm sure that there are very good things you did for her and very good things she did for you as well; however, what you may feel was a higher "value", may not be that in her eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 5, 2012 Author Share Posted May 5, 2012 I dont know, I personally think everyone is different..The 180 is great but do you think it will actually work with every man/women? I tend to think that men are more appreciative of kind gestures at a break up then women are. Maybe its because I am a man but thats the way I feel. To me I think a women in most cases gets turned off by a man being overly kind or enthusiastic cause he sort of loses his male status... If that is the case, What if you are deaing with a women who sort of thinks like a man? The 180 tells you no contact, no I love u's, no flowers, etc...I personally would feel good by those gestures. What if the women you are dealing with would as well and the fact that you do not fight for her at all may turn her off.... If there is any sense at what I am saying then you really really have to know the type of person you are dealing with and know what methods to apply....Problem is, If you have never broken up with them before you dont know how they are going to take certain things... Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 6, 2012 Share Posted May 6, 2012 Look Hurts....you are talking about the 180 as if it is supposed to get her back...that is NOT what it is designed for, it's designed to help you move on and past your hurt. Any one wants the person they loved or still love to fight for them, I get that, but I would say the best fight you could do at this moment is working on your own demons. That shows her responsibility, which you have noted has been lacking. Why do you think she is a woman who thinks like a man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 6, 2012 Author Share Posted May 6, 2012 Not saying I think she thinks like a man, Just saying that everyone is different and things that apply to one person may not apply to another Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts