hinatticus Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 Hey hurts. Maybe I missed it but, how often do you see your ex? Are you sad and depressed when you see her? I'm 3 months post break up as well, but whenever I see my ex I'm actually happy. Not necessarily happy to see her but I'm just happy to see her being happy that I'm not all down. The more I'm happy around her the more I feel I've accepted this crappy deal. It's not about thinking positive, it's about genuinely being positive. It helps that whenever I see my kid I light up. Takes the focus away from her. Hopefully a few more months of this and I'll be in a place of accepting whatever. Sorta feels like I'm getting closer to accepting either outcome. Listen to music man. It really helps. I listen all day everyday and I'm usually happy. Don't get me wrong tho, I still cry when certain triggers hit, but that's human. Watch new shows you've never watched with your ex. Take a drive out into the country. I'm at a point where my friends are starting to bash me. I guess they're finally getting tired of all my crap. I use that as fuel to accept this ****. Read books. I'm gonna look into some motivational books as all the books I've bean reading are about anger and relationships. I need some uplifting material. Hang in there. I looked up to you a couple weeks ago. You seemed like you were doing alright. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 Ok today was a little rough for me...I took my mom and dad to dinner and the went to my in laws house afterwards where the wife and kids were. We hung out there and then went to my mom house. She actually bought my mom shoes for mothers day...I took a nice walk with the kids and bought some donuts for the house. She then drove me home cause I ask her too. She wasnt too happy about it cause she was tired and had a long ride to go back upstate but drove me anyway. We got into a little bickerig over my sons attitude..He didnt come down and I told her she should have made him come to see his grandmother...I didnt put the s on the end for grandmothers and she seemed to get a attitude and said "He has two grandothers" I said give me a break you know what I meant"....I also told her she needs to keep a better eye on him because we know he has been smoking the gonja here and there, and instead of hoping its just a phase (like she says) she needs to address the problem before it becomes a real issue. She then said, This coming from father of the year! There is so much friggin anamocity (however you spell it!) Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Actually Hurts, the animosity was probably there all along, parenting is one of the hardest jobs you will ever take on in life. It can have its rewards and it can have its hardest moments you've ever known, it can split the two of you or it can reinforce the two of you standing together as parents. Where did you stand on the subject of him smoking gonja prior to this...did you take it on as your own task to watch after him because she was lax in this area? If you didn't, you are just looking for jabs to throw...that's animosity. Let go. Instead of looking for rocks for the two of you to throw at each other, keep moving forward....keep doing what you have been doing for yourself to get better and move towards healing. There is more strength in that for you and your kids than you will ever know. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Lead by example for your kids. It's best that way. And if YOU have an issue with your sins behavior - its BEST to address it directly with your son - not your W. Don't put HER in the middle! You parent your kids directly at this stage - otherwise you can't expect her to defend like she's in attack mode... Which will never be a good outcome because she'll turn it on you as a character flaw every chance you GIVE HER. Stick to those rules of engagement! Rule #1 - do not engage! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 Hey hurts. Maybe I missed it but, how often do you see your ex? Are you sad and depressed when you see her? I'm 3 months post break up as well, but whenever I see my ex I'm actually happy. Not necessarily happy to see her but I'm just happy to see her being happy that I'm not all down. The more I'm happy around her the more I feel I've accepted this crappy deal. It's not about thinking positive, it's about genuinely being positive. It helps that whenever I see my kid I light up. Takes the focus away from her. Hopefully a few more months of this and I'll be in a place of accepting whatever. Sorta feels like I'm getting closer to accepting either outcome. Listen to music man. It really helps. I listen all day everyday and I'm usually happy. Don't get me wrong tho, I still cry when certain triggers hit, but that's human. Watch new shows you've never watched with your ex. Take a drive out into the country. I'm at a point where my friends are starting to bash me. I guess they're finally getting tired of all my crap. I use that as fuel to accept this ****. Read books. I'm gonna look into some motivational books as all the books I've bean reading are about anger and relationships. I need some uplifting material. Hang in there. I looked up to you a couple weeks ago. You seemed like you were doing alright. I see her pretty often when I see the kids...It is hard and I am pretty much doing everything you mentioned to keep me going. It even a bit harder for me cause I dot have a drivers license so I am stuck. But thats ok...Time will go on and things will get better either way. Hope things work out for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 Actually Hurts, the animosity was probably there all along, parenting is one of the hardest jobs you will ever take on in life. It can have its rewards and it can have its hardest moments you've ever known, it can split the two of you or it can reinforce the two of you standing together as parents. Where did you stand on the subject of him smoking gonja prior to this...did you take it on as your own task to watch after him because she was lax in this area? If you didn't, you are just looking for jabs to throw...that's animosity. Let go. Instead of looking for rocks for the two of you to throw at each other, keep moving forward....keep doing what you have been doing for yourself to get better and move towards healing. There is more strength in that for you and your kids than you will ever know. No the gonja thing is fairly new...We had an idea he tried it but sice I am gone I think its gotten worse..I just feel she should be making sure she is lookign after the kids instead of worrying about running out the door. Maybe it is jabs but wahats right is right.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 oh forgot to mention that she spoke to my mother last night. My mom called me afterwards to tell me. She said she was complaining that I dont give her enough money. That if she should be getting more money and that she is going to see a lawyer this week. I just dont understand why she doesnt tell me this s**t? She didnt say a word to me and drove me home 5 miles out of her way...What the f*k is wrong with her? I spoke to my mom today and told her I feel like calling her and just telling her I want a divorce! get a f*king lawyer! cause if you dont I wont pay you one more cent and you could lose everything! My mom said, dont say anything..Let her talk her sh*t....We are not legally seperated or divorced. How can a lawyer force me to pay her more money? I mean if I was a bumb still together with her and just sat my ass on the couch without contributing to the home. Could she get a lawyer to make me contribute? I think not but I could be wrong! How can she have a lawyer make me pay her more money without getting something legal? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 See an attorney and have them tell you Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 oh forgot to mention that she spoke to my mother last night. My mom called me afterwards to tell me. She said she was complaining that I dont give her enough money. That if she should be getting more money and that she is going to see a lawyer this week. I just dont understand why she doesnt tell me this s**t? She didnt say a word to me and drove me home 5 miles out of her way...What the f*k is wrong with her? She's trying to manipulate your mother into getting you to pay more money. Don't let her away with that crap, tell her to leave your mother out of it. I spoke to my mom today and told her I feel like calling her and just telling her I want a divorce! get a f*king lawyer! cause if you dont I wont pay you one more cent and you could lose everything! My mom said, dont say anything..Let her talk her sh*t....We are not legally seperated or divorced. How can a lawyer force me to pay her more money? I mean if I was a bumb still together with her and just sat my ass on the couch without contributing to the home. Could she get a lawyer to make me contribute? I think not but I could be wrong! How can she have a lawyer make me pay her more money without getting something legal? They can't, either you voluntarily sign an agreement or they have to take you to court. If she starts engaging a lawyer you're going to have to do likewise. Personally I think it's better to avoid them altogether if you can both come to an agreement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 she doesnt have the money to get an attorney unless someone gives it to her which I personally doubt! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Anyone can go to the court and fill out papers. Also there should be an area at the courthouse that will offer to help with the forms if one makes an appt. Some attys MAY offer the first consult free - its best to ask how much you should expect to pay in child support and /or spousal support based on your income versus hers... They may want tax filings and expense info too in making a determination. How did you arrive at the amount you currently pay her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 15, 2012 Author Share Posted May 15, 2012 well they say in NY its 29% for 3 children...Whiloe I was laid off I make $1000 a week..So figured $300 for the kids and the extra $115 for the house and to pay my cell phone bill and the rest to the mortgage..When Im working I ake $1700 so its going to be alot more ow that I am back to work Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 You are better off asking an expert. No more guessing. I do think she has no right talking to anyone else about it - she should only speak directly to you. And I'd send her a firm text stating you don't appreciate her NOT telling you - but telling your Mom. That's just crappy of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 15, 2012 Author Share Posted May 15, 2012 Hey guys I need our advice here..I f**ked up! She text me asking if I sent a check for last week cause she is totally broke. I went off the wall alittle and said why dont you ask John "" "" or mary for the money! I am done with you! see ya! John is the guy she was or is seeing and mary is her friend who is bringing her to her lawyer.....I lost it..Just couldnt keep my cool.....Feel like a total assh**e! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Nothing you can do about it now Hurts, what's done is done. Just don't let it turn into a text or phone war. Get the emotions under control, as hard as that may seem. She's going to have to learn to budget. In my state, we have a support calculator that we can use online to see what the fair amount is, but in my state it takes into consideration of both parents income and then splits it 50/50, 80/20, 70/30....who ever makes more has to pay a little more. You just need to pick a day the check will be mailed and tell her point blank...it will be mailed every "Monday". There is no need to call you about it unless she doesn't have it by Friday....example. If she is broke, that is not your problem as she is working too. You don't need to tell her that, let her learn on her own. I guess since she is going to see a lawyer, now is the time to ensure that all your proof of cancelled checks for support are in order. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 16, 2012 Author Share Posted May 16, 2012 This is just f**king killing me. Thought there may have been a chnce to work things out and that's what kept me going....reality is smacking me right in face now and it hurts like hell. My poor mom is on her way here cause she didn't like the way I was sounding....3 fu*king times! How many times in my life do I have to get hurt? I've been praying and doing all tge rught things and nothing! It kills mme to think I have sh*t going on and no one to gold and she is having a grand ole time! Just checked get match.com acciunt and get profile is gone which means she probably met someone....sucks to be me! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Stop basing all your happiness on her. You're handing her too much power! She's not all happy - she's just broke. But if she's broke SHE needs to figure out how to stretch the money she has- that's not your job to do. You focus on you. Focus on doing your best. If I can figure out how to be happy after 23 years being married - then suddenly divorced - YOU CAN TOO. Either way - I hope you aren't considering drinking - you won't be your best if you drink. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 16, 2012 Author Share Posted May 16, 2012 No not at all....if i was dribking it would be easier cause I wouldnt giveva s**t...just figured we could work it out....maybe I'm wanting too much too fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 16, 2012 Author Share Posted May 16, 2012 Hey dot u still with me? Haven't heard from you Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 No not at all....if i was dribking it would be easier cause I wouldnt giveva s**t...just figured we could work it out....maybe I'm wanting too much too fast. Call your wife and ask HER what her intention are for the future! You need to know so you can stop freaking out every minute. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 16, 2012 Author Share Posted May 16, 2012 Honestly I don't think she knows. The last time which was a few weeks ago I asked her if.she wants a divorce. When this first happened she told.me I'm not in a rush to.get a divorce. The last time I saw her I said, I know u said ur in no rush for a divorce but do u want one. She couldn't give me a answer Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 16, 2012 Author Share Posted May 16, 2012 If I ask her what her plans are for the future doesn't that put all the power back in her court? Thought the 180 said no talk of the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 16, 2012 Author Share Posted May 16, 2012 Just want to tell her I want a divorce...things is, if I get one its only going to.cost me more financially Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Just want to tell her I want a divorce...things is, if I get one its only going to.cost me more financially Then just proceed with D if that's what you want. No need to "talk" about it - just DO the action part. File papers. Have her served - IF that is YOUR INTENT! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 16, 2012 Author Share Posted May 16, 2012 Why are you saying it like that? YOUR INTENT Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts