Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 I hear ya and I will....I didnt mean anything bad by cocky...I am actually not cocky but years ago people would look at me that way just by the way I carried myself. Very confident I guess..I am the nicest guy in the world with a great peronality. When it comes to friends or people just met, I never have trouble and always have a lot of laughs with them. My problem was with how I treated ex's....Think that defect came from my pop! My mom says it all the time...Not that Im really nasty but I can treat my lovers with or should I say without respect at times....My wife says it all the time.Its all about you, Isnt it! thats what I guess I have to work on! A bit more respect and cosideration for my parter. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 I hear ya and I will....I didnt mean anything bad by cocky...I am actually not cocky but years ago people would look at me that way just by the way I carried myself. Very confident I guess..I am the nicest guy in the world with a great peronality. When it comes to friends or people just met, I never have trouble and always have a lot of laughs with them. My problem was with how I treated ex's....Think that defect came from my pop! My mom says it all the time...Not that Im really nasty but I can treat my lovers with or should I say without respect at times....My wife says it all the time.Its all about you, Isnt it! thats what I guess I have to work on! A bit more respect and cosideration for my parter. And you would find out exactly how to DO that when you DO the steps. But I'm noticing something... You are contradicting yourself. You are cocky - you're not cocky - its your Dads fault... Yadayadayada! Wen I act a certain way - it NO ONES FAULT BUT MY OWN!!!!!! I OWN my own behavior! Stop blaming anyone but you! That's half your problem! YOU did this to YOU! And that is exactly what I got from my 4th step - I was responsible for what I had created! And I realized I never needed to do things that way EVER again - unless I intended to create more messes of my life! you did this. Own it. And CHANGE IT ALL! If you are ever doing anything remotely similar to your old behavior - you better stop and consider what contrary action would look like - in order to get a NEW RESULT! And be consistent! And ask your sponsor to help you make good choices. Ask for help doing the step work. When YOU start trusting Gods plan - you won't wonder if things are going well - you will have EVIDENCE that they ARE going well! After you do the steps you should always ask yourself "how can I be helpful to anyone around me?" And always consider if you might be causing harm to yourself or to others - if you think you might be - you have no business trying to do what you are considering. No more harm to self or others. Lead BY EXAMPLE FOR YOUR KIDS! Genetically speaking - they have a high chance of becoming that alcoholic too... You need to SHOW them what it takes to change - to do the hard work necessary to STAY sober today and long term - and BE HAPPY ABOUT BEING SOBER. Lead by example what it's like to be content and at peace with YOURSELF - even when you think things are perfect - because when you think they aren't perfect, they ARE perfect in Gods world. It's always gonna be YOUR resistance that keeps you from growing and becoming happy. You have work to do - get busy! Did you work TODAY on step 4 for 30 minutes? If not - do it before you go to bed! And ask yourself the questions in step 11 - at the end of every day - to be accountable for the way YOU participate. The questions ask "was I kind and loving to all?" "did I keep something to myself that should have been shared with another?" THAT section should hold YOU accountable for what YOU DO or DON'T DO during the day. It also helps you sleep well at night if you start doing that step well. Let me know how today went for you - I'm hopeful you can change! Hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 24, 2012 Author Share Posted May 24, 2012 Hey Sunny Not trying to be a wise ass so dot take this the wrong way. Just searchig for answers....My question is, If everythig is gods will then why did I have a problem with alchohol which led me to this? Why did I lose my family which brought me such heartache? Is it because of y lack of connection with him? Because right now his will its pretty ****ty for me! Like I said, Not trying to be a wise ass just asking truthfully for a honest answer. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 Hey Sunny Not trying to be a wise ass so dot take this the wrong way. Just searchig for answers....My question is, If everythig is gods will then why did I have a problem with alchohol which led me to this? Why did I lose my family which brought me such heartache? Is it because of y lack of connection with him? Because right now his will its pretty ****ty for me! Like I said, Not trying to be a wise ass just asking truthfully for a honest answer. The chaos that has been created is a direct result of YOUR WILL! YOU did this! You've been doing it this way for a long time - this is part of "cleaning up the past" - it gets better as you stop thinking of YOU all the time (ego) - and start thinking of OTHERS! Think of honoring yourself and others! Think of how you can participate in life as a positive influence on yourself and everyone you come into contact with! Pray for OTHERS! Find out how to GROW positive energy bigger every day! To answer your question - how do you know? Well - how do you know it's light until you step out of the darkness? You need to find out how different things can be in the sunlight! I can tell you - it IS AMAZING!!! I don't worry about ME - I focus on others and how I can help them in a positive way! If there is RESISTANCE - THAT is my prompt form MY higher power that I don't need to be putting time and energy into THAT resistance! Gods world is effortless - a natural flow of energy! When you EXPERIENCE this for YOURSELF then you might understand how easy things can be - for now - all you've been trying is to get your way or your WILL. Follow your prompts - don't waste time and energy where someone doesn't appreciate the beauty of YOU. Start trying to help MANY people! You can be useful to complete strangers! That is the fun part! Look for good balance - which will feel effortless when you are working with a good energy flow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 25, 2012 Author Share Posted May 25, 2012 Help others like how? If no one is asking for anything.......I have always helped others like my neighbors. With their cars if they had a problem, etc...my one good friend has cancer so when it snowed I would take care of his driveway for him. That's the kind of guy I am. I've always been that way. Sometimes u don't get it in return when u need something.g which sux but what can u do? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 25, 2012 Share Posted May 25, 2012 Help others like how? If no one is asking for anything.......I have always helped others like my neighbors. With their cars if they had a problem, etc...my one good friend has cancer so when it snowed I would take care of his driveway for him. That's the kind of guy I am. I've always been that way. Sometimes u don't get it in return when u need something.g which sux but what can u do? Anyone and everyone. Everywhere you go pay attention if someone might need help. It will help you to think of yourself less often - it will make you feel like you are useful wherever you go. Pay attention. Connect with people - look into their eyes, appreciate the perfection of every moment throughout the day! You take a lunch? Pack extra! Ask around if anyone wants some! Open doors for people, pump their gas, help an old lady at the market, take your grocery cart back! Start adding goodness to the world EVERYWHERE you go! Smile at strangers! Know that YOU can affect the world in a POSITIVE way every day! Do it every day and often! Create MORE POSITIVE ENERGY AROUND YOU! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 26, 2012 Share Posted May 26, 2012 oh please ...enough. You are getting way off track sunny. Life is not like that Oh yes it is!!! And it's not off track - this is the life he COULD be choosing to live IF he does the steps thoroughly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 26, 2012 Author Share Posted May 26, 2012 ok guys lets not argue..Everyone has their opinions on whats right and wrong. Truth is, what works for one may not work for another....Everyone is different and live different lives. I am goig to see the kids tomorrow ad take them to the movies. My plan is not to really bother with her. I will call a cab to go there and get back from the theater. The only real botherig I will do is if she bothers with me which case I will keep it short. The more into convo and things with her the more it others me the next day. Sound like a good plan to you guys/gals? Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Par for the course, I lived with a man for 15 years that "thought" if he did good things for other people, he would hit the lottery. When he didn't, he came home and kicked us....so I got a dog so he could kick that instead. After he left, he told me one day on the phone, "you know a dog barks because it wants to be let out, so you just let the dog out. It wasn't you or the kids was it?" Umm...nope! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 28, 2012 Author Share Posted May 28, 2012 Hey guys! There was a bit of a chage in plans for this weeked. Instead of me going up there she came down. She text me last night. "Just wanted to let you know we are down here this weekend, I am going out tonight but the girls will be here tomorrow so you can see them" This message was at like 10pm at night. Why even mention your going out? Im not going to see them at 10pm. besides, I dont need her there to see them even if I did decide to see the then. Anyway, I know she went out with her sister for a few hours and came home kind of early. I went by to see the kids today and they mentioned aybe goig to governors Island. I was never there and figured it would be a nice day out so I just went with all of them (there was a group) and the kids.....I had a great time and was very happy and it showed....Truthfully happy! believe it or not! Anyway, By the end of the night she says I need to talk to you about something. Here we go again! She is mentioning selling the house or if I buy her out for $50,000.....Told her looks like we are going to sell the house cause I dont have a tree in the yard with 50,000 on it! I dont know if she is truely serious or trying to get a rise out of me! First I saw a message on facebook that she was going to atlantic city this weekend (obviously she didnt) Then we get the Im going out tonight message threw text last night. Now we are sellig the house..... I know I am jumping off the right track so you guys dont need to yell at me! It should be all about myself and kids and try not too think about what she is thinking. Ive been doing well. Just curious what you guys take is on this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 28, 2012 Author Share Posted May 28, 2012 Oh another thing I forgot to mention is, My wife and older daughter have gone home tonight. I have my younger daughter with me tonight staying over. Tomorrow we are both going back up to the house tomorrow so I can spend the day with them. My daughters have both been breaking my chops all day about fishing tomorrow. While the wife and I were talking I asked if she can drive us to the pier. she seemed to get a attitude and said see this is why I left! I said what the hell are you talking about? She said, You always expect so much of me..I said well your not pushing the car! She was ready to start crying I could see it in her eyes. Then she said, This is our problem! You never consider me and what my time is worth. I had to drive you everywhere etc etc etc.... I said I cant change the past. then she said yeah but it was your fault and you never admit it. I told her I never said I was denying it..All I said is that it was the past and I cant change it! I know what I did was wrong and caused problems but I cant change that now. All I can do is move forward. I dont get her at all sometimes! In regards to the house and child support. At what point would I be responsible for paying the child support and partial paymet on the mortgage? After legal seperation or divorce? Cause she did make it clear she would rather keep the house but just cant afford it. If thats the case why not just push for the legal seperation or divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 I'd stop asking her to drive you places. Take a cab or start using public transportation. Or ask a friend to drive you and you can pay them for the favor. When YOU have the kids - THAT is HER TIME for a break! Give her the luxury of that break. YOU make plans with the kids - you take care of all of it so she can make her own plans without having to drive you all over. She probably feels like you are one of her kids that she needs to drive around. It does get exhausting - especially if one thinks they may have a few hours to themselves. When you have them - don't ask her for anything. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 Par for the course, I lived with a man for 15 years that "thought" if he did good things for other people, he would hit the lottery. When he didn't, he came home and kicked us....so I got a dog so he could kick that instead. After he left, he told me one day on the phone, "you know a dog barks because it wants to be let out, so you just let the dog out. It wasn't you or the kids was it?" Umm...nope! I never said do good things for others to expect something in return. In fact - not expecting anything is part of the fun... Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 I never said do good things for others to expect something in return. In fact - not expecting anything is part of the fun... No, I know what you meant, just saying that not everyone understands this concept of doing without expecting in return. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 28, 2012 Author Share Posted May 28, 2012 I completely understad that..Everyone needs a break. Just figured a drop off and pick up wouldt be such a big deal so I asked. I know better from now on.... What is your take on the rest of what I said? Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 I completely understad that..Everyone needs a break. Just figured a drop off and pick up wouldt be such a big deal so I asked. I know better from now on.... What is your take on the rest of what I said? I agree with 2Sunny, when you have the kids, find other methods to getting around....let her have her time to herself without having to be responsible for you Hurts. On the rest, it sounds like she is weighing the options of keeping the house or finding something more affordable as a single mother, as well she should if it is her intention of moving forward with the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 Since you want the best for your kids - I think it's best to focus on leading by example. Show them what it looks like to be happy sober - and to BE that. Then offer your happy self to others - anyone really. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 Well thats exactly what I am doing Sunny....Kids come first everything else second. Day by day is getting easier except the fact that I will be moving back to my parents house in a day or so! Feels like I am moving backwards rather than forwards. I know the old saying is you have to take one step back to go forward. Still s**ks! Well I am going to take the kids out sunday and wont ask her for a thing. Next Wednesday, Her and I have plans to talk about the issue she brought up about me buying her out of the house...If it goes threw (which it probably wont cause I feel she is trying to press me or push my buttons) it would be great! Right now I am more upset about not being in my home with my kids and everything I have worked for the past 20+ years... Honestly, at this point I think missing my home, friends and kids outweighs me missig her. By the way today was our anniversary. I got no calls and made no calls. Thought it was really gonna bother me. It does a little but not hardly as bad as I thought it would... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 YOUR SOBRIETY comes FIRST! Without that - you are good for nothing. The other stuff is just details... And no need to go backwards - you always need to make decisions that keep YOU moving FORWARD! THAT is the ACTION part of the program... Are you finished with step 4 yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 hey hurts...have i missed something? Are you getting a divorce? Hey Coops That hasnt been mentioned aside for e throwing it out to her a few weeks ago. Nothing else was entioned about it. She approached me regarding the house the other day that she cant handle it and is thinkig of getting a condo if I buy her out. Thats where we are at at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 YOUR SOBRIETY comes FIRST! Without that - you are good for nothing. The other stuff is just details... And no need to go backwards - you always need to make decisions that keep YOU moving FORWARD! THAT is the ACTION part of the program... Are you finished with step 4 yet? Hey Sunny I am donw with 4 threw 8....9 is gonna be a bit rough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Hey Sunny I am donw with 4 threw 8....9 is gonna be a bit rough Great! Have you identified YOUR character defects and what they look like on you? Have you made the decision to DO completely opposite of your character defects? Do you know what opposite would be? Do YOU recognize when you are participating in character defect mode? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Why Coop?? Is the 9th step really that hard?? It's not hard - its when things start to really get great if he does his amends (to change - or - to set things right). It's really when things get back to feeling balanced if done thoroughly! Not handing too much power away - not trying hard to "force things" to get his way either! It clears the mind of the past so he can have more clarity and hear (and listen to) his intuition... I hope he keeps moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 my advice,. woo her Oh ya - like that's worked so far... Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 my advice,. woo her That is escaping the hard work...my exh...might have made it to step 6..the rest was my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
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