HUrts_so_bad thread

[trippi1432]

:rolleyes::rolleyes:Then lead us Obi Wan.....tell Hurts how he can win his true love back.

[William]

Address the thread starter, please. No sidebars about whose advice is 'better' or 'worse'.

[trippi1432]

Address the thread starter, please. No sidebars about whose advice is 'better' or 'worse'.

 

Agreed and thank you William...

 

It's not hard - its when things start to really get great if he does his amends (to change - or - to set things right).

 

It's really when things get back to feeling balanced if done thoroughly! Not handing too much power away - not trying hard to "force things" to get his way either!

 

It clears the mind of the past so he can have more clarity and hear (and listen to) his intuition...

 

I hope he keeps moving forward.

 

This step shouldn't be hard, my exH saw it as hard and couldn't do it..that is all I was trying to say actually. If he had made it though this step, I could have respected him despite his choices in life. Hurts, this is just AS much about you as everything you hold dear in your life. Do this as much for you as for the people who need to know it and move forward...where ever that takes you.

 

I think this will be my last post on LS, just because I need to get down to the business of living my own life. Hurts... Please do these steps, in the end you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain....if nothing else yourself.

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey sunny...I don't have the 12 step book. I am.only doing them from.the list...do I need the book?

[hurts_so_bad]

Agreed and thank you William...

 

 

 

This step shouldn't be hard, my exH saw it as hard and couldn't do it..that is all I was trying to say actually. If he had made it though this step, I could have respected him despite his choices in life. Hurts, this is just AS much about you as everything you hold dear in your life. Do this as much for you as for the people who need to know it and move forward...where ever that takes you.

 

I think this will be my last post on LS, just because I need to get down to the business of living my own life. Hurts... Please do these steps, in the end you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain....if nothing else yourself.

 

Hey trippi

 

Kinda hope you dont go cause I enjoy your posts to me But that is part of my shortcomings..Selfishness.. If you do decide to leave I wish you the very best of luck and hope all goes wel in your life from here on in....

[NXS]

Hey sunny...I don't have the 12 step book. I am.only doing them from.the list...do I need the book?

 

HSB, hope you're not turning into one of those AA fundamentalists... endlessly droning on about "character defects...steps... shortcomings... slogans... blah... blah... blah..." They'll just put more layers of crap onto you if you let them.

[hurts_so_bad]

Great!

 

Have you identified YOUR character defects and what they look like on you?

 

Have you made the decision to DO completely opposite of your character defects? Do you know what opposite would be? Do YOU recognize when you are participating in character defect mode?

 

character defects that I have are jealousy, insecurity, impatients, and ego....My sponsor is away in Vegas so I dont want to bother him with calling on his vacation so I will ask you. Ive asked god to remove my shortcomings but still feel like s**t! What else is in the process....I asked you earlier, Do I need the book or can I just work off the list like Ive een doing?

[NXS]

character defects that I have are jealousy, insecurity, impatients, and ego....My sponsor is away in Vegas so I dont want to bother him with calling on his vacation so I will ask you. Ive asked god to remove my shortcomings but still feel like s**t! What else is in the process....I asked you earlier, Do I need the book or can I just work off the list like Ive een doing?

 

Oh dear, you have turned into one of those AA fundamentalists.

[hurts_so_bad]

HSB, hope you're not turning into one of those AA fundamentalists... endlessly droning on about "character defects...steps... shortcomings... slogans... blah... blah... blah..." They'll just put more layers of crap onto you if you let them.

 

Nah I am my own man all the way. Just trying to do the right thing and whatever makes me feel better about me. I've taken a emotional beating the past three months and most of it is my own ego that's hurt.

[2sunny]

character defects that I have are jealousy, insecurity, impatients, and ego....My sponsor is away in Vegas so I dont want to bother him with calling on his vacation so I will ask you. Ive asked god to remove my shortcomings but still feel like s**t! What else is in the process....I asked you earlier, Do I need the book or can I just work off the list like Ive een doing?

 

You need a big book. But I will tell you to write out your character defects on the left side of the page. Then on the right side list what the opposite of your character defects would look like.

 

Then you make a conscious effort to participate from the right side character traits instead of the left.

 

It helps to start considering how we harm self and others.

 

It helps to understand what character traits got us to this point. And helps to have a NEW operating method (the right side).

 

For me:

 

Selfish ----> Giving

Whimpy. ----> Power driven

Manipulation. ----> No agenda

Self serving. ----> Serve others

Dishonest. ----> Truth

Exception to the rule. ---> Don't be the exception - follow the rules

Impatience. ----> Tolerance and compassion for others

Weak/Timid. ----> Strength

 

I want to participate in a way that affects the world for the greater good. I want to be proud of the person I have become. I want to help others (our divine axiom of the big book= we wish to be helpful).

 

When I'm inking of me = I'm likely to drink. When I'm not thinking of me - I never even consider a drink. I DO affect others... And I want it to be a positive impact if I can help it. I DO HAVE CHOICES.

 

I can choose to be sober no matter what the circumstances. I can also focus on helping others so I don't sit here having a pity party (which is what I used to do).

 

So - it's really about contrary action - and invoking CHANGE in the way YOU participate...with anyone.

 

Does that make sense?

Edited June 1, 2012 by 2sunny

[hurts_so_bad]

You need a big book. But I will tell you to write out your character defects on the left side of the page. Then on the right side list what the opposite of your character defects would look like.

 

Then you make a conscious effort to participate from the right side character traits instead of the left.

 

It helps to start considering how we harm self and others.

 

It helps to understand what character traits got us to this point. And helps to have a NEW operating method (the right side).

 

For me:

 

Selfish ----> Giving

Whimpy. ----> Power driven

Manipulation. ----> No agenda

Self serving. ----> Serve others

Dishonest. ----> Truth

Exception to the rule. ---> Don't be the exception - follow the rules

Impatience. ----> Tolerance and compassion for others

Weak/Timid. ----> Strength

 

I want to participate in a way that affects the world for the greater good. I want to be proud of the person I have become. I want to help others (our divine axiom of the big book= we wish to be helpful).

 

When I'm inking of me = I'm likely to drink. When I'm not thinking of me - I never even consider a drink. I DO affect others... And I want it to be a positive impact if I can help it. I DO HAVE CHOICES.

 

I can choose to be sober no matter what the circumstances. I can also focus on helping others so I don't sit here having a pity party (which is what I used to do).

 

So - it's really about contrary action - and invoking CHANGE in the way YOU participate...with anyone.

 

Does that make sense?

. Absolutely.. my question is how does it help me get over this s**t! Tired.of feeling the way I feel. For about the 4th time I cried today while my mom was with me. She told me go see someone. I refuse too. Why should I see someone if this is normal? If most people on this board have been threw this then its norrmal to feel the way I feel no? Angry, confused, questioning self worth......I think god is pissed at me too be honest! Maybe for all the **** I put her threw. I'm a good looking guy with a good build and great personality. The women den to run from me though! Can't understand it!

[2sunny]

. Absolutely.. my question is how does it help me get over this s**t! Tired.of feeling the way I feel. For about the 4th time I cried today while my mom was with me. She told me go see someone. I refuse too. Why should I see someone if this is normal? If most people on this board have been threw this then its norrmal to feel the way I feel no? Angry, confused, questioning self worth......I think god is pissed at me too be honest! Maybe for all the **** I put her threw. I'm a good looking guy with a good build and great personality. The women den to run from me though! Can't understand it!

 

Are you staying connected to your higher power? Are you paying attention to the prompt that God sends you - and acting on those prompts?

 

Are you focused on others instead of yourself? As long as you stay focused on you - it will feel like a pity party. Ask others how YOU can be helpful. Stop focusing on you... Then it gets better! The ego gets smaller because you're - then - not thinking so much of self!

 

People "feel" energy... This is a start to try and grow positive energy bigger! It is more attractive to experience a happy person than a miserable person.

[NXS]

. Absolutely.. my question is how does it help me get over this s**t! Tired.of feeling the way I feel. For about the 4th time I cried today while my mom was with me. She told me go see someone. I refuse too. Why should I see someone if this is normal? If most people on this board have been threw this then its norrmal to feel the way I feel no? Angry, confused, questioning self worth......I think god is pissed at me too be honest! Maybe for all the **** I put her threw. I'm a good looking guy with a good build and great personality. The women den to run from me though! Can't understand it!

 

HSB, it's definitely normal to have all those feelings going through what you're going through but that doesn't stop people getting help and I think you should be more open to this. Moreso to have the space to talk to someone and see things more clearly rather than that there's something fundamentally wrong with you. You don't seem to have anyone around you that you can talk open/vent to in real life.

 

Two things that come across regularly from your posts are that you have problems making decisions, even minor ones, and that you often come across as immature. These could both be described as avoiding responsibility and this is one of the major things that's keeping you stuck. Now you're adding another layer by saying God is pissed off with you, again avoiding responsibility and coming across as immature.

 

If you want your life to start changing then you need to start being an adult by making decisions and being responsible for your decisions. This starts with the seemingly small decisions like making plans for what to do when you see your kids, and then taking the responsibility to carry them out without looking for your wife to take responsibility. This is what being an adult is about, stepping up to make decisions and take responsibility. It doesn't mean you get it right or that you try to be perfect, people fail/make mistakes all the time but so what?

[hurts_so_bad]

HSB, it's definitely normal to have all those feelings going through what you're going through but that doesn't stop people getting help and I think you should be more open to this. Moreso to have the space to talk to someone and see things more clearly rather than that there's something fundamentally wrong with you. You don't seem to have anyone around you that you can talk open/vent to in real life.

 

Two things that come across regularly from your posts are that you have problems making decisions, even minor ones, and that you often come across as immature. These could both be described as avoiding responsibility and this is one of the major things that's keeping you stuck. Now you're adding another layer by saying God is pissed off with you, again avoiding responsibility and coming across as immature.

 

If you want your life to start changing then you need to start being an adult by making decisions and being responsible for your decisions. This starts with the seemingly small decisions like making plans for what to do when you see your kids, and then taking the responsibility to carry them out without looking for your wife to take responsibility. This is what being an adult is about, stepping up to make decisions and take responsibility. It doesn't mean you get it right or that you try to be perfect, people fail/make mistakes all the time but so what?

 

I hear what you are saying but dont know if I would decribe it as inmature. maybe insecure.....I always knew what I needed to do and did it. this situation has thrown me for a loop and hasnt helped with my insecurities. I turned A journeyman at 27 years old..bought a home without my wife working. supported 3 children and her for 17 years. I make $51.00 and hr as a electrician, plus have a online business selling things on ebay......I always knew what I needed to do aside for my bad habits. Maybe that was my inmaturity.

Thats gone now. My being not sure of what to do or how to act in trying to win my wife back is my insecurity or uncertainty. Some people like to get kicked in the ass and others dont. It seems threw the years when I didnt give a crap she loved me. Now that I do she doesnt. So those thoughts are whats confusing to me...ie...should I tell her to go f**k off or be nice? Its a confusing thing....As mentioned in my old thread. I argued with her and told her to get the f**k out of here and 2 days later she was texting me with pictures of her ass which could only mean she was thinking of me, whether bad or good she was thinking of me!

Soemtimes i think maybe I should just act how I want to act and if thats not good enough. F**k her! but thats not what the 180 teaches...The 180 teaches to act exactly opposite of how you want to act or feel. So I am a bit confused on what too do.

[2sunny]

What did your 4th step reveal as your "pattern" - how YOU participated over the years? Your amends should be to DO opposite of THAT "old behavior" in order to "set things right" (amends = step 9).

 

You are looking to DO contrary action in order to make sure you don't have the life you had when you were actively "using/drinking". New behavior brings new results.

 

What exactly are you doing to that effect?

[trippi1432]

Hurts - you are missing something here....the 180 is not about going back and retroactively acting different than you have always been, it's not about totally changing yourself from how you ever were when things were good. It's about changing the behavior that got you here, to where you are now over time. That was making your wife responsible for everything, including making you happy in spite of her own happiness.

 

You said yourself in your other thread that you needed to be closer to your kids, so do that. It's thrilling isn't it? Finding something about yourself that brings an inward happiness that you forgot about?

 

The fact is Hurts...your wife accepted you how you were for a very long time, she is not willing to do that anymore. Change hurts sometimes. 2Sunny is giving you some very good advice, change starts within you.

[2sunny]

Get an artistic interest pronto!!! It's very good mentally to get your emotions out and onto something else! It is a great emotional release!

 

Look into an art therapy class!

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey guys!

havent posted in a bit because Ive been very busy at work. Havent had much time. Anyway, I went upstate yesterday to discuss the plan of me buying her out of the house...Good news is, It appears with 50,000 this is going to happen and I will have my home, friends, cars, and life back. Bad news is, It seems so final! We got to talking about how we got to this point and she mentioned many many things that made sense. She said, 3 times! Am I supposed to wait for 4,5, or 6 DWI's, You not coming home, gambling drinking, etc? She also mentioned the fact that she did leave me a few times threw the years for a week or two staying with her aunt in NJ....Nothing worked...She is right and I know.

 

The thing that bothered me the most with all this was my ego and the fact that I had to live out of my comfort zone. Truth is, she left me cause of me....It was bound to happen sooner or later if things kept on the way they did. She didnt leave me for this other guy...It could have been any guy! It bothers me thinking that she didnt have to jump right into the arms of another man but I know many women will do that for comfort.

 

Knowing this I now feel alot better about everything and myself. I know I am already a stronger and better man. I just hope that one day she may see that and maybe want to rekindle. Do you guys think thats possible? Its been close to 4 months now.... Or do you think its totally over?

 

Believe me, threw these past 4 months she has had plenty of reasons to not want to even bother with me at all but she still does. I do feel much better but it still does bother me that another man is involved with my wife! Thats just something I have to get over I guess...

[2sunny]

She's told you now that her boundary was crossed. That she no longer trusts you - your behavior - and that is healthy for HER given the history between you two.

 

Best for you to do your best and move forward.

 

Learn from your errors.

[hurts_so_bad]

Ok heres the story....I have the kids this weekend and the ex is going to pick them up today. My daughters were up at their friends house when I text them to tell their mom to pick them up at 10 oclock cause I want to watch the walking dead with them and have dinner...I few minutes later my daughter text me back saying she spoke to mom and mom said she already had plans to make them dinner and watch the walking dead and if i wanted to come she would pick me up....What do you guys think this means? i am just getting out of my rut and dont want to jump back in again so I said thanks but i am going to just relax at home.

 

It seems lately she is texting me much more often about the kids and the other night was texting me to ask if i got home ok with the snowstorm..

[2sunny]

It doesn't mean anything - other than what it is.

 

It's good you declined.

 

Might I suggest spending time WITH the kids while you have them...?

 

Don't read INTO things so much...

[hurts_so_bad]

They enjoy seeing their friends so what can I do...As long as they are here with me Im happy...I get to see them almost everyday after school anyway so its not a bad deal...

 

 

Never been to her apartment or invited so its kinda weird that she would ask.

 

Well I figured not to go cause I have come further in this past week then the whole year...Feel like I have a momentum going here and dont want to go back to square one! Thats why I declined..

[2sunny]

They enjoy seeing their friends so what can I do...As long as they are here with me Im happy...I get to see them almost everyday after school anyway so its not a bad deal...

 

 

Never been to her apartment or invited so its kinda weird that she would ask.

 

Well I figured not to go cause I have come further in this past week then the whole year...Feel like I have a momentum going here and dont want to go back to square one! Thats why I declined..

 

That's good to hear! Good work!