HUrts_so_bad thread

[2sunny]

Why are you saying it like that? YOUR INTENT

 

Just want to tell her I want a divorce...things is, if I get one its only going to.cost me more financially

 

Because IF it's your intent - then you are doing things (action) based on YOUR INTENT... No floundering around in the waves of emotions (back and forth) based on HOW SHE FEELS at any given moment.

 

She doesn't act like a wife hat intends to reconcile... So you may as well give her what she wants based on her way she's participating.

[2sunny]

You'd benefit from sticking to a schedule.

 

Same AA meetings each day

 

Doing step work with your sponsor every week or several times a week

 

Visiting the kids each week on same day - same ime

 

Sending your W her check same day each week

 

All things that make you predictable and consistent! Then no need to correspond with W - she should KNOW what to expect or not to expect based on your consistent patterns!

 

No need to talk!

[hurts_so_bad]

I am here now and did a little snooping! doesnt appear she has much going on at all as far as match.com which is a good thing...I am bad I know.. told her to stop mentioning to people that I am not giving her enough money and she denied it....I know she did cause she told my mom...seems like she wants to talk a lot of s**t but not too me. I told her if you want more money than give me what I want. she asked whats that? I said in a calm voice, A divorce. she really didnt say much afterwards and we went in the yard and talked about the kids and the problem with my sons gonja habit. I then ordered pizza she went upstairs to lay on the bed in the same position she did the last time but this time i stood away from her. she is sleeping now thats why I am on.

[2sunny]

I am here now and did a little snooping! doesnt appear she has much going on at all as far as match.com which is a good thing...I am bad I know.. told her to stop mentioning to people that I am not giving her enough money and she denied it....I know she did cause she told my mom...seems like she wants to talk a lot of s**t but not too me. I told her if you want more money than give me what I want. she asked whats that? I said in a calm voice, A divorce. she really didnt say much afterwards and we went in the yard and talked about the kids and the problem with my sons gonja habit. I then ordered pizza she went upstairs to lay on the bed in the same position she did the last time but this time i stood away from her. she is sleeping now thats why I am on.

 

Talk talk talk... No resolve.

 

Stop snooping! And get home. She went to sleep to avoid having to interAct with you.

 

Your actions aren't consistent one bit.

[hurts_so_bad]

Talk talk talk... No resolve.

 

Stop snooping! And get home. She went to sleep to avoid having to interAct with you.

 

Your actions aren't consistent one bit.

Not consistant? I told her what I wanted and

We talked civil for about a hour and a half. What's wrong with that? If she didn't want to talk to me she wouldn't have in the firat place. As for getting home, I am not going to take a bus for a hour and a half then a train for a hour to get back home at 11:30pm when I have to be up at 5:30am for work. After all its my house and i can do what i want. If i want to hang with my girls, which I did that what I will do instead of taking a 2-1/2 bus and train ride home which is retarded! I have to be there again Sunday for the court monday morning. Sunday I am going to tell her I am going to come up every Sunday to see the kids and give her a check. consistant enough?

[coopster]

I told her what I wanted

?

 

OH hurts... IS it what you want??

 

Because IF it is, then don`t say anything to her.

 

Like sunny said...just serve her the papers.

 

Think you were more trying to scare her into saying what she wants?

[hurts_so_bad]

OH hurts... IS it what you want??

 

Because IF it is, then don`t say anything to her.

 

Like sunny said...just serve her the papers.

 

Think you were more trying to scare her into saying what she wants?

 

Yes I was...u hit the nail on the head.

Of course I dont want a divorce. Ive been saying it since the old thread, but i want to give her something to think about. Try to give het the idea that I don't want it anymore. I do not want to ask her if her intentions are to get back in the future cause it gives her the power of knowing I want her back. There is no right or wrong way I guess! Bit gotta try something. Divorce is not an option right now. I don't have the money for the lawyers even if I wanted one. I know someone will chime in to do it myself....lol....until u live in ny and actually see the paperwork, u have no idea what's involved!

[2sunny]

You show evidence of being very unstable. You are all over the place - consistently!

 

Get counseling! You need to show actions and words that match - for the long term!

 

And you need a solid foundation about what YOU are about all on your own!

 

Get help! You don't understand enough about how to be/stay strong on your own.

 

And you obviously aren't willing to find out what that looks like the "free way" ( the steps and the big book). So pay a counselor to guide you through this growing period and adjustment that's inevitable.

[2sunny]

Yes I was...u hit the nail on the head.

Of course I dont want a divorce. Ive been saying it since the old thread, but i want to give her something to think about. Try to give het the idea that I don't want it anymore. I do not want to ask her if her intentions are to get back in the future cause it gives her the power of knowing I want her back. There is no right or wrong way I guess! Bit gotta try something. Divorce is not an option right now. I don't have the money for the lawyers even if I wanted one. I know someone will chime in to do it myself....lol....until u live in ny and actually see the paperwork, u have no idea what's involved!

 

That stack of papers is in most states. Yep - people who DO get divorced actually fill out those papers! People do it every day!!!

 

And yes, you DO have the money for the filing fee... If you are headed back to work - you have the money... You just don't have THAT as your priority.

 

People without money to pay the $400 filig fee FIND WAYS to make it happen!

[hurts_so_bad]

That stack of papers is in most states. Yep - people who DO get divorced actually fill out those papers! People do it every day!!!

 

And yes, you DO have the money for the filing fee... If you are headed back to work - you have the money... You just don't have THAT as your priority.

 

People without money to pay the $400 filig fee FIND WAYS to make it happen!

 

 

$400 is nothing! I make 4 times that a week. Its the $4000 for a lawyer I am worried about! I had the papers in my hand...Its easier said then done. There may be a stack in every state but when one state has questions in chinese compared to one in english makes it alot more difficult! trust me when I tell you...There were questions on those papers that I had no idea what they were talkig about! I dont have the time or patients to look up on the internet or wherever to figure out each item,Thats why I am not a lawyer and need a lawyer...

 

As far as being Unstable, What would you expect me to be? I just broke up with a women I was with for 20 years...Am I supposed to be just happy about it and feel like all is well..I think anyone in my situation would be the same or worse. Anyone who cared anyway. I dont need counseling! I need time to get over it. Thats all...My situation isnt like many thats what makes it harder and its understandable. I have no license, no apartment of my own, and very few friends here...Its not the normal situation...

 

I am going to court on Monday about the license and I already feel like 40% better in hoping he will approve it. That there will be a huge burden off my back and give me the freedom I need to do what I want when I want which will make me feel better. Right now I am stuck. Thats the bottom line.

[2sunny]

I understand - I was with my exH 23 years.

 

For now you don't need the atty...

 

When you're at the courthouse Monday - stop in or make an appointment to the dept that HELPS you fill out those forms. You only need to read and answer the English questions. Ignore the other languages if you speak English.

 

And I disagree - a counselor or the step work would help you sort out what you do or don't want. But people can't help you if you don't ask for help.

[hurts_so_bad]

I understand what you are saying and appreciate the help you are giving but the truth is I know what I want. I want my wife and family back no matter what the past was. With the amount of times I f**ked her over I can understand her position now...Not saying it doesnt hurt and I am happy about it but if there is still a chance to reconcile I will... We did what we did. Its done!

 

I know it may seem I am all over the place with the things I say. The truth what I want and what I am telling her are two different things! I only wanted to serve her with the papers to scare her....Games I guess to see if she folds or stands tall. I refuse to ask her her position on if we are getting back together cause I feel it puts the power in her hands again knowing I want her back. All and all to me its still a game.

 

 

The 180...Waiting, no contact, no emotion, is all designed in hopes the person you willll start to think you are moving on and want you back. People tend to want what they cant have and thats the idea of that.....The take care of yourself etc etc is designed to boost your own confidence in the event they dont. Its all a phycological game. Maybe the games I have been playing are a bit extreme but I am very impatient! Maybe thats what I need to speak to someone about! lol...

 

I told her very calmly yesterday stop telling people our business about cash funds..If you want more money give me what I want and you will get more money. She asked what do you want? I said, A divorce. She stood silent then said well we would have to be seperated for a year first. I said not when infidelity is involved, she said What infidelity? Then we took the conversation into the yard which ended up about the kids and things like that. I sort of pushed the issue and mentioned maybe a mediator and she had nothing to say about that...So I guess I am kinda testing the waters...

 

 

There is no right or wrong answers in all this mess cause every person is different. What may work on one person may not work on another so its really hard to tell without testing the waters a bit. I could be wrong but thats what I think.

[2sunny]

You arent being honest at all then.

 

Stop threatening D if that's not your intention.

 

Stay quiet and heal yourself until you know what the future holds.

 

And stop engaging in those stupid arguments! First rule of engagement is do not engage.

 

You are doing this to yourself by continuing to fuel the fire of deceit.

 

Parent your kids directly at this point! You don't need her approval.

 

Only speak to the kids.

[hurts_so_bad]

Dude she was tired..She was yawnig since she walked in the door. She is going out alot with her girlfriends and running herself ragged and working full time. The girl has a plastic valve in her heart from her second heart surgery and thinks she can just do what she did when she was 20 years old..

She didnt go to sleep cause I was boring her...The conversation we had was not all about divorce. We were talking about the kids and other stuff for the most part. She went to lay down and fell out. When she got up she apologized and said I didnt mean to sleep that long. I said hey if your tired your tired. You gotta sleep...

 

I honestly didnt care. Saying that I am boring her puts fuel on the fire though. You have no idea what she was thinking so how could you say that?

When we were together and I came home from work. If I went to sleep did it mean she was boring me? no...So com'on with that!

 

I understand the no communication that your getting at but isnt that going to show her I have hard feelings toward her?

Is that really the message I want to send?

[hurts_so_bad]

You arent being honest at all then.

 

Stop threatening D if that's not your intention.

 

Stay quiet and heal yourself until you know what the future holds.

 

And stop engaging in those stupid arguments! First rule of engagement is do not engage.

 

You are doing this to yourself by continuing to fuel the fire of deceit.

 

Parent your kids directly at this point! You don't need her approval.

 

Only speak to the kids.

 

I understand what you are saying. Like I said, I am impatient..Maybe I do need to stop the BS trying to push her or scare her into submission...About the no contact thing though...If she is friendly with me shouldnt I be back? I mean isnt that the first step? If she is nice to me shouldnt I be nice back? Or am I giving the wrong message?

[hurts_so_bad]

One way or another it will all work out whether we are back or not. Like I said, I feel alot better since I know I am seeing the judge Monday in hopes he cuts me a break. I get that license back I will be 75% betterI can guarantee it! no Freedom is the biggest issue for me right now. I feel like I am in jail! With the car back I can take a ride if I am upset, go to the shore, Visit old friends that no longer live in this area, etc.....Once I have that freedom I will be good to go! I just hope I get it! keep your fingers crossed for me guys! please!

[trippi1432]

Hurts - if she is being nice, yes, be nice back.....none of the 180 is about being hurtful to each other, the hurt is and was already there, which is why you are both at this juncture.

 

Getting yourself together is the #1 most important thing....not pushing for the divorce or pushing for a reconciliation to try and get a result. Getting the license back, staying on the AA path and going to the meetings....all these things that you have been doing. They are to make her notice the good side of how things were and how you can be a better man.

 

I fear the wrong message now may be that you told her calmly that you want a divorce, when it really IS NOT YOUR "INTENT". That has as much power to push her away as it does to pull her to you. It's a gamble....hope your luck is with you.

 

Good luck on the license.

[hurts_so_bad]

Hurts - if she is being nice, yes, be nice back.....none of the 180 is about being hurtful to each other, the hurt is and was already there, which is why you are both at this juncture.

 

Getting yourself together is the #1 most important thing....not pushing for the divorce or pushing for a reconciliation to try and get a result. Getting the license back, staying on the AA path and going to the meetings....all these things that you have been doing. They are to make her notice the good side of how things were and how you can be a better man.

 

I fear the wrong message now may be that you told her calmly that you want a divorce, when it really IS NOT YOUR "INTENT". That has as much power to push her away as it does to pull her to you. It's a gamble....hope your luck is with you.

 

Good luck on the license.

 

Hey trippi good to hear from you!

 

Thanks by the way on everything you said! I think many people think I am nuts when its just misunderstood. I think you get the picture on what I am trying to do whether you agree with it or not, You get it. She has done the same to me in the past though as well, With threatenig to sell the house and horses**t like that. So I think it will be all taken with a grain of salt in her eyes especially if she truely doesnt want a divorce.

 

A few weeks ago it was hard to see her but things have changed the past week and its not really bothering me much anymore so I see no reason for no contact at all. Now That doesnt mean Im going to call her, It just means when I see her I will be friendly if she wants to be. I do agree though from now on I will keep my mouth shut. I thought about it and if I push for the divorce and she agrees its only going to cost me more in the long run and kill any chance of reconcile that might have been if we didnt jump too fast. I will just let things be how they are for now.

 

My problem was being so afraid of getting screwed if she finds someone else so I am trying to push things with mind games to avoid that. Who knows? I may be the one a few months or later down the road who doesnt want it when she does.... Like someone said o the other thread, The book is still being written. Thats how I have to look at it.

 

From here on in, I will see the kids every sunday and bring a check for her.

Let it ride from there..I just hope and pray the judge does the right thing for me! If he does everything will change dramatically! A week ago I was laid off with no license and living with my brother in law. This week I am back to work and hopefully will be applying for my license next week! Thats 2 down! One to go!

 

Thanks for wishing me luck! Good to hear from you!

[2sunny]

Hurts - if she is being nice, yes, be nice back.....none of the 180 is about being hurtful to each other, the hurt is and was already there, which is why you are both at this juncture.

 

Getting yourself together is the #1 most important thing....not pushing for the divorce or pushing for a reconciliation to try and get a result. Getting the license back, staying on the AA path and going to the meetings....all these things that you have been doing. They are to make her notice the good side of how things were and how you can be a better man.

 

I fear the wrong message now may be that you told her calmly that you want a divorce, when it really IS NOT YOUR "INTENT". That has as much power to push her away as it does to pull her to you. It's a gamble....hope your luck is with you.

 

Good luck on the license.

 

I agree with all you said.

 

But it also makes the assumption that he is DOING the AA program... Just going to meetings isn't DOING the steps that are outlined in the book.

 

Have you done ALL your steps with a sponsor yet? Are you currently doing your "maintenance steps" - steps 10, 11 and 12 DAILY? Are you doing step 12 by sponsoring another alcoholic? Are you doing random acts of kindness for others? Are you praying daily for OTHERS (not for yourself) ?

 

What part of the AA program have you done so far?

 

Doing ALL your steps will change EVERYTHING! Especially your perspective and the way your participate with others...which would be a good thing. You would have EVIDENCE that trusting your higher power works waaaayyyyy better than all your self will!

 

Your self will - well that looks like how you're living now. A lot of effort and an outcome you try hard to control and manipulate (character defects = steps 6&7).

 

Please provide info as to what work you have or haven't done in the AA program...

[hurts_so_bad]

I agree with all you said.

 

But it also makes the assumption that he is DOING the AA program... Just going to meetings isn't DOING the steps that are outlined in the book.

 

Have you done ALL your steps with a sponsor yet? Are you currently doing your "maintenance steps" - steps 10, 11 and 12 DAILY? Are you doing step 12 by sponsoring another alcoholic? Are you doing random acts of kindness for others? Are you praying daily for OTHERS (not for yourself) ?

 

What part of the AA program have you done so far?

 

Doing ALL your steps will change EVERYTHING! Especially your perspective and the way your participate with others...which would be a good thing. You would have EVIDENCE that trusting your higher power works waaaayyyyy better than all your self will!

 

Your self will - well that looks like how you're living now. A lot of effort and an outcome you try hard to control and manipulate (character defects = steps 6&7).

 

Please provide info as to what work you have or haven't done in the AA program...

 

Hey Sunny

I am currently workig on step 4 (personal inventory)and I do 11 (praying to improve contact with god) all the time..The rest will come in time. On another subject, The 29th of this month is our anniversary..Should I keep my mouth shut or say something to her? Thats a tough one too decide....I dont think it would bother me either way but I feel it might bother her if I dot and make her feel I dot care enough...The past few days have been pretty good and I am a lot happier then I was...Maybe because I went back to work and I have the court date Monday for my licensing....Feeling like things are starting to come together and find myself thinking alot less about her.

 

I also feel a sense of freedom....Just hope it works out the way I need it too! If it does I think she will definitely notice as well.

[2sunny]

Hey Sunny

I am currently workig on step 4 (personal inventory)and I do 11 (praying to improve contact with god) all the time..The rest will come in time. On another subject, The 29th of this month is our anniversary..Should I keep my mouth shut or say something to her? Thats a tough one too decide....I dont think it would bother me either way but I feel it might bother her if I dot and make her feel I dot care enough...The past few days have been pretty good and I am a lot happier then I was...Maybe because I went back to work and I have the court date Monday for my licensing....Feeling like things are starting to come together and find myself thinking alot less about her.

 

I also feel a sense of freedom....Just hope it works out the way I need it too! If it does I think she will definitely notice as well.

 

Just this alone tells me you need to connect more with allowing your higher power guide you. Since you say you need it to work out the way YOU NEED it to... THAT is self will.

 

If/when you get to a place of understanding that it's just the way it's supposed to be - and you are in acceptance of all of THAT - that's when things will become different for you.

 

Gods will is a much easier way to live. ;-)

 

If you're resisting - or if it's a battle - or if you're trying to get your way - that's not my higher powers will.

 

And you're missing the whole point of the program - which to help others and stop worrying about how you can "get your way" or even " get more for myself".

 

Things are just "as they are supposed to be - right now!"

 

Acceptance is the key.

[hurts_so_bad]

I hear ya and u are absolutely right but its a bit hard when my own ego is in the way of acceptance. This whole entire thing had made me feel insecure and ask myself if I am good enough as a man.

[trippi1432]

I hear ya and u are absolutely right but its a bit hard when my own ego is in the way of acceptance. This whole entire thing had made me feel insecure and ask myself if I am good enough as a man.

 

Ego and pride....I've written before how that gets in the way of most people despite gender.

 

What you are going through Hurts is no different than what anyone else here on LS has gone through. Continuing on a better path, working towards accomplishing getting your own personal life straight first...that will make you a better person for yourself, your wife if she chooses to remain and your children. Ego or not, the choice is yours. It's not about playing games to get your wife back...it's about working on YOU.

 

So...what do you do now? (and NO..the answer is NOT how do you get your wife to love you again...the answer is within YOU!)

[2sunny]

I agree with Trippi.

 

What are you offering anyone who is with you if you aren't your best YOU can be?

 

The the best YOU - YOU can be. Then it doesn't matter if someone is with you - or not! You're good to go either way...

[hurts_so_bad]

Nothing has changed...same ole same.ole....your right I am going to.keep my mouth.shut as this was her decision not mine. I actually thought about it after I posted and decided not too call or anything.