New Relationship Plan

[blueknight]

I have developed an idea for a new relationship that I call the "Dharma and Greg Plan." If your not familiar with the sit-com Dharma and Greg, its based on a couple that married on the spur of the moment at a chance meeting.

 

Before I explain what my plan is, let me give you a little background about myself. Im 35 years old and Ive been in my share of relationships thave have all ended, for one reason or another. I have lived all over the world and experienced a wide variety of societies and cultures. I have two bachelor's degrees and a master's.

 

My years of travelling, education, and work experience have all brought me to this point in my life. Basically my plan was this, find a woman that I was initially attracted to and find out about their past and general outlook on life. If they were compatible, I would explain the kind of relationship I was looking for and invite them to live with me and go from there.

 

To me, it appears that the key to a successful relationship isnt some long courting ritual but simply the people involved and what they are willing to do to make it work in the long-term. Once you have the initial attraction and you confirm that they have all four of the attributes listed below, how could the relationship fail if both participants were firmly committed to making it work?

 

The relationships that I have seen fall apart, whether mine or someone elses, usually resulted in one of the people involved not having one of the vital attributes or a lack of commitment to the relationship.

 

You may ask yourself "What about love?" Well to be honest, love develops as a result of everything I have talked about already. If you have all these ingredients love will develop all by itself. This helps with the commitment to the relationship.

 

The first thing I did was just be myself and find a woman I enjoyed spending time with and that was attractive on a mental and physical level. Your atypical dating scenario.

 

Next, I decided if the person met the following criteria of vital attributes:

1. Intelligent: Lets face it, if the person isnt above average in intelligence they just aren't going to be to handle this relationship concept or what is required to make it work.

2. Mature: It takes a mature way of looking at yourself and your partner for any relationship to work. You have to accept your own shortcomings and theirs as well and be truthful to yourself as to whether you can handle it or not.

3. Trustworthy: Lack of trust destroys any relationship. You have to trust and be responsible enough to be trusted. Also, you have to believe that the other person is as committed to the relationship as you are.

4. Experienced: Have they had failed relationships and do they understand "why" they failed. This relates strongly to their maturity. Have they reached the point in their life where they want to try a different approach to making a long term relationship?

 

If they met all four requirements to my satisfaction I explained what my "plan" was. If she agreed that it all made sense to her we would move in together.

 

I know it sounds like an overly simple plan, but thats the beauty of it. Ive been living this plan for the past year and before I report my results, I would like to hear everyone else's opinion of what they think?

 

Regards,

C

[sportsloving]

Basically my plan was this, find a woman that I was initially attracted to and find out about their past and general outlook on life. If they were compatible, I would explain the kind of relationship I was looking for and invite them to live with me and go from there

 

How long are you planning on taking to find out about their past and general outlooks? It sounds a lot like just good old fashion dating to me

 

1. Intelligent: Lets face it, if the person isnt above average in intelligence they just aren't going to be to handle this relationship concept or what is required to make it work.

2. Mature: It takes a mature way of looking at yourself and your partner for any relationship to work. You have to accept your own shortcomings and theirs as well and be truthful to yourself as to whether you can handle it or not.

3. Trustworthy: Lack of trust destroys any relationship. You have to trust and be responsible enough to be trusted. Also, you have to believe that the other person is as committed to the relationship as you are.

4. Experienced: Have they had failed relationships and do they understand "why" they failed. This relates strongly to their maturity. Have they reached the point in their life where they want to try a different approach to making a long term relationship?

 

Yep, this is what the dating stage is for, to answer all these questions

 

Dharma and Greg met and married within a week (I believe) and therefore they didn't spend any time at all finding out anything much about each other. They met, they collided, they married and they learned as they went. And if you happen to know how the show ended, it wasn't quite the wonderful relationship it was to begin with

 

Don't be trying to force anything. I don't believe you can "cultivate" Love. I think it something that comes and smacks you upside the head ... whether you want it or not. LOVE should have a lot to do with the person whom you want to share your life with. Without Love, there doesn't seem to be much more than being married to a good friend ... and although it might be comfortable it isn't passionate

 

Good Luck

[moimeme]

Well actually, arranged marriages in fact prove that love can be cultivated - and passion can go right along with it.

 

We have an over-romanticized idea of love in the West. I've posted a great link on 'romantic' versus 'companionate' love which does a good job of debunking some of the myths.

 

BTW, Blueknight - all the good relationship books suggest that you look for those qualities in a mate. Well, maybe not intellect since not everyone needs a bright spark but certainly the rest.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by sportsloving

Don't be trying to force anything. I don't believe you can "cultivate" Love. I think it something that comes and smacks you upside the head ... whether you want it or not. LOVE should have a lot to do with the person whom you want to share your life with. Without Love, there doesn't seem to be much more than being married to a good friend ... and although it might be comfortable it isn't passionate

Good Luck

 

I think you can cultivate love, at least somewhat. I also don't believe you should force anything, but I believe you can decide what type of person you want to be in love with, and then look for that type of person. I don't feel like we need to pursue every feeling of love that "smacks us up side the head". I think this is how people wind up marrying the wrong person.

 

Blueknight, even though your plan seems a bit clinical, I think you may be on the right track. I'll be interested to hear how it turned out.

[blueknight]

Hello again,

 

I appreciate the feedback and postings thus far on my topic. Here is what has happened in the past year.

 

I met a woman in early May of 2003. We went out on a few dates and talked a great deal until June. At that time, I asked her to move in with me. She met all the criteria I set for myself and I was satisfied we had everything necessary to make the relationship work.

 

We are still living together and everything is going fine. There has really only been two major hurdles and issues that we have had to deal with over the past year. The first was her finding gainful employment. She relocted to where I live so that was an expected issue that I have had to deal with.

 

The second major hurdle was custody of her children. Back in November an incident occurred between her and the ex-husband which she felt was necessary to take custody of one of her sons. I said it was okay for her to do this and for him to start living with us. This has proved to be the single hardest issue to deal with in our relationship because it was never discussed as part of the original "plan" that she would ever have full custody of any of her children. The financial and time expenditures for this have been enormous.

 

Therefore, I would say the "plan" does in fact work so far, provided that there are no major surprises (such as surprise custody of a child).

 

Regards,

C

[sportsloving]

I am glad it worked out for you so far.

 

Good luck always with it

[linwood]

It may just be the way you are explaining it as a strategy but I don`t get any sense of passion love or intimacy in this relationship.

 

It`s as if you`ve found the perfect room mate, not a lover.

 

You speak of her son as if he`s an unexpected move in a chess game that you`ve managed to successfully alter your game plan for .

 

Like I said it may just be that you are concentrating on describing your plan and not the little details which will eventually be the aspects of this game that determine it`s success or failure.

 

Do you love her?

 

Does she love you?

 

How do you feel about this boy in your home?

 

Are you developing feelings for him?

 

What if she suddenly had to take custody of her other child, how would that affect the outcome for you?

 

Is there passion in this relationship?

 

I`m just trying to see the purpose of this experiment.

 

I understand that your 4 points are very important traits necessary in any relationship but long term "happy" committment cannot be established on them and them alone...I don`t believe.

[blueknight]

Originally posted by linwood

It may just be the way you are explaining it as a strategy but I don`t get any sense of passion love or intimacy in this relationship.

 

There is intimacy and passion in this relationship. In my opinion, thats the easy part of any relationship. At least it always has been for me. I agree its important, but not THE most important part of the relationship.

 

You speak of her son as if he`s an unexpected move in a chess game that you`ve managed to successfully alter your game plan for .

 

Its not a game, its a logical expectation of a mature relationship. You can live in a fantasy world where there is everlasting love and everyone is nice, but thats just not reality. This is the real world and it sometimes requires you to look at things from an unemotional point of view and be truthful to yourself and others. To pretend that something doesn't affect you is a very bad thing to do.

 

I`m just trying to see the purpose of this experiment.

 

The purpose of this is to find a mature and long lasting relationship based on the facts of today's world. Its not easy and its not always nice, but thats what it takes to survive.

 

Regards,

C

[HoldOn]

I see what blueknight is saying because I myself have had a "plan" to find my husband, but it wasn't quite as detailed.

 

I think he's probably pretty different in real life. Probably a little less regimented and logical and hopefully loving with his girlfriend.

 

I had a plan and it was basically to NOT settle. I had certain things I wanted in a guy... It was a long list, but here it is.

1.) Not married or divorced.

2.) No kids.

3.) His parents should still be married and he had a stable childhood.

4.) Very punctual and reliable.

5.) Have a full-time job with benefits.

6.) Believed in God, and would let me raise our kids in my religion.

 

There were probably more that I can't remember.

 

Oh, also, he was going to have to ask me out. I would not ask a guy out, because I wanted him to be interested enough to do some work to ask me out.

 

Hey, and it worked, I found a great guy, who was actually under my nose the whole time. He's very romantic and we are very much in love. So anyway, I see where this guy is coming from and I think he's probably just coming off a little cold in his written word.