Having An Affair With A Married Man And I Think He Wants To Get Caught!!!

[fanou22]

I started my affair about 6 weeks ago with my MM. He was not a friend. I met at work and I knew he was married.

I did not come on to him, he did. I loved the attention and the flirting.

 

One day he asks me to lunch and shows in interest in me. I asked whether he was expecting something from me and he said that he would like us to be lovers. I asked him about his wife and why he is even considering an affair and his reasoning was that she does not have any libido and he figured that for him to be happy he needs to fulfill that side of his life. Since his wife cannot provide it he will seek it elsewhere. He even told me that before he married her she was the same way -- not a very sexual person -- but she had many other sides and he loved and still does.

 

The twisted side to my story (I don't if you have read my other posts) is that I have herpes and I figured he will turn away from once I told him which I did before anything physical happened between us. I know you're thinking right now oh my god. He did not which made me question whether he had it also and he denied.

 

I had told him on numerous occasions that he will be exposing himself to an STD and his wife eventually will find out if I pass it to him. By the way I did not sleep around. I was dating one guy who I fell in love with so much I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Ever since he gave me herpes and I broke up with him, I haven't dated anyone else. That was 3 years ago.

 

Last week for the first time in 3 years I have an outbreak and offered him his way out of the relationship. Turns out that the week before his wife had a rash and she had to get tested for herpes. She is pregnant which makes the issue more critical. He swore that he hasn't slept with his wife since we started seeing each other. Her tests come back negative while her blood tests positive for the presence of the virus. Turn out him and his wife have the oral one while I have the other one.

 

What else to say except that most who read my post flip out.

I know that my relationship with him is going nowhere though he assumes that I will be here with him for a long time. I plan to move on with my life. I am quitting my job in a couple of months and hope that by that time I will have another job in a different city.

[confused8582]

Don't worry i'm not going to flip out...I had an STD once...chlamydia...that was about 5 years ago...although it was treatable a one...so I kind of know how it feels when ppl flip out.

[fanou22]

Confused,

 

I did send you a private message with my e-mail. I will try and send you an e-mail. I do not use yahoo messenger.

[kiababy]

I've been wondering the same thing as you......because I think deep down inside my MM wants to get caught too. His behaviour has gotten a little strange over the months. He's asked me take pictures of him (that I keep), he asks me to leave messages on his cell phone, then plays them for his BOSS and the other guys he works with......he talks about introducing me to them......

and the ultimate: when he gets drunk with his buddies he calls me in the middle of the night to 'please come and get him'.....I always say 'no, you need to go home', but one time his friends dropped him home and he called me from the sidewalk outside of his house, then a few minutes later from his couch...until she woke up (I guess), and dragged his drunk a** into bed.

 

I don't get it - he's already BEEN caught. The girl BEFORE ME - called his wife after he broke up with her and he said it was the worst experience of his life.

 

He does love his wife, that was established from day 1 and I have nothing against her...but his behaviour has gotten really reckless again....I wonder if he wants to force some kind of confrontation with his wife? I don't get it.

 

If you still feel like sharing (I've been reading the nasty replies you're getting), I would like to know what the 'signs' are that you've been seeing that he wants to get caught.

 

by the way, I started posting privately too, when an OW tries to express how she feels about whatever or heaven forbid wants an opinion......out come the claws and the comments like "what a loser", 'you're pathetic' and on and on. . .......

 

It's tiresome, repetitive and not productive in the least.

[Debster]

fanou22,

I am sorry you have herpes and I am not calling you a skank or anything like that for having an STD. However, you are acting very irresponsibly and selfishly. You have now infected your MM, his wife and possibly even his child. It makes me sick that you have risked the health of 3 people because of the 'attention' and 'flirting'. I know that he is as much to blame (or even more) than you but - my god- what were you thinking? Then you have the gall to complain that people flip out after reading your post. What do you expect? Rational people WILL call you on your inappropriate, selfish behaviour. Sure you get to move on with your life - does his wife and the innocent child? You are setting yourself up for some wicked karma.

 

confused 8582,

I am glad you are thinking about ending it and learning from the experience. It will be hard, but it opens you up to find so much more. I just hope that next time you have the strength and self-respect to not involve yourself with a MM.

 

Kiababy,

You're back and after reading a couple of posts, you seem as fiesty as ever. Your posts are becoming very angry - and I wonder why? What is going on? Are the blinders coming off and you're getting mad at being used?

While, I recognize that some posts are becoming attacks, I do think that posting privately limits your ability to get other perspectives. IMO If you claim to be as tormented about the situation, you should be willing to hear any advice - even some that may seem more hurtful than anything - just to get a better understanding of your actions and the results that could occur.

[fanou22]

I did not infect my MM and his wife.

He said that him and his wife have had cold sores for as long as he can remember.

 

I don't know if I made it clear in my earlier post but I had asked him whether he had something before we got physical and he told me about his and his W's cold sores. Her swab test came back negative which means no one was infected but her blood test came back positive which means that she has had the virus for a while if not a long time

[kiababy]

As always Deb I value your insights. I started posting privately because all I was getting was verbal abuse. I'm not a victim, I will fight back. However, one of the other posters told me the same thing you did, it's more productive to post publicly. But again, all I get is abuse whenever I express my feelings. There are very few people besides yourself, who can be constructive.

 

I have no problem with opinions but if they're all 'you're a loser', what's the point?

 

Nice to hear from you again. And I'll stop getting into fights

[Debster]

fanou22 -

I am glad to hear that you didn't infect them - but the fact remains that you could have. Especially since he got his wife pregnant. Obviously he is sleeping with his wife and not using protection. Ditto you. IMO, It is only a matter of time before you do infect them.

 

kiababy,

I have read some of the attacks and my heart goes out to you. While I don't agree with what you are doing, the attacks are uncalled for. I say ignore posts that just seem to be more attack-driven than anything else. If you attack back, it just gets worse.

You didn't answer my question though - why are you back? Welcome back, BTW. I'm sensing there is more going on and that you are looking for answers. Did something happen? Are you starting to see him for who he is? Are you starting to get the balls back to dump him?

[fanou22]

His wife is had been pregnant before we had a relationship.

It does not necessarily have to be a matter of time before he gets infected. At the same time, it does not mean that he will get infected for sure. I had spoken with my doctor who told me that the infection rate is between 3% and 15% when having an outbreak.

[Debster]

I don’t get it. Your posts contradict each other.

 

One of your first post was:

We started the affair being careful but after few times he insisted on not wearing one. I know I need to have open blisters to pass it on. Believe me I have read every publication there is to read.

 

and

I know you do not need open sore to pass it on. You do not even need to have sex. You can pass it on by touching someone and then touching yourself and I don't mean it in a sexual way.

 

In the infidelity forum, you posted:

Why would he risk his happy married life to be with me knowing that whenever I am shedding the virus he will have it instantaneously and that could lead to shattering his life?

 

Then you posted in the OW/OM forum:

Some of you have said keep it to yourself. I kept it to myself but in case you don't know this: YOU do not need sexual intercourse to transmit it. The medium of transportation is the skin so I guess that says enough.

 

And this:

He could get infected even when he uses a condom. Read any publication online and you would know very well that if he touches me when the virus is active in my body without necessarily having a visible outbreak, he could infect himself when he puts the condom on.

 

And

I am doing what I am doing. I am in this for the sex, that's all

And yes they do have children

 

The fact that your MM’s pregnant wife only recently came out and your new twist that there is only a 3-15% chance of infecting him makes me question your honesty.

 

What is the truth??

[fanou22]

I did not see the need to put it in there that she was pregnant.

 

I amazed at the time you took to read through all my posts. I came here to talk with people who are in a similar situation to mine. And every time I post something, I get attacked more than the other women.

 

Yes I can pass it on without having an outbreak. It is called shedding. Shedding only happens once a year and shows no signs. When Does shedding happens? no one knows.

 

Did I answer your questions now????

[confused8582]

Hey Everybody...glad to see evreyone is getting along...lol...I have done a bunch of thinking today and came to alot of conclusions...

 

#1 I will end things very soon

#2 I think I have learned all I need to learn from this situation

#3 I know now with everyone on this sites help that he definately wants to get caught...he just won't be getting caught with me!!!

 

kiababy,

Alot of the signs that you mentioned in your post I have had coming from my MM only he wants pictures of the 2 of us together...he wants to put them up in his office at work...he calls me when his wife is at home and in ear shot (I'm pretty darn sure of that...seeing that they have a small house together)...he told me he only told 1 person about us yet he talks about us in front of everyone....he tends to be more affectionate in public lately...taking me to places that him and his wife frequent (which of course he fails to tell me this until we are about to leave)...I know that he has had an affair on his wife before me...last year some time...in the beginning of our affair we agreed on a lot of things...well he is breaking a lot of the rules lately and I am freaking out!!!...lol....I have always wondered what it would be like to be the OW...and I am learning that it's not all that gr8...I like him alot but I don't love him...the one part of the agreement that I do hope we can keep is the friendship.

[Debster]

I came here to talk with people who are in a similar situation to mine. And every time I post something, I get attacked more than the other women.

 

First off, I don't think you'll find many people here who are in a similar situation. Your case is not just about being the OW. Plus I've noticed that only a handful of OW are agreeing with you. Most feel what you are doing is wrong.

 

Secondly, I was not attacking you. I just don't find your posts consistent and as a member, I have the right to question you on the validity and truthfullness of your posts. I have been lucky enough not to have to find out that much about herpes. I thought your posts were informative but I didn't understand the varied responses to how someone would get the disease.

 

As for saying you get attacked more than the OW, I am not surprised:

- you ARE an OW

- You admit to just being there for the sex

- You know that he is still having sex with his wife

- You are having unprotected sex AND

- You have an STD.

 

Dang straight you should be getting more stuff thrown your way than some woman who is too weak or lacks enough self esteem to get out of a bad situation.

[fanou22]

Then why is it called the OW/OM ??????????

 

It pisses me off when people attack me because I have herpes and not because I am OW.

It is understandable that we say what we want and people like you attack us. Just like you swap stories about your husbands and kids we come here to swap stories about MMs whether the married women like it or not.

 

As far as I am concerned, I am having the affair and enjoying it. I did not ask my MM to leave his wife or stop having sex with her. I will be the one leaving him one day. Though if you read the e-mails that he sends me you would be thinking that we are spending the rest of our lives together.

 

Debster, I will say that to you again. His wife was months pregnant before I started my relationship with him.

 

Would you like me to tell you the sweet things he says?????????????

[kiababy]

Confused, I will definitely look you up on yahoo - I can't give you my screen name here because I use my real name. But I'll send it privately, look forward to sharing. Maybe we can work this all out

 

Deb, I stayed off the site for a while because things got so nasty. And yes, I take my 50% of the blame. Then I started posting privately only and someone advised me that I would get more out of it if I used the public forum as it was intended. I'm back, and as imperfect as ever.

 

After the whole fiasco with him 'cheating' on me - what a horrible joke - we had a long talk and somehow we were able to straighten it out. Or maybe he just sucked me back in? But by the end of the conversation we were back to 'you're so amazing'....'no YOU'RE so amazing'...did you ever see that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry and his gf were so mushy that they were calling each other a stupid nickname? ("You're Smoopy....no, YOU'RE Smoopy....") I swear we start to sound like that!

 

Every time I think I see an opening where I could make a break for it, he surprises me by expressing his feelings for me and tells me how much he 'appreciates' me and how he feels bad that he can't do more for me and that I 'deserve so much more' ....yeah, he knows it. Now, when other guys express feeling for me I get extremely uncomfortable, even fearful and make every excuse to get out of the relationship.

 

I don't know why I let this ONE MAN have so much power over me!!!!!

 

It makes no sense - I'm older, more successful, have tons more life experience....I own my own home, car and have children already - I don't need anything from a man. I've never experienced any kind of addiction before this - I don't smoke, drink or do drugs.......he is exactly like a drug to me.

[d]

Originally posted by confused8582

Hey Everybody...glad to see evreyone is getting along...lol...I have done a bunch of thinking today and came to alot of conclusions...

 

#1 I will end things very soon

#2 I think I have learned all I need to learn from this situation

#3 I know now with everyone on this sites help that he definately wants to get caught...he just won't be getting caught with me!!!

 

kiababy,

Alot of the signs that you mentioned in your post I have had coming from my MM only he wants pictures of the 2 of us together...he wants to put them up in his office at work...he calls me when his wife is at home and in ear shot (I'm pretty darn sure of that...seeing that they have a small house together)...he told me he only told 1 person about us yet he talks about us in front of everyone....he tends to be more affectionate in public lately...taking me to places that him and his wife frequent (which of course he fails to tell me this until we are about to leave)...I know that he has had an affair on his wife before me...last year some time...in the beginning of our affair we agreed on a lot of things...well he is breaking a lot of the rules lately and I am freaking out!!!...lol....I have always wondered what it would be like to be the OW...and I am learning that it's not all that gr8...I like him alot but I don't love him...the one part of the agreement that I do hope we can keep is the friendship.

 

 

Originally posted by kiababy

Confused, I will definitely look you up on yahoo - I can't give you my screen name here because I use my real name. But I'll send it privately, look forward to sharing. Maybe we can work this all out

 

Deb, I stayed off the site for a while because things got so nasty. And yes, I take my 50% of the blame. Then I started posting privately only and someone advised me that I would get more out of it if I used the public forum as it was intended. I'm back, and as imperfect as ever.

 

After the whole fiasco with him 'cheating' on me - what a horrible joke - we had a long talk and somehow we were able to straighten it out. Or maybe he just sucked me back in? But by the end of the conversation we were back to 'you're so amazing'....'no YOU'RE so amazing'...did you ever see that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry and his gf were so mushy that they were calling each other a stupid nickname? ("You're Smoopy....no, YOU'RE Smoopy....") I swear we start to sound like that!

 

Every time I think I see an opening where I could make a break for it, he surprises me by expressing his feelings for me and tells me how much he 'appreciates' me and how he feels bad that he can't do more for me and that I 'deserve so much more' ....yeah, he knows it. Now, when other guys express feeling for me I get extremely uncomfortable, even fearful and make every excuse to get out of the relationship.

 

I don't know why I let this ONE MAN have so much power over me!!!!!

 

It makes no sense - I'm older, more successful, have tons more life experience....I own my own home, car and have children already - I don't need anything from a man. I've never experienced any kind of addiction before this - I don't smoke, drink or do drugs.......he is exactly like a drug to me.

 

 

Wow, first time to this site, so much insight. I have a similar situation, all the same things. I met a man 8 months ago, and never new he was married. I had asked him and he denied it. From the beginning we immediatly took to eachother, like we were just right together. I have never experienced love like this before. After a month of dating he wanted to see me more, he travels 3 weeks a month for business. He is very succssesful, and attractive. He starting asking me to travel the country 2 weeks a month with him, to stop working and just enjoy being alive, take it easy. What a situation, anyone women would be taken back. 3 months after dating and things going perfect, Valentines weekend he dosen't awnser the phone for a few days and my instincts told me to check up. By the way from the very start I met all his friends, did big dinners and all public places everything! So after this feeling Val weekend, I did a US search thing on him, highly recommended by the way- found he was married! My heart fell apart, i didn't tell anyone I was so hurt and embarrased. I guess i was trying to figure it all out in my own head so didn't confront him either- don't forget now I am not working and he is fully supporting me! But I am also now in love with him as well! so a couple months pass and one night while away on a trip i at night before bed tell him i know whats going on, he was shocked i found out. Told me all the things you said, like i wish i could do more for you, you deserve the world, your so beautiful and unselfish! He is well aware what he is doing to his family is wrong, he cried to me about how guilty he feels and that he needs to make a choice soon because he's so in love with me and just wants not for anyone to get hurt in this. He has 3 children as well under the age of 5, I never ever when i was growing up dream of a prince who was married and already had 3 kids w another woman. I mean I don't thjink thats the ideal, but it is happening to me! I still feel that I could have an amazing lasting relationship if he wasn't in an unhappy and unfullfilling marriage. He says that the marriage was the right thing to do for her parents and his parents, the ideal wife thing. I don't know what to do at this point i can't walk away but I can't stay like this or nothing will change. I am aware that what everyone involved is doing is wrong, i feel bad for his family and have expressed top him i won't stand or settle for this. Now the bombshell- I am 2 weeks late for my period- please help, any advice! I am so in love w a married man, and now may be pregnant, i would love to have a baby in my life, i can't bear the thought of abortion, but i also want the baby to have a dad. He sees his wife and children a week a month and holidays, its kinda like there already seperated but............. Please help

[kiababy]

There are a few women using this forum who have had children by their MM (Married Men)....look for the posts by 'Otherwomen' to start and read her sad story....you might have to go back about 30 days to find the beginning of her thread.

 

You're unique in that he actually supports you financially - making it an even tougher situation. We're all here looking for help and support but it turns out you have to take the constructive advice and do the 'dirty work' all by yourself.

 

Me? I'm a coward....still deep in my situation because I fear the pain of ending my 11 month relationship. One of the most useful and eyeopening sources of information into what is behind the 'other woman' mentality is in a link called 'Love Addiction'. I highly recomend it, it will give you a lot of insight.

 

p.s. you may get a few nasty posts regarding your story - ignore it, they are becoming far and few in between. There are a lot of incredible people here willing to put aside their feelings about the morality of cheating (always wrong - ALWAYS), and extend their kindness to help you through this.

[kiababy]

http://mysticcat.angelcities.com/reladdict.html

 

Please give yourself a couple of seconds to think about each 'symptom' before you go on to the next. Take care luv.

[Debster]

D,

 

I feel for you. You were not expecting him to be married and you got the shock of your life - and add to that the fact that you might be expecting. I know that you are probably hoping that he will end his marriage and end up with you, but I don't think the odds are in your favour. If he was truly as unhappy as he claims to be, he would have left her. Either that or he is a ball-less wonder who runs around molding his life to appease his parents. Not a real catch, either way. There of course, is the saying that once a cheater, always a cheater. While that may or may not be true it is something to think about.

 

Clearly this guy doesn't take his vows seriously and has no qualms about carrying on a double life. His friends, obviously encourage or put up with repeated cheating without saying a word. His job requires a lot of travelling where he can quite easily hook up with anyone. He is capable of lying and cheating. He may shed a few tears and say he feels guilty, but if he REALLY felt guilty he would either end it with you and work on his marriage or get out of his marriage.

 

Is this the kind of guy you want?

[kitten]

Thanks, for the advice, I need as much as i can get! you hit it on the nose, but what confuses me is that hes so sucssesful in every other part of his life why does he settle for this. He thinks everyone knows or says hey you have the perfect life and he dosen't want to let alot of people down. He worries if he leaves the wife and family will fall apart! Should he be the honest bad guy and leave or should he stay ,lose me and wake up in 10 years and say what did i do i'm still so unhappy. I know that i am the woman he has always dreamed of, he is his best self around me.He has expressed so much fear of divorce and spoke to his closest friends that are divorced and said to me, they survived, they didn't die from letting go- that was strange , he actually thought that the whole world would fall apart. And he's never home anyway he's only there a week a month and the rest of the time w me. I think his relationship with his children would probably actually benefit, I can't imagine the tension in that house for that week, knowing mommy and daddy don't seem right, and why does daady continue to leave us. So horrible! that's who i feel bad for! what advice do you or anyone have for me, I do discuss the issues with him, besides what i already say. I am smart to tell him its his situstion and to make a decision based on his feelings not his feelings for me.I have also said he needs to think about the children first and that him and i are friends first. I tell him i won't wait forever, something has to give but i also am not rushing him. We have been together now 8 months and 5 in which i have known. What's my time frame, what do i say and how long should i wait? HELP!

[Debster]

IMO, you don't seem to be grasping the reality of your situation.

 

I have also said he needs to think about the children first and that him and i are friends first.

 

What is the point of telling him to put his kids first? CLearly, the man is selfish and has no idea how to put anyone first - besides himself. Remember, this man sees his kids one week a month!!! As for friends first - who are you kidding? He is not your friend. He is your lover.

I tell him i won't wait forever, something has to give but i also am not rushing him. We have been together now 8 months and 5 in which i have known. What's my time frame, what do i say and how long should i wait? HELP!

 

C'mon. I'm trying not to be mean here, but do you really expect him to believe you now, all of a sudden have a backbone? You have known for 5 months that he is married and you didn't have the guts to tell him to shi% or get off the pot then (when you have anger on your side), but now you expect him to believe that you now have the strength to kick him to the curb? I call your bluff and I bet you he does too.

 

As I said before, not only is he a lying, cheating husband but he only sees his kids one week out of the month! Is this the kind of man you want to be with and have his kid?

 

I say leave him.

[kitten]

Originally posted by Debster

IMO, you don't seem to be grasping the reality of your situation.

 

 

 

What is the point of telling him to put his kids first? CLearly, the man is selfish and has no idea how to put anyone first - besides himself. Remember, this man sees his kids one week a month!!! As for friends first - who are you kidding? He is not your friend. He is your lover.

 

 

C'mon. I'm trying not to be mean here, but do you really expect him to believe you now, all of a sudden have a backbone? You have known for 5 months that he is married and you didn't have the guts to tell him to shi% or get off the pot then (when you have anger on your side), but now you expect him to believe that you now have the strength to kick him to the curb? I call your bluff and I bet you he does too.

 

As I said before, not only is he a lying, cheating husband but he only sees his kids one week out of the month! Is this the kind of man you want to be with and have his kid?

 

I say leave him.

I really needed to hear someone say that to me, so thank you. I would have responded sooner but he was here for the last couple days, romancing me like crazy, again! I know what i'm doing is wrong, and I am being selfish, i know this and yet am still here! You called my bluff and you win, I can't leave, better yet I don't want to. I have slowly built this situation w him and now feel as if I can't leave. Not sure if you read the first message I wrote somewhere under the other woman under username d new member, but it says the whole story! I didn't find out about the wife and kids until i already had strong feelings for him, so I have been trying to figure things out in the mean time, just haven't come to a decision and keep sinking further and further. I have never in the whole time w him have wanted to even look at another man, i am completly captured! He financially supports me beyond what is necessary, beautiful vacations and timeless jewlery. I am living everything i have ever dreamed of, and before you say it, i know the family! That's huge and i don't argue that! when were together, i guess because i have never seen her or the children, somehow in my head think they don't exist, maybe trying to block it out, i don't know!The other night we were having a romantic dinner at one of our fav outside resturants, and as we look into eachothers eyes, and holding hands he says to me- SHOCKED! would you ever want to be my wife if i wasn't married, he says i have pictured that for you and i? HOLY CRAP! I ALMOST FELL OFF MY CHAIR, then he says, he says he definetly would love to have more children and what were my thoughts on this? WHAT? Do you see what i mean! Then roses and a diamond necklace- All I have known off him since we have been together is utter connection, passion and romance. I have read the other chats and i don't know if my sitution falls into the same catagory, does it? Am i extremely selfish, blinded by love or really going to have the fairy tale ending? I don't discuss any of these issues with anyone, so happy i have people like you to give me input, good or bad it really helps, so thanks-

[fanou22]

Kitten,

 

You are in a tight situation. By spending so much time with you it is like you are his wife and his wife is the OW.

Has he cheated on his wife before??? Have you considered what you would do (financially) if he was to leave you??

 

I don't understand why the excuse is always the children especially when both parties are unhappy. You story is like soap operas where the wife knows he has a mistress but as long as they understand each other there is no need to divorce and let us keep the appearances. I know his wife doesn't know about but that is how your story looks to me.

 

No one can tell you to leave him. You have to want to. If you are happy then be it.

[kitten]

Yea, tight situation is a good phrase. As far as I know or assume the wife dosen't know officially, but like all women she has to suspect something, he's away 3 weeks a month! She would be strange if she didn't wonder, right?And to top it off, I feel as though he dosen't really try to hide it that much. As far as cheating before, yea I would say, he says he's always known that he shouldn't have married her, it was the right thing to do as far as he's concerned. She was the ideal type wife, the parents wanted it, he was friends w her brother in college etc....I know he feels he has come to a crossroad w me, because he's been w other women but never actually fallen in love. Strangely enough it feels great to know, and I know he's being real you can just tell. Now he is starting to believe he could possibly leave, but is it right or should he just stick it out w her and risk losing me. I have discussed things with him, especially over the last month and he has actually thought through the children situation, the assets the support the whole 9. In a way I love to hear he's on it, but at the same time I feel selfish to want him to myself. thoughts?

[fanou22]

I don't know what to say about the selfishness. I am in a no better situation.

 

All I can say is that he has got to want to leave for himself before it is for you. I know that sounds strange but you don't want to end up with someone blaming you for his marriage break up. He has to be fully convinced of what he is doing