time-off??

[luvusaint]

First, I would like to apologize for the length of this post. My boyfriend and I were dating for 4 years until he called for a time-out. Before you jump conclusions, please hear me out. He is the sweetest, most loving guy that you could ever imagine. All he wanted was for us to be happy. However, I always gave him a hard time when he couldn't come over. Even when he was tired from a long work day, I pressured him into coming to see me. When he told me that he was hanging out with friends, I would ALWAYS harrass him with a bunch of questions when he got home. Being the control-freak that I was, I told him that I didn't want him going out to bars 2 times a week. He told me that it was his free time and that he could do whatever he wanted. He was right, but I couldn't tolerate it.

 

He's lied to me only a few times to prevent my feelings from getting hurt or to avoid the 3rd degree hell that I would put him through. But I know for a fact that he hasn't cheated on me. He's not the type. I know because we were the best of friends for 2 years before we began dating each other. We were dating other people at the time we were best friends, and was open with everthing. However, our friendship was lost when I became a controlling bit#h when our relationship initiated.

 

We've fought constantly about my problem for all these years and I've made hundreds of promises that I couldn't keep. I guess it's because everytime we broke up, we would always get back together within the next few days. Furthermore, he's stuck with me for all these years hoping that I would change. But I didn't.

 

Now, he's calling for a break, not a break-up, so that he could be happy with himself for a change. I asked why couldn't I be in the picture and he said that when he goes out, he doesn't want to feel as though he has to be careful with everything that he does so that it will be of my approval or that he has to report to me all the time. He also wants to take this time to see if I can really change. However, he's told me that he can't picture his life without me and that he doesn't want anyone else. It's just that when we're together, we are the most PERFECT couple out there. We feel like soul mates. It's just that when we're apart, I always give him a hard time and #$@% up big time.

 

It's been 2 weeks now and I am a total wreck without him. My brain has been kicked into overdrive by thinking about how much he has done for me and so little that I've given him in return. We've talked a few times and when I tell him that I love him, he says that I don't know what love is. He says that love isn't just spending time with each other, but respecting and understanding oneanother. I told him that I will take this time to work hard on changing and that I will do everything that I can to salvage our relationship. The problem is, I have a feeling that he's not coming back. That's what I can't live with. Any advice or suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Thanks again for listening.

[Tony T]

I'm with your guy all the way. You may have blown it, only time will tell.

 

There are just so many times any sane, rational human being will return to a situation and have it be the same or worse. Even worse, you are fully aware of the problem and are seemingly unable to govern your controlling and suspicious nature. This is not attractive to him and he seems at wit's end. Again, there are only so many chances you can get.

 

There are no suggestions at this point. You seem to be unable to change your behavior. If he does come back this time, it will be his last and he will leave after a month or so and it will be over.

 

I hope you are able to get into counselling to get over the jealousy, control and suspicion issues. No man is going to enjoy that. You are not soul mates at this point. If you were, you would give him the space he needs to be himself, you wouldn't try to restrict his free time, you wouldn't have broken all those promises you made to him.

 

You have done everything a person can possibly do to destroy a relationship. You got so many chances. How many more do you want? If YOU REALLY LOVE THIS GUY, you will free him to find someone who will keep promises, let him enjoy his birthright to be free and trusted, and allow him to be happy with himself without having to break up with her to do it.

 

I feel you want and deserve to be loved by someone special. But for that to happen, you have to BE someone special to that person. Use this time to make major changes in your life and behavior so you can keep your promises. Your whole mind is bound with chains of control which must be broken. I suspect this stems from your childhood, perhaps chaotic, where you felt helpless and had no control over your destiny. A good counsellor can help you get through this.

 

I really want you to be happy...but it's not going to happen in your current relationship (if you want to call it that)...not without very major and long lasting changes on your part. Maybe the trauma of a breakup will be the wake up call you need to start a new life for yourself.

[Deejette]

A wise person once said, "If you love someone, set them free." If they come back to you they are yours. If they don't, it wasn't meant to be.

 

We all know what it feels like to be insecure. But no amount of reassurance can fill up the bottomless pit of neediness that some of us feel. A partner can spend his/her whole life trying to prove that they are there for their loved one, but it will never be enough. Even if they spent every day and night together, the suspicious and insecure partner will never feel it is enough.

 

That is why Tony's advice about counselling might be worth a try. It can point out to you how this fear of being abandonded has been running your life and affecting your relationships. When you really see this you will have some handle on how to stop this cycle of suspicious, controlling behavior.

I'm with your guy all the way. You may have blown it, only time will tell. There are just so many times any sane, rational human being will return to a situation and have it be the same or worse. Even worse, you are fully aware of the problem and are seemingly unable to govern your controlling and suspicious nature. This is not attractive to him and he seems at wit's end. Again, there are only so many chances you can get. There are no suggestions at this point. You seem to be unable to change your behavior. If he does come back this time, it will be his last and he will leave after a month or so and it will be over. I hope you are able to get into counselling to get over the jealousy, control and suspicion issues. No man is going to enjoy that. You are not soul mates at this point. If you were, you would give him the space he needs to be himself, you wouldn't try to restrict his free time, you wouldn't have broken all those promises you made to him. You have done everything a person can possibly do to destroy a relationship. You got so many chances. How many more do you want? If YOU REALLY LOVE THIS GUY, you will free him to find someone who will keep promises, let him enjoy his birthright to be free and trusted, and allow him to be happy with himself without having to break up with her to do it. I feel you want and deserve to be loved by someone special. But for that to happen, you have to BE someone special to that person. Use this time to make major changes in your life and behavior so you can keep your promises. Your whole mind is bound with chains of control which must be broken. I suspect this stems from your childhood, perhaps chaotic, where you felt helpless and had no control over your destiny. A good counsellor can help you get through this. I really want you to be happy...but it's not going to happen in your current relationship (if you want to call it that)...not without very major and long lasting changes on your part. Maybe the trauma of a breakup will be the wake up call you need to start a new life for yourself.