Spying on spouses, & 'exposing'

[justanothergirrl]

After reading an infidelity forum on another site, I am so disgusted by the pack mentality, & everyone jumping on board to encourage the posters to take ridiculous measures.

 

Spouses there think it’s okay to ‘spy’ on their partner, using every method from snooping on phones, emails, facebook, & bills, to using keyloggers, phone spyware, voice-activated recorders, data recovery, & private investigators. There is an IT forum on this site that doesn’t open til you reach 50 posts, but gives you many options for spying on your partner. If you are that jealous & paranoid, why not simply end the relationship rather than going to great lengths to invade someones privacy?!! Sometimes, even with these measures, there is nothing happening, but the spies still don’t believe it

 

The other issue is these posters thinking it’s their duty to ‘expose’ an affair to a betrayed spouse – several posts I have read were in regards to co-workers etc -people they didn’t even really know, & the ‘affair’ was more-or-less hearsay!!! My opinion - MYOB!

 

One of the worst posts there at the moment goes as follows

 

*Husband has lots of friends of many years, from high school & college. Some are currently best friends (male), others he hasn’t seen in a long time, but keeps in touch with, including one female (married

 

*Wife snoops through H’s phone at Christmas, nothing bad, but she sees a text to female friend. H takes phone off wife.

 

*W spends next 4 months snooping through H’s emails, facebook, puts voice-activated recorders around the house & car, & installed spyware on his work-issued phone. She still finds nothing bad

 

*Husband goes on his annual weekend trip to Vegas with 4 male friends. Female friend also goes on a trip with 3 female friends to Vegas. They all booked separately, stayed in different hotels, made different plans, but as all people knew each other from highschool, they all 9 met up one night for dinner. There was nothing inappropriate, no ‘hooking up’ or similar, & all returned to their own hotels & rooms. All of this was evidenced by the wife’s spying

 

*It was a bit impromptu - H’s friend’s were not in on ‘planning’ this group reunion dinner, & H did not tell W it may be taking place. Frankly, with her insecurity levels, I would not say anything either! (& she says later she would have not ‘allowed him to go’ if she’d known)

 

*Wife discovers the dinner event through spying on his emails etc. Demands marriage counseling (which they start attending) 2 years of work phone records (which he tried to comply with, & got as much as he was able) He also allows her to check his phone, facebook etc on demand, & offered up voicemails – he has nothing to hide, although she is adamant that he admit to something that he hasn’t done

 

*Buoyed by the pack of Betrayed Spouses, Wife contacts husband of female friend, & tells him of ‘the affair’ although there is absolutely zero evidence of such

 

*Wife also contacts several other wives of his male friends from the weekend (who she does not know at all) to tell them of her own husband’s non-existent ‘affair’ & inform them that THEIR husbands were also dining with *gasp* females (that they went to school with)

 

*One of the wives, misinformed by W about an innocuous group dinner, & ‘the affair’, (& seemingly similar paranoia levels as W) is considering divorce, told her parents & the situation has caused a huge family rift

 

*Female friend called the Husband, after W called her husband. W had a voice recorder in her H car to capture it all. The hour-long conversation was painstakingly transcribed by W in a post over several days, & included the tones of voice used, & her own (twisted) notes)

 

*The transcription had absolutely nothing incriminating at all, in fact it was the complete opposite – the entire flavor of the conversation was one that could have been with a platonic male friend. He knew he had done NOTHING at all wrong or inappropriate, but W absolutely would not believe it

 

*By page 10, there WERE some smart betrayed spouses who were saying this was not an affair at all, simply someone apologizing & discussing with a friend why his W would do this

 

*In the transcription H says she is being irrational, totally unfounded in her thoughts etc, & later says she is acting crazy, & said a few things a little harsher (but all very true!!!) – the BS pack get back on again saying how disrespectful this is, red flags blah blah blah

 

*Wife now wants to contact EVERY other spouse of the group that met up fro dinner (& she is backed up by about half of the BS squad), & call female fiends hubby again to let him know about the call- even though it is now obvious that nothing innapropriate went on between ANYBODY

 

 

So, all in all, I’m thinking these infidelity forums, while helping some, can also create paranoia, dramas, dissolve trust & break up relationships. The standard advice seems to be ‘spy’ on your partner, tell other people (whether it’s actually the truth or not)

 

For the record, I have been on both sides of the fence, cheated on in 2 long-term relationships – I also cheated in my last, & broke up when I realized this was not the person I could be with the rest of my life -& no, there was/is no one else involved when I made that decision

 

Wondering what everyone else’s take is on this whole dobbing & spying thing is?

Edited May 1, 2012 by justanothergirrl
remove copy/fonts

[Philosoraptor]

If you don't trust your spouse to this level you shouldn't be with them anyways. If I was him I would file for divorce as she is likely to continue this rampage in the future even if he clears his name in this situation.

[Radu]

Can you link this thread ?

[flyaway]

I know which forum you're talking about. Not naming names.

 

To be honest, I'm torn. I am not for snooping at all but for SOME situations, I can warrant it. And not just a trip to Vegas would do me in either, even though I find that iffy.

 

But the fact is, many of these spouses on these boards (I've read them) either have suspected something was going on for a long time OR they have had the spouse cheat on them before. Sorry, but I think once you cheat in a relationship and admit to it, the other spouse can "check up on you" if they want. You broke the trust, you deal with it.

 

Usually, if you read, you'll see that these spouses HAVE talked to their husbands but the husbands deny, deny, deny, deny.

 

It's easy to say "LEAVE!!" but when you have a house and kids, you can't just do that. At the very least, you should find the truth so you can take to divorce court and get the money/assets you deserve if cheating did indeed take place.

 

These are many "bad signs" that, coupled with a husband that won't talk, I may snoop under:

 

-WEEKS of unexplained "working late" and having more hours, yet NO difference in income or documented work hours

 

-finding female articles in his pockets, bags, or his car that are not mine.

 

-smelling perfume on him/seeing make-up marks on him not from me

 

-him abruptly stopping sex altogether in our relationship

 

-suddenly secretive about his phone, won't let me use his phone/computer/car

 

-texts all the time or takes secret phone calls, always leaving the room to take them

 

-overall emotional distance without explanation