seekingtochange Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Originally posted by DerangedAngel Is it normal, in these cases, for it to hit you so hard so long after it's happened? Should I talk to someone? Post here? -Deranged Hi Deranged- I am not as new to this community as this screen name is. I applaud your courage to speak out as yourself. even my regular screenname is not that familiar and still I do not have the courage to use it when discussing my rape issues and my anger issues associated with it. I have meant to answer your post since I first saw it, but today some stuff in my life has peaked and I just wanted to comment about this. i was raped several times as a teen. I was raped at 13 the first time, a virgin til that. by a friend's boyfriend who i didn't like even for my friends. he gave me the creeps from the get go. i never told anyone he gave me the creeps and i never told anyone i was raped. i was ashamed. he said, and I knew that most likely someone would accuse me of something bad. months pass and not even a year later I get acquaintance raped again by an adopted cousin while visiting relatives house. everyone in the house was asleep. he gagged my mouth. i felt physically sick for a week but again I told no one. got date raped again at 16 at a party by my supposed boyfriend's friend. This one was 6'3 over my little 5'2 and i was screaming. my boyfriend at the time was at the party, walked in and called me a whore that fk's his freinds, i guess because of the "bros before ho's thing". he called me a whore and spit on me and not just in my face but also on my privates, my ripped bra and shirt and skin, everywhere, calling me names, making me the dirty disgusting one while i cowered in shame and betrayal that this guy didn't look out for or believe me. his shower of hateful spit flew right in front of his rapist friend and some reluctant bystanders in the hallway who were afraid to deal with the situation so ignored the whole thing. the guys left quickly after that and partyhopped back to the house several hours later. the house was my friend's house whose parents were away. the girls were all slumber partying there. i had gone into a hysterical anguished breakdown. none of my friends or anyone knew what to do. when those guys returned, the guy that raped me hovered over me for a little while drunk and apologizing. my boyfriend had not come back because he had run into his ex-girlfriend and stayed with her. my best freind had gone to bed "pissed" with me because i broke down. that was the night my faith and trust in anyone or anything died. one more time after that, i went through something I felt was forcible rape but this being the 4th time i was in a self-demeaning spot where I blamed myself. i have issues of submissiveness and stuff too. I didn't tell a soul until I was 20 years old. At 21 I experienced what most counseling professionals call Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS). Agrophobia, crying fits, deep depressions and panics, for almost 2 or 3 years. It was the first time in my life I dealt with being raped full-on. I went through extensive therapy back then. I am now 36. I am now dealing with anger issues. I don't want to make life as a rape survivor sound pessimistic. I truly am proud of myself for coming along as far I have and no matter what, I know I dealt with the traumas as best as I could. But sometimes I also feel like I put so much work into getting over it to no avail. Flashbacks do comeback and what grows is our ability to deal with them. As someone reminded me today, no 2 survivors deal with rape the same. but you are not alone in having delayed reactions, sudden flashbacks or nightmarish memories. all i can say is i'm sorry you have to deal with such painfullness in your life, but YOU are NOT at fault and you are NOT a bad person. You deserve as much happiness as anyone else; as any woman who has never been raped. You are as precious as any decent female is. Try to remember as you forge through life that you are NOT tainted. Remind yourself and remind yourself. You are just as valuable as anyone else and your wants and words mean just as much as anyone else's. To all of you who have been raped this goes for you and it goes for me too. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueLP Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 I'm speechless "seekingtochange." Inspiring, courageous, powerful. Thank you sincerely, I bet you are helping a lot of people by sharing. Thanks again, Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 I was raped by my [ex] boyfriend at the time. He was either drunk or on drugs and basically thought I was kidding when I said no. As that relationship was also a violent one, I wasn't about to kick and scream. It didn't hit me until years later where I had to turn it all into court documents and actually write it down. Everyone else around me found out and that also made it a lot worse To this day I am still angry at him, but I have a loving partner who I have never had any issues about sex and due to his love, compassion, and understanding, we are getting through it. I can't imagine what it would be like to get raped so many times. Once was enough for me and if anyone tries it again, they will lose more than their dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author seekingtochange Posted July 19, 2004 Author Share Posted July 19, 2004 Originally posted by seekingtochange i was raped several times as a teen........ .....I didn't tell a soul until I was 20 years old. At 21 I experienced what most counseling professionals call Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS). Agrophobia, crying fits, deep depressions and panics, for almost 2 or 3 years. It was the first time in my life I dealt with being raped full-on. I went through extensive therapy back then. I am now 36. I am now dealing with anger issues. I don't want to make life as a rape survivor sound pessimistic. I truly am proud of myself for coming along as far I have and no matter what, I know I dealt with the traumas as best as I could. But sometimes I also feel like I put so much work into getting over it to no avail. Flashbacks do comeback and what grows is our ability to deal with them. As someone reminded me today, no 2 survivors deal with rape the same. but you are not alone in having delayed reactions, sudden flashbacks or nightmarish memories. all i can say is i'm sorry you have to deal with such painfullness in your life, but YOU are NOT at fault and you are NOT a bad person. You deserve as much happiness as anyone else; as any PERSON who has never been raped. You are as precious as any decent female/PERSON is. Try to remember as you forge through life that you are NOT tainted. Remind yourself over and over. You are just as valuable as anyone else and your wants and words mean just as much as anyone else's. To all of you who have been raped this goes for you and it goes for me too. I felt compelled to revive this thread to say, once you've been raped it's so easy to go your whole life feeling tainted. I hope it'll help at least someone to remember you didn't deserve the pain, and it was not alright. I also want to say counseling/therapy has saved my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Yes, counseling is very important. Don't know what I'd have done without it. It took me years after it happened to even utter the word rape, and even now, I try to convince myself sometimes that I could have done more to stop it, and it wasn't really rape because I didn't put up a huge enough fight, being too meek at the time to do more than say no or stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I applaud you! I am proud of you for realizing that you never were or are to blame! I am a survivor too. Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
mronederful Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 i cannot sit here and lie and say that i could possibly know what it is like to be raped, but a friend of mine was, she would tell me that this guy was bothering her, and i asked her to do something about it instead of ignoring it, well he would follow her around, and stalk her, she figured he would just stop. he did. after he caught her alone and raped her. i didn't altogether blame her, but had she done something about it (legally or otherwise) before it happened, she may not have been raped. if anyone follows you around, and acts weird, stalks you, you have a responsibility to yourself to at least tell the police. rape is supposed to be about power, well, if you take the power away, then there is no reason for it. there should be only ONE penalty for rape and that is death. a woman can never get back what a rapist takes from her world, why the hell would you not want to see the SOB in jail??? going through a trial has to be better than going through life doing NOTHING. if i was raped i don't think i would sleep if the sorry bastard was still breathing. but then i am vengeful, i have a few anger issues, and would want that F--KER to pay . Link to post Share on other sites
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