Should I end it or not?

[animoo]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. He moved to Europe last December. During the time he lived here, we were together all day everyday 24/7. We were really in love and enjoyed every moment together. There were some dramatic fights, started from my side, which now I regret. The only thing he has done to hurt me in the relationship was lie to me twice about something I didn't want him doing. There was no cheating involved.

 

Now it has been about 5 months since he's left and every single day has been horrible. Both of us are extremely depressed and have changed dramatically. We fight almost everyday we talk, usually because I am upset with him.

 

I get extremely angry with him because he said he was going to visit by now, and he has failed to do so. He says his financial situation is not good enough to make a trip abroad and I believe him. He also has a lot to get done before starting college in September. I understand that he's busy. But I can't take being alone anymore.

 

Another problem I have with him, is that he doesn't call me everyday. He misses days sometimes, or when he calls we have a very short conversation. I tell him he NEEDS to call and be online to chat with me if he wants to make this work. And he has done a great job in the past, but lately has been slacking. It upsets me and I can't help but to absolutely freak out on him. I believe I am not wrong for being upset, and that he needs to get his act together.

 

However, I also feel incredibly bad sometimes because I know he is depressed and doesn't need me yelling at him everyday. I would be more than happy if I could just get a date he would be visiting. The undetermined amount of time kills me, and makes it hard for me to get through the day.

 

I'm on anti depressants, am in school, doing well. But the only thing keeping me going is the hope that I'll get to see him again.

 

I am torn about what to do because I don't know what is ultimately best for both of us. I want him to be happy, and I feel if I upset him more I should remove myself from the equation. The only thing is that it kills me, because I know if we get to be together again, we could make it work and make eachtother even happier than we were before.

 

Any advice or experiences would be appreciated. This is my first time posting. Thank you

[Million.to.1]

I feel sorry for your boyfriend. You seem really demanding.

 

If i was in Europe and i had to be online or call someone everyday due to feeling obligated rather than wanting to, and when i did they yelled at me and we fought and I felt guilty and like a crap boyfriend, and they pressured me to come visit them even though i was broke, I would dump them.

To much drama!

 

Your boyfriend can't give you all the attention you want all the time from the other side of the world. Give the guy a break.

[animoo]

Thank you for your honesty.

[confsd1989]

You sound angry about the situation, which is understandable. You shouldn't blame yourself just be aware of what you are really angry about. And, I dont think you are demanding. You have to talk as much as possible to keep it going and you both have to want to. My ldr bf and I have lost contact and now I am considering ending things. But you need a plan to live together again, and soon. Without the plan things seem hopeless - trust me I know.

[animoo]

Thank you for your input, I plan on giving it a few more months before I end things.

[Professor X]

I have to agree, you do sound demanding and you do put a lot of pressure onto him.

 

However, it seems you are WAY to dependent on him. Get some friends, get some hobbies, go to the gym, etc, don't worry if you don't talk everything, it's not the end of the world.

 

Don't become a problem for him, or you will lose him 100%.

[ladyabstrused]

Another problem I have with him, is that he doesn't call me everyday. He misses days sometimes, or when he calls we have a very short conversation. I tell him he NEEDS to call and be online to chat with me if he wants to make this work. And he has done a great job in the past, but lately has been slacking. It upsets me and I can't help but to absolutely freak out on him. I believe I am not wrong for being upset, and that he needs to get his act together.

 

Do you know the reason for him slacking?

 

The undetermined amount of time kills me, and makes it hard for me to get through the day.

 

You feel like you're left hanging, don't you? But you do know the reasons why he's in such a way and why it's taking so long. Perhaps you could try to be a little more patient?

 

I have a guy friend who told me before that...the more his girlfriend pressures him to do something, the more he's doing the opposite thing. He says it's just something in him that clicks because he doesn't like being pressured to do something which he is trying his best at doing. Could your guy be like that?

[animoo]

He tells me his reason for slacking is the limited amount of time in the day and his phone not working. But he also hangs out with his friends quite a lot, and I ask him to send me a quick message to tell me he'll call later, but that's also too much to ask.

 

If he is like that, I don't want to be with him because he convinced me to stay with him before he left by telling or promising me, that he'd visit. I don't feel as though this is something to lie about or fabricate.

[ladyabstrused]

Firstly, are you doubting his reasons for slacking? Is it because you see that he hangs out a lot with his friends? How do you know this? Did he tell you that he hangs out with his friends a lot of times?

 

Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel before? Or have you both talked things out at all to address all these issues? I don't mean scream and yell at each other, but I mean, really to talk things out because I think the most important tool in working things out is proper communication.

[animoo]

I don't doubt them, I believe him but I don't think he tries very hard to keep this going. He tells me when he sees his friends.

 

Yes I've tried talking to him about it in every way imaginable. But I feel like it goes in one ear and out the other. He has trouble changing, always has. For me, for his friends, for his parents, for himself, for anyone.

[Professor X]

He has trouble changing, always has. For me, for his friends, for his parents, for himself, for anyone.

It's not that he has troubles, it's just that deep down he doesn't want to.

[StripeyShirt]

Have you thought about changing the way that you communicate? Is it possible that you could email at the end of the day, or gmail chat or something? Perhaps if you can find a way that works for you and doesnt make him feel so put upon then you both might feel a little better.

 

If there are no trust issues then it shouldnt be a problem for either of you to pursue a life away from each other.

[animoo]

I know he doesn't want to change, and that's what I always say to him. But everytime he says that's not true and that he tries. Which he does, but it doesn't last for very long. Then he gets upset with himself. I know that deep down he doesn't want to. But he won't accept that.

 

I have tried every single way of communication, and it always goes back to what he wants, or what is possible for him. There is a 9 hour time difference, and he has limited access to phones and computers. And I tell him that's fine, just send me a quick message or call when you can. But he slacks, not because they're unavailable to him at the time, but because he "forgets" or something else comes up.

 

I'm just so sick of an excuse every single day, I don't complain about him staying out until 5am with his friends then neglegting to talk to me, I have let him run this show since the day he left, and I'm sick of it. I'm desperate for a solution.

 

But what's the point of breaking up? It's not like he gets in the way of me doing what I want to do. I could go out and have fun all I want, and he wouldn't stop me. He's 5,000 miles away. It would be exactly the same as it is now if we broke up except I wouldn't get an occasional call.

 

A part of me wants to wait until I see him again before I end it to see if we can work it out when we're together physically. Because if I don't see him one more time, I'll always wonder what could have been.

[HeavenOrHell]

If you end it with him it sounds like you've nothing left to lose, except the occasional call, could you really do this for several more weeks/months/years?

 

Did you have a time scale of when you would live closer/together again? Or is there no end date?

 

It sounds like you're making each other miserable, you're both depressed

 

 

 

 

I know he doesn't want to change, and that's what I always say to him. But everytime he says that's not true and that he tries. Which he does, but it doesn't last for very long. Then he gets upset with himself. I know that deep down he doesn't want to. But he won't accept that.

 

I have tried every single way of communication, and it always goes back to what he wants, or what is possible for him. There is a 9 hour time difference, and he has limited access to phones and computers. And I tell him that's fine, just send me a quick message or call when you can. But he slacks, not because they're unavailable to him at the time, but because he "forgets" or something else comes up.

 

I'm just so sick of an excuse every single day, I don't complain about him staying out until 5am with his friends then neglegting to talk to me, I have let him run this show since the day he left, and I'm sick of it. I'm desperate for a solution.

 

But what's the point of breaking up? It's not like he gets in the way of me doing what I want to do. I could go out and have fun all I want, and he wouldn't stop me. He's 5,000 miles away. It would be exactly the same as it is now if we broke up except I wouldn't get an occasional call.

 

A part of me wants to wait until I see him again before I end it to see if we can work it out when we're together physically. Because if I don't see him one more time, I'll always wonder what could have been.

[HeavenOrHell]

Were there a lot of dramatic fights from your side, if so why? Maybe he couldn't cope with that anymore?

 

In some LDR's it's not possible to have daily contact, but there needs to be enthusiasm at least, on both sides. My partner is stressed to the max and extremely busy with work and exhausted a lot, but he still talks to me every day.

 

Sorry but it does sound like you've been very pressuring to him about contact, although I do understand your frustrations, but he's not going to want to talk much if you're freaking out at him a lot.

 

How about trying to be supportive towards him. What's causing his depression?

I think you need support from him too. Maybe neither of you are able to give it though.

 

You've made him the centre of your life, which isn't good, it's not healthy, could that have scared him off?

You need to build your life so that you are fulfilled and busy whether he is in it or not.

 

Is he away indefinitely? If he is, then it does sound right to end it for both your sakes. I'm not sure it would work anyway even if he came back, or you moved there, you sound too dependent on him, which will cause problems. Are you possessive towards him?

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. He moved to Europe last December. During the time he lived here, we were together all day everyday 24/7. We were really in love and enjoyed every moment together. There were some dramatic fights, started from my side, which now I regret. The only thing he has done to hurt me in the relationship was lie to me twice about something I didn't want him doing. There was no cheating involved.

 

Now it has been about 5 months since he's left and every single day has been horrible. Both of us are extremely depressed and have changed dramatically. We fight almost everyday we talk, usually because I am upset with him.

 

I get extremely angry with him because he said he was going to visit by now, and he has failed to do so. He says his financial situation is not good enough to make a trip abroad and I believe him. He also has a lot to get done before starting college in September. I understand that he's busy. But I can't take being alone anymore.

 

Another problem I have with him, is that he doesn't call me everyday. He misses days sometimes, or when he calls we have a very short conversation. I tell him he NEEDS to call and be online to chat with me if he wants to make this work. And he has done a great job in the past, but lately has been slacking. It upsets me and I can't help but to absolutely freak out on him. I believe I am not wrong for being upset, and that he needs to get his act together.

 

However, I also feel incredibly bad sometimes because I know he is depressed and doesn't need me yelling at him everyday. I would be more than happy if I could just get a date he would be visiting. The undetermined amount of time kills me, and makes it hard for me to get through the day.

 

I'm on anti depressants, am in school, doing well. But the only thing keeping me going is the hope that I'll get to see him again.

 

I am torn about what to do because I don't know what is ultimately best for both of us. I want him to be happy, and I feel if I upset him more I should remove myself from the equation. The only thing is that it kills me, because I know if we get to be together again, we could make it work and make eachtother even happier than we were before.

 

Any advice or experiences would be appreciated. This is my first time posting. Thank you

[animoo]

I want everyone to know that I am trying SO hard to keep him happy. Lately I have been holding back all my emotions and acting like everything is fine for his sake. I have tried everything, and now I'm trying just to suck it up. It's easy some days, and hard others. And I have done a complete 180 for his sake, and I don't see any change on his part. So nobody should feel bad for him right now. I kiss his ass to just to try something, anything, to make this better.

 

And the reason I don't mind staying with him is because I have no need or want to go out and meet a new man. He doesn't stop me from doing anything. And I don't want anyone else at the moment. So what's the point? I would rather try to make it work than be doing nothing at all.

[ladyabstrused]

I want everyone to know that I am trying SO hard to keep him happy. Lately I have been holding back all my emotions and acting like everything is fine for his sake. I have tried everything, and now I'm trying just to suck it up. It's easy some days, and hard others. And I have done a complete 180 for his sake, and I don't see any change on his part. So nobody should feel bad for him right now. I kiss his ass to just to try something, anything, to make this better.

 

And the reason I don't mind staying with him is because I have no need or want to go out and meet a new man. He doesn't stop me from doing anything. And I don't want anyone else at the moment. So what's the point? I would rather try to make it work than be doing nothing at all.

 

So you're saying these are your 2 choices:

 

1) Stay with him, to work things out cos you feel there is nothing better for you to do. Continue hurting.

 

2) Quit relationship. Open opportunities for new interactions and meeting new people. But not interested.

 

Why stay to be miserable when either way he's going to be the same? Is it because you love him that you'd choose the 1st option?

[animoo]

We actually have made plans for afterwards. We can live together if I go to Europe in 4 months. We have stayed interested for 6 months so far, so no it's not like having a relationship with a tree. Thanks for that kind comment though.

[ladyabstrused]

We actually have made plans for afterwards. We can live together if I go to Europe in 4 months. We have stayed interested for 6 months so far, so no it's not like having a relationship with a tree. Thanks for that kind comment though.

 

But are you really happy?