Jealousy & insecurity about porn are getting the best of me and making my life hell!

[jmd28]

It's the same old issue, husband likes porn and I can't get over it.

 

People say that looking at porn is normal, and I can accept that. I just cannot get over the dirty magazines. He looked at porn before we got together, while we were dating, and up until last week (supposedly). Whenever we first got together he knew that I didn't like it (only because I think I'm jealous of it) so he threw out all the porn he had just to make me happy and told me he didn't need that stuff. Well since then I caught him twice sneaking it around, last week being "the last time." It's driving me crazy being so upset about it, I'm just tired of feeling jealous and insecure at the same time. I'm losing sleep over this because every time I close my eyes I picture him in the act getting off to the idea and picture of some woman other than me and I wake up just furious and almost want to push him off the bed!!!

 

I've looked at porn videos before and I guess it kind of turns me on, so I don't think I would mind trying to look at it with him so we can both get pleasure from it together. I just cannot stand it that he looks at dirty magazines of other women and their body parts alone and that he keeps it from me. I know that just about anything can get my husband as well as any guy off, us having sex, a dirty magazine, a porn, even another girl giving him a hand job or something, anything. It's just a matter of preference as to which gets the guy off the best. I feel as though his looking at porn doesn't make me believe his preference is me because he does it alone, in private, away from me, and he hides it from me so he can continue to do it, you know "his little secret."

 

He's told me that he only looks at it when he's in the mood and I'm not there to please him, but I've taken pitcures of myself for those times and he doesn't look at them. But I kind of feel that he does it because I'm not there and he can get away with it and keep on hiding it from me. He's never tried to involve me, which leads me to assume that he doesn't want me to be a part of it. This is making me really jealous and insecure about myself because he keeps it to himself. These dirty magazines do not just portray an idea that gets someone in the mood, they portray someone individually with all her body parts, or more than one person, which to me creates a kind of fantasy that I don't think I want my husband getting off to.

 

I tried to take dirty pictures of myself for him to look at, but he viewed them once when I first showed him, and hasn't touched them since. Then the other day I just wanted to be curious to see what he would do if I bought him a dirty magazine. Since he works nights, I gave it to him the next morning when he got home from work. He said thanks and went to sleep before I left. I ended up coming home early from work that same morning and I found that he had woken up to get off to that magazine (because it was unwrapped and right next to him) then went back to sleep, but the pictures of me were still untouched. Maybe I'm setting myself up to get hurt, but it seems like he prefers to look at dirty pictures of other naked women over me. Noticing this has since left me feeling undesirable and self-conscious about my body and my sexual performance. Is my deductive reasoning illogical or should I be worried about this? I'm going to talk to him about this tonight, so any advice on where I should go with this would be appreciated.

 

jmd28

[johan]

People say that looking at porn is normal, and I can accept that.

 

I'm still struggling with this. This comes up in so many posts. Why do you say you can accept that? What makes it "normal"? Is it not also a vice? I have my opinions on this, but they are hard to express. Basically I disagree. At least as far as calling it normal in order to say it's acceptable. I must clarify: occasionally it's ok if you can share it, and I would love to watch a good porn with my girlfriend. We talk about it all the time and we've even tried to find a movie, but they all look like garbage. Most things are ok in moderation, and they should never become a distraction from the important things in life. At what point should you compromise and sacrifice what may be a vice in order to keep your relationship happy?

 

You ARE setting yourself up by expecting him to check out the pictures of you. Did you airbrush them and have them taken by a professional photographer? He can see you all the time. It's the variety he's after. I hate to sound prudish, but I really take issue with guys who claim the variety is a "need". I like to check out other women, and I've spent lots of time on porn sites. But I'll happily give all that up for my girlfriend, because I like to see her happy. It's definitely not easy, but I want her respect and I want to know the respect she has for me is not based on a facade. I want it to be real.

 

I admit that it's been fake with other girls in the past. That's just another little rationalization that I have had to live with: that I'm only really myself when they aren't looking. I have no idea how my girlfriend would feel about it if I spent time every day getting off to porn sites, I've never asked her. Maybe I will. But she doesn't have to ask me to give up porn or stop checking out other women, because I've decided for myself. It makes me feel stronger to know I can. Maybe I sound idealistic or like a wuss. But you can ask my girlfriend. I'm not even close to whipped. I don't know why more guys don't think this way. Am I the only one on this site? Am I violating the secret guy code here?

 

Back to you: I think you already know he's willing to turn himself on with other women (in his mind). I don't think this necessarily indicates he's prone to cheating. But it's probably too much for you to expect him to really change that. You'd have to take your relationship all the way to the edge to get him to commit to change, and then when things relax, so will he. If he was saying things that made you feel insecure about your body and sexual performance, many on this site (even the porn defenders) would recommend you leave him if he were not willing to change. If he was doing things, such as flirting a lot or rejecting you, that made you feel insecure, people on this site would recommend you leave him if he weren't willing to change. Well, the fact is he IS doing something that makes you feel insecure, and how you feel is completely rational. And if he truly loves you, he should be willing to change.

 

One thing that might bring it home for him is for you to invest time and money in porn for yourself. And if it doesn't turn you on, at least go close the bathroom door and run a vibrator for a while. Tell him you understand now, and you'll be doing that from now on to please yourself. I think I'd feel a little insecure if my girlfriend used porn regularly like that. At LEAST a little.

[jmd28]

Johan, you seem like a nice, caring guy and there are not a lot of them out there. Thanks for your input, I will take that into consideration. In the mean time, you said "it's the variety he's after." You're probably right and even though it's the truth, I'm having a hard time accepting that. I feel variety was something I was entitled to when we were dating, but now to glimpse at a guy walking down the street is all it will ever be to me, just a glimpse. But to me, him looking at these nude photos of other women is more than that, it's a lusting fantasy of what he's looking at and it's so pleasing to the eye that he can get off to it. And that makes me just awfully jealous and insecure.

 

You also said that your girlfriend doesn't have to ask you to give it up because you feel like the stronger man that you can without being asked and this is your girlfriend, not your wife. I've repeatedly let it be known to my husband that I am insecure about this issue. But it seems like not that he doesn't care, but that its no big deal to him. I talked with him last night about it rationally, and I asked him if he felt he had the right to look at porn. He said yes.

 

I also asked him if he felt that looking at nude photos of other women is OK and he said yes. Of all the replies that a husband can give to a question like this, at least he was being brutally honest with me. I understand that to most men this is a fetish that is not a big deal unless it's made a big deal. And the more you push it, the more they want to do it in secret. But I can't help it because realizations such as those just hurt to think about. I dropped the subject a long time ago when I first caught him, but catching him again has just made things much worse and intensified my fear of him lying to me greatly. I feel I cannot trust him anymore regarding this subject. My jealousy is consuming all the good intentions I have for him because not only does he not think this is wrong or disrespectful, he would continue to do it if I let him. He has only agreed to stop because I asked him to. I asked him if he was OK with not being able to look at porn and he said no but that he really didn't have a choice.

 

That doesn't sound like a loving husband who just wants to make his wife happy, it sounds more like a husband who will say whatever to get his wife to shut up. This situation has made him less desirable to me and I feel like I have lost a little respect for him. He told me that he at least needs something to give him assistance getting off so I again suggested maybe making our own video and then this time him taking the pictures of me doing whatever it is that pleases him. But like you said, its not me, its him and his need for variety. I don't want to accept that and he, as my husband, shouldn't ask me to. I love him so incredibly much and this is why it hurts me to have to accept who I discovered he is.

 

I know I may have a low self-esteem to some extent, but he's not thinking about the affect his interest in porn is having on me, he's thinking about him being satisfied whenever he needs it. This is not helping me.

[msrealdoll]

It sounds like you're unable to form a logical opinion about this because of your emotional reactions. You admit that you're insecure and jealous. Would you really accomplish anything if he gave in to you? Would it really help you to feel more secure? No-because those feelings are part of you, and will be regardless of if he looks at porn or not.

 

I think you should seek some counselling for your insecurity issues. Once you get over that, then you'll be able to decide whether this is an issue worth fighting over.

[johan]

I don't agree. Insecurity problems that come from nothing are a problem that may require counseling. In this case the cause of the feelings is clear and jmd28s husband should be able to understand and help. He is using his sexual energy having fantasies with pictures of other women, and I don't think a PhD is required to figure that some women are going to have a problem with that. She's the type of woman who does. And if he chooses to disregard her feelings, then I think he should also understand she may not take that well either. Very few women would. So he's indulging himself with an unproductive, solitary activity that delivers negative messages to his wife. Why should it be a problem to try to understand how that makes her feel and do something about it? Why should she have to justify it? Why does he need to evaluate it to see if it's rational by his standards?

 

Insecurities are natural and should not be rejected outright.

[msrealdoll]

This part of her post-"I don't think I would mind trying to look at it with him so we can both get pleasure from it together."-is what leads me to think it might be an insecurity problem on her part. She's not morally opposed to porn, she just doesn't want him to look at it by himself.

 

I admit I'm rather liberal about sexuality, as long as there's no cheating. Some people aren't. But I just don't understand why it's okay for a person to demand that their partner give up something they enjoy because she or he doesn't like it. I don't see where the disrespect is. It's not about her. It's about him and his own preferences.

 

Being in a relationship doesn't mean that your partner is going to stop doing anything for themselves just because you find it objectionable. Especially if it's something they've done while dating. If they do it before you get married or move in together, odds are the behavior will continue.

 

Having a sex partner does not mean that you're never going to masturbate again. Some people enjoy it, and do it in addition to having regular sex. I wouldn't give up my vibrator because my boyfriend was jealous of it.

[johan]

This part of her post-"I don't think I would mind trying to look at it with him so we can both get pleasure from it together."-is what leads me to think it might be an insecurity problem on her part. She's not morally opposed to porn, she just doesn't want him to look at it by himself.

 

I can't speak for her, but I don't get the idea that it's so selfish as you make it sound. But when a guy looks at porn regularly, he runs the risk of sending the message that his preference is for porn, for the women he sees in the pictures. The way he responds when he's questioned about it also can make a big difference. If you make it sound like it's an important part of your life and you don't want to give it up, then that also sends a message, and he shouldn't be surprised about it.

 

I admit I'm rather liberal about sexuality, as long as there's no cheating. Some people aren't. But I just don't understand why it's okay for a person to demand that their partner give up something they enjoy because she or he doesn't like it. I don't see where the disrespect is. It's not about her. It's about him and his own preferences.

 

Like I said above, I agree that his preferences are the issue here. Is it too much for a wife to expect that she be her husband's primary source of sexual satisfaction? Is that selfish or is it an unrealistic expectation? I didn't get the impression she was trying to forbid him from masturbating. Just that he might want to try to understand how this is making her feel. Maybe he could do something about it, instead of disregarding her feelings as meaningless and irrational. It's not just about him and his preferences. He's married and he should respect his wife's feelings.

 

Not only that, but for many people the image of a grown man beating his meat to pictures of naked women is not very appealing. It's almost ridiculous. It's hard to respect a man who considers that an important part of his life. Especially if it's more important to him than his wife's feelings. That to me is a problem. Most wives want to respect their husbands, I believe, as respect is part of the foundation for love. Most wives want to believe that their husbands are trying to do the right thing in their lives. Just because porn is a good way to get off, does that make it a good thing to do? Is there truly no betrayal involved when a man fantasizes about another woman? Is thinking it NOT as bad as doing it? Are there really no lasting effects if you disregard that based on rationalizations? What are this guy's standards for himself?

 

Being in a relationship doesn't mean that your partner is going to stop doing anything for themselves just because you find it objectionable. Especially if it's something they've done while dating. If they do it before you get married or move in together, odds are the behavior will continue.

 

I agree.

 

Having a sex partner does not mean that you're never going to masturbate again. Some people enjoy it, and do it in addition to having regular sex. I wouldn't give up my vibrator because my boyfriend was jealous of it.

 

I know. I think there's middle ground. There must be compromise or there will just be resentment. Not every woman whose husband uses porn considers it a problem. Not every woman who considers it a problem is wrong. Sometimes it is a problem. I am more apt to believe it's a problem when the husband stands his ground on it. As if she was asking him to give up lunches from now on. She's asking him to not make it SO obvious he's fantasizing about other women. I think that's reasonable.

[jmd28]

To Msrealdoll:

 

I think you may be right. I do need some help with my insecurities and jealousness, and probably a few other personality traits. You're also right that once the feeling is there, its not going to go away.

 

I had this flawless image of my wonderful husband that has now been tainted by his lack of compassion, sympathy, and respect for me. And that is not something I did to myself. So what do I do now? I can probably find some kind of conselor to talk to about my insecurities and jealousness and seek help for myself, but am I just supposed to simply forgive him for knowingly helping to add to my insecurities? Mind you, I let him know on a couple of occasions how I felt. It's not like he didn't have a choice, nor did he try to help me deal with this since you say that he shouldn't have to give it up. He just conveniently went around it by making broken promises, and re-assuring me he would not do it again, while he was sneaking it behind my back. He never once said "I want to help you understand why I like this and why it is hard for me to stop." Which probably would have helped me out from the very beginning. He just said "Sorry I hurt you, I hate seeing you this way, I love you, this won't happen again." Yet it did.

 

Honesty and compromise are a few key elements to making a marriage work. I think you feel that a person shouldn't have to change who they are just because someone doesn't like something about them and that is true in most circumstances. Maybe you don't fully understand where I'm coming from because you are not married yet. But in a marriage, "it's not about being the right person, it's about becoming the right person." Since I've been married, it doesn't feel that much different from when we were dating, but there is definitely an unspoken bond and "rule" that naturally has occured overtime. If he would have expressed his need to look at porn, maybe I could have tried to "become the right person" and accept his wants. I know my husband loves me more than anything in this world and he always tells me how beautiful I am, and is constantly verbally, physically, & emotionally, letting me know how deeply his loves me. My insecurities come from within and are only brought to the surface on this issue. I want to get through it but him going behind my back has only made me resent it since it is the source of our delimma, the source of his dishonesty and disrespect that he didn't try to talk to me about and resolve.

 

Also you said "it's about him." In a marriage there is no he or I, it is us and what is in our best intentions. When I told him of my insecurities, he could have demonstrated then that he was sincere about helping me get through them while still being able to get his way as well. But because he chose to do it the hard way, the hurt, jealousy, and insecurity I feel is a direct result of his choices (so these could have been prevented). He told me from the beginning that he didn't need that stuff yet I caught him twice already showing otherwise which leads you to your theory "it's about him," well I'm not OK with that. So I may have issues that need professional help to be resolved, but I can admit it and try to deal with it vs. him not seeing he did anything wrong. So then yes I was disrespected.

 

People form their insecurities through their experiences with others. And that's probably where I formed mine intially is with others. It never really crossed my mind that my husband, my best friend (which we were

for years before we got together) would unintentionally, but in a sense deliberately contribute to. Maybe I'm judging him too harshly, but if that is all that comes of this, I don't think that it is wrong for me to feel this way about him or porn, nor for me to ask him to stop since that is what I was forced to do because he knowingly chose on his own to bring these problems to our marriage, instead of trying to find a common solution.

 

Your first post was good and I appreciated your advice. However your second was more on the defense and I just want to clear one more thing up. There are many things that I used to do before we started dating, during when I moved in with him, and before we got married, that I wouldn't dream of doing now that I am married. Because I know what will or won't hurt him or cause him to feel insecure in any way. Marriage is about forever compromising and coming to common grounds on issues that both parties don't agree with. It is work, but it is worth it. I'm just having a harder time than some others. Anyways, but thank you for bringing a different perspective, it helps me to see my problem from all angles.

 

To Johan:

 

I agree with you, and the points you made are all good. Same as msrealdoll's. Your questions can go both ways though. I guess those are some things my husband and I are going to have to discuss.

 

I am glad I stumbled upon this website when I was at my lowest, and I really appreciate the insite. I will give you an update as the days go by and my husband and I try to get through this.

[msrealdoll]

Just for the record, I have been married. I am divorced, so I obviously am no expert in what makes a successful marriage.

 

It sounds like your insecurity comes not from the porn but from the lie about it. A spouse lying is disrespectful and insensitive. He should have had the courage to tell you how he felt. You have every reason to be insecure if he lies to you.

 

Regardless of how much you try to make everything 'us', there will always be 2 individuals with different thoughts, ideas and feelings. I personally feel there should be some measure of independence, even in a marriage.

 

I wonder what the reaction to my post had been were the problem golf or something innocuous instead of porn. I don't see porn as a moral issue.

 

Johan, do you see porn as a moral issue? Do you use it? I can't really respond to your post because I'm not sure where you're coming from.

[jmd28]

I am the type of person to be rational about things, and try to accept new concepts and be as opened mindness as possible to other people's stand points. I do not see porn as a moral issue, just something that the person viewing or involving themselves in should take precautions and discretions with, including sports or hobbies, if they are in any form of relationship. Whether it be a married person such as myself or a single person with his/her own perspectives. Its a matter of reasoning and coming to an agreement as to what and when something is acceptable. i.e. A man should know that if he has spent every waking moment playing golf instead of being with his woman or including her in it on "their weekends", that she is either going to ask him to do it less often or invite her along so she doesn't feel neglected or that golf is more important to him than her.

 

I came to the realization tonight after talking to one of my best friends, that at least for me, maybe it was never really only about the porn, it was only centered around it and made the focus point by me because I couldn't figure out what was bothering me so much. Then so I assumed it was the porn because it really does make me feel jealous and insecure to an extent. Tonight I realized that I was more dwelling on the "taking responsibility" issue, and mistakingly blew some of my other feelings out of proportion because I couldn't pinpoint it.

 

When I was talking to my friend (who is going through a nasty break-up), I started noticing a pattern as to what our problems were. In my and my friend's past relationships as well as current, the trend to the "other half" making a mistake was this very saying, "I'm sorry, I love you, I'll never do it again." I mean come on, who hasn't heard that line before when things have gotten bad. It seems like that reaction is the quickest and simplest way to get over things between two people, because that is exactly what the hurt person thinks h\they want to hear. Again, "I'm sorry, I love you, I'll never do it again." These words for some reason seem to make everything alright between a disputing couple, but only for a little while. WHY, you ask.??? Because those words are a soothing temporary relief to a bigger problem at hand. And to hear those words leaves the hurt person with a false impression that everything is going to be OK. And I am certain that that is the common and typical solution to a serious problem. "I'm sorry, I love you, I'll never do it again."

 

Only after many years and situations of being hurt did I finally come to the conclusion that I don't want or need to hear that when a hurtful problem arises. What I and every person that has been hurt by someone else needs to hear is, "I screwed up, I know I screwed up, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it right." Because those words do not leave any room for questioning. The hurt person gets the satisfaction and relief that the offender realizes what they have done is wrong, they take the responsibility, and they are willing to go the extra mile to make things right. Not just any person can say thses words or something like it. Hell, these words would never cross the mind of somebody who doesn't think they were in the wrong fully in its entirety.

 

I told my husband tonight of my epiphany, and he told me I was right. Nobody who thinks they are innocent or only half wrong would admit to something like that. Nor was he, about our problem issue, until I put things into perspective. When I initially told him I had a problem with porn, he could have easily questioned me and tried to help me with my problem. Instead he only worsened it by sneaking behind my back the first time. When I caught him again, he had the opportunity to ask me why I felt this way about porn and try to help with my problem, but again he chose to sneak behind my back and do his own thing. So this could have all been prevented if he would have been man enough to just talk to me about an uncomfortable subject. After beating around the bush and telling me "Didn't I in some way already tell you that?," I finally told him that those words weren't good enough, neither was that he was sorry and he loved me immensely and he would never do it again. I told him that the only words that would make me feel better is to hear him say "If screwed up, I know I screwed up, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it right."

 

After he paused for a moment, he finally said those words. And then I told him, "I love you, I disagree with you, but I'm going to do whatever it takes to make things right." and that, for me and him, was that. He was at work so he had to let me go, but we were able to say with a sort of humor, "I love you, bye."

 

It's too soon to tell if that is going to work, but I can honestly say, a big wiehgt was lifted off my shoulders.

[moimeme]

I had this flawless image of my wonderful husband that has now been tainted by his lack of compassion, sympathy, and respect for me

 

That is reading an immense amount into a particular action or behaviour. Many of our issues lie in how we interpret others' behaviour. You have been looking at this as 'lack of compassion, sympathy, and respect', meaning his behaviour is all about you. In reality, not being able to quit doing anything - from smoking to drinking to computer games to porn - is all about the person himself. It is hard to give up certain habits. REAL hard.

 

If you are the sort of human that can say once that you'll quit a habit of some sort (fast food, getting up late, whatever) and do it, then you deserve a Hall of Fame of your own. Most people swear they will quit something, mean it at the time, and then succumb to temptation. And they hide it because they're ashamed that they couldn't quit when they said they would.

 

I'm sorry, I love you, I'll never do it again

 

Again - when it comes to any sort of habit, any reasonable human must understand that people just can't give up habits which give them pleasure that easily. To get furious and be personally wounded and upset because your partner is a mere human who cannot resist temptation to indulge in a habit is unfair.

 

Congratulations on your epiphany. I just wanted to give you a couple more reasons for changing your way of thinking about what your husband has been doing.

[jmd28]

The initial blow to any situation can have a number of results. For me, I was very angry and unable to come to terms with my husband so naturally my feelings and thoughts were twice as bad as reality, so I irrationally blew things out of proportion.

 

I should have not been naive about the issue from the get go, but when my husband casually told me that this was no problem and he'll stop, I took it for what it was and left it at that. And when it happened again, I also could have done my part to figure out why he lied, but again I believed what he said and left it alone. I know old habits are hard to break so this time around, we are going to find some kind of solution that works for the both of us.

 

He said he made a mistake and he's going to do what he has to to make it right and I believe him. So the question of the day for him was, "Do you have the need for variety?" Me knowing it or thinking it vs. him admitting it are two different things. I am giving him an opportunity to be open, honest, and upfront about the root of our problem and I'm leaving it up to him to tell me what his thoughts are. I truly believe that if he can come to terms with his fetish and voice it out loud to me, we can move on and get over the insecurity and lies. I don't anticipate he'll just come out and say it, but I told him to take his time thinking about the question and to talk to me in his own time. I honestly don't know the answer to the question, I can only speculate from our experiences. But either way, I'm willing to accept his answer and who knows where we will go from there.

 

As far as being "only human," that can go both ways. He's only human and has a habit that he can't break nor admit to, I'm only human because I get mad when I'm lied to and kept in the dark.

 

When you have an expectation, the only thing you can expect is to be let down. I had an expectation of him and he let me down. The only thing for me to do now is have a little faith and hope and see where that takes me. I still feel a little like I'm being naive about things, but only time will tell.

[eden]

ive been married for 5 years, and it was ok in the beginning for fun, but when one of you "need" to look at it to help you make love then that draws the line, now if it bothers you he shouldnt do it unless he's addited to it.

 

 

people can have their own views about it, and say that 'it's normal, and it's not about you,and dont be insecure, but if those are your feelings and you dont like it there's nothing wrong with that, if i knew my husband liked this kind of stuff before we got married i wouldnt have married him, and he shouldnt have gotten married if thats what he liked to do,so what the hell am i here for, im the one who cooks and cleans for him and takes care of the kids and washes his funky underwear not the whores in the magazines,that he seems to love so much, so maybe i should just leave,and see if one of those whores are gonna come and do this stuff for him. if a man is in a relationship with one woman,he may feel he needs other women,so to keep from being unfaithful he gets his variety from looking at porn but that still doesnt make it ok if it makes you feel bad about yourself, HELL NO it isnt ok, what is ok about looking at other naked people having sex,what do you get out of it,and whatever you do get out of it you should take that same energy and put it towards the person thats right there with you and not on some girl in a porn who they'll never have sex with anyway,the girls in these movies are whores,they have sex with numerous men and women for money and sometimes without condoms,so if your man is attracted to whores then he should be with a whore,how would he feel if he put that movie in and you were on there,men are never satisfied, they say they want a nice woman who respects themselves,but they love whores who make flicks and some men love to spend there money and the money that should be going to there families on strippers, so what do men want whores or nice respectful women. men make up your minds because if he wants a respectful women he wouldnt spend his time looking at trash.what i would tell my man is "ok honey you like whores,then i'll become one for you and make a movie like this would you like to look at me like that." if he respects you im sure he wouldnt like that, but like i said some men like whores!