Why Are Some Exes So Determined to Hold On?

[wildgeese]

I think I just need to vent.

 

My boyfriend has an ex that seems determined to hold on to their past relationship. They have been broken up since January of 2010 and we met in June of 2010. We've been "officially" dating since December of 2010, despite only seeing one another since that summer.

 

The circumstances surrounding their break up: They were living together for 6 months when she decided to end the relationship to "focus on her". She moved to another country for a year and they had NC other than her sending a post- break-up letter. While I don't have all of the details, I believe they were together for about 2 years, give or take.

 

She moved back a year ago, in July of 2011, after we had been seeing each other for about a year. She immediately began to pop up everywhere we were, made fun of me to mutual friends, and was cold to me in public. She would also do little things like call him to borrow his truck when she was moving (like he's the only guy on earth with a truck) and text him about little things like a tv show they used to watch together. Today I woke up to her having tagged herself in a bunch of old pictures of them from when they were dating.

 

Throughout all of this he is polite but distant to her and has never made me feel like anything is going on behind my back. He doesn't speak ill of her, just that they had a rocky relationship, and I am proud that he is ultimately the bigger person. I trust him completely and I know our relationship is solid. I'm just clearly annoyed by her behavior. I understand that they were together for two years and that they briefly lived together. But it was her decision to break up with him and it's been almost two and a half years since that time. Why is she determined to act this way? I can't say that I behave like this towards any of my exes or their current partners. I know it could be worse (I've heard the horror stories!), but wouldn't you think that after two and a half years she would act a little more civil and less obvious? I guess it's a territorial issue. I mean, he is a catch. But he's my catch, sister!

 

Like I said, I just needed to vent.

 

PS - Had no idea where to put this so I settled on the "Jealousy" board.

[january2011]

It's up to him to maintain his boundaries, including blocking her on all platforms - why does he take her calls/texts and allow her access to his Facebook?

 

If he continues to be 'polite' she's going to continue to believe that her behaviour is 'ok'.

 

His being the 'bigger person' is only going to stretch so far if he continues to allow her to intrude into your lives.

Edited May 2, 2012 by january2011

[wildgeese]

It's up to him to maintain his boundaries, including blocking her on all platforms - why does he take her calls/texts and allow her access to his Facebook?

 

If he continues to be 'polite' she's going to continue to believe that her behaviour is 'ok'.

 

His being the 'bigger person' is only going to stretch so far if he continues to allow her to intrude into your lives.

 

I am not a person who thinks that blocking people on all platforms is an appropriate adult response to something you don't like. I find it immature, unless the situation has escalated to something unmanageable. Which it isn't. It's just annoying and I know that that is something I have to deal with within myself.

 

And if she has called/texted him, he generally responds with a short or polite message or doesn't respond at all if it's not a question (example: "Can I borrow your truck?" "Sorry, but no.").

 

She isn't necessarily intruding in our lives. It's not like he's leaving the dinner table to take a call from her or lies about contact with her. He isn't and he doesn't, and he frankly never would because he's a respectful person. I just find her behavior baffling in that she keeps wanting to try for that little bit of contact despite not receiving it back.

 

I wouldn't support him confronting her or blocking her - I'd find that petty and rude and an insult to our relationship. I don't work that way and it's perfectly fine if that's how other people prefer to behave. This is about her behavior. I just wonder what it is in some people that prompts them to hang on.

[january2011]

I must have misunderstood your OP. You stated that you were venting, which suggested that this is a situation that you're upset about.

 

However, your latest post contradicts this. If you don't find her actions instrusive and you think it's perfectly fine that she behaves this way, then why the need to vent? Just let her get on with it. Seems odd to try to analyse it and post about it on public forum if you find it acceptable and you support how your boyfriend is handling this.

[RiverRunning]

I must have misunderstood your OP. You stated that you were venting, which suggested that this is a situation that you're upset about.

 

However, your latest post contradicts this. If you don't find her actions instrusive and you think it's perfectly fine that she behaves this way, then why the need to vent? Just let her get on with it. Seems odd to try to analyse it and post about it on public forum if you find it acceptable and you support how your boyfriend is handling this.

 

Yeah, I mostly agree with this.

 

Ah, so she pulled that "I need to focus on myself" bit, huh? What that really means: "I'm bored so I'm gonna go get laid elsewhere for a while. Then, when you have moved on with your life rather than calling me crying to get me back every day, I'm going to stalk after you like a helpless kitten, begging to get you back, because it will be the ULTIMATE POWER TRIP if I can break up your new relationship and get you to come running back to me."

 

I'd say that's it in a nutshell for an ex who willfully left her relationship behind. For a clingy ex who was dumped, the answer may be obvious - they're not over it yet, they're still in love, they believe they can win the guy back, and sometimes they're just out for full-on revenge for being hurt.

 

After going through what I went through with my ex and HIS ex, I'd never again tolerate having an ex in the picture whatsoever (unless my new boyfriend were to have children with her, in which case it's a family affair!). IMO, your boyfriend shouldn't have any contact with her - even if she is texting him to ask him questions.

 

She needs to learn that the relationship is over and she needs to find a new guy whose truck she can borrow. Or dare I say it - she needs to learn to be her own rock and to stop running to somebody else's boyfriend when she has troubles. I see no reason to explode on an ex, but making it clear her contact is unwelcome by not responding is enough.

 

I'm not a fan of the camp that seems to brand any display of female jealousy as 'irrational,' and I don't think this is necessarily something you have to learn to deal with 'within yourself.' This is an external situation, sister, and your man is exacerbating it by answering her prompts. She's the initiator, to be sure, but no 600 pound person gets to be 800 pounds on their own.

 

Somebody's gotta bring the sandwich, and every time your boyfriend answers his ex-girlfriend, he's doing exactly that: he's feeding her behavior, and the cycle will continue.

[Radu]

She sounds manipulative and like she has control issues.

 

Funny thing, your bf is not innocent in all of this as he is the only one who can stop this.

He has to be the one to take a stand and say ENOUGH, maybe even go as far as to file for a restraining order and stand up for you to his circle of friends.

 

You can't continue living like this and she knows it, steadily she is breaking you down.

I suspect to some degree, deep down your bf feels great for having 2 women interested in him or having the woman that rejected him back after him.

 

PS: She left him to screw another guy ... the 'focus on myself' was bogus.

[wildgeese]

She sounds manipulative and like she has control issues.

 

Funny thing, your bf is not innocent in all of this as he is the only one who can stop this.

He has to be the one to take a stand and say ENOUGH, maybe even go as far as to file for a restraining order and stand up for you to his circle of friends.

 

You can't continue living like this and she knows it, steadily she is breaking you down.

I suspect to some degree, deep down your bf feels great for having 2 women interested in him or having the woman that rejected him back after him.

 

Do people really think like this? I certainly do not and I know that my boyfriend does not either. I do see that this was now a mistake to post this in a public forum and that it was posted in a fit of annoyance. My apologies and I appreciate all of the answers, but otherwise I would like to be done with this post. Thank you!

[Radu]

I hope it works out for you OP.