Settle for boyfriend or pursue new guy

[mynameisree]

Hi,

I've got a bit of a problem. I know that people are going to criticize me for my actions but I guess I somewhat deserve that. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but please forgive me if it becomes rather lengthy.

In 1998 I graduated high school and in that summer is when I originally got with my boyfriend. I met him through a girl on my basketball team, it was her younger brother. I had been tutoring him all year long in math and I had a small hint that he liked me but I never acted upon it. I was not attracted to him at first but he was a really nice guy. I guess you could say he sorta grew on me.

Fast forward to 2000, his family was having some problems and was moving to Chico(200 miles away from me). I originally told him that there was no chance of me doing the long-distance thing. I guess you could say that was somewhat selfish of me but I didn't want to set myself up for failure. He had just graduated from high school and I knew that he would not be able to make it on his own. To my surprise he struggled to stay. He moved in with a friend of his for a couple of months and eventually ended up moving in with me for almost a year. We started to get real tired of each other. Around 2002 I asked him to move out. We were arguing and things were not going good. He agreed but it didn't end like I had hoped. I figured we would just not live together to try to salvage what we had. He had different ideas. He didn't call me and ultimately came over and said we should break up. I played it off like I had already known and agreed. I didn't want him to think he got the better of me. He moved in with another friend of his for a while and we didn't talk for about a month.

Then he got a job where I worked. At first I wouldn't talk to him. Then he began talking to me again and I gave in. We started hanging out again but never declaring us "back together." I had an idea that he was hooking up with another girl because I would talk to him and he'd get a page and say, "I can't hang out with you tonight, I gotta do something." Again, I didn't let it bother me. I was also hanging out with someone so it softened the blow. Then, one day he came to me at work and asked if we could talk after I got off. We went to his car and he told me he had been hooking up with this girl for about a month or so. He was having unprotected sex with her and she had got herpes. I yelled at him and told him that the only thing I had ever asked him was to be honest with me about having unprotected sex with people. I asked him what he was thinking knowing this girl for only 1 month. Not knowing the signs of herpes I had him call her and ask her how she knew she had it and what they did to her at the doctors. While he was on the phone I could hear the girl talking and she sounded rather chipper. Then, at the end of the conversation I heard her say, "I love you." He just said, "OK, I'll call you later." and hung up. That made me even more angry. I asked him if he told her that he loved her and he finally admitted he had. I asked him if he did love her and he said, "no, I just said it." How could he do that? It made me feel like all those times he told me that he was "just saying it." Luckily I didn't have anything and about a week and a half later he moved to Chico with his family.

I know I shouldn't have called him but it hurt so bad not hearing his voice that I had to. We ended up getting back together and have been together since. It's been a little over a year but I'm beginning to have mixed feelings. I just keep thinking about that incident and I can't let it go. I trust him now, but the fact that he put me in that situation is just hurtful. I know he's not seeing anyone or doing anything but my feelings seem to be diminishing. Three weeks ago I met this great guy. We've been going out on dates but we haven't done anything. I told him that I'm not involved and I haven't been for a year. I really like this guy and he seems to really like me. So, I finally decided to break it off with my boyfriend. I did it 2 days ago and it's killing me. I didn't want my relationship with this new guy to go any further if I had a boyfriend. I just feel like the wicked witch. I told my boyfriend that I needed some time to think things over and that I don't think I feel the same for him. Even if I hadn't met this new guy I would have eventually broke things off with my boyfriend. It was getting to the point where he would come and visit and I would tell him it was OK for him to go out with his friends. Before I would never want him to leave. Now, we're barely intimate when he comes down. I think that I have this fear of being alone. I think, "If I break up with him I'll never have a boyfriend again." I also developed the mentality that all men will cheat on their girlfriend. I was thinking that you just have to settle for one and I was willing to "just settle" for my boyfriend.

When I called my boyfriend to break it off he began to cry. That was definitely not my intentions. I never want to hurt him, he is a great person. I just believe we would be better friends than boyfriend/girlfriend. He told me that he was willing to move back down and spend the rest of his life with me. I had the feeling that he was going to propose to me on Monday (today) because he was supposed to come down and "finally do this for me." He's proposed to me once before but it was after that whole "herpes" incident. I told him that I wasn't questioning his love for me but just the love I had for him. I didn't tell him that I was seeing someone else because that would have hurt him too bad. He told me that I'm his reason for living and I'm all he has. This makes me feel so bad. Some of my friends are angry with me saying that I'm being mean. I just feel that this was going to happen eventually and me meeting this new person just pushed me to do it. I don't think it's fair that I should feel like "settling" for someone. I don't feel the same for him as I used to. I don't know what to do. Should I break it off with this new guy and get back with my boyfriend or should I just keep it where it is. I am also very willing to be friends with my ex-boyfriend but I don't want to hurt him. Do you think it's too much to ask him to be friends or should I just give him that option and leave the ball in his court.

Sorry for the length again. Thank you in advance for any input.

 

Ree

[amerikajin]

Sorry, I couldn't read your post in its entirety, but I read enough to know that you should probably start moving away from your current boyfriend (the one you've been dating for a few years). I think the relationship has run its course, but it obviously doesn't seem to be anything permanent.

 

My advice is to be decisive and direct. You should decide once and for all where your relationship stands (and to me it looks like it doesn't stand much of a chance). Then you should have the fortitude to tell him that and let that be the end of it. You don't have to tell him that you're seeing someone else. I would tell him though that you do think it's a good idea that you two start seeing other people. Maybe some period of no contact would be better for both of you. Whether you tell him that is your decision. I usually like to be honest about where people stand, although I don't tell them every single detail.

[lostinlove0479]

I'm saying wow b/c I'm reading ur story imagining that the one I'm in will take the same path. From the herpes, to the cheating to the friends, it's like I'm looking thru a fraction of time in my own relationship. The thoughts that I fear, because I'm trying to work things thru with him but I don't know if he's as genuine as I am. At this point I'm in no position to advise u b/c I'm the same person you were back then. It's something how trust once broken can tear at the victim of it. I do believe that my ex b/f and probably yours are not going to do it again after something so big has blown up in their face, but we are scorned women and should probably put our best foot forward to do so. You know the saying, "If you let something go and it comes back, it's yours", I think that's the best solution for situations like these. It's crazy how you can know what you should do, but just can't. Almost like closing your eyes and just falling hoping you land safely. Good luck.

[HokeyReligions]

Never settle. He will get over you. Make a clean break of it. You will not be doing him any favors by staying with him--there will only be more problems and more heartbreak for both of you later on. Ignore what your friends are saying---they are not in the situation and have to authority over your life or your decisions. Just tell them to back off because they don't know the situation and they don't have your heart.

 

You deserve to be happy - so does he. By staying together in these circumstances you eliminate future happiness and replace it with hurt.