Hoping for a future...

[DelUK]

Hi all. Del here, 1st post.

 

Long story (arent they all). I'll summarise as best I can..

 

Together 16 years, never married. 3 daughters (1 a stepdaughter who Ive brought up since being a baby).

 

Generally Happy relationship or so I thought (volatile at times when we clashed), but I thought we were close.

 

The bomb dropped late November, 'Im not sure I love you in that way anymore'. Cue months of (yes you guessed it) the wrong reactions: moping, sadness, pestering, generally not giving her what she wanted; space. I remain distraught at the thought of losing her and breaking up my family.

 

Yes, there is another influence. This has not helped. She has got a close 'friendship' with a single male colleague. They've talked regularly and have met for a drink (to my knowledge). An Emotional Affair. I dont think its anything else.....yet.

 

She wanted space I didnt give her it. She wanted me to leave the family home to give her that space (for say 3 months) but I consulted a solicitor who advised against it, so I didnt. The upshot of it all is that shes now buying a place (with half the equity of the family home) and is on her way.

 

For a long time it was to sort her head out. To see 'where shes at'. More recently shes telling me I must treat it as a permanent split and that its over.

 

Ive read lots of forums I never knew existed. This sort of problem just didnt affect me, but all of a sudden it has and Im still in denial & confusion.

 

I initially put it down as a Mid Life thing (shes 42 Im 39) but as time goes by shes seems more clearer. Shes was in the fog over Christmas but seems to have emerged.

 

The annoying and frustrating thing is she never gave me an opportunity to work at it, to goto counselling, to sort out the finance issues etc etc. I havent had a chance.

 

I guess Im hoping her moving out will bring a dose of reality and she'll want to try again (who wants to be a single mom?) but Im in the process of accepting my fate.

 

Mid Life Crisis? The other man? Just plainly doesnt want me anymore?

Very strange, all so out of character for her.

 

Yes, I plan to No Contact as soon as she goes, and try and heal & move on emotionally. I just thought I'd post for support/ideas/examples of couples seperating and trying again.

 

I hope youre out there.......plse post. Thanks

[tears_in_rain]

Hi Del

Hope your keeping it together as best you can.

I read your post and feel a kinship to your situation. I've just experienced what you have gone through and can see many similarities apart from the kids situations. (My wife and I were supposed to start trying for kids when she dropped the bomb. I'm 36 & she's 35 together for 15 years married 2 ½ years.)

 

Out of the blue she walked out on our marriage with the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore' speech and completely blindsided me. Cue several speeches from me as to why she needs to see that it can work, we can fix this etc. Some moping, sadness & mild pestering from me. I found Loveshack fairly quickly and learned about the do's and don'ts and plenty more.

 

The wife was given space. Loads of it because within a month she had moved all her stuff out and went to her mothers. She too said that's it. It's over. She didn't want reconcilation, marriage counselling or anything.

 

Now I know why.

 

Affair.

 

I had to do more detective work than fraking Sherlock Holmes because she had already moved out.

Do yourself a favour and get a keylogger put on her computer and some spy software for her phone before she moves out. If you know any of her passwords for anything note them down. If nothing untoward shows up fine you can rest easier at night and you can think of ways to reconcile. If something is going on you will have some form of proof. Cheating can tear you up just from a suspicion. When you have proof it will eat you up less than the lies or deceit. The truth is painful but much healthier than the alternative.

 

Imagine the worst but hope for the best. I wanted reconciliation right up until I discovered the smoking gun. Even with hints and clues to the betrayal I was slightly in denial and hoped that we could get back together.

 

I hope I'm wrong about your situation and that you might be able to get back together with your partner. Not just for you but for the children too.

 

Like everyone says on here work on yourself and your kids. Heal any pain you have by keeping busy, exercising, hobbies etc.

[g450]

That's pretty much all you can do Del.

 

I had a similar story. When they tell you ILYBNILWY they most often have check out long ago from you.

 

Sorry to hear about the affair TIR . Seems there is almost always another man in the picture.

 

My heart goes out to both of you. Been there done that. Things will get worse and then better with time. Trust me on this. Just take care of you and yours. Family is #1 for support. Family will never leave you. Lean on them.

[xenomorph]

Hi Del

Hope your keeping it together as best you can.

I read your post and feel a kinship to your situation. I've just experienced what you have gone through and can see many similarities apart from the kids situations. (My wife and I were supposed to start trying for kids when she dropped the bomb. I'm 36 & she's 35 together for 15 years married 2 ½ years.)

 

Out of the blue she walked out on our marriage with the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore' speech and completely blindsided me. Cue several speeches from me as to why she needs to see that it can work, we can fix this etc. Some moping, sadness & mild pestering from me. I found Loveshack fairly quickly and learned about the do's and don'ts and plenty more.

 

The wife was given space. Loads of it because within a month she had moved all her stuff out and went to her mothers. She too said that's it. It's over. She didn't want reconcilation, marriage counselling or anything.

 

Now I know why.

 

Affair.

 

I had to do more detective work than fraking Sherlock Holmes because she had already moved out.

Do yourself a favour and get a keylogger put on her computer and some spy software for her phone before she moves out. If you know any of her passwords for anything note them down. If nothing untoward shows up fine you can rest easier at night and you can think of ways to reconcile. If something is going on you will have some form of proof. Cheating can tear you up just from a suspicion. When you have proof it will eat you up less than the lies or deceit. The truth is painful but much healthier than the alternative.

 

Imagine the worst but hope for the best. I wanted reconciliation right up until I discovered the smoking gun. Even with hints and clues to the betrayal I was slightly in denial and hoped that we could get back together.

 

I hope I'm wrong about your situation and that you might be able to get back together with your partner. Not just for you but for the children too.

 

Like everyone says on here work on yourself and your kids. Heal any pain you have by keeping busy, exercising, hobbies etc.

 

This is the same situation with me, but I haven't confirmed the affair 100%... eats me up

 

How did you manage to sherlock holmes the affair with her moved away and all? (My stbxh is long gone as well, but the affair/ongoing relationship seems to be underground).

[tears_in_rain]

Sorry to hear your in the same boat Xenomorph.

Its the worst kick in the balls ever isn't it.

 

1st - Gut instinct (if you feel it & think it, start believing it)

2nd - I had memorised all her passwords (facebook, emails, voicemail)

3nd - sneaked a peak at her mobile phone on two occasions (busted 2nd time)

4th - had set up her email account once before and remembered settings (can

only see mail sent to her not sent by her - bummer)

5th - Process of elimination and deduction my Dear Watson. Cross references all sources available to me.

 

Through the grapevine I worked out that when she said she was somewhere with a friend she was with OM and friends were just covering for her. She lies to her own family about whereabouts so she can sneak off for sordid hotel romps.

 

I was lucky to have any intel at all really. The little I had gave me trickles of info and hinted at things whilst at the same time gave me doubt as to whether I was reading too much into things. Then I found the smoking gun

thanks to FB thread detailing mostly everything. (Killed me inside)

 

If you have suspicions / red flags and they're still around lay the intel ground work. If they're gone pray and wish for luck.

[DelUK]

Thanks for the responses everyone..

 

It seems there is always another party involved in these cases doesn't it?

 

For me, I found out about the other influence over Christmas. A text message. I didn't find out what it said exactly but I proved it was sent late at night, and in secret. Boy did the red flags wave that night. Since then I have laid a few other traps and caught her every time, proving regular phone contact between them. I know they have a strong connection yet she insists it is only a friendship. And you know, when she tells me they are only friends she is highly believable! To the point where I begin to question my own sanity for thinking anything is untoward in the first place!!

We all know however, that even if they are just friends now, its highly likely it will become more, especially when she moves out.

 

I just don't understand how intelligent people can work for years to achieve the nice house/financial security/nice car/nice holidays/content family unit and then all of a sudden gamble it all, hurting everyone in the process, on what will probably be a fling. Madness.

 

My partner is 42. This guy is early thirties. Lets be blunt, she has 3 kids. I cannot see this being a long lasting relationship? I asked someone who knows him to describe him to me (before he knew the circumstances) & he said hes a 'player' ie a womaniser. Hes done the groundwork, now I suspect he'll obtain the rewards, but in doing so hes wrecked a family!

 

No doubt after a month or three, he'll then be on his way leaving the wreckage behind.

 

I'm almost embarrassed for my (ex) partner for falling for his patter, his smooth tongue, and allowing herself to fall for his chat. Silly silly girl.

 

She says its just friendship. Don't they all. Time will tell. In the meantime I have come on the most difficult emotional journey of my life, and although I'm over the worst, still have a way to travel.

 

Any further observations would be welcome, thanks...

[russell1968]

Same thing happened to me around 18 months ago , go and read my post if you have a spare week. I have just come through the meat grinder, so I know where you are at right nowListen to me now, let her do whatever she want’s focus on yourself and your kids! Get in touch with old friends , get fit, I'm one year older than you and I have just met an amazing girl! I wasted 18 months chasing after my now xwife and will never get that time back

[DelUK]

Thanks for that Russell. Yes I plan to focus on me and the kids and let her do whatever it is she plans to do. I've lost the battle to keep her.

 

Difficult though isn't it? Shes moved out in the last day or two and is fixing up her new house. Guess who's in there helping her? Yep the OM!!

 

Now this is a really insensitive thing for her to do in my book. Im not allowed anywhere near the place yet a day after getting her keys this other guy is in there fixing up her bedroom, mingling with MY KIDS (!!), my ex mother in law and her sister etc. She says hes just a friend who's helping her out but it feels like he's almost immediately replaced me in every department.

 

This really hurts and has set me back a little. The woman I loved for 16 years just seems to have disappeared overnight and has no thought for my feelings at all !!

 

I do hope this is a midlife thing and she'll work it out in her head but it looks like the end....

[Steen719]

One of the very hardest things to do is to accept that someone has replaced us. It is so hard to figure out how our H/W/Partner can be with another person so fast. I know....I understand and a lot of people on here do. It's hard not to, but try not to concentrate on how that relationship might fail and try to concentrate on you and your kids when you have them. When you don't, do some things you like to do. If she gets over him and decides you are the one for her, maybe that would work out. Chances are that when you have gone through this and started to heal, you might view things differently and decide that you are alright with the relationship being just co-parents.

 

Either way, you probably are unable to do anything to change her mind and so thinking you do will just lead to more pain.

 

Sorry for your pain. Try your best to go forward. Best wishes and HUGS to you.

[DelUK]

Bad days and below average days.....ups and downs. Thats my life at the moment. I know I'm well over the worst but it ain't getting better just yet.

 

Made the mistake of driving past her new place today. His car there again. The first real opportunity for them to be alone and he's there. Yeah of course there just friends (?)

 

Yes he might just be helping her 'put some blinds up' or whatever excuse she'd explain it away with, but we all know that's not all he's putting up, or at least working rapidly toward it. It really hurts.

 

I know I need to forget her and move on but really how do I just bury 16 years in an instant?

[tears_in_rain]

Bad days and below average days.....ups and downs. Thats my life at the moment. I know I'm well over the worst but it ain't getting better just yet.

 

Made the mistake of driving past her new place today. His car there again. The first real opportunity for them to be alone and he's there. Yeah of course there just friends (?)

 

Yes he might just be helping her 'put some blinds up' or whatever excuse she'd explain it away with, but we all know that's not all he's putting up, or at least working rapidly toward it. It really hurts.

 

I know I need to forget her and move on but really how do I just bury 16 years in an instant?

 

In short...you can't. Though it seems she can. However, I like to think that somewhere in the wayward's brain there is an emotional volcano waiting to erupt and allow them to feel the turmoil we are in.

 

I'm still in the 'every day is hell' phase two months on. Still waiting for therapy from the bloody NHS. Three more weeks. Grrrrrr ! I needed it weeks ago.

 

You seem to be further along the path if you're having average days. Fair play to you. I read somewhere that we as the betrayed ones have a good 2-5 years of getting over it to look forward to. Wonderful ! Even then it'll still be there in the back of our minds.

 

I know its hard but try not to think of them 'together' in that way. No good will come of that. Believe me I know. I still get snippets of info about when there off to some hotel to jump bones and it kills me every time.

 

Keep on keepin' on for yourself. As Steen719 said if it all ends badly for her and the other douchebag and she comes back, hopefully grovelling for your forgiveness, then think about it along the line. If your in better place for yourself you may decide you don't want her back or you do.

But if you do take her back.....only on your terms.

Edited May 10, 2012 by tears_in_rain

[DelUK]

This pain is not going away.

 

I look at other couples, who are obviously close, and I remember........how me and her were. No more.

 

How could the woman who I have loved and shared things with for such a long period of time suddenly toss it away and favour some other guy??! Just like that?

 

It really hurts me.

 

I have some friends who suggested I should look the OM up, for my own mental sake, but Im not sure this is the answer. (?) Surely if she's already moved out & gone to these lengths to avoid me, really I should let her go regardless of who is involved and focus on moving on myself....

 

This journey is tough. I hope I make it.....

 

Any posts appreciated...

Forgive her LORD, for she know not what she does....

[96nole]

This pain is not going away.

 

I look at other couples, who are obviously close, and I remember........how me and her were. No more.

 

How could the woman who I have loved and shared things with for such a long period of time suddenly toss it away and favour some other guy??! Just like that?

 

It really hurts me.

 

I have some friends who suggested I should look the OM up, for my own mental sake, but Im not sure this is the answer. (?) Surely if she's already moved out & gone to these lengths to avoid me, really I should let her go regardless of who is involved and focus on moving on myself....

 

This journey is tough. I hope I make it.....

 

Any posts appreciated...

Forgive her LORD, for she know not what she does....

 

It's too soon for the pain to go away. Don't fight it. When the pain comes, let it out. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to scream, then scream. Don't let it build up.

 

Looking the OM up may not do much for you. I know my STBXW's OM is a dirtbag loser that's 40 years old, can't support himself, and lives with his mommy. It eats me up that he is what she cheated on me with. Since i threw her out 3 months ago for cheating on me with him for the second time, I know she has spent many a night with him at his mommy's house. It has not been very good for my ego. It may not be good for you either. You're correct in that she is the one that has made the decision to move out to be with him. He may be the biggest dirtbag on the planet. But for some reason she wants to be with him.

 

Focusing on yourself is one of those "easier said than done" sayings. However, it is correct. She mentally checked out of your relationship a while ago. You didn't and that's why it's so hard for you right now. You are still thinking in the "us" or "we" mindset. You need to start thinking in the "me" or "I" mindset. I know how hard it is. For 15 years I thought in "us and we". Now I also have to change how i think to the "I" and "me"

 

This journey is tough. You will make it. Remember, you are the honest one. You are the faithful one. You are the compassionate one. But it is one day at a time for you. Some days it feels like it's one hour at a time.

 

Oh and by the way, she DOES know what she is doing. Nobody put a gun to her head. She is not a brainless doll. She put A LOT of thought into this long before you knew anything about it. There was nothing sudden about this to her. Only to you. And that's why it hurts you so much.

[tears_in_rain]

exactly what 96nole said.

 

You've got to be the best YOU...you can be.

Mould yourself into the best version of yourself that you want to see.

No external influences.

 

If you saw yourself walking down the street would you want to see someone with their shoulders drooping down, looking like the world has shat on them from a great height repeatedly.....probably not.

 

Instead if you saw a dynamic, confident and happy person who looks like they know what they want and looks like they'll try to get it....that's what you should aim for.

 

What do YOU want in life. What would make YOU happy. How would YOU like others to see YOU. What things do YOU enjoy.

 

You won't make these changes overnight or even in a few months. Baby steps

first. Work on healing the worst of it with things you can achieve now. Like exercise, personal appearance, making sure you eat well or at least something even if you don't feel like it. Try to sleep. Watch films that you're other half never wanted to watch with you, crank up the stereo and play tunes that you love but she didn't. Meet new people, catch up with old friends.

You get the drift......small steps first.

 

Maybe then set yourself larger goals. Achievable goals you think you could do in a time frame of a year. Promotion at work, a better job with better pay, travel somewhere you always wanted to go, learn an instrument / language / skill or take up a hobby you always thought of doing but never quite got round to doing it.

 

The pain is going to be rough. Probably every waking minute. Don't worry if you want to cry either, you're human and going through something that I think is one of the most inhumane things one person who claimed to love someone can do to another. I literally was overwhelmed just walking to the post office the other day. The only thing that stopped me running into the nearest take-away with a toilet to mask my tears was that it was raining cats and dogs. So like my username tears in rain. Poetic but miserable.

 

**** the other guy. **** your partner. Sorry to say she has now been replaced with a total c u next Tuesday. It's not you're fault she chose to 'do' this scumbag. That's 100% her's to own. There was a line in the sand and SHE chose to cross it because right now she is a c**t. Right now you will not see the person you've loved for so long. Her mind in cold granite and selfish to the core.

 

Which why again this is about you and the continued care and love you must show you're daughters.

 

If you have a faith and think that it can help you along and keep you strong, great. But she planned this with cold, gutless precision for some time so maybe (insert deity here) should not forgive such a wanton act of betrayal on a fellow human. But you married her not (insert deity). Only you can chose your path. If you chose the hard road to reconciliation if she crawls back and begs for forgiveness, so be it. I'm sure people her will advise you if you wish.

Otherwise if this is it...we'll be there anyway for you.

[Steen719]

Del...I know what you mean about the couples. I went to Walmart one day and I swear, it seemed like everyone was a couple and happy. They were holding hands and I was sick. It was all I could do to finish up and get in the car and start crying. I was a mess. This was about 2 months ago (wow, that is hard to believe it has been that long). I can tell you that I can now go and generally, I don't feel that anymore when I go shopping...just a twinge. 22 years I was married.

 

Today, I actually had a bad memory of him from way back. Where did that come from? I am healing. It is a long, painful journey. YOU WILL MAKE IT! Cry when you need to. It is cathartic and cleansing. Put one foot in front of the other and move forward. The roller coaster ride gets better. You may not feel great, but the lows won't be as bad. Really, they won't.

 

Oh, and leave the piece of crap OM alone. What is the point? She has what she deserves and so does he. Be above it. It will not help you and might make you feel worse.

[DelUK]

Thanks for the responses everyone, thanks for the support..

 

Is delusion part of the recovery process?

I still hope, deep down, the girl might reflect and come back?

How daft is that?

 

The sensible part of me tells me how it is: Shes been (talking) to another man since November, shes left me, shes bought a house, shes broke her family up, shes obviously been seeing this guy, even if it is still platonic. Shes done all this yet the sentimental part of me still says she could reflect and come back?! How silly is it for me still to hope.....?

Shes only been gone a week!

Daft I know but I do still hope....!

Even with all the hurt shes caused me...

 

We didnt bring children into the world to not be a family unit! When/will common sense hit her coz I sure hope it does....

 

I know what shes going through isnt unique. Just reading these message boards tells me how common it is, the walkaway wife, the mid life crisis, the affair fog......there must be hope surely? Time will tell.

 

In the meantime, I must just let time pass and keep it together...

[DelUK]

My word I sound like a wuss.

 

Yes I do still hope & Yes I do still love her BUT what will be will be...

 

I'll get on with living shall I...

[DelUK]

The OM is at her house almost daily doing jobs. Hmmm, suss I know although I have seen him painting the other day, and lots of other jobs do seem to have been done.

 

She says he's just being a good friend. I say, no man would invest so much of his own time if he didn't expect to get something out of it....Do you agree? or am I misguided here?

He's putting in the groundwork to get a reward down the line....surely?

I think she is naive. She says he isn't like that....isn't like other men (me). I know different. I know how mens minds work.

He is doing this for his reasons and not just out of friendliness....what do others think?

[Owl]

OK...so have you exposed her affair (emotional or otherwise) to family and friends that would potentially side with you in your effort to reconcile and rebuild your marriage?

 

That's step one. Tell them all that you're fighting to save your family, and your relationship with her. Ask them to talk to her about what's going on...and inform them of the 'influence' that you feel OM is. Let them know how you feel that his constant presence is going to confuse your kids.

 

Step two...talk with an attorney. You likely have marital rights under a "common law" type marriage, and as part of that you might be able to INSIST that no other male spend the night in the same house as your daughters until after a divorce is final. A divorce might well be required after 16 years together...look up what common law marriages fall under in your state/country.

 

Step 3...start working on taking care of yourself and your own home at this point. Start working out, do something to alleviate the stress you're feeling right now. Work on whatever repairs or fixes you need in your own living environment. Ensure that it is kid safe/friendly so that you can have your daughters over as often as possible.

 

Step 4...start a journal listing any and all pertinent information in your interactions with her. It's not admissable in court, but the information is still something that the judge might take into account.

 

Step 5 Pick up a copy of "Surviving an affair"...see if that can give you more insight on how to end the affair. BUT...be prepared...exit affairs are often very successful at extracting the marital partner from the marriage.

 

Step 6 Get yourself to the doctor, and consider individual counseling to help you cope with all of this. AD's/anxiety meds might help you even out a lot.

 

There's somethings you can do to start workign through all this. Hope it helps.

[Texsec]

Del, I'm guessing this guy is single? I would do some research and find out....If he isn't, out him to his wife ASAP.

It's way more than a EA, I'm sorry, but, it has been for a long time...When we get the ILYB speech + "I need space" they are already involved. My STBX did the same thing and a week after moving out she was having him over....

 

Hang in there. I know about hoping for something to change. I waited a year, but, nothing changed.

 

All the best

[DelUK]

Yeah the guy is single. Hes early thirties, my ex is 42.

 

I feel stronger day by day and posting here does help. But, it is still hard.

 

Ive had my kids today but now Im alone in the former family home and it is so quiet. I really wonder what is going on in her head, whether she has any feelings for the 16 years we spent together but it appears she doesnt.

 

I know I must move on and I am trying but again, its not an easy process. How can someone you have been so close to for so long inflict such pain?

 

I think its a Mid Life thing and this guy has provoked it. Im hoping it'll fizzle out and she'll see what shes done.

 

She told me recently that her family have hardly been to her new house, and have not helped her much. I thought to myself, yes, thats probably because they dont agree with what youve done! They dont agree that youve broken the family up for selfish reasons!!

 

Any further support appreciated....

[DelUK]

Feeling low and lonely....

 

Hate this feeling, almost makes you not want to love again for fear of hurt.

 

Will time bring her back??

[Steen719]

Feeling low and lonely....

 

Hate this feeling, almost makes you not want to love again for fear of hurt.

 

Will time bring her back??

 

Time will bring you back. Trite, but true and more important to your feeling better. Work on you because you cannot control her and her behavior and thoughts, only yours.

[DelUK]

Feel like Im making progress, albeit slow steps, but I keep getting little knockbacks.

 

Not only has she left me, and is apparantly very close to this other man, but he is now mingling with my kids!! They are going for days out together (him and his child) with her and my kids!! Ive told her I feel this is too soon but it goes over her head. She shouldnt be mixing two familys so soon, its a matter of weeks! Does anyone agree this is too soon?

 

Ok she's obviously seeing him but she should be doing this when she hasnt got my kids with her.

 

A friend of mine got divorced and didnt introduce his new flame to his child for over a year!!

 

When I do see my kids (which thankfully is daily) I'm met with stories of what they have all been doing together......a kick in the guts

 

I) Im coming to terms with losing my best friend & partner of 16 years

ii) Now I'm having to come to terms with my kids gettin a new step parent - All in a matter of weeks!

 

Its not how it should be!

[notbroken]

Del, sorry for the mess. I'm sorry, but your spouse is gone. The sooner you can accept that the sooner you can begin to move on. The reality is that you don't want her back any way. It would be almost impossible for you to truly forgive her. Your old life is gone. Not to be forgotten, but looked back on fondly for what it was. You now have to make a new life. Day by day make a new life. You'll go through all the stages of grief but eventually you'll wake up one day and realize life is great after all.