Hoping for a future...

[DelUK]

3 months on from my ex moving out and its apparent that her little fling with the other man is over, (just as I predicted), albeit faster that I thought it would be.

 

In those 3 months I have steadily improved my thought process and (even though it hurts when I see her), had resigned myself to our seperation. The news that the OM is no longer on the scene however has unfortunately set me back, and Im now wondering if it changes anything on her part.

 

Her infatuation with this guy led to her leaving me. Now it is over, will I come back into her long term thoughts? I was with her for 16 years!

 

I know I must carry on as I have been. No contact unless about our children, but I do hope it does change things and she can now see what she has given up and the hurt she has caused.

 

The OM not being on the scene is a positive.....and Im taking it as such..but it may also provide me with false hope. I hope she turns back my way.

 

Any thoughts? Continue mending myself and re-building I suppose...?

[stupidgirl22]

Hope you're feeling better about all this. What a terrible ordeal you have been put through. I suspect you've been traumatized by your exs treatment towards you. She has lied about OM who wasn't 'just a friend' (they ALL say that and trust me its a big hefty excuse!!). No man or woman in a serious relatinship should be involved in antoher close relationship with an opposite sex 'friend'. its wrong she knows that and is treating you like an idiot! Get rid, ignore her, shes not worth your thoughts she doesn't 'love' you do lie and cheat on you!!

 

I recommend you reading a book - 'Not just Friends' by Shirley Glass.

 

Keep smiling

[Mint Sauce]

Del,

 

Very tough story indeed.

 

Keep in mind the possibility that the OM was just a way for her to get out, the perspective that allowed her to take that step, and therefore that she won't come back.

I think that should be your default expectation, to avoid another emotional blow.

 

I know, it's amazing how somebody you know as kind and caring can suddenly be so cruel, so without empathy. As if they are angry with you without reason.

 

Hang in there.

[DelUK]

Thanks for your thoughts and help....

 

My problem dealing with this over the last few days is this: before she went (and before it became apparent WHY she was leavin ie the OM) she talked a helluva lot about needing space, about taking time out, about her new house being a long term investment, about the move maybe being just temporary etc.

 

Now I went No Contact when she left (except about the kids) and have maintained this for 3 months. Now the OM appears to have dropped off, I'm now hoping this will change things, but how do I know, without asking her and thus breaking the No Contact? The temptation is for me to ask her about her & us and the future, but that breaks the idea of NC & the 180 etc?! I also fear her answer might be a negative one which would finally end all hope.

 

Do I maintain the good work Ive done so far by continuing to ignore her antics but living in hope? or ask her and know for sure. Or just wait. You see I kinda want to stay in the hope state for now, if Im honest.

 

I still say this is Mid Life Crisis text book stuff. Help plse, any thoughts, however small.

[Mint Sauce]

I'd say you have plenty of occasions to show what a fine man you are when picking up the kids. If the OM is really out of the picture, and you are occasionally in it, that should suffice to re-ignite the spark for her. I would expect more discussions about the two of you to push her away.

Don't you want her to choose for you again whole heartedly, rather than being convinced into it?

Perhaps when you meet her in the context of the kids, you could subtly open the door a little, see if she comes forward (e.g. see if she's touched by a compliment). If you ask outright, she may say no, "I'm not coming back", even if there's a little bit of doubt in her mind. It's like quantum mechanics: if you measure it, you force it into a state.

[DelUK]

Time goes on and Im still an emotional mess. Some days strong, others terrible.

 

The news this other guy is no longer on the scene is good and I still hope for a reconciliation. All that she has done I could forgive. All that doesn't even matter to me anymore. I just want her back.

 

Im keepin on, looking after me and my girls. Ive taken them on two holidays without their mum, and it was fine. What she was doing without her kids for two weeks who only knows. I half thought being without the kids may have at least provoked her to question if shes done the right thing but Ive had no outward sign. We're amicable re the kids, generally by text, but theres no sign of anything else.

 

I see a counsellor and Im holding everything together but its hard at times. I realise it is still early days though. If this is MLC it could be endless.

 

Anyone got a Crystal Ball?

[2sunny]

Exposé to all family and friends! She needs consequences. Quit being her doormat!

 

She's not the woman you thought she could be!

 

You're handing HER too much of YOUR power. It's time to restore the balance and take some of your power back.

Edited September 21, 2012 by 2sunny

[DelUK]

Well here dream with the other man is over, yet I now find her on a dating website!!

 

Its obvious shes not coming back this way isn't it??

Shes advertising herself and every thing she says she wants fits me, what the fu*k is she doing?

 

Do i let her get on with it, get messed around by other blokes and accept shes gone for good? Do I tell her Ive seen her on the website? Let her know that Im still here for her, or continue the NC? She always said this period of space wasnt about other men, although that was obviously a lie!

[Gunny376]

Well here dream with the other man is over, yet I now find her on a dating website!!

 

Its obvious shes not coming back this way isn't it??

Shes advertising herself and every thing she says she wants fits me, what the fu*k is she doing?

 

Do i let her get on with it, get messed around by other blokes and accept shes gone for good? Do I tell her Ive seen her on the website? Let her know that Im still here for her, or continue the NC? She always said this period of space wasnt about other men, although that was obviously a lie!

 

http://www.amazon.com/Womens-Infidelity-Living-Limbo-Really/dp/0976772604

 

Just read the Table of Contents?

[DelUK]

Hi Guys

 

Its just about 12 months since my world was turned upside down one Friday night.

12 months since my partner of 16 years told me she wasn't sure she loved me, all out of nowhere. The Bomb.

I discovered an emotional affair with a guy at work.

She eventually moved out. He was there a lot.

The affair now seems to be have fallen to bits.

Shes since been on dating sites.

Shes now on her own (I think) in a hastily purchased house with a mortgage around her neck, and all the same hassles. Probably more. I still see her stressing.

Ive been pretty much no contact with her except re the kids.

We talked for the first time about a month ago, at her initation & I kept it all lighthearted.

 

Ive been through **** this last 12 months.

 

I remain polite & receptive to her when dealing with arrangements for the kids. I remain a good father.

Shes invited me to hers for Christmas day, I guess purely for the kids sake.

I haven't accepted yet. Will seem strange having nothing to do with her for months then sitting in her house ?!

 

She seems to be out on the town each week, getting smashed. She will grow tired of this lifestyle, as she did when she was younger.

 

12 months and Im still a mess, inside. In my head. Thoughts will not go away. I know I need to move on, yeah, but tell my head that.

 

I maintain this is a classic mid life crisis. I want to be proved right.

I want to be the loyal partner, & watch this play out until she understands that shes taken all her problems with her, & it wasn't me in the first place.

 

I am waiting, positive, polite & patient. Yet I know that shes gone and Im daft for even thinking it. But I will remain, at least for a few more months....probably until the anniversary of her moving out.

 

****ty 12 months.

 

Anyone know anything about the 40+ Female Mid Life Crisis?

Anyone care to comment? (Thanks)

[bvelvet]

It's too soon for the pain to go away. Don't fight it. When the pain comes, let it out. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to scream, then scream. Don't let it build up.

 

Looking the OM up may not do much for you. I know my STBXW's OM is a dirtbag loser that's 40 years old, can't support himself, and lives with his mommy. It eats me up that he is what she cheated on me with. Since i threw her out 3 months ago for cheating on me with him for the second time, I know she has spent many a night with him at his mommy's house. It has not been very good for my ego. It may not be good for you either. You're correct in that she is the one that has made the decision to move out to be with him. He may be the biggest dirtbag on the planet. But for some reason she wants to be with him.

 

Focusing on yourself is one of those "easier said than done" sayings. However, it is correct. She mentally checked out of your relationship a while ago. You didn't and that's why it's so hard for you right now. You are still thinking in the "us" or "we" mindset. You need to start thinking in the "me" or "I" mindset. I know how hard it is. For 15 years I thought in "us and we". Now I also have to change how i think to the "I" and "me"

 

This journey is tough. You will make it. Remember, you are the honest one. You are the faithful one. You are the compassionate one. But it is one day at a time for you. Some days it feels like it's one hour at a time.

 

Oh and by the way, she DOES know what she is doing. Nobody put a gun to her head. She is not a brainless doll. She put A LOT of thought into this long before you knew anything about it. There was nothing sudden about this to her. Only to you. And that's why it hurts you so much.

 

This is fantastically well said.