Can't stop thinking of bf's past relationship

[sakura23]

Ok, so I am definitely crazy, obsessed, and insecure.

 

I have known my boyfriend for 9 years and we have been dating for 3, but before me he had a girlfriend for about 1 year with whom had had gotten engaged. I didn't get this way until maybe 1 year into our relationship, but I cannot stop thinking about his past engagement. I wonder why he had been so eager and certain that he wanted to marry this girl, but hasn't proposed to me or even brought up the topic of marriage.

 

I don't know why I do this, but I check his ex's facebook page all the time. I don't ever expect to find anything, but I guess I am just curious about her, and I can't help but think she is way prettier than me. His sister is also friends with her, and that makes me nervous somehow. Also, because my boyfriend NEVER says anything about his past relationships, a while back I got into his email account and read messages from when they were dating (horrible I know). The way that they talked to each other just brought me to tears--he'd say the nicest things to her and really open up to her, and was so excited to tell his family that they were getting married. And, I don't really feel like he acts that way toward me. He's told me that he's not an affectionate person, but I know he has it in him based on those emails I saw. It hurts that he feels it unnecessary to treat me like I am special to him or something. I sometimes I feel like I am a rebound because we started going out maybe 6 months after they broke up--isn't that kind of short?

 

 

So I have been feeling this way for probably about 2 years now, and recently one night after a few glasses of wine, something came up where i mentioned how he had been engaged before, but he won't get engaged to me, and that it kind of bothers me. He actually got really defensive saying "I can't believe you'd bring that up! She means nothing to me! I was young and stupid! You need to just get over it!" He claims he doesn't even remember proposing to her but I know that is not true. When we moved in together he had a picture frame with he, his ex, and some friends in it. I asked him "why do you still have this?" and his response was "its a nice picture..." I took the picture out eventually and he didn't mind.

 

I know they are TINY things and I am not sure why I let them bother me!! How can I stop being so insecure? Its really hard for me to express my feelings and I know there are communication issues between my bf and I. I know he doesn't have feelings for his ex and would never want to see her again, but I just cant help think about what they USED to have, and why we don't have that now.

 

Anyway, any feedback would be great. I sorta just needed to vent.

 

Thanks.

[Leigh 87]

First of all - u had no right to snoop. However, I have also done it to my bf but it is important we DO NOT do it again. Got it? PLEASE, we both need to try to better ourselves and resist the urge to snoop - it REEKS of insecurity and low self esteem. I have stopped, I hope you have decided to never do it again too...

 

 

I would feel bad, too, about the fact he proposed ealier and talked more sweetly to her. Luckily for me, my boyfriend has never been the type to call girls babe, beautiful, and pet names, until me. The fact your guy had a serious relationshi before u, is not something I have delt with.

 

However, my boyfriend had one girl he liked and was beginning to love, before me. SHe was MUCH MUCH prettier than me, WAY more intelligent, has a masters degree, and speaks about 4 - 5 languages AND is a FUN loving, crazy party girl even though she studied hard, and has sky dived and everything.

 

This girl was better than me in all ways, but I have finally taken peace in the fact that I AM ME, and the fact no one else is me, means he is in love with a uniue individual that no one else is.. ....

I can improve myself, so I can be good at things like hsi ex was. Not to compete with her, but I genunely WANT to make myself a better person.

 

I am really over it. He really loves me for me and we are at a stage where we are super close, and we are really invested in a future together, and I know he really loves me. So what, he had a better ex - she may have been BETTER quality, in many ways, but she was not ME.

I am totally confident in his love for ME.

 

It is very hard to get over these insecurities I know, but the first step is to NEVER snoop again through his things. Second of all, focus on making yourself a better person, and learning to love the fact he loves YOU, and be confident in his unique love for you.

Ultimately, you need to realize that you have to be confident im his love for you as an individual; he loves u in his own way, and is just as into YOU as any other girl.

 

If your having trouble accepting his past relationship feel free to Pm me or talk on this topic with me on here:) I really felt bad about my b/fs ex, but I am lerning to deal with it, and can talk to u about it if u need to.

[sakura23]

Thanks for your support Leigh. I totally agree with what you said. I know I am the one that is creating doubt where there shouldn't be, but it's like I can't help myself. His lack of affection and reassurance, and my inability to communicate with him properly doesn't help the situation. I don't check is messages because I don't trust him or think he's cheating, I guess I do it because I want to see if he's saying anything about me to his friends or if he's telling them things that he should be telling me. He doesn't open up to me so I am curious what's on his mind. I realize that snooping is TOTALLY not the way to go about it, but like I said, I can't really bring myself to talk about what I am feeling in our relationship. I know that is not an excuse to snoop and I am trying to stop. And it's not just him though, I have always had a hard time expressing deep, personal feelings. Even my friends have told me "I never know what you're thinking...it seems like you don't have any emotion..."

 

I have actually opened up about my concerns to my bf a few times, but I don't seem to get it back from him. He reassures me whenever I am already upset and bring it up, but besides that...hardly ever. Maybe I am asking too much or something, but there have been 2 or 3 times where I broke down and clearly told him I don't feel like he cares about me, or that I am the most important thing to him, or I wish he'd treat like I mean a little bit more to him that any other person, but he doesn't seem to get it, because nothing changes and it just leads to me having another break down.

 

I sometimes feel like I am self destructive for reading way to deep into this.

 

Thank you.

[RiverRunning]

Keeping pictures can be a red flag, sakura. Luckily, in your case, you removed it and it was no big deal to him. But if I were stupid enough to forget and leave a picture of my ex laying around, and my boyfriend said: "Hey, why do you have this?" I'd apologize profusely and remove it. I'd then either: put it up someplace where he'll never have to see it, or more likely, throw it away since I feel it's best to get rid of reminders.

 

I do think you're reading too much into why he hasn't proposed to you. He proposed to her within a span of a YEAR - very quick, don't you think? There are couples who can manage that, but for most younger couples, I can't imagine getting engaged after just a year. Was that his first engagement? He probably had dumb boy syndrome, where the first or first few relationships are ever-so-thrilling and unique and OMG, and then he proposed, and BLAM, hit him right in the face.

 

His engagement was obviously a mistake - it ended, didn't it?

 

It may seem unfair ...you're the follow-up and you're wondering what's up. However, I can say that if marriage hasn't come up by THREE YEARS, there's likely a problem. Especially if you're in your twenties by now, it should have come up. If you're in your mid-20s, it should be a serious topic of discussion and not just an idle "OH, maybe...one day...someday...kind of..."

 

Just as I think it's too soon to get engaged after a year (FOR MOST people - older couples are different), I also think it's swinging in the other direction if after 3 years, no one's had a serious marriage conversation. You may have to be the one to broach the topic and ask him his thoughts on getting married. But he's got to be willing to talk with you about that. If he can't talk about it now, good luck ever getting him to talk about it.

 

And the dynamics of relationships are always different. Maybe his ex was flirtatious and she could bring out that more...poetic side of him, we'll say. Maybe your dynamic is different. It doesn't necessarily mean he DOESN'T love you - just that you each express those feelings differently.

[Professor X]

1. Google up retroactive jealousy,

 

2. You might simply not be a match. Maybe, but maybe you need a person who is treating you differently cause it is very likely that your BF did change after he broke up with his ex' and that he did became colder.

 

3. the 6 months time he took before starting a RS with you is fine, doesn't seem short at all.

 

4. Realize that he loves you in a different way than he used to love his ex' - maybe you wish he did love the same way, but he can't and never will be, since you are you.

[darkmoon]

a broken engagement with one then not proposing to another?

 

this man is not the marrying kind; 3 years in, you should be able to to talk about anything, be it love needing no contract (i bet he thinks that) or whether he is planning a career that can fund a family which is a huge/scary responsiblity, nothing should be taboo, but you have to accept his answers, i think the engagement was about a younger version of him with some girl, but you can't afford to moan at him too unappealing, but you must both feel free to discuss anything freely 3 years in

[darkmoon]

a broken engagement with one then not proposing to another?

[pteromom]

Every relationship is different. Maybe she inspired him to be more open and affectionate, and your insecurity prevents you from doing so? Who knows!

 

But because he made the mistake of becoming engaged to someone when he was younger doesn't mean he should make the same mistake with you.

 

I got married after dating a guy for 6 months when I was in my 20s. It was stupid and it only lasted a year.

 

In my current marriage, we dated for 2 years before getting married. It wasn't because I loved my first husband more - it was because I LEARNED SOMETHING the first time around.

 

As far as photos of exes, I agree it is in poor taste to leave one out for current gf to see. But I have all my old pictures socked away - that's my life, and I am not going to throw my life and everything that made me what I am away just to soothe someone's jealousy.

 

You need to realize that you are a worthy and unique person. You have a lot to offer. Be yourself and show him all of you. Express yourself. He'll either respond well, in which case, he'll hopefully be able to open up himself, or he'll withdraw, in which case he isn't the guy for you.

 

And quit comparing yourself to his ex. Quit looking at her FB page - just block her! You are torturing yourself for no reason.