left an unhappy marriage, but now i am even more of a mess than before

[milla]

I don't know where to start, or what advice I want... but here I go...

 

I left my husband almost a month ago. It wasn't a rash decision, my discontent had been brewing for about a year. We would have been married two years this July.

 

I'm moved to Florida where I have friends, and now I'm on my own and I'm finding it so hard to cope with everything. We decided not to divorce but to live seperately for awhile... I just signed a six-month lease and he will be going to Iraq in November for one year.

 

I never expected to still feel so strongly for him, but once I left I was a mess. I thought I would walk out the door and never look back, but that hasn't been the case at all. We still talk several times a day, and at one point I even agreed to come back, but as soon as I did, his voice changed and he started being an a**h*** again, nagging, saying that he still didn't feel wrong about anything and then he even reneged on his promise of marriage counselling because he found out how much it cost. I told him that I didn't care, that to me, even if we spend thousands on marriage counselling in the coming years, but we're happy, then its worth. He told me he would rather buy a house. I was so offended that he could put a price on our marriage. So I told him to go buy one by himself and signed my lease the next day.

 

The thing is, I don't feel that I get any emotional support from the "friends" I have out here and honestly, I cry almost everyday that I'm alone in my apartment and who is there to listen to all my problems and who is my rock in this time? My husband. He listens to me tirelessly and I love and appreciate that, but we had so many problems that I think this separation is necessary... and maybe when he comes home from Iraq in November 2005, things will be different because I'll have my own life and he'll be joining me. We're both pretty young, I'm 25 and he is 23.

 

I left him because I felt like he didn't care about my needs and desires and that everything was about him and his life and I was just along for the ride. I hated where we lived, I hated my job, I wanted more freedom, I wanted to be more creative, but he insisted I do things on his terms. I'm originally from Australia, and he kept me from going home all year just because he didn't want to be away from me. He treated me like I was a moron and controlled the purse strings like a Nazi... this is another reason I think he's wrong for me... I would love nothing more right now than to buy a plane ticket back to California to be with him... but I can never do that because I've spent several thousand dollars setting myself up here and the money will be an issue... even though he makes between 6 - 10k per month in his sales job, I know I will never hear the end of how I spent all the money I have and it hurts to know for a fact that even though I love him, the money I spent will be hanging over my head for the rest of my life if I went back to him. If the situation were reversed and I wanted him to come home, the money would never be mentioned even for a fleeting second... just like the cost of marriage counselling would be a non issue to me also.

 

So now I feel stuck because I can't go back, I'm an emotional train wreck crying everyday... the friends I have here... I've known them a long time, but they've become much more superficial than I remembered and I don't feel like I can open up. I just sense that they don't want hear my fussing and blubbering... you know fairweather friends and all of that. I'm trying to concentrate on making money and making other friends... but I feel so needy and I feel that I have nothing to offer.

 

Some of my friends asy that this "not getting divorced" thing is a really stupid idea and that I shouldn't go back because he won't change... that he proves that with a lot of things my husband lets "slip" when he thinks he has the upperhand. The other thing is, I don't get any benefit out of not getting divorced except that when he goes active duty I'll have medical taken care of. My husband on the otherhand will get a whole slew of additional allowances from the military because he'll have a dependent. My immigration status will be finalized next year, but I don't need him to stay in the US. I actually don't even know if I will stay. I'm thinking I might go home to my family in Australia when my lease is up. My friends point out that yet again, Hubby is motivated by money and what is the benefit to me? What if I meet someone else while he's away?

 

I don'rt really know what advice I am looking for, but I ust feel crazy and everyday I just feel like I'm crumbling more and more emotionally and I can't help thinking... was it that bad? why did I leave? but i know he made me crazy, our sex life was in the ****ter, he was a hypocrite, he was unsupportive, when we fought all he wanted to do was win... so to him, if he out-frustrated me and out-talked me, but made no sense... then that meant he was right and won the argument because I couldn't keep up with his motor-mouth and couldn't defend myself fast enough from his slew of irrational arguments. He once berated me for five hours because I shopped and spent $60 and overdrew our checking account... five hours, no exagerration. I came home that evening at 9pm and we weren't done until just after 2am. Needless to say I never bought another thing again.. I gained so much weight last year because between my miserable job I hated so much and not being able to shop and not being able to join a gm because hubby deemed it too expensive, and our sex life dwindling... I was just miserable. What was my motivation to stay slim? One day he dared complain about my clothes and I just went from zero to hysterically screaming and crying at him because I was so unhappy with the way I looked and the fact that I couldn't shop and that I couldn't work out, honestly, I wanted to scratch his eyes out in anger. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to complain. He would take my whole paycheck and give me about $150 a week for gas, lunches and groceries... and then he had the nerve to say "well, i give you money every week! but you don't shop!!!" I asked him recently why the HECK he married a pretty woman who dressed nicely and went to the gym and had ambitions and things she wanted to do... if he was just going to hold her back from everything and turn her into a dowdy suburban frump to boot??? I am still struggling to lose the weight. He married me at 130lbs, at the end of last year I was 182lbs!!! Now I am about 155lbs. I'm trying hard, but it's so hard to get back into my old lifestyle. But I'm working on it.... So yeah... I guess it was really that bad.

 

Is it normal to be so messed up emotionally right now? I thought that when I left I'd be freeof him and therefore happy... but I'm not!!! I'm so needy and lonely and I miss him so much, I just miss coming home to somebody, having someone there to share everything with... I never counted on leaving and feeling so alone and vulnerable.

 

It's not the right reason to go back to him just because I'm afriad and lonely... but I miss him so much... but don't worry, I can't go back anyway because I spent so much money that I can't get back, and he will never forgive me for that... so I won't go back, but it's so hard because I really want to.

[zoomer]

I read your post and thought to myself.....she needs to sit back and read what she wrote... Think of what you said . You admitted that you are simply Lonely and miss having someone to come home to, miss SOMEONE to do things with...etc., (VERY NORMAL THOUGHTS) This is a phase you are going through with the separation which is perfectly normal - especially with you moving so far away and making such a big move....friends, job, etc! My hat is off to you girl! BUT ...you said SOMEONE...You didn't say HIM..!

 

Slow down, take a deep, big breath and go through each day one at a time...Keep busy...join a gym...find the old you! I truly feel time will answer your own questions. Each and every single one of us will go through lonely times in our lives...no matter what your age... We all have to endure that horrible feeling at a point. If your friends are being negative and non-supportive, don't confide in them and you will find that one true friend that is willing to listen to you "tirelessly" and be there at any time you need, day or night.

 

Re-read the things you said about your husband... Darling, I think you know there is just a void there right now because you don't have the weight of the obnoxious jerk pulling you down... Even bad and negative people in our lives tend to grow on us and we "get used to" them and miss them when they are gone. It doesn't mean we should or need to keep them around. I hope I am making sense to you because I'm not sure I'm getting this out sounding right...I just hated to hear your story, It breaks my heart because you are young and at the Prime in your life. You should be enjoying each and every day with someone who is deserving of you. I truly believe that person will show - of course, always when we least expect. I wish you well and if you need someone to talk to...I'm here for you. Harmless of course, Mother of five children and not that damned old yet...LOL... Still Young enough to know things...

 

Normally, I would always, always suggest anyone considering divorce to go to all extremes to save the marriage. However, in this case..Just from what you said...I would have to say that I would suggest you getting out. I think the year waiting will cause you much grief for a long period of time. You will still be married which will no doubt effect all your decisions in your single life...because you are living as a single person...or apart... etc....I think it will only cause you more pain and grief. Just my opinion..

[Tatchina]

Milla, I just finished reading your post and I know where you are, but here is some advice if you want it...I posted it also in my post...

 

"Milla, I really think that you and your Husband should get back together now!! Just a word of advice, since you both obviously still want your marriage and being that he is leaving in November for Iraq, you guys should spend all the time you have building...marriage is a very hard relationship and even though you don't want to be in the city that you are, that is really a very minor problem...believe me, it could be way more serious...do not leave doors open for someone else to walk into your marriage...If you can be together, do it now and look at the positive side of the relationship.... "

[zoomer]

Tatchina: While I normally would totally agree with what you said...I didn't see where she explained that he wants her to come home. When she mentioned it..."he immediately became the a**h***" again...and he refuses to get counseling.. He seems to be very closed minded, and admits that he thinks he is never wrong. Now that is a man with a problem. And I think if she were to go back...it would be the same. He has issues and needs counseling more than anything but refuses. He controls her rather than supporting her. He belittles her ruining her self-esteem, self worthiness, etc., How can he be good for her? They have no children and the marriage is still new. Just don't understand why she should submit herself back to someone who is not willing to work at it no matter what the cost (and I'm not just referring to monetary issues)

 

He should want her unconditionally, and support her, miss her, want her, and be willing to do whatever it takes to get her back! Including counseling, giving her freedom, etc....

[zoomer]

What did she say positive about that relationship?

[Tatchina]

Zoomer, I really hadn't read the whole thing, but I see exactly what you mean...however, maybe, if he thinks that he is really losing her maybe that will open his eyes....Wow, I don't know what else to say.

[zoomer]

I know! Some posts are really long and I tend to look over them..This one I read it's entirety and couldn't find one single thing she said about him good. Nor could I see that he had that losing feeling... Normally, as I said, I think marriages should be worked out, they are not easy! It's much easier to get out of them. The only reason I would suggest this young lady bolt...(excuse the phrase) but that's how I feel, is that she is young, they have no children yet (Thank the Good Lord) and he seems to be a real jerk, genuine controlling male. She's already made a huge move...showing a lot of guts. She had to be fed up to do such a thing.

 

If she can be so strong in making the move she did...she can make it through this tough lonely time! I know you can! Stay busy, get back to the gym...which will definitely make you feel good, go places, do things, hang out with your friends..without discussing the hubby...have fun, let yourself have fun! That is my suggestion... Good Luck and you are in my prayers. Never doubt the power of prayer!

[milla]

So the consensus is then that I've done the right thing?

 

Sometimes it's just so hard to make sense of all your feelings and motivations, and I was drawn here because so many people here seem to have experienced being married and would know how to advise me based on that... I don't open up a lot because I know those around me cannot relate... And to be fair, they do try to help, but really they aren't equipt and they can't because they haven't been married.

 

It's just been so hard, and this emotional turmoil I'm experiecing has really served to confuse me totally.

 

Thanks for your kind words Zoomer, you've really helped and what you said makes a lot of sense. Deep down I know these things, but I just need someone to tell me so...

[zoomer]

No problem Milla. I truly believe you are doing the right thing, it's just hard! Keep your head up and this will pass. You will look back one day and Thank the Good Lord that you had the strength to do what was right!!

 

Even if your friends had been married...they still wouldn't be equipped because they weren't married to your husband and live in your home. No one ever really knows what others go through..they can relate and understand but no one knows what went on in your home...Only you. That's why I suggested that you re-read what you said about the relationship and him. Not one single good thing...not in the least. Although I do believe your friends are trying to help you (maybe not saying the right things) but they say those things to open your eyes and because they care about you. They don't want to see you hurt. You were miserable and there was a reason! Your miserable now because you are lonely and that is understandable!! Loneliness can be overcome...especially with time.

 

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and have good common sense. I think your husband has robbed you of some self-esteem but you can get all that "pretty woman who dressed nicely and went to the gym and had ambitions and things she wanted to do... " BACK! Stay busy, as I said, and You will be just fine!

[Matilda]

Milla, I agree with the others that you are doing the right thing. I just wanted to tell you, that over 10 years ago I was divorced from my first husband. We divorced because he was abusive to me, and even though I was very relieved to be divorced, it still put me into emotional turmoil. Your whole life changes when you divorce, even if it's something you want.

 

The things that you describe, losing someone to talk to, or even just watch TV with, and the biggie, uncertainty, not really knowing what is going to happen with your life. My ex-husband was also somewhat similar to yours, in that he could be charming when he wanted to be, but I could never forget how bad our marriage was.

 

Well, to make a long story short. My life was much better after we divorced, after I got over the initial shock of it. I learned a lot about myself from making that mistake, and when I married again, I married the right man. I've been married to my second husband for almost 10 years, and we are very happy.

 

My advice, take it day by day, your life without him will begin to come back together. You will make it through this period, and I believe you will be a better, stronger, and wiser person. Take some time to figure out why you made a bad choice in marrying this man, and learn from your mistakes. You are young, and have a great life ahead of you.

 

Take care, and good luck.

[prttygrljai]

MILLA, YOU ARE A STRONG YOUNG LADY FOR YOUR DECISION. IT SOUNDS LIKE WE ARE MARRIED TO THE SAME MAN!! IT DOES GET HARD FOR ME, I'VE BEEN SEPARATED FOR TWO MONTHS AND WE WORK AT THE SAME COMPANY. I FEEL, AT TIMES THAT I WANT TO WORK IT OUT, THEN HE SAYS OR DOES SOMETHING STUPID AND I KNOW THAT I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. YOU TRIED, YOU DID YOUR PART. HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU! YOU CAN DO THIS! GO OUT AND HAVE FUN! WE ARE TO YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL TO BE WITH INSENSITIVE, CONTROLLING, UNDESERVING BULLS!! LIFE IS TOO SHORT! MARRIAGE IS SACRED AND SOMETIMES I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT GIVING UP. BUT IF YOU WERE MISTREATED, HE'S NOT HOLDING TO HIS END OF THE BARGAIN. STAY STRONG! BECOME THE WOMAN YOU WERE WHEN YOU MET HIM, DON'T LET HIM CONTINUE TO HOLD YOU AND HE'S FAR AWAY. THAT'S THE CONTROL HE HAS. I WOULD ANSWER MY HUSBANDS CALLS AND HE WOULD DO NOTHING BUT UPSET ME. KEEP ME FROM PERFORMING ON MY JOB, CONTINUE TO MAKE A FOOL OF ME. DON'T LET HIM HAVE YOU!

[milla]

Thanks so much everyone. I know what you say is all true, but it's just so hard because although he is the villian in all this... He's also still my best friend. He's been a very good friend to me in all this, even though he's been hurt deeply too. I have to appreciate that.

 

I feel better today. I will just try to keep my head up and keep busy and hopefully soon all this turmoil will be in the past.