cknbb Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 I'm confused over something. About 2 months ago I was putting in a DVD to watch on my boyfriend's TV. When I opened up the DVD player, I took out a couple DVD's to put mine in. Low and behold I found a DVD titled something like "Hustlers Hot Asian Girls," with a naked asian girl on the front. I took it out to him and showed him what I found. He said it was his brother's who had left it under his bed while visiting. That I believe, but I don't understand why he had to watch it. I was angry for a while, and told him why I didn't think that was ok (because it made me felt like I wasn't enough for him) and he told me I was insecure about myself. So is it me to be at fault? I also noticed that he was quite horny the week before I found the DVD. I know he used to go to strip clubs before I met him, which isn't ok with me. He seems to be a "wild guy" (wanted to join a frat while in college/drinks a lot/dated a striper..), but I'm more of a down-to-earth person who would not have paid attention to him if I met him when he was that way. I mean I'm pretty sure he respects my wishes, but not fully. We've had numerous arguments about why stripers/porn isn't ok with me. But when I found that DVD, he didn't even apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 If he's doing something that you've already told him offends, insults, or hurts you, then it's wrong. Period. Him saying that porn makes you insecure is nothing more than a lame excuse to vindicate his own actions. I don't wish to argue the porn issue here because I believe what I believe and no one will ever change my mind. Porn is degrading to all women, IMO, and if a guy I was dating was into it, it would be an instant deal breaker. If he's disrespecting you about the porn issue, mark it down, he will disrespect you on future issues to come. Link to post Share on other sites
milla Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 If porn is such a serious issue for you, then maybe you shouldn't be together. Relationship-wise the only thing that matters is that your values are like. You should be with someone that feels the same way you do about porn. Then it will be a non-issue. You aren't married, so if it keeps coming up as a problem, then I think you should find someone else who doesn't watch porn. I can think of a lot of guys who do not keep porn in the house and would never dream of having a "stash" while married. It's a clash in values. Why you feel the way you do, whether you are insecure and whether you think porn is degrading to women is all irrelevant. Find someone who shares your attitude towards it and you will be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
eden Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 first of all are you asian? cause if not it seems your bf likes asian girls, look ive had this problem,ive been married for 5 years, and it was ok in the beginning for fun, but when one of you "need" to look at it to help you make love then that draws the line, now if it bothers you he shouldnt do it unless he's addited to it. then you need to leave him alone. porn is a huge problem and he should respect your feelings if he has a computer check it right away i bet he has been looking at it on the computer also. [color=cyan][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
msrealdoll Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 Why would you choose to go out with someone with such different values as you? Even if he doesn't watch any more porn, he obviously thinks it's okay to do. I wouldn't check his computer for porn sites. I'd be furious if someone did that to me-it's an invasion of my privacy. We are, even though we're in relationships, entitled to a reasonable amount of privacy. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 Originally posted by Fancy If he's doing something that you've already told him offends, insults, or hurts you, then it's wrong. Period. Him saying that porn makes you insecure is nothing more than a lame excuse to vindicate his own actions. I don't wish to argue the porn issue here because I believe what I believe and no one will ever change my mind. Porn is degrading to all women, IMO, and if a guy I was dating was into it, it would be an instant deal breaker. If he's disrespecting you about the porn issue, mark it down, he will disrespect you on future issues to come. I could not have said it better. Ditto the above. In fact: If he's doing something that you've already told him offends, insults, or hurts you, then it's wrong. Period. Him saying that porn makes you insecure is nothing more than a lame excuse to vindicate his own actions. I don't wish to argue the porn issue here because I believe what I believe and no one will ever change my mind. Porn is degrading to all women, IMO, and if a guy I was dating was into it, it would be an instant deal breaker. Do not accept him saying that you are insecure. That is just a tactic to take focus from him and place responsibility on you. That does not wash. Those who devoutly defend porn will try to tell you that ALL guys are watching porn and that there is nothing wrong with it. They are wrong about ALL guys watching. Not all guys do. If you find it wrong, then it is wrong. The fact that he tried to blow it off and say you are insecure is more troubling then him looking at porn. If he cared about your feelings he would not accuse you of something and would instead talk with you about it and try to reach a compromise or an agreement. Porn itself is a deal breaker for a lot of people. Either you accept it or you don't. Its just one thing, in a long line of priorities and commonalities, that need to align in a good relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 If it bothers you that much, break up with him. It doesn't sound like from his past that you are both on similar wavelengths anyway. IMHO: Porn is ok and not a big deal if both parties agree on it. Personally, I think some women take it way to personally and go overboard with anti-porn rhetoric but thats their opinion and they are entitled to it. Not all guys watch porn and not all guys who watch the occasional porno flick are evil people and addicted to it. Link to post Share on other sites
milla Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 And I'm sorry, I have to second that about looking through his computer. If someone I was dating rifled through my computer and then had the balls to ask me to explain myself because of things they found, that person would be dumped and thrown the hell out ASAP. Don't invade his privacy like that. That's the worst advice ever. You have absolutely no right to do that in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 What is it about porn that bothers you? Have you ever watched any personally? Just wondering b/c I had a prob w/it w/ my 1st BF til he convinced me to try watching it w/him. If I didn't like it he said he'd banish it. Turns out we had a really great time and he got to keep his porn. I realized it was just a visual appetizer before he got to the main course! Link to post Share on other sites
undecided Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 my girlfriend never liked porn when i first met her, then i showed her some things and soon showed her things that she had questions about. as we bacme more active -i came home one day and my harddrive was full of things sshe was curious about. she learned more and was happy. also i think masturbation is extremly healthy for the body. it does so much that people dont know about. i feel im a better lover if im regular. and porn sometimes can be a help. Link to post Share on other sites
twalkoe Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 The final answer on porn is this: If it makes you feel uncomfortable ... it's wrong. You are not insecure. If you express how you feel to your significant other and he can't or won't stop knowing how you feel...then there's a problem. Remember this... men and women feel very differently about porn. Men think of it as "normal" and their "right" as men to be able to do it. They don't understand how them reading porn has anything to do with us...there is no correlation in their minds. We (being women) look at it as an intimate thing. Usually the only time we're looking at a naked man is in situations in which we are in love or some how feel connected. Women in general have no desire to sit and oogle a complete stranger naked or not when they're in a committed relationship. So in the end...it is very difficult for us to understand why they would want to do it. When you look at the subject of porn...be open minded enough to understand that it isn't about you...don't let it wear on your self esteem or compare yourself to these women. However, you should educate yourself enough about the issue...talk with him about what he gets from it and then decide how much or little you are comfortable with and discuss it with him. Link to post Share on other sites
smokemamma Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 Look people can have their own views about it, and say that 'it's normal, and it's not about you,and dont be insecure, but if those are your feelings and you dont like it there's nothing wrong with that, just be glad youre not married to him not knowing he likes this kind of stuff,so you know this isnt someone you want to spend the rest of your life with because if he does it now no matter what he says he will keep doing it, if a man is in a relationship with one woman,he may feel he needs other women,so to keep from being unfaithful he gets his variety from looking at porn but that still doesnt make it ok if it makes you feel bad about yourself, HELL NO it isnt ok, what is ok about looking at other naked people having sex,what do you get out of it,and whatever you do get out of it you should take that same energy and put it towards the person thats right there with you and not on some girl in a porn who they'll never have sex with anyway,the girls in these movies are whores,they have sex with numerous men and women for money and sometimes without condoms,so if youre man is attracted to whores then he should be with a whore,how would he feel if he put that movie in and you were on there,men are never satisfied, they say they want a nice woman who respects themselves,but they loathed whores who make flicks and strippers. so what do men want whores or nice respectful women. men make up your minds because if he wants a respectful women he wouldnt spend his time looking at trash.what i would tell my man is "ok honey you like whores,then i'll become one for you and make a movie like this would you like to look at me like that." Link to post Share on other sites
eden Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 Look people can have their own views about it, and say that 'it's normal, and it's not about you,and dont be insecure, but if those are your feelings and you dont like it there's nothing wrong with that, just be glad youre not married to him not knowing he likes this kind of stuff,so you know this isnt someone you want to spend the rest of your life with because if he does it now no matter what he says he will keep doing it, if a man is in a relationship with one woman,he may feel he needs other women,so to keep from being unfaithful he gets his variety from looking at porn but that still doesnt make it ok if it makes you feel bad about yourself, HELL NO it isnt ok, what is ok about looking at other naked people having sex,what do you get out of it,and whatever you do get out of it you should take that same energy and put it towards the person thats right there with you and not on some girl in a porn who they'll never have sex with anyway,the girls in these movies are whores,they have sex with numerous men and women for money and sometimes without condoms,so if your man is attracted to whores then he should be with a whore,how would he feel if he put that movie in and you were on there,men are never satisfied, they say they want a nice woman who respects themselves,but they loathed whores who make flicks and some men love to spend there money and the money that should be going to there families on strippers, so what do men want whores or nice respectful women. men make up your minds because if he wants a respectful women he wouldnt spend his time looking at trash.what i would tell my man is "ok honey you like whores,then i'll become one for you and make a movie like this would you like to look at me like that." if he respects you im sure he wouldnt like that, but like i said some men like whores! Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 If porn is such a serious issue for you, then maybe you shouldn't be together. Relationship-wise the only thing that matters is that your values are like. You should be with someone that feels the same way you do about porn. Then it will be a non-issue. You aren't married, so if it keeps coming up as a problem, then I think you should find someone else who doesn't watch porn. milla has nailed it. I recommending exiting the relationship because you two have a fundamental values conflict. No one's right and no one's wrong. All that exists here is what I call "values incompatibility." Find someone like yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
jmd28 Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 I cannot speak for all men, but when I initially caught my husband with porn twice, he said he was sorry and he didn't want me to be hurt and he'd never do it again. Well he did. It is an uncomfortable subject to talk about so naturally both of us were on the defense when stating our stand points. He said that porn wasn't a big deal, and that it was in no was an escape from me, nor did he fantasize about the women in the magazines. He said he was only in it for one thing, to get off. I think if somebody's constantly looking at porn and not getting off to it then that might be bad, but from what my husband said it was just a visual aid. Some men do feel the need and have the desire to look at other women whether it be in person or in a magazine or video, so in that aspect, I'm not commenting on. As for my husband, he said that if he had pictures of me, that would definitely be visual aid enough. So I tried it because I would rather him me getting off to me than a dirty magazine. The first time I tried it, I was the one taking the pictures of myself so different angles and positions were not easy to come by. So my first set of dirty photos didn't look so pleasing, not even to me. But the second time around was a charm, I involved him. I told him to tell me what positions simulated his mind the most and to take them of me. We even went as far as having sex and him taking pictures of the penetration. Yep....that did the trick!!! And his next venture that he is all excited about is making a video and maybe doing some role playing. I don't know how long our new hobby will last, but maybe in time I may be able to get over the porn issue of other women because I've seen for myself that its just visual aid to him. I'm even thinking of maybe going to buy a soft porn to surprise him with and we'll watch it together to see how I feel. If I feel uncomfortable, we'll throw it away, but I've never tried it because I spent all my time opposing it, so who knows, maybe I'll like it and that will just be another thing we can do to spice up our relationship. He's happy that he still gets to keep his visual aid, and I'm happy because the visual aid is me! lol Don't do like I did a drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why he's not willing to stop or why he thinks its OK, or how could he possibly be turned on by these photos of people who aren't you. Do try to be open minded and maybe offer to do for him, what I did for my husband. Not all men are total perverts! Just try to talk to him and see what you can do to help with his sexual needs. In the long run, you will discover whether or not this is something you can handle. But if it isn't, then maybe you should do as others have recommended and find somebody who shares your views to this issue. Just a little side note - My husband thinks that if I can take pictures like the ones I did with him, that maybe deep down, there's a naughty girl waiting to be unleashed and that turns him on. And I never realized it because I've been decent, closed minded, and somewhat prude my whole life. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders since I worked up the courage to stand up to my own inner demons. I hope I've maybe given you a different perspective on this sensitive issue. Link to post Share on other sites
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