Wife will not acknowledge that I am done

[nooneyouknow]

Here's a happy ending for you all-The GF cannot do a relationship. She has this BPD, and is not in therapy for it, and even worse, is drinking. She is just no someone I can be involved with, no matter how compatible we may have seemed at one time. I have asked her to stay in therapy, or restart therapy, and she has refused.

 

My wife was very upset that I wanted to leave. She cried and said she did not want to lose me. She has made a renewed effort at saving the marriage and paying some attention to me. To be honest, any lack of intimacy was probably 50% my fault.

So now the wife and I are on much better terms. She wants to save the marriage, and we are going to the gym together and we are both making more effort.

 

I am honestly happy to be with a woman i know and trust and love for who she is.

[whichwayisup]

I'm trying to separate from my wife of 25 years. My kids are grown now, and there is another woman I want to be with, in another state, 1000+ miles away. I feel my marriage is really dead, both physically and in terms of doing things together. My wife and I have little in common.

The problem is, while I have actually told my wife what I want, she has gotten very sad and is looking for specific things to "fix", i.e. go to the gym more, have more sex, etc etc. She does not acknowledge that I really want to leave.

She said 'i don't want you to leave me", gives me the sad puppy dogs eyes, and then carries on like everything is fine, making plans for future events together.

Has anyone ever faced this type of behavior? Any suggestions?

 

Are you still having sex with her or have you refused her on ALL intimate levels?

Why don't you just leave? Move out and tell her the truth. That you love her as the mother of your kids but not as a husband should love his wife. Tell her that you've met someone else and want to start a new life with that other woman. Be honest.

[trippi1432]

From the first post to the last one....I'm truly at a loss for words. SMH and Bless his wife's loving heart.

[CC12]

Are you still having sex with her or have you refused her on ALL intimate levels?

Why don't you just leave? Move out and tell her the truth. That you love her as the mother of your kids but not as a husband should love his wife. Tell her that you've met someone else and want to start a new life with that other woman. Be honest.

 

You must have missed the "happy ending" update. I'll paraphrase it for you.

 

The affair ended because the other woman is a mentally unstable lush who refused to get therapy at his request so now he's "honestly happy" that he has to settle for his wife because he now has no other romantic options.

 

Pretty sure that covers everything.

[firemanq]

I am so happy that the cheater found the truth about his AP and that his wife will take him back. See, Plan B does work. How about the cheater's wife comes here in 6 or 7 months and tells how the marriage is working for her?

[worldgonewrong]

Here's a happy ending for you all-The GF cannot do a relationship. She has this BPD, and is not in therapy for it, and even worse, is drinking. She is just no someone I can be involved with, no matter how compatible we may have seemed at one time. I have asked her to stay in therapy, or restart therapy, and she has refused.

 

My wife was very upset that I wanted to leave. She cried and said she did not want to lose me. She has made a renewed effort at saving the marriage and paying some attention to me. To be honest, any lack of intimacy was probably 50% my fault.

So now the wife and I are on much better terms. She wants to save the marriage, and we are going to the gym together and we are both making more effort.

 

I am honestly happy to be with a woman i know and trust and love for who she is.

 

^^^^

THIS makes me happy.

And what's more, man, I'm glad that you are owning your 50%.

Good man.

Don't throw history/love away. Things can be mended and even IMPROVED upon with some mutual effort.

Fantastic news.

 

I know some people will *understandably* get on your back -- you've been a cheater. And I don't dig cheating.

But that said, I hope this moment, this crossroad, in your life is a WAKE-UP CALL to you too. Don't put it all on your wife. Hold up your end. Don't cheat again. Love, be kind, to your wife. We only get 1 life. You are lucky, so don't abuse your good luck.

Edited May 7, 2012 by worldgonewrong

[findingnemo]

Here's a happy ending for you all-The GF cannot do a relationship. She has this BPD, and is not in therapy for it, and even worse, is drinking. She is just no someone I can be involved with, no matter how compatible we may have seemed at one time. I have asked her to stay in therapy, or restart therapy, and she has refused.

 

My wife was very upset that I wanted to leave. She cried and said she did not want to lose me. She has made a renewed effort at saving the marriage and paying some attention to me. To be honest, any lack of intimacy was probably 50% my fault.

So now the wife and I are on much better terms. She wants to save the marriage, and we are going to the gym together and we are both making more effort.

 

I am honestly happy to be with a woman i know and trust and love for who she is.

 

You just dodged a bullet!!! Does you W know about the OW?

[xenomorph]

your wife stilll needs to be aware of the affair.

 

If you've considered an affair once, you'll consider an affair again. Proper healing on both sides will NOT happen unless your wife knows of the affair. I hope that both of you enter MC as soon as possible.

[Steadfast]

Here's a happy ending for you all-The GF cannot do a relationship.

 

My wife was very upset that I wanted to leave. She cried and said she did not want to lose me. She has made a renewed effort at saving the marriage and paying some attention to me.

 

Happy ending? More like the end of your wife's chances to ever be happy and with a man who cherishes her. If she's with you, she's settling. Fact.

 

You should leave anyway and avoid future relationships. You'll cheat again.

[marqueemoon4]

Happy ending? More like the end of your wife's chances to ever be happy and with a man who cherishes her. If she's with you, she's settling. Fact.

 

You should leave anyway and avoid future relationships. You'll cheat again.

 

damn, thats harsh. but possibly true.

[Trimmer]

So, in just 4 days, this situation has flipped from leaving your dead marriage to be with this amazing other woman and treating your wife with disdain because she was trying to make improvements and "didn't get" that it was over.... to the other woman being an unstable BPD sufferer who won't seek therapy and is now drinking. It's not like you were having second thoughts, either on leaving your wife nor on going to be with the other woman - you've been with this other woman for over a year now, yet the whole situation just flipped from black to white in 4 days?

 

I believe she would be better off w/o me.

I tend to think this is still true. I don't have a lot of respect for how you got from there to here. It seems like you are now clinging to your life preserver backup plan, only by virtue of the fact that your ideal, horny, masturbating, hormone-mainlining, bail out woman somehow turned into a drinking, BPD-suffering ogre in the last 4 days.

 

I am honestly happy to be with a woman i know and trust and love for who she is.

Well, you may be happy, but you're not honest. Do you believe your wife deserves a husband who she knows, and can trust, and love for who he is?

Edited May 8, 2012 by Trimmer

[Trimmer]

your wife stilll needs to be aware of the affair.

 

If you've considered an affair once, you'll consider an affair again. Proper healing on both sides will NOT happen unless your wife knows of the affair. I hope that both of you enter MC as soon as possible.

Ahh.... he did a little more than "consider" the affair.

[Yasuandio]

There is a reason he did such a quick back pedal. It didn't make any sense. And when it doesn't make sense, it's not true, as Judge Judy says. What a donkey mouth you have, dude.

Edited May 8, 2012 by Yasuandio

[nooneyouknow]

First of all, the GF did not "transform in an ogre overnight". We have been aware of her issues for several months, during which time I have tried to be patient and understanding, and quite frankly have taken a lot of abuse.

Now her condition seems to have worsened, and she has refused treatment time and time again. I went as far as finding her a therapist that specializes in BPD, but there is always a problem/excuse "my copayments are too high" "they don't take my insurance" "I am as I am, take me or leave me" "we are all products of our environment". Bottom line, she does not want help and I have reached my wits end trying to get her help.

 

Secondly, I know many women, and some men are big on the whole thing they call "cheating", like a person belongs to another person and should have no free will. I actually reject this whole concept. The very idea of monogamy was derived by religious institutions and society as a whole to foster the idea of nuclear families. That is a great idea-two parent families. But it is also unrealistic for many people. besides which, my kids are now grown.

[CC12]

I know many women, and some men are big on the whole thing they call "cheating", like a person belongs to another person and should have no free will. I actually reject this whole concept.

 

Good for you, I guess. Does your wife also feel this way?

[Trimmer]

Secondly, I know many women, and some men are big on the whole thing they call "cheating", like a person belongs to another person and should have no free will. I actually reject this whole concept. The very idea of monogamy was derived by religious institutions and society as a whole to foster the idea of nuclear families. That is a great idea-two parent families. But it is also unrealistic for many people. besides which, my kids are now grown.

This sounds an awful lot like a pretty typical dodge: "I don't believe in cheating... I don't believe in monogamy."

 

I tell you what - you are COMPLETELY entitled to disbelieve in cheating and monogamy. I have no problem with that at its core.

 

The thing I don't accept is, if you did not establish a meeting of the minds with your wife on these beliefs, if you did not reveal your lack of belief in monogamy and the concept of cheating, if you allowed her to believe that she was in a faithful marriage, while holding your fingers crossed behind your back thinking to yourself "not really...", or if you mutually intended to be faithful earlier in your marriage but evolved your views later without letting her know - then you have simply lied to her, and I would find that unacceptable in any relationship of mine, regardless of the specific beliefs at the relationship's foundation.

 

I don't care if it's about the issue of monogamy, cheating, how many kids you're going to have, or any other issue. If you looked each other in the eyes and came to a meeting of the minds, and then you went back on that without giving her the benefit of sharing your change in views, that's a betrayal.

 

So the question was asked, but I'll ask it even more directly: does your wife know of your lack of belief in monogamy and your lack of concern over "the whole thing they call 'cheating' "? Or does she believe she has a mutual understanding with you that the two of you are in a monogamous, faithful marriage?

[Owl]

I just wanted to tack onto what was already asked here...

 

Does your wife share your beliefs and agree with you that monogamy is useless and dead, and cheating is no big deal?

 

If so...then telling her about what's gone on will do you no harm whatsoever. On the contrary, clear, clean communication is what will bring your wife and you both closer together after all that's gone on.

 

So telling her comes with no risk...but pure benefits.

 

Now...if your wife does NOT agree with your viewpoint and beliefs on relationships and cheating...that's another kettle of fish. Why would YOUR views override HER views? Why would you remain in a relationship with someone who has completely different expectations of that relationship than you do?

 

So...whether or not your wife agrees with your beliefs is CRITICAL to how you proceed from here.

 

I'm really interested to see your response.

[2sunny]

First of all, the GF did not "transform in an ogre overnight". We have been aware of her issues for several months, during which time I have tried to be patient and understanding, and quite frankly have taken a lot of abuse.

Now her condition seems to have worsened, and she has refused treatment time and time again. I went as far as finding her a therapist that specializes in BPD, but there is always a problem/excuse "my copayments are too high" "they don't take my insurance" "I am as I am, take me or leave me" "we are all products of our environment". Bottom line, she does not want help and I have reached my wits end trying to get her help.

 

Secondly, I know many women, and some men are big on the whole thing they call "cheating", like a person belongs to another person and should have no free will. I actually reject this whole concept. The very idea of monogamy was derived by religious institutions and society as a whole to foster the idea of nuclear families. That is a great idea-two parent families. But it is also unrealistic for many people. besides which, my kids are now grown.

 

Have you told your W that you don't believe in monogamy?

 

Have you also told her that she's your second choice - given that your GF (OW) has issues you don't intend to stay and watch?

 

How sad for all - unless you get honest.

[Tiberius]

You will have to do what women in your situation do, leave anyway.

[2sunny]

Letmyour wife start dating young guys and then tell us how you feel about monogamy...

 

What's fair for you is fair for her.

[health]

They say never leave someone for someone else.

 

It's a fantasy and a quick fix. I say try your best to fix the marriage.

 

If it doesnt work. Divorce. Be single, then do what you want.

[2sunny]

They say never leave someone for someone else.

 

It's a fantasy and a quick fix. I say try your best to fix the marriage.

 

If it doesnt work. Divorce. Be single, then do what you want.

 

Fix the M when he really didn't choose his W as his first choice? No way!!!

[health]

First of all, the GF did not "transform in an ogre overnight". We have been aware of her issues for several months, during which time I have tried to be patient and understanding, and quite frankly have taken a lot of abuse.

Now her condition seems to have worsened, and she has refused treatment time and time again. I went as far as finding her a therapist that specializes in BPD, but there is always a problem/excuse "my copayments are too high" "they don't take my insurance" "I am as I am, take me or leave me" "we are all products of our environment". Bottom line, she does not want help and I have reached my wits end trying to get her help.

 

Secondly, I know many women, and some men are big on the whole thing they call "cheating", like a person belongs to another person and should have no free will. I actually reject this whole concept. The very idea of monogamy was derived by religious institutions and society as a whole to foster the idea of nuclear families. That is a great idea-two parent families. But it is also unrealistic for many people. besides which, my kids are now grown.

 

You sound like a clown. I hope you left your wife by now. You're into cheating - she's not - yet you continue to abuse her and yourself by lying.

Scary. Leave your wife and find some Bi Polar chicks to cheat with, and on you and what have you. Good luck.

[health]

Fix the M when he really didn't choose his W as his first choice? No way!!!

 

I know, sorry. I just read more. This dude should leave his wife and set her free! She deserves it. How does this guy sleep at night? What kinda life did he create for himself? Oh well he's dealing with all consequences. As everyone else does in life.

[worldgonewrong]

First of all, the GF did not "transform in an ogre overnight". We have been aware of her issues for several months, during which time I have tried to be patient and understanding, and quite frankly have taken a lot of abuse.

Now her condition seems to have worsened, and she has refused treatment time and time again. I went as far as finding her a therapist that specializes in BPD, but there is always a problem/excuse "my copayments are too high" "they don't take my insurance" "I am as I am, take me or leave me" "we are all products of our environment". Bottom line, she does not want help and I have reached my wits end trying to get her help.

 

Secondly, I know many women, and some men are big on the whole thing they call "cheating", like a person belongs to another person and should have no free will. I actually reject this whole concept. The very idea of monogamy was derived by religious institutions and society as a whole to foster the idea of nuclear families. That is a great idea-two parent families. But it is also unrealistic for many people. besides which, my kids are now grown.

 

 

Whoops. I spoke too soon.

 

My friend, you just might be what they call in medical jargon 'an a-hole'.

First, your GF (your mistress) is a problem to you. {smallest violin in the world playing here}

Next, you give some mumbo-jumbo defense about monogamy, after having been married and are now about to rip your wife's heart out.

 

The problem might very well be YOU.

 

You're gonna die. You realize that, right? Is this a whole fear-of-mortality issue? Women just don't "get you"?

Good God, I'd hate to be a woman and be on the receiving end of your endless, self-justifying bullsh*t. I truly pity your wife and your grown children.