Wife will not acknowledge that I am done

[2sunny]

And NOW he decides to stay with his wife...

 

If she only knew the truth of all his cheating and that she's not really his "choice".

[2sunny]

It also supports how the MM never REALLY know the OW!

 

And now that he has an idea that she has "issues" the. He ditches her really quick!

 

I do believe the real problem is the OP!

 

He needs help. Learning how honesty looks might be a good place to start!

[nooneyouknow]

You can criticize me all you want. I am sorry that so many of you feel bitter, abused, mistreated, and all the other things that come through in your posts. It is really like holding a mirror up to yourselves.

 

As I said, I would walk away anytime my wife wants. I do not confront her with my indiscretions because that would be cruel. However, she is an intelligent woman, and if she wanted to know where I was or who I was talking to, there are ways to find out.

 

I really do pity so many of you, as you claim to pity and show disdain for me. I am the one having the time of my life, making other people happy. You people, many of you at least, are obviously not making anyone happy and have no one pleasing you either.

 

That, my friends, is a waste of a life and a shame!

[2sure]

I can't figure out how two grown, middle aged, experienced men can go out and have affairs without being too worried about getting caught, consequences, or ramifications....grown men who rightly or wrongly feel their actions are justified and are ok with their decisions......

 

Don't have the juice to leave their wives. Or, are willing to leave them, but not tell them why, or...are not willing to leave or tell them why, but want them to leave...??

 

Come on. Really? You just can't? What are you afraid of? Puppy Dog Eyes?

Rip off the band aid. Move forward.

[gabby7986]

Just leave man! if your really not happy with her anymore pack your crap and get out.

[CC12]

I am the one having the time of my life, making other people happy.

 

Then why did you need to come back to this thread after two months to post this garbage?

 

Go be happy in your happy life, making happy people even happier with your happiness. No sense in coming back two months later to deliver what you surely thought was a magnificently crafted wicked ice-burn to us bitter internet strangers. This sure makes it obvious how happy you are! Congrats!

[bentnotbroken]

There is a whole lot of waste of life....but the waste isn't coming from your wife or her life.

[whichwayisup]

As I said, I would walk away anytime my wife wants.

 

Why do you stay? Why don't you just walk away?

[nooneyouknow]

Why do you stay? Why don't you just walk away?

 

Maybe I didn't state this, but I thought I did. I told my wife twice that I was unhappy and wanted to leave. The first time was 15 months ago. She cried and blamed herself and claimed that I was neglected and that she knew she was wasting her life just working and sleeping.

The second time, 8 months ago, was similar. Tears and hugging and saying that she did not want to lose me.

So thats why I have stayed. I don't want to hurt her by leaving.

[dreamingoftigers]

So it wasn't out of any love, respect or intimate desire for her?

 

Coincidentally your OW ceased to be a viable option.

 

My husband was in active sexual addiction for awhile. It had nothing, ZERO, to do with our sexlife.

 

I suggest that you get screened by a specialist.

 

If you are staying in relationships so you "don't hurt people" that means you have trouble with your intimate boundaries.

 

Many sexual addicts feel "controlled" "smothered" "guilty" or "manipulated" by such shows of emotion. Much of that emotion is pure, true and natural.

 

Many sexual addicts feel withheld from and have maturity issues.

 

They also have trouble sustaining actual, real closeness with a spouse etc.

 

I noticed some traits that might be specific to my husband but I doubt it. Are you not "big on" kissing? Like "it's alright, but I dint like to have to do it for very long or very much?" kissing generates oxytocin etc. Which is inhibited by dopamine. Usually sexual addicts are a little unbalanced in that regard so they aren't into it as much and sex =\= intimacy.

 

Plus a lot of the comments suggest that you feel "imprisoned" or "controlled into staying" in your marriage, suggesting other intimate issues.

 

Those things are earmarks for sexual addiction.

Which sounds "more fun" than it is.

 

Your real prison may not be your marriage at all, but your context for intimacy and the ability to truly, emotionally CONNECT instead of just REACT to another person. Which is also treatable.

[Minadee]

Wow, talk about GIGS.

 

So, tell me OP. If you found out your wife was seeing some gorgeous, hunky younger male, you'd be totally cool with that?

 

I'm not digging, just generally pretty curious.

 

Edit: And by LYING to her face about wanting to be with her, you are actually causing MORE hurt when you do eventually leave (and you will, when some pretty new tail comes bounding along and you peep over the fence to look at her shiny new grass.) My ex did this, we were in some are-we/aren't-we limbo for about 3 months where we would act like a couple, but he wouldn't commit. He dumped me the second a new girl showed up. It made things 1000% worse for me. You are not a very nice person, and you should probably consider telling your wife all and leaving, she doesn't deserve this.

[nooneyouknow]

So it wasn't out of any love, respect or intimate desire for her?

 

Coincidentally your OW ceased to be a viable option.

 

My husband was in active sexual addiction for awhile. It had nothing, ZERO, to do with our sexlife.

 

I suggest that you get screened by a specialist.

 

If you are staying in relationships so you "don't hurt people" that means you have trouble with your intimate boundaries.

 

Many sexual addicts feel "controlled" "smothered" "guilty" or "manipulated" by such shows of emotion. Much of that emotion is pure, true and natural.

 

Many sexual addicts feel withheld from and have maturity issues.

 

They also have trouble sustaining actual, real closeness with a spouse etc.

 

I noticed some traits that might be specific to my husband but I doubt it. Are you not "big on" kissing? Like "it's alright, but I dint like to have to do it for very long or very much?" kissing generates oxytocin etc. Which is inhibited by dopamine. Usually sexual addicts are a little unbalanced in that regard so they aren't into it as much and sex =\= intimacy.

 

Plus a lot of the comments suggest that you feel "imprisoned" or "controlled into staying" in your marriage, suggesting other intimate issues.

 

Those things are earmarks for sexual addiction.

Which sounds "more fun" than it is.

 

Your real prison may not be your marriage at all, but your context for intimacy and the ability to truly, emotionally CONNECT instead of just REACT to another person. Which is also treatable.

 

Good points, all of them. As far as the OW, she ceased to be an option just recently. Long after I told me wife twice that I wanted out. She ceased to be an option because I did not leave my wife in a timely manner.

I don't deny that I am a mess from all this. I don't deny that some type of therapy might help.

[nooneyouknow]

Logic like this never ceases to amaze me..........it's ok to hurt you wife by having an affair and telling her you are leaving, but yet when it comes down to it you are too cowardly to leave and use the EXCUSE that you don't want to hurt her now. Plssss...........give me a break. You are hurting her by staying and keeping secrets. She would be better off if you had left at least she wouldn't have to contend with your crap.

 

Obviously she does not see it that way. If she came to me and said she wanted out, I would not try to stop someone that wanted out. It is a hard emotional decision, and if they work up the courage to state that, then they deserve whatever help I can give them to be happy.

[nooneyouknow]

Wow, talk about GIGS.

 

So, tell me OP. If you found out your wife was seeing some gorgeous, hunky younger male, you'd be totally cool with that?

 

I'm not digging, just generally pretty curious.

 

Edit: And by LYING to her face about wanting to be with her, you are actually causing MORE hurt when you do eventually leave (and you will, when some pretty new tail comes bounding along and you peep over the fence to look at her shiny new grass.) My ex did this, we were in some are-we/aren't-we limbo for about 3 months where we would act like a couple, but he wouldn't commit. He dumped me the second a new girl showed up. It made things 1000% worse for me. You are not a very nice person, and you should probably consider telling your wife all and leaving, she doesn't deserve this.

 

First of all, the OW was not younger. And no, of course I would not be cool with that. I would want out of the marriage. And where did you see that I ever lied to her face and told her that I wanted to stay married?????

 

Also, as I have stated many times-I told her twice I wanted out. She could have been mature and supportive and discussed finances and wished me well. She chose to play on my feelings by crying. She also told the kids that I did not love them anymore, since I did not go on a family vacation with them.

 

I'm sorry you are hurt.

[ataloss8270]

I can't believe this OP,

 

How can you justify staying with your wife for this long while keeping your little play mate a secret? And you call this making "people happy"? Personally if your so happy why do you keep posting on here trying to have someone justify your actions, so you can sit around living your 2 lives feeling good about yoursellf? Do you want us all to sit here and say "Your right OP what you are doing is the greatest way of handling this situation". Man up and make a desicion. Because until you do there is no one happy in this situation. Your not happy because you can't make a decision, your wife's not happy because she knows there is problems, and OW is not happy because she nuts (which I find rather funny, cheater justic and all lol). And if you choose your wife MAKE SURE she is your #1 choice, because if you don't you'll just do the same thing to her again.

 

And yes some people have resentment towards people like you. Because we have been in your wife's shoes ourselves. Its not enjoyable to be on the other end of people like you who want their cake and eat it to. And how can you think she's not upset that 25 years of her life are about to be thrown away because of your selfishness. "She keeps giving me sad puppy dog eyes", feeling a little guilty are we? You should! She has dedicated her life to you, just for you to throw it away for sex! Guess what OP, when your little honeymoon period is over with OW the amount of sex your having is going to go with it. And then what? Are you going to do the same to OW that your doing to your wife? Your acting like a kid in high school. Grow a pair and grow up.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

If you are staying in relationships so you "don't hurt people" that means you have trouble with your intimate boundaries.

 

Many sexual addicts feel "controlled" "smothered" "guilty" or "manipulated" by such shows of emotion. Much of that emotion is pure, true and natural.

 

Plus a lot of the comments suggest that you feel "imprisoned" or "controlled into staying" in your marriage, suggesting other intimate issues.

 

Your real prison may not be your marriage at all, but your context for intimacy and the ability to truly, emotionally CONNECT instead of just REACT to another person. Which is also treatable.

 

 

Also, as I have stated many times-I told her twice I wanted out. She could have been mature and supportive and discussed finances and wished me well. She chose to play on my feelings by crying. She also told the kids that I did not love them anymore, since I did not go on a family vacation with them.

 

I know I quoted myself here. Ugh. That's is just so "arrogant" but I had to juxtapose this.

 

OP, the natural reaction to someone's spouse wanting to leave after 20+ years would TYPICALLY, NATURALLY be a VERY STRONG intensely emotional reaction. In fact if you wife DIDN'T CRY and get very emotional for around a month or so, something would probably be wrong with HER.

 

Searching ultra-quick and going to "finances" and "property" is borderline sociopathic for a woman who just got given her walking papers. Not because she's a woman. Many men, too get upset, storm, anger, take off and regroup which are all quite reactive to a very large situation.

 

It may very well be that your wife is more expressive than most. Often in relationships where one partner is more "emotionally passive" the other one fills in to become more emotionally intense. If you were to get intense over a sustained period of time, she would likely shift positions with you somewhat despite her natural tendency.

 

However, your lack of empathy toward you intimate partner should be a major signal of a personal issue, not a marital one. No matter your sex life recently, your wife is still your intimate partner.

 

This isn't to tell you that you are "broken" or what have you but often we see ourselves through very different mirrors than what we actually are and sometimes we rearrange our mirrors to suit what we want to look back at us.

 

This shows an incredible disconnect between your expectations from an intimate partner of 20+ years and reality.

 

Please seek help.

[dreamingoftigers]

Forgive typos, I am posting on an iPhone. Very challenging with this kind of format to reread posts etc.

[nooneyouknow]

Lesson learned.

 

The affair taught me to value my spouse very much. Whatever her faults are as far as intimacy, hygiene, making herself appealing, putting an effort in-they pale in comparison to dealing with a deranged psycho, which the OW is.

 

My spouse is good, loyal and loving. She understands respect, boundaries, and commitments.

[beenburned]

Why would you not go on a family vacation? We enjoy going on vacations with our grown kids and grandkids!

 

Sounds like you are having a classic case of mid-life crisis, where you think the grass is greener on the other side!

 

I am in a long term marriage, also married very young, and in the empty nest stage.

 

We have reinvented this stage of our lives with each other. We now have more free time to spend together and are enjoying all of our many vacations and trips. Our sex life has never been better, it is much more intimate and caring since we don't have to rush everything.

 

However, I don't see this happening with you or your marriage, as you are not able to be honest and forthcoming both with your feelings and the affair.

 

Like someone said above, if your wife knew the true extent of just how bad you betrayed her and your true feelings about her, she would probably not even want to be married to you!

[MsOptimist]

To the OP, a lot of what you write sounds as if it's coming out of my soon to be ex-husband's mouth. I don't know if he had an affair (he denies it), but I do know he was looking for casual sex and hookups just days after dropping the bomb on me - and likely before then as well. Same stuff as you that he's unhappy and wants out and wanted to move on - very swiftly and acted stone cold and like everything was business and paperwork for him at that point.

 

He was so emotionally detached from me and our marriage that it's troubling. I see more signs that I missed or overlooked as I stepped back from the marriage. Initially I acted as your wife did - huge emotional response, wanted to try to work things out together. He completely gave me the cold shoulder so I learned really fast that I needed to get out. Moved out very quickly.

 

I'm not faultless in my marriage, but I feel like I was a good wife - never cheated, always held down a good job, tried my best to meet his needs. We had separate and shared hobbies, I'm very active and in shape. I gave him space when he wanted space.

 

I identify with everything that dreamingoftigers has written. I am in IC and asked my husband to do the same. He refuses. That says to me that unless he seeks help for his emotional and communication issues that a relationship between us would never work. Initially I at least wanted to TRY to see if we could work on this.

 

It still devastates me but I now know that I can find someone who's more emotionally open and willing to actually be a life partner. Your wife will soon realize the same thing. My husband has already tried to come crawling back to me, but no way. I am moving on and his problems are no longer mine.

[ataloss8270]

Lesson learned.

 

The affair taught me to value my spouse very much. Whatever her faults are as far as intimacy, hygiene, making herself appealing, putting an effort in-they pale in comparison to dealing with a deranged psycho, which the OW is.

 

My spouse is good, loyal and loving. She understands respect, boundaries, and commitments.

 

If you are going to stay with your wife then you need to be completely honest about everything that has gone down. She needs to make the decision if your worth keeping or not. If your not honest with her and keep all this a secret it will eat away at you for the rest of your life with her. It may even cause you to become abusive because you always be battling yourself for not being open and honest. Secrets can destroy people.

[dreamingoftigers]

Lesson learned.

 

The affair taught me to value my spouse very much. Whatever her faults are as far as intimacy, hygiene, making herself appealing, putting an effort in-they pale in comparison to dealing with a deranged psycho, which the OW is.

 

My spouse is good, loyal and loving. She understands respect, boundaries, and commitments.

 

She sounds depressed or that her self-esteem does clearly not come from taking care of herself.

 

Low self-esteem?

 

What have you done to address this in a committed and diligent way?

[Mystery2Me]

Fortunately the obvious has been expertly expressed many, many, many times....so nothing for me to contribute about Mr. It's All About Me.

 

Ironically studying his appalling, grotesque, self-serving, and manipulative behavior has freed me just a bit more.

 

Wow....reading thru his early postings shows: how out of touch, desperate, the extent of the way-ward spouses' self-serving horrendous actions, and how easily they will auction off without their permission the BS's life. <<Then adding insult to injury, the WSs are curiously astonished by emotional response of the kept in the dark BS.>>

 

By creating this false reality and disguising the true state of the marriage, they set into motion the perilous process of the BS trying to identify why is the marriage failing.

 

Currently in IC, I'm working on processing and properly storing aspects of my soon to be ending marriage. Especially challenging has been, but with the help of my therapist, separating truthful events (be they good or bad) from those deceptive (be they good or bad) events orchestrated by STBXH.

 

This is so critically because what these selfish/lying SOBs fail to realize, is that their deceptive actions robs the betrayed spouse of their ability to trust one's own judgement.

 

I feel so very sorry for his angel of wife and pray that once truth comes out her journey to healing will be blessed.

 

<<<<Hugs>>>> and love to all the BS. ~Mystery

Edited January 24, 2013 by Mystery2Me

[stevie_23]

To me, the fact you are "in love" (which may or may not be the case if you're a sex addict, and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that) with this other woman is irrelevant to your position in your marriage.

 

You don't want to be with your wife anymore. Simple as that. You have told her. She knows. She of course doesn't want you to leave, BUT ultimately, she is obviously in denial if she goes on as if nothing has happened and tries desperately to pretend everything is normal.

 

Why have you not made the move yet? Out of the house, away from your wife? Because of her reactions when you say you want to leave? This isn't a valid reason to stay, as you well know.

 

To her, you have told her you want to leave her, but you're...still there. That's mixed signals. Do you have a plan of when you intend to leave? If so, tell her. If not, make one.

 

I assume you want to be with the other woman you're in love with? If so, is this possible from her side? Is she with anyone else? CAN you fly over there and be with her, or is she willing to fly over to you and be with you? (permanently I mean)

 

If so, why wait?

 

If not, well...you still should make moves to properly move out of your home and leave your wife.

[dreamingoftigers]

He did day in this thread or one of his other that he was a sexual addict.

 

I suggest he get screened by a specialist if he even suspects he is. Either way, intimacy and connectivity issues.