Wife will not acknowledge that I am done

[nooneyouknow]

Why would you not go on a family vacation? We enjoy going on vacations with our grown kids and grandkids!

 

Sounds like you are having a classic case of mid-life crisis, where you think the grass is greener on the other side!

 

I am in a long term marriage, also married very young, and in the empty nest stage.

 

We have reinvented this stage of our lives with each other. We now have more free time to spend together and are enjoying all of our many vacations and trips. Our sex life has never been better, it is much more intimate and caring since we don't have to rush everything.

 

However, I don't see this happening with you or your marriage, as you are not able to be honest and forthcoming both with your feelings and the affair.

 

Like someone said above, if your wife knew the true extent of just how bad you betrayed her and your true feelings about her, she would probably not even want to be married to you!

 

Just got back from 25th anniversary cruise, so it's not the travel.

[nooneyouknow]

To the OP, a lot of what you write sounds as if it's coming out of my soon to be ex-husband's mouth. I don't know if he had an affair (he denies it), but I do know he was looking for casual sex and hookups just days after dropping the bomb on me - and likely before then as well. Same stuff as you that he's unhappy and wants out and wanted to move on - very swiftly and acted stone cold and like everything was business and paperwork for him at that point.

 

He was so emotionally detached from me and our marriage that it's troubling. I see more signs that I missed or overlooked as I stepped back from the marriage. Initially I acted as your wife did - huge emotional response, wanted to try to work things out together. He completely gave me the cold shoulder so I learned really fast that I needed to get out. Moved out very quickly.

 

I'm not faultless in my marriage, but I feel like I was a good wife - never cheated, always held down a good job, tried my best to meet his needs. We had separate and shared hobbies, I'm very active and in shape. I gave him space when he wanted space.

 

I identify with everything that dreamingoftigers has written. I am in IC and asked my husband to do the same. He refuses. That says to me that unless he seeks help for his emotional and communication issues that a relationship between us would never work. Initially I at least wanted to TRY to see if we could work on this.

 

It still devastates me but I now know that I can find someone who's more emotionally open and willing to actually be a life partner. Your wife will soon realize the same thing. My husband has already tried to come crawling back to me, but no way. I am moving on and his problems are no longer mine.

 

I really like this response. Very honest and heart felt. I'm glad you're an optimist, and I'm sorry things/life did not work out as you've planned.

 

Please do not judge your husband too harshly. I believe many men are just wired this way. Maybe some women too. I joke when I say marriage should be like a car lease, in three years you can decide if you want to renew or you want a new model. But seriously, why don't marriages expire after 22 or 25 years, or when the youngest kid hits 20 or 21? So much less pain and heartache for everyone, and people who want to re-up can do so.

[nooneyouknow]

Fortunately the obvious has been expertly expressed many, many, many times....so nothing for me to contribute about Mr. It's All About Me.

 

Ironically studying his appalling, grotesque, self-serving, and manipulative behavior has freed me just a bit more.

 

Wow....reading thru his early postings shows: how out of touch, desperate, the extent of the way-ward spouses' self-serving horrendous actions, and how easily they will auction off without their permission the BS's life. <<Then adding insult to injury, the WSs are curiously astonished by emotional response of the kept in the dark BS.>>

 

By creating this false reality and disguising the true state of the marriage, they set into motion the perilous process of the BS trying to identify why is the marriage failing.

 

Currently in IC, I'm working on processing and properly storing aspects of my soon to be ending marriage. Especially challenging has been, but with the help of my therapist, separating truthful events (be they good or bad) from those deceptive (be they good or bad) events orchestrated by STBXH.

 

This is so critically because what these selfish/lying SOBs fail to realize, is that their deceptive actions robs the betrayed spouse of their ability to trust one's own judgement.

 

I feel so very sorry for his angel of wife and pray that once truth comes out her journey to healing will be blessed.

 

<<<<Hugs>>>> and love to all the BS. ~Mystery

 

Well, you sound like quite a sanctimonious ass. I see your marriage is failing, so please, save you propaganda and BS for someone who buys that crap.

[CC12]

OP, with the exception of your most recent post (which I can't really blame you for), you seem a little more down to earth now. It's nice. I mean, I still think your whole premise for staying with her with is faulty, but you're not acting like such an arrogant prick anymore. It's a lot easier to respond to you in a productive manner now.

 

So, is there anything specific you'd like help with? What kind of feedback are you looking for? You must have had a reason to update this old thread again. What was the reason?

 

Also, how is your marriage? You said you value your wife very much. That counts for something. Do you love her? Does she love you? Do you guys get along and generally have a decent time together?

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Nooneyouknow,

 

You are exactly right about saving my thoughts for someone who buys it...because I am a luxury few can afford.

 

Again my sincere thanks for your honest display of the self-absorbed adulterous spouse mindset, as it has provided me with a much needed objective and unobstructive view into the final straws of my marriage.

 

Yes, my marriage of 15 yrs has failed because my soon to be ex-husband chose not to honestly communicate but rather pursue an affair with a woman much like your OW.

 

Ironically it was I who was initially unsatisfied with our sex life after many years of marriage, and tried everything I knew to remain connected and spice things up. Oh you know what I mean: couples message, destination meet ups, staying fit/attractive (always svelte size 4), role-play, being the aggressor....the list goes on.

 

Now what I failed to do and until I am legally divorced will continue to do, is to dis-honor my marriage vows by entering into a sexual relationship with another man. Yes, I know for you commitment is just that same old crap you have no interest in buying....but I'm a bit old fashion like that.

 

By the way if your wife knew that she is paying thru the nose for a cheating husband, well she may ask for a REFUND!

 

Happy shopping! ~Mystery

[CC12]

Hi Nooneyouknow,

 

You are exactly right about saving my thoughts for someone who buys it...because I am a luxury few can afford.

 

Again my sincere thanks for your honest display of the self-absorbed adulterous spouse mindset, as it has provided me with a much needed objective and unobstructive view into the final straws of my marriage.

 

Yes, my marriage of 15 yrs has failed because my soon to be ex-husband chose not to honestly communicate but rather pursue an affair with a woman much like your OW.

 

Ironically it was I who was initially unsatisfied with our sex life after many years of marriage, and tried everything I knew to remain connected and spice things up. Oh you know what I mean: couples message, destination meet ups, staying fit/attractive (always svelte size 4), role-play, being the aggressor....the list goes on.

 

Now what I failed to do and until I am legally divorced will continue to do, is to dis-honor my marriage vows by entering into a sexual relationship with another man. Yes, I know for you commitment is just that same old crap you have no interest in buying....but I'm a bit old fashion like that.

 

By the way if your wife knew that she is paying thru the nose for a cheating husband, well she may ask for a REFUND!

 

Happy shopping! ~Mystery

 

This thread isn't really about you, okay?

[Mystery2Me]

I still think your whole premise for staying with her with is faulty, but you're not acting like such an arrogant prick anymore

 

Readily aware the thread is not about me. And your comment regarding his previous behavior means???

[CC12]

Readily aware the thread is not about me. And your comment regarding his previous behavior means???

 

My comment was meant for the OP. If he doesn't understand it, I'll be happy to clarify it for him. I'm not going to explain it to you.

[MsOptimist]

I really like this response. Very honest and heart felt. I'm glad you're an optimist, and I'm sorry things/life did not work out as you've planned.

 

Please do not judge your husband too harshly. I believe many men are just wired this way. Maybe some women too. I joke when I say marriage should be like a car lease, in three years you can decide if you want to renew or you want a new model. But seriously, why don't marriages expire after 22 or 25 years, or when the youngest kid hits 20 or 21? So much less pain and heartache for everyone, and people who want to re-up can do so.

 

I'm not so sure that men are wired this way. I posted to let you know that you may be feeling very guilty and want to retract if and when you walk away from your marriage. My stbxh is feeling very, very guilty, and I know he's struggling right now and having second thoughts on everything.

 

I was reading your other thread where you talk more about your lack of sex life with your wife. My husband initially complained of not enough sex. I wanted very much to bond more on that level (even though we had a pretty good sex life). He wasn't willing to work with me though - he'd expect straight sex with no intimacy outside of the bedroom, which in turn made it difficult for me. We both wanted more bonding and intimacy but had such a disconnect in communication that he wasn't willing to work through the built up resentment.

 

He's already said that the sex wasn't the real issue - and really that me and our marriage wasn't even the real issue. He admitted to putting the blame onto the easiest target - me. I really feel that both he and you are trying to place the blame on other things and not seeing that there's unhappiness within due to not connecting on a level that a married couple should connect. I'm no psychologist, but I've been reading a lot on this kind of dynamic over the past several months.

 

He also used the argument that "we didn't do anything together." That was utter BS as we did more together than most married couples I know. We biked, ran races, climbed mountains, played in soccer and bowling leagues, liked a lot of the same movies/TV shows. Yet there was still some disconnect where he thought that we STILL weren't doing enough. That "reason" was clearly not the real issue either.

 

I agree with someone's comment on your other thread to separate for awhile to sort out your thoughts. If my stbxh wasn't so hellbent on wanting out I might still be willing to salvage my marriage. But it's gone WAY beyond that now, and he's shown no interest in getting professional help. I am getting help for myself to try to see the reality of the situation, because his reality twists and turns and changes a lot.

 

My advice to you is to step back from your situation, be honest with your wife, and seek some help to sort out your thoughts and feelings.

[nooneyouknow]

To me, the fact you are "in love" (which may or may not be the case if you're a sex addict, and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that) with this other woman is irrelevant to your position in your marriage.

 

You don't want to be with your wife anymore. Simple as that. You have told her. She knows. She of course doesn't want you to leave, BUT ultimately, she is obviously in denial if she goes on as if nothing has happened and tries desperately to pretend everything is normal.

 

Why have you not made the move yet? Out of the house, away from your wife? Because of her reactions when you say you want to leave? This isn't a valid reason to stay, as you well know.

 

To her, you have told her you want to leave her, but you're...still there. That's mixed signals. Do you have a plan of when you intend to leave? If so, tell her. If not, make one.

 

I assume you want to be with the other woman you're in love with? If so, is this possible from her side? Is she with anyone else? CAN you fly over there and be with her, or is she willing to fly over to you and be with you? (permanently I mean)

 

If so, why wait?

 

If not, well...you still should make moves to properly move out of your home and leave your wife.

 

Very good question, and this is the one I can't resolve within myself. Is it OK to leave a kind and loving spouse because a person is unhappy with the marriage and wants so much more-sexually, intimately, shared activities, more things in common?

Yes, I have not left because I don't want to hurt her. I know so many people have posted that I am hurting her more by staying, that she deserves better, and maybe this is true. But when someone has always been good to you, and you say you want to leave, and they get teary and cry and say they don't want to lose you-then to me you are hurting that person more by leaving.

[nooneyouknow]

OP, with the exception of your most recent post (which I can't really blame you for), you seem a little more down to earth now. It's nice. I mean, I still think your whole premise for staying with her with is faulty, but you're not acting like such an arrogant prick anymore. It's a lot easier to respond to you in a productive manner now.

 

So, is there anything specific you'd like help with? What kind of feedback are you looking for? You must have had a reason to update this old thread again. What was the reason?

 

Also, how is your marriage? You said you value your wife very much. That counts for something. Do you love her? Does she love you? Do you guys get along and generally have a decent time together?

 

Great, thank you. I guess no one can answer the question, as it is a moral and philosophical question. It is above all out pay grades, LOL.

 

But the question is this-Is it OK, decent, reasonable, however you want to phrase it, to leave a spouse of 25 years that has always been good and kind and loving, just because one partner is unhappy and want more/a different relationship?

 

Listen again, maybe I have not stated it all clearly-my wife is the perfect mother, she gives time to people and charities, she is a good daughter, a good friend to people, however, she is not the perfect wife in some ways. For all her kindness and generosity and her good and loving nature, she has never made me or our sex life any kind of priority for the past 20+ years. She is very conservative this way.

 

Also, some people have asked about a recent comment I made about her hygiene. The truth is, she often falls asleep on the couch at night and comes to bed after I'm asleep. She is not a night time shower taker. I think sometimes she doesn't even brush her teeth before going to bed because she is exhausted.

 

Some have asked what I have done to address these issues. When I told her 15 months ago that I was unhappy and wanted out of the marriage she cried and blamed herself. I suggested we go to the gym together. I thought this would be time shared, and help her mood and her body, which is not terrible, not obese, but far from buff. We went to the gym together a few times, then she developed a short lived routine of going early in the morning before I go. But even that was sporadic and didn't last more than two or three months. The truth is, except for a one year period long, long ago before we were married, she has never really worked out.

 

I have reached the point where I am resenting my wife. I am resenting her because I stayed when she cried, and I lost the OW because I stayed too long. The OW, besides the sex, was someone who made me the center point of her life. We also had a lot in common as far as exercise, music, likes, etc etc. The OW was a person who ENJOYED life. That is the big difference. She enjoyed all aspects of being with me, whether it was a movie, dinner, travel, sex, whatever. When i travel with my wife, she is on a breakneck pace to see everything and then shop. When I did things with the OW, we did it at a relaxed pace and left time for us to be alone at least once a day. It's a world of difference.

 

My wife senses my unhappiness, and her response is to seem more kind and loving. I don't know if she wants reassurance that I am not leaving, or she is trying to show me kindness, but her response to my unhappiness is more hugs and kisses. She does nothing to address the showering, the teeth brushing, initiating sex, working on her body, etc etc. It is just hugs and kisses.

 

I am at my wits end. I thank you all for reading, and especially for taking the time to think and answer and share your own experiences. I know I have been snippy on here from time to time because I often felt like I was judged and called names. Maybe I never explained the depth of our intimacy problems before. Maybe I am just wired to chase, pursue and seek the next new and exciting woman. I really don't know.

[nooneyouknow]

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/office-diaries/201203/sexless-marriage-is-surprisingly-common

What's really shocking, at least to me, is that this figure is AFTER accounting for the high divorce rate.

In broader terms, it is estimated that anywhere between fifteen and twenty percent of marriages are sexless. That's after over fifty percent of them fail and end in divorce, which doesn't count the amount of people who stay in their marriages miserable and imprisoned, lonely and longing for real love, and the opportunity to express that love through sexual intimacy.

A sexless marriage is defined as 10 or less times a year, which is a little less than once a month. I hate to use Dr Phil as a source, but I will since his figures are consistent with what I've been finding elsewhere:

Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Sexless Statistics

20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. — USA Today

I started to wonder where this divergence comes from, but then I remembered a recent article about how so many women are on SSRIs these days, which can lead to PSSD. Factor in how much the feminization of men and lack of male role models plays into this by making pussified beta men who don't make women attracted and I can see where this is coming from pretty clearly.