I have no idea what to think.

[alexandria35]

"I feel terrible"

"Not sure why"

 

I wrote him "you know why."

 

then I asked him if he'd be in his office because I was going to email him my objective opinion.

He said he was looking forward to it.

 

so i sent this:

 

 

i know you feel like crap right now. J, i care about you, and I hate to say this, but honestly, you should.

don't say you don't know why you feel badly. You absolutely know why.

you're sort of lying to two women.... kind of.

and you got kinda caught.

 

don't worry about me because we're "new"..... and I don't have big expectations of you, except for one thing. I want the truth.

 

i know you're trying to be a decent guy in the "J Way" with H AND me. I get that.

I know you like me. And I know there's something critical missing between you and H. If there wasn't, then 1) you would have disabled POF awhile ago (it takes one second to delete the account) and 2) there's no way you'd be taking me out, sleeping with me, and developing a dating relationship with me if you were in love with her.

 

Here's your first mistake. You're making his bad behavior about the other girlfriend. As in he's only doing this because he doesn't really care about her and she doesn't give him what he needs. Maybe think about how he can spend a night with you, talk sweetly with you, have sex with you and then be sending her lovey text messages the moment you're out of sight. Does that mean you didn't give him enough of what he needs so he had to turn to her the moment he got away from you? Stop competing with her and believing that you must be the "special" one just because you came after her (literally and figuratively)

 

In all honesty, people typically fall in love in the beginning of a relationship or dating within the first few months, like 3 months. it's been 5 for you and you're interested in me. So I believe you when you tell me you want to distance yourself from her because if you didn't you wouldn't have gotten with me. i totally understand you want to "let her down easy" to save her feelings, etc.....

 

but the text today - what i can't wrap my head around is the "baby" part.

you know..... you're texting her the minute I'm leaving in my car after an awesome night out together, a great overnight in bed making love (sex whatever) and cuddling and talking about everything - from ghosts to tequila.... I get that you want to be decent, but don't tell me you're laying the groundwork to end the relationship you obviously have with her if you're going to continue calling her baby. That's called leading her on.

 

You're supposed to be distancing yourself from her, not texting her the second I'm gone after spending the night with you, and on top of it, your text reads like you're still together to me.

 

When you truly want to break up with someone, you state your case, you are civil, decent, and you keep it short. It's like ripping a band-aid off.

You don't drag it out unless you're not sure.

 

You do not call her baby and pet names. and you don't "sleep over" to comfort her either.

that is not how you let someone down easy.

so let's call a spade a spade here.

 

At the worst, you're a player and have no intention of letting it go with her.

At the best, you're leading her on by doing that.

 

It's not my business at this point in the game, but there's a right way and a wrong way to conduct yourself, and all you're doing, if you really are going to end it with her in the next couple weeks, is sending mixed messages to her by spending the night with her and calling her baby.

It also sends me mixed ones when the minutes I'm out of eyesight, you're thumbing away to her on the phone calling her affectionate names and making sure youIt would sit a lot better with me if you'd just be honest and tell me you're not going to stop seeing her. Then I would know what I was working with.

Remember, i like to stay in reality.

right now, Heather is not in reality, and if I didn't know what I know, I wouldn't be either. The only one who would know the whole deal would be you. For not wanting to hurt anyone, you're not doing a very good job.

I don't know if you're being honest with me or not about how you feel about her, because your actions don't add up with your words. they're not syncing together. If you truly want to distance yourself from her and end the relationship, then google how to do it properly if you don't believe me....this ain't it....

If you don't want to google it, then it's ok to ask a friend or two (guy or girl, whatever) what to do. babe, I don't know, but your way isn't the right way, and that's all I can tell you.

 

The above is way to wordy and unneccesary. Guys don't like reading epic emails. They understand things much better when you are succint and to the point. I would have said something along the lines of "you're full of it, don't contact me again" I mean seriously, why do you think you have to explain all of this to him like he's a two year old. Either he knows the right way to treat people or he doesn't. And if he doesn't then you sure as heck ain't going to change that with one really long email. I've always thought that when women treat men like their too dumb to understand basic decency that their playing right into the guys hand. Guys love it when you think they don't know better and that you can help them.

 

Maybe you'll find you want to stay with Heather.

Maybe you'll find you don't want to and you really like me.

or maybe you would prefer a few 20-something girls for fun.

only you can decide that.

 

If you want to truly re-evaluate staying with her, then tell me the truth and I'll understand that you'll see both of us.

But in fairness, she should know you'll be dating others too.

If she doesn't - and you continue to see us both - you know what that makes you. not a good guy.

good guys make clean breaks. they don't linger around.

 

I feel I know you better than I probably do because of our past. So of course I'm thinking if we're still dating I'd want to go away with you somewhere for your b-day and if you are potentially going with her, it would be nice to know that. I want to see things, go places, enjoy life and you're the perfect candidate. We have an excellent foundation for a great dating relationship to blossom. Except for one little thing.....

 

The above reads like "see how perfect I am for you? See how fantastic your life will be if you get rid of her? Oh please please pick me"

 

Maybe while you're sorting this out I'll still see you if you want to....and you don't have to feel like crap about it - i know these things are hairy and difficult when there are two people you sort of want to be around, plus you and i are only dating, we're not engaged........, but don't tell me one thing and then show me your actions are contradicting it.

 

 

you don't want to hurt anyone, but if you want to just keep seeing her, say so. that way I can go into self-preservation too and we can just enjoy each other without me thinking we can have future plans to go places, go on trips, etc. If you're going to tell her you want to re-evaluate things, then you sleep overnight with her, and you're texting her "good morning baby" the second I'm out of sight, it makes the whole thing smell bad to anyone who's on the outside looking in at this.

 

For now, I'm willing to go on as we are because I enjoy being around you, but I don't think you have any intention of breaking things off with her.

 

For now you're okay to go on as things are? Well why bother writing this long email then? You just told him you'll accept whatever you can get, even if it means you have to share him with another woman.

 

and it's ok if you're confused. I promise you I won't hold that against you. But you've gotta open up to me and be honest because last Wed night's stay over there, and this morning's text that I thought was so sweet that you were texting me so fast...... that stuff isn't jiving with the way you're telling me you feel.

Just be honest with everyone and I swear to you that you won't get into trouble, at least with me. I care about you and we're friends and nothing's going to change that. I want to believe we've got a shot to date each other without interference from something that wasn't working out for you anyway though...

 

Hmmm....again this sounds a lot like you trying to convince him to have a committed relationship with you. See how caring and understanding I am? See how you can tell me anything and I'll always care about you? See why you should get rid of that other one that isn't fabulous like me?

 

 

sorry this was so long or if it sounded harsh. But you need to get your **** together here.... not only won't this work for anyone else, but honey, it won't end up working for you to play it out like this.... you know that.

 

Actually I'm sorry if my responses are harsh but life is harsh. You don't pour your heart out to some guy who has already shown himself as someone who can't be trusted and then cry when they hurt you. Why are you even telling him all about this wonderful future you see you two having together when you've only just started seeing him? He spent the night doing her, then the next night he was doing you, then as soon as you were out of sight he sends her messages. Ewwww. Oh I'm sure he feels terrible alright. I bet he's just royally pissed at himself about how stupid he was to accidently send that message to you.

 

Plus for all your talk to him about the importance of honesty, are you really being honest with him? Or yourself? You're clearly seeing this as some sort of possible long term relationship, picturing your future with him etc, and yet you pretend like it's okay with you if he wants to keep the other gf around too. If you keep seeing him and sleeping with him you are going to less and less okay with him seeing anyone else so be honest about that at least.

[Itsonlyme66]

ok so now what.

 

He texted he was thinking.

 

I said about what, seeing me?

 

He responded, "About everything"

 

I have not written.

 

What to do ????

Just tell me what to say here guys. I feel like he's had an hour and what is there to think about?

[Itsonlyme66]

He said,

I'll call you when I cut it off with Heather completely. I'm sorry sweetie.

 

I wrote back, ok.

[woinlove]

He said,

I'll call you when I cut it off with Heather completely. I'm sorry sweetie.

 

I wrote back, ok.

 

I hope this R is new enough to you that you can move on quickly and forget about this guy. You write him a long email which shows how invested you already are in him and he responds with a short email that leaves you dangling, as if he thinks that you will wait for him, maybe a few days, maybe a week, a month, a year or never. He wasn't being very nice to Heather and he isn't being very nice to you.

[Itsonlyme66]

I know.

 

I just drove to his home. He's at work. He had bought me $30 in exotic soaps from a soap store last night.

 

I put them in the original bag at his front door with a note that reads, "These are yours, baby."

 

and I got home and he texted a sad face to me.

 

I wrote back:

me too x 100 i can't believe i was laughing with you last nite and waking up next to you this morning. but maybe it's good this happened so you can figure out how you feel.

 

I don't expect to ever hear from him again, and I won't initiate any contact.

[alexandria35]

You don't have to explain anything more to him. Ignore him and let him do his thinking but be very wary of anything he says. Right now he's either thinking about getting rid of you because he thinks you're taking his meaningless talk way too seriously or he's thinking up a good comeback that will keep you hooked. So his words mean very little right now.

 

I read my last response to you and I'm sorry about how it came across. I didn't mean to imply that your not special or that you're not fabulous, I just meant that you shouldn't be trying so hard to sell yourself to this guy. A decent guy will know how fantastic you are without you having to tell him, he will instictively want you to be his one and only without you having to educate him on why he should choose you.

 

I'm single in my forties and I have some general rules for myself that don't gaurantee success but they do minimize possible icky outcomes. One thing I do is stay far far away from any guys who put their profile on POF. I dont' like dating sites in general and I know that's basically nothing more than my own biased opinion. I'm sure there are lots of really genuine nice people who decide to sign up on dating sites just because they are at a loss on how best to meet people. However I've talked to far to many women who have had far to many creepy experiences with guys they have met on POF. I don't know why but that site is notorious for being a cheap hook up site and everyone knows it, so it's very difficult for me to believe that any man on that site is genuine, when he knows very well what that site is mostly used for. It's like a guy who spends every weekend at sleezy meat market club, pretending to be a sincere guy looking for a meaningful lasting relationship at said meat market. Yeah right. So stay away from POF and stay away from guys who are on POF. Just my two cents.

 

Be wary of guys who call waitresses honey and sweetheart. Again I'm sure there are exceptions to this, but for the most part, calling a woman you don't even know sweetheart or darling or whatever is generally disrespectful of women. Be carefull about having sex too soon. Not because you want to tease and play hard to get, but because you want to keep your eyes open. Women like to talk about how they can have sex like a man, how they can love em and leave em just like guys can, but unless you really don't like the guy you're having sex with, it's very difficult for woman to stay objective about the person she's being initimate with. I think you would have put the brakes on this guy a lot quicker had you known about the other woman before you slept with him. Now you're willing to make excuses for his bad behavior because you had sex with him and you want that to have meant something.

 

Okay sorry I went off on my own tangent there. Back to this guy. I don't want to tell you what to say or do, but if it were me I'd say he blew it and it's time to move on before you get anymore emotionally involved. He's newly divorced and enjoying his bachelerhood. If he's dating you and someone else and he has a profile on POF then he isn't looking for miss right, he's looking for miss ego strokes, miss good time, miss make me feel good in the moment. You sound like you are looking for a relationship with a future and I just don't think this guy is a good candidate for that.

[alexandria35]

I know.

 

I just drove to his home. He's at work. He had bought me $30 in exotic soaps from a soap store last night.

 

I put them in the original bag at his front door with a note that reads, "These are yours, baby."

 

and I got home and he texted a sad face to me.

 

I wrote back:

me too x 100 i can't believe i was laughing with you last nite and waking up next to you this morning. but maybe it's good this happened so you can figure out how you feel.

 

I don't expect to ever hear from him again, and I won't initiate any contact.

 

 

Okay stop being dramatic and cut out the dramatic gestures. What does he want with exotic soap? Why be driving over to his house when he isn't even there? It's soap for pete's sake, I'm sure he didn't want it back and I'm sure you didn't think he needed it back. Just stop talking to him now and stop trying to emotionally manipulate the situation. Is his POF profile still active? He'll call you when he's done with Heather completely? He should have been saying I will be talking to Heather ASAP and letting her know that our relationship is not to be.

[Itsonlyme66]

Just texted "I'm here, come out."

 

I went out and looked very pissed. I started crying. He said "oh baby, i'm sorry, come on....." I looked at him and said, this is all bull****, you know that.

 

He said You have no idea how I feel. I want to end things with her. I do things this way. I said it's the wrong way.

 

Figure out what you want. Do you want to see me or not? How am I getting punished in all this when you were the one who sent the wrong message to me? He said, "Yes I want to see you. I'll call you later and no, I don't want to be with her."

 

I said, then man up, and handle your business.

[Itsonlyme66]

is it safe to assume he won't contact me since I told him I wanted to do what we've been doing?

 

can i assume that even though he said he'd call me later, he won't?

 

it would make things easier...if he's the scumbag most are saying he is. Then I wouldn't have to do any more.

[twinsmom]

You don't HAVE to do any more. If you do, it's because you choose to. Personally, I believe he will call very soon, and continue to string both of you along as long as he can. (Meaning as long as you'll let him).

[alexandria35]

You've become way too emotionally invested in this guy, way too fast. By reading your first post here it sounds like you've only been involved with him for 1-2 weeks and you're already standing in your front yard crying on him. Does that make sense to you? I'm seriously beginning to think that the presence of another woman is actually fueling your desire for him. This has become less about him and more about you wanting to be the chosen one. Or is he fueling your desire for excitement and competition? I really don't think you would be turning this into such a big drama otherwise. You've completely lost your cool over someone you've barely begun a relationship with. I would never let a guy who I have only been seeing for weeks see me get that emotionally charged over him and I don't think you would be this emotionally fired up either if he hadn't introduced the element of another woman. I'm sorry but by reading your posts you are clearly trying to out do the other girlfriend. He told you she made reservations for his birthday so then you told him you want to go away with him for his bday? Now you're resorting to returning his gifts on his front step with notes and crying in front of your home. Are you normally this competive with other woman? Because I'm seeing you become more and more desperate to win him from her and he isn't even a prize. You're crying? You barely even know him and what you do know of him isn't very pretty.

 

And I'm not putting all the blame for the drama on you. He's getting a charge of excitement out of all this too. He's liking the thrill of the drama as much if not more than you. Otherwise he wouldn't be dragging it out. He would be taking action, right here, right now. He's only been seeing the other person for five months so why is he making it such a big deal to stop seeing her? If he thinks you are so great and his relationship with you is so special then why is he making you beg him to choose? If he was as sincere and as swept away by you as he claims to be than he would have taken care his situation without you even having to say one word to him about it. Haven't you ever had a guy fall madly in love with you before? Believe me, when it happens they certainly don't dangle another woman in front of your face. Any women they may have been seeing before you quickly and quietly get put aside. There is no having sex with one one night and then having sex with the new one the next night. F**K THAT!! So he's saying that he doesn't want to be with her and he will call you tonight. Call you tonight for what? Shouldn't he be talking to her tonight and letting her know the news?

 

If he does tell you he broke up with her you better be paying attention to his whereabouts on Wednesday nights and every other weekend but I don't even understand why you still want him after the the double dipping he did over the past two days. Between that and the accidental text message you go received, the ick factor is huge. Not just that he did it, but the ease he had in doing it. Spending the night with you and then texting her like he woke up thinking of her and her kids. Ick Ick Ick. You seriously do not want to win this guy okay? If you like the thrill of competition then go join a sporting activity or run for mayor. Do something that will better you as person, don't lower yourself to this guys level all because you need the ego boost of being chosen.

[xxoo]

You seriously do not want to win this guy okay?

 

^^^^ Agreed.

 

5 months from now, after the initial thrill wears off, he may be sleeping in another woman's bed, and texting you as he walks out her door.

 

He may have been a good guy at one time, but he's screwed up now. Maybe the divorce left him scarred. Whatever the reason, he's a bad bet for you. Be thankful that he showed his true colors earlier than later.

[Itsonlyme66]

He texted me that he wants to see me but i'm not feeling any of this.

 

i'm hysterical crying. maybe not because it's him.

 

maybe because i was treated so sub-standard BEFORE him for 6 years and wanted to believe in the goodness of men.

 

He made me feel special.

 

I take care of my 89 year old mom full time. it's SO hard. He knew this and was there this past week showing me new restaurants, caressing me, making me laugh so hard..... making me feel good. but it was all ****.

 

bottom line. i'm on my own. and i know it.

and it sucks because i wanted so badly to share my life at 45 and an attractive female with someone that could care and and not pulll away.

[spice4life]

He texted me that he wants to see me but i'm not feeling any of this.

 

i'm hysterical crying. maybe not because it's him.

 

maybe because i was treated so sub-standard BEFORE him for 6 years and wanted to believe in the goodness of men.

 

He made me feel special.

 

I take care of my 89 year old mom full time. it's SO hard. He knew this and was there this past week showing me new restaurants, caressing me, making me laugh so hard..... making me feel good. but it was all ****.

 

bottom line. i'm on my own. and i know it.

and it sucks because i wanted so badly to share my life at 45 and an attractive female with someone that could care and and not pulll away.

 

Now that it has ended, keep it that way. He doesn't have any intention of having a "real" rlationship with you; he is grooming you to be his piece on the side. His tactics are so clasic and now he has you hooked. Please listen to me and the others when we tell you to run because we know how this is going to play out. He knows he has you totally wrapped around his finger because of how you are resonding. You are giving hm all the info he needs to know and now he will string you along grooming you to accept second place. That was his plan all along. If you're smart, you will go silent and walk away. Don't say another word to him.

 

Go out and get some books about dating and men before you date again, so you can protect yourself. And by the way, POF is full of cheaters liike him who prey on vulnerable women. Stop and educate yourself before you begin dating again. That's not a slam because I've btdt too and now I know where I went wrong ad it won't happen again.

[alexandria35]

I totally get where you're coming from itsonlyme. I see why you are struggling. You recently freed yourself from a bad relationship that went on too long but now you're alone, you bear the burden of caring for your loved one by yourself and you're lonely. Along comes this guy who gives you a taste of the things that you long for and it's hard to walk away from that.

 

I've been trying to steer away from talking about my own life so much but I did go through something very similar once. I had been with an alcoholic man for 8 years and our relationship had become completely void of anything close to being healthy and nurturing. He was immature, uncommunicative, unpredictable, irresponsible, etc. I finally screwed up the courage to leave him simply because I knew I had to but life felt pretty sad to me after I left. I was broke, lonely, sad and often wondered why I even went to the bother of leaving him because my life certainly wasn't any better. That went on for about 5 months and then cue "prince charming". Mr good looking and charming walked into my life and swept me off of my feet. He had it all. I had never had such an amazingly good match to my personality before. With my alcoholic bf we could barely speak full sentences to each other. Not just because of the hostility between us, also because we just never seemed to have anything to talk about and we didn't enjoy each others conversation. I thought his talk was juvenille and crass, and he thought I was a snotty bitch because I didn't enjoy talking like a fourteen year old kid. New guy and I seemed to never run out of things to talk about. Alcoholic guy and I never seemed to connect sexually on an emotional level. We either had boring run of the mill sex or we had hot, get down and dirty sex, but we never had loving intimate sex. For some reason he couldn't even make eye contact during sex. New guy was extremely loving and caring during sex. I valued honesty, new guy valued honestly. I valued family, new guy valued family. Alcoholic guys idea of a good time was to get stinking falling down drunk with his buddies, new guys idea of a good time was any time he could spend hanging out and seeing me.

 

I was positively thrilled to have met him and couldn't believe my good fortune. Life had always been kind of hard for me and I really believed that somehow my time had come and I was finally getting rewarded for my hardships. The first six months we spent together were the happiest days of my life. I woke up happy. I went to bed happy. I was euphoric almost all the time...lol. I had a new outlook on life and the once bleak world was suddenly vivid and full of wonder. When it began to become apparent that new guy had some very serious issues of his own, I totally buried my head in the sand. I was completely hooked on the feelings I experienced with him and I wasn't about to let go of that just because he was turning out to be a lunatic...LOL. Well he was a lunatic and he ended up being 10 times more difficult to be with than my alcoholic ex. I went to the depths of hell with him because I couldn't accept going back to being alone in my sad lonely bleak little world. And when our relationship finally did end as it was inevitably going to, I felt like I had been cast into a cold silent world of lonliness and despair. I really didn't think I was going to pull through it.

 

During my recovery I realized that there really are no shortcuts in life. I had made this man my saviour, my source of joy and happiness, my life, because it seemed to be the shortest path to the life I wanted. He offered and all I had to do was buy what he was selling. How convienent is that? I didn't have to change, I didn't have to work on myself, I didn't have to resolve any of own issues, I didn't have to challenge myself or make any effort toward creating my own happiness. All I had to do was believe in my prince charming who was going to take me away from it all and make my life a never ending story of joy and happiness. I came to realize that this was a cop out. I was trying to find happiness by taking it from outside sources rather than creating it within. After that relationship destroyed me and eliminated any fantasies I ever had about riding off into the sunset with mr right, I had no choice but to focus on myself and think about who I want to be and how I can make myself happy. I discovered that peace and love and joy all resided within me. That I didn't need anyone to bring those things to me because I already had them and I always did. Now my life probably looks pretty dull to a lot of people. I live alone with my cat, I go to work everyday and spend weekends with family and friends. I like to read,bike ride, work out and hang out on this silly forum....lololol. Not very exciting right? Except I have truly never been happier with my life and with myself. I mean that honestly. Bloom where you are planted. It's hard to be alone but so what? It's hard to be in a relatioship too. Happiness and joy come from within you. It's hard to take care of your mom by yourself and you should get credit for that, but you should embrace it too. One day she will pass and you will know that you were a good loving daughter to her and you won't regret that. 45 isn't old. You still have time to have plenty of new experiences. Enjoy the life you have right now because it will change and someday you might regret that you didn't make the most of this time.

[truthbetold]

Holy Crap, Where to start? First off, LadyGrey and Alexandria are spot on. I hope you're listening. I'd only reiterate what they said. If you go back and re-read your email, unfortunately you are not only contradicting yourself (okay if it's free and easy, you just want to know vs dump Heather before you have a relationship) but you are repeating yourself way too much about how much he needs to do this and basically repeating the two contradictions)

 

You are still contemplating allowing him back in "if" he figures himself out. Why??? Guys do NOT respect women that will turn themselves into doormats for them. Even if he came back, besides not knowing if you could trust him you set the stage that he has WAY more power in this relationship.

 

And remember if you do decide to travel down this disaster ridden road with him you've given him a great out to dump you. So don't be surprised if you allow him to smooth things over that down the road since you told him "how he should dump a women swifly and not leading on" if he'll just dump you by text. Now imagine how your self esteem will take a hit bc you will ponder that he didn't do that with Heather, when in reality he probably has zero intentions of breaking it off with Heather YET.

 

And that YET is the big word, besides player he sounds like a comet type where it's all fast and furious at first but burns out within about 6mos so in 6mos he moves on to someone else. He's probably been planning on dumping Heather "soon" but wants someone in the wings so he doesn't have to go through the BS of dating from scratch YET, he'll do that when he's with you. NO mistake, he's a player that probably feels that he has the right to do this to women bc of what his wife did to him.

 

Any pain you suffer from here on out is YOUR choice. You now should have eyes wide open.

[alexandria35]

Holy Crap, Where to start? First off, LadyGrey and Alexandria are spot on. I hope you're listening. I'd only reiterate what they said. If you go back and re-read your email, unfortunately you are not only contradicting yourself (okay if it's free and easy, you just want to know vs dump Heather before you have a relationship) but you are repeating yourself way too much about how much he needs to do this and basically repeating the two contradictions)

 

You are still contemplating allowing him back in "if" he figures himself out. Why??? Guys do NOT respect women that will turn themselves into doormats for them. Even if he came back, besides not knowing if you could trust him you set the stage that he has WAY more power in this relationship.

 

And remember if you do decide to travel down this disaster ridden road with him you've given him a great out to dump you. So don't be surprised if you allow him to smooth things over that down the road since you told him "how he should dump a women swifly and not leading on" if he'll just dump you by text. Now imagine how your self esteem will take a hit bc you will ponder that he didn't do that with Heather, when in reality he probably has zero intentions of breaking it off with Heather YET.

 

And that YET is the big word, besides player he sounds like a comet type where it's all fast and furious at first but burns out within about 6mos so in 6mos he moves on to someone else. He's probably been planning on dumping Heather "soon" but wants someone in the wings so he doesn't have to go through the BS of dating from scratch YET, he'll do that when he's with you. NO mistake, he's a player that probably feels that he has the right to do this to women bc of what his wife did to him.

 

Any pain you suffer from here on out is YOUR choice. You now should have eyes wide open.

 

Also very good advice. Now you know how this guy plays. When he tires of you he will make sure he's already bedding down the next one before he ditches you. Do pay attention to how people treat every single person in their life, not just how they treat you. Heather has kid(s), he knows shes looking for something longterm and that she's emotionally invested in her relationship. He should have been ending it with her the second she told him she loved him and he knew he didn't feel the same.

[Itsonlyme66]

Well, I've been crying my eyes out (I mean bawling. My eyes are swollen and I was on the floor of the bathroom when all this hit me.... it's a sad reality) - and I finally fell asleep on the bed for a few hours.

 

Just woke up to a text message. Apparently J is watching A&E on TV and sent me a screen shot of the show..... asked what I was doing, sent me a smiley face, and then said he was tired and was going to bed. said "good night (insert my name instead of saying babe this time) - i'm going to lay in bed. xo"

 

I just don't get it.

 

I hadn't talked to him for the afternoon. why even play these games with me.

I know,.... I know. I left an opening.

 

You'd think I'd know better.

As some of you know, I just got out of a very heartbreaking 6 year engagement with another man who really, really hurt me. When J swooped in, I had known him for so many years and always crushed on him, and he really knew that and did all the right things this week. I just fell hard fast again.

 

Reality bites.

[2sunny]

Until he shows action and ends it with her - he's not the man he pretends to BE.

 

Also I'd be reluctant to see him again mainly because how would you ever know that he isn't on a dating site and hooking up with "other women" while he pretends to BE with you?

 

Too many things he's left you wondering about as far as his character - or lack of.

 

He said he would break it off with her - then he didn't. Now he says "I need to let her down gently" - which is all bull crap!

 

He wants two women fawning for his attention and he's LOVING the ego stroke.

 

That type of man gives me the creeps - I don't care how nice or good looking he is - if he doesn't want to DO what's right and not hurt people's feelings - he's out! He isn't doing proper order at all!

 

I wouldn't even answer texts or calls... He's just trying to bump you back into your "second place " position.

 

You can take it if you want to - but know that that is all he's offered you.

 

It's hurtful to that other gal too - she thinks he's ONLY seeing her!

 

I hope you used protection!

[2sunny]

Okay stop being dramatic and cut out the dramatic gestures. What does he want with exotic soap? Why be driving over to his house when he isn't even there? It's soap for pete's sake, I'm sure he didn't want it back and I'm sure you didn't think he needed it back. Just stop talking to him now and stop trying to emotionally manipulate the situation. Is his POF profile still active? He'll call you when he's done with Heather completely? He should have been saying I will be talking to Heather ASAP and letting her know that our relationship is not to be.

 

But he did tell her that he would end it with H and then he didn't - he slept with her - then slept with the OP the very next day too.

 

He lies! He doesn't DO what he says he'll do. When the words and actions don't match - there's a lie in there.

 

He's not the man you thought he could be...

[Itsonlyme66]

I feel like I'm being persecuted here but maybe I deserve it.

 

I realize Heather is an innocent party in this.

I do realize that.

I mean, she doesn't even know what is happening.

I should feel sorry for her.

 

It's just I didn't know about her until after we had been together a couple of times, and when he did tell me about her, he said he was ending it.

So I assumed he was.

 

Then this text and I knew I couldn't give him the benefit of the doubt anymore.

 

I only returned the soap because he spent $30 on it and I just didn't want the reminder of them. I thought he would just use them or something. I didn't return them for a reaction. honestly.

and I did it when he wasn't even there.

 

Anyhow, i'm sure he feels like ****, and whatever.

I feel worse.

 

he's making small talk (or trying to) with his little text messages. it's stupid because he lives 5 min away from me right up the street and if he was really going to leave Heather, he'd want to see me tonight. but apparently he's "tired".... if he's even there. If I remember correctly, this is Heather's "free" weekend without kids.

 

So I'm out. I have to be out of this.

I can't go into this knowing what I know now.

even if he keeps sending smiley faces and little xoxo stuff, it really means nothing. it doesn't mean he's thinking about me. it means he's.... putting feelers out, I guess.

[alexandria35]

But he did tell her that he would end it with H and then he didn't - he slept with her - then slept with the OP the very next day too.

 

He lies! He doesn't DO what he says he'll do. When the words and actions don't match - there's a lie in there.

 

He's not the man you thought he could be...

 

Oh I agree with you totally. If you read any of my other posts on this thread you know I think this guy is trash no matter what he says or does at this point.

 

OP I just don't know why you're making such a huge drama out of this. You were kind of snide about the his gf of 5 months making him a card and being in love with him, but here you are acting like this one of your life's hugest tradgedies and you've only spend a couple a nights together. Your reaction is way over the top and completely out of porportion with the actual events. I really don't think this is about him at all. It sounds like maybe you've been carrying around some deeply buried pain and this event simply unleashed it. This would be good time for you to address your real demons. Forget about him. There are plenty more fish in the sea, but remember to stay off of Plenty of Fish...haha. Anyways take this time to get yourself together and heal some more from your past relationship.

[Itsonlyme66]

I think Alexandria is spot on. I AM carrying around and harboring a lot of buried unresolved issues from my 6 yr relationship that ended a couple of months ago. When this happened, it was like flashbacks for me. Especially coming from someone who I had known for 20 years and always seemed like a forthright guy as far as I knew. But you don't really know people until you get involved with them, and this was NOT a good start at all.

 

Hockey is right too. he's not worth my tears. And to answer the question, we practiced safe sex, yes.

 

It just felt so good to have a familiar (handsome) face telling me that it was all about MY comfort, MY feelings, MY needs and wants.... treating me like a Queen to my face so I took it all at face value. But behind my back, I was nothing to him.

 

It's the way he spoke to me that made it seem like more than 3x together. He said all the right things, right down to us being destined....planning to take me on more than a couple trips, spelling them out in detail, etc. He was talking about building a future based on our familiarity, attraction, and how much we "fit" together this past week and I just was a very easy mark.

[Itsonlyme66]

It wasn't my nose he was blowing those roses up!!

lol.

 

I like that. my man picker is broken. yeah. it has been for years.

 

He was just holding my hand CONSTANTLY, looking into my eyes, like he had been waiting for me for that whole 20 years while we were both "taken"....

 

I can't believe he wasn't the man I thought I knew.

 

But nobody is, I guess.

I'm ready to become a cat lady.

[2sunny]

No you don't have to become the cat lady. Just become self aware and understand your own motivations for why you do what you do and who you invite into your life. As others said, happiness is not a man, it's within you. Yep.......I'm still looking for that happiness thing to, but I'm aware now that no one else can give it to me. I can't handle any more broken slash fixer upper men.

 

You can do this.........yes you can.

 

I agree totally!

 

And I'm not bashing you - I'm just saying that he's lied! And when a man leads with a lie - I choose not to continue - I just don't want to because of trust already being broken from the start - makes me not trust HIM.

 

But YOU do have choices - and you can choose NOT to participate because of the evidence he's shown by being untrustworthy.

 

Continuing to communicate with him leads him to believe your ok with him continuing this way. Don't respond to his silly texts... It's his way of being sure you're going to still participate on some level.

 

We train people how to treat us. Don't train him that you're not worth it - train men to KNOW you should be worthy of being their priority - not their option.