I have no idea what to think.

[2sunny]

Just don't correspond to anything no matter what.

[truthbetold]

Holy Crap!!! What do we have to do to make you STOP? Really what? WHY...seriously WHY (yeah, I'm screaming) do you want to re-evaluate. WHAT is it about him that makes him SO worth holding onto? What are his redeemable qualities? Cuz, I see NONE!

 

Still formulating, my thoughts. I want to ask you something so I can tailor it for you. Where's your faith? Do you believe in God? Some other power? Do you pray?

 

This will help me respond. Good grief girl, I can't believe you can't see what a craptastic loser this guy is. :sick: He's most def getting it on with Heather, and he's gonna spin you a lie when he resurfaces Sunday night or whenever.

 

You said you wouldn't have done anything if he would have told you upfront about Heather, so what's changed? He crossed your dealbreaker and if you don't walk away NOW he'll challenge another one of your "dealbreakers" that you apparantly only write in the sand. Write 'em in stone dammit!!! He said he would break it off, he didn't you expected him too...effin DEALBREAKER. NEXXXXXXT!!!!!! It's that simple if you want to find a quality relationship. period.

 

Ok...I'll wait to hear where your faith is, and then formulate my list to help you move on. But here's a key there should NEVER be any confusion of any relationship, if someone makes you think and gives you mixed signals.....NEXXXXXXT

[Itsonlyme66]

Like she said, I went from being ignored and not treated well for a long time to this magical BS from J. I mean everything was about my comfort, my feelings, what made me feel good. I felt like gold. He took me proudly with him everywhere and made plans with me.

 

I went to baggage reclaim's site. he's a future faker.

 

And I know this, and I know he's going between her and me. (Well, maybe not now because I was angry at him yesterday) - but even after yesterday when i called him and all that, and he came over to calm me down and i was pissed talking to him in his truck.... i figured I'd never hear from him again even though he said he would call me this weekend.

 

and then, beep. i get meaningless little feeler texts from him yesterday evening. but he's not flirting, not warm. he's ... i don't know what he is or why he's doing it. guilt, to keep me on the line, who knows. i can't figure it out.

 

I do know that I need to tell him let's just stop this. or maybe by saying nothing at all he'll just fade. i have no idea.

 

i just liked him very much considering i always liked J. And when he said he was in heaven because finally he was with me, it made my life! I felt so good like it was a meant-to-be thing and then THEN THEN he tells me she's in the picture and has no idea and how bad he feels and he's made a mess of everything.

I'm rambling.

 

oh and I do believe in a higher power. I am spiritual and it's a strong yet private spirituality. i don't attend church unless i have to.

[Itsonlyme66]

They used to play at J & R's house - J would play nintendo with him when he was a little kid.

 

So we've known them (him) for a long time.

and that made me very comfortable. He reminded me how he met my dad a decade ago.... dad died in 2009 and he felt terrible when i told him. he was all hugging me and stuff.

 

i just felt like i didn't have to go through the motions of getting to know J because I thought I already did, and finally....as destiny would have it - we found each other. at least that's what he was insinuating.

 

til this.

well, i won't contact him or send that email then. I'll just let this lay and it will most likely die of attrition. I'm not going to have to slam any doors because i think he's out. and that would be easier for me to handle than literally telling him to F off at this point, as I'm not strong enough inside of myself yet..

[Itsonlyme66]

It's him.

I didn't pick it up. I let it go to voice mail. (and I can't retrieve my messages on the cell, so there ya go)

 

i wonder if he's going to call the house. i hope he just texts me.

what the hell is wrong with me. i'm scared and feel like a panic attack just came on.

 

no no... i can't do this. this won't be good.

you guys are right.

[xxoo]

i just liked him very much considering i always liked J. And when he said he was in heaven because finally he was with me, it made my life! I felt so good like it was a meant-to-be thing and then THEN THEN he tells me she's in the picture and has no idea and how bad he feels and he's made a mess of everything.

 

I get this.

 

The thing is--he did a REALLY crappy thing. I mean, really bad. What he did to H was pretty bad, but what he did you you, knowing you for 20 years, was much worse.

 

With that kind of history, he clearly owed you honesty. You can't dip a toe in with that kind of history, and just see how it goes.

 

He was knowingly reckless with your heart. More reasons to stay FAR away from him, whether he dumps H or not.

[Itsonlyme66]

just texted (left no voice mail)

"just got done with side job. what are you up to"

 

f*ck. ok it's crunch time on me now.

ignoring it. gonna take a COLD shower and breathe.

[truthbetold]

just texted (left no voice mail)

"just got done with side job. what are you up to"

 

f*ck. ok it's crunch time on me now.

ignoring it. gonna take a COLD shower and breathe.

 

LOL so Heather's a "side job" now? DO NOT get caught up in the euphoria that you heard from him. You've the junkie fix and you're feeling pretty good. Face it, you said you wouldn't hear from him, so you were probably in a trough, now you did and you're at the top of the roller coaster desiring the next fix of the junkie high of rushing back down. But the train's gonna derail it's already gone off the track when he's lied to you twice now. First with the lie of omission that he's seriously involved with some else, next with the following through on breaking it off.

 

You need to tell him calmly and firmly upon further reflection you don't appreciate the way he clearly disrespected you but not doing what he said, and frankly since you were "caught up in the romance of it all" you went against your values and established a false intimacy.

 

Here's the other thing...and PLEASE I'm NOT trying to hurt you or make you feel like crap, but I want to point something out to you. The fact that he DIDN'T run a mile after the 1st email puts a red flag up to me that HE is no where near healed enough for a healthy relationship. Because a healthy guy would see all the contradictions that "hey I'm free and cool and down for whatever, to please, please pick me, bc I have our life all planned out (going away for his birthday, future trips etc..." Especially how you repeated over and over that you will take whatever scraps he has to give but please just tell you first! That tells him you have zero respect for yourself and ANY HEALTHY guy would pick up on that and realize YOU aren't ready for that healthy relationship either. I don't mean it as a slam, I really , really don't. I want you to own up to your own contradictions and mixed signals. ....You HAVE to fix yourself first. But bc he is unhealthy it didn't turn him off, instead he took his time to figure out how to get you deeper into his web.

 

Why does he take his time responding to you? Simple, he knows you're not going anywhere...you've practically bounced up and down shouting no matter what you'll be there.

 

Cool, on the faith thing...I'll get my list for ya;)

[alexandria35]

What side job? Is that what he's calling Heather now?

 

Well I've no more to add to what's already been said. You're going to do whatever it is that you're going to do. Good luck to you. I wish the best outcome for you.

[2sunny]

My guess is - she answered his text...

[truthbetold]

Ack! I fear you answered and are buying the lies too.

 

Look, I'm not going to give you my long version of the list, bc frankly I don't think you want to hear it. I know you want to believe you are healthy and all that but clearly you're not. Healthy women do NOT accept crap treatment, they next the guy.

 

Yeah, you've been through hell, but walking through fire makes you that much stronger. True freedom and growth is born in pain.

 

So you said you do have a spiritual relationship, if so that's who you take your problems to and then sit back and quietly listen for the answers.

 

In a nutshell though what you should do is step way back from dating anyone. Fix yourself by learning who you are, what makes you tick.

 

Then you form your list of what you want in a mate. You have your dealbreakers, your likes, and your negotiables. You stick to that list. If someone crosses your boundaries you next them. If they say they'll be in touch but they leave you hanging and wondering, you next them. Your time and self is too precious to be wasted by some assclown. You become fine in your own skin and who you are that your happiness comes from within and is not reliant on anyone else. That when you do attract that healthy somone it will be an enhancement to your happiness not the crux of it.

 

You never give anyone that kind of power to affect your moods. If they are if you have to question ONE thing on why he is doing this or that, you freaking next them. There are good guys who don't play effin games, they say what they mean, they follow on the actions.

 

I know it's teased about but that whole outlook "he's not that into you" is really true. Guys aren't that complicated and if he's really into you, he's not going to leave the chance that some other guy is going to swoop in on you. He's going to make his intentions known. Guys that what til last minute to firm things up or don't follow through on a promise to be in touch are doing exactly what they seem to be doing. Keeping their options open. When a guy is smitten with you, you have zero questions, they make it known they leave no doubts. period.

 

Like I said if you want the longer version, I will post but you gotta let me know you're interested and ready. Right now I fear you went right back to him for your feel good fix.

[beyond]

Great advice on this thread . Its always so easy to see when its someone else isn't it.

 

OP - I'm in a situation with someone I knew years ago and have always thought was the one that got away. Truth is, he got away because he wanted to.

 

I have broken NC and feel crap about it. I really do feel sometimes that maybe we just have to keep going back like a moth to the flame trying to make it work no matter what our 'gut' and good friends and people on forums with great advice from experience tell us. Finally, after enough times going back to the flame we are so burnt and exhausted we can't go back even if we tried. I think i'm close to that point.

 

Maybe after a few more lies from him OP and a few more weeks of him playing with you, you will get to that point.

 

You are an 'option' to him. Its a horrible concept but it really does appear like that.

[truthbetold]

Oh and another thing. Self respecting women do not step on other women to get love. They just don't. And really I don't want to hear you don't owe other people anything bla bla bla. Cuz, you do. You owe EVERYONE basic human decency.

 

Love and a relationship is one of the most precious gifts. It's not a freaking sport that you need to compete for.

 

Any self respecting woman is going to see a guy that is keeping their options open as an asshat. You should not have to "sell" yourself or your fabulousness to any guy. They will see it, it will exude from you. There is no reason to turn it into a game of "winning" someone away. You find out that a guy is fairly serious with someone else. You step back.

 

That's called treating others as you want to be treated, that's called respectful behavior worthy of respect.

 

If you can "win" a guy away, how long do you think it'll be before someone else does the same thing? Guys that have no problem hurting others in the process of getting their needs met, oh but all in the guise of not wanting to hurt someone are not going to be the kind of guy that will be on a self respecting woman's radar.

 

Bottom line, is a self respecting woman will prefer her OWN company to that of an assclown. If you show a guy that you will accept a relationship on any terms up to and including sharing him, don't be surprised when he shows zero respect for you.

[alexandria35]

Great advice on this thread . Its always so easy to see when its someone else isn't it.

 

OP - I'm in a situation with someone I knew years ago and have always thought was the one that got away. Truth is, he got away because he wanted to.

 

I have broken NC and feel crap about it. I really do feel sometimes that maybe we just have to keep going back like a moth to the flame trying to make it work no matter what our 'gut' and good friends and people on forums with great advice from experience tell us. Finally, after enough times going back to the flame we are so burnt and exhausted we can't go back even if we tried. I think i'm close to that point.

 

Maybe after a few more lies from him OP and a few more weeks of him playing with you, you will get to that point.

 

You are an 'option' to him. Its a horrible concept but it really does appear like that.

 

unfortunately this is true. Wouldn't life be great if we could all just learn from the mistakes of others? I know I have frustrated my family to no end at times with my refusal to listen to them and heed their advice. Deep deep down I always did know that they were right, but for some reason I was determined to make the wrong.

[2sunny]

Some people do have to revisit that pain MANY times - knowing full well that they are stepping into more pain - just to figure out how much pain they are willing to endure for "love".

 

Only when the pain gets so great that they've lost track of who they are or we're as a person - do they realize they don't want to do it anymore.

[beyond]

unfortunately this is true. Wouldn't life be great if we could all just learn from the mistakes of others? I know I have frustrated my family to no end at times with my refusal to listen to them and heed their advice. Deep deep down I always did know that they were right, but for some reason I was determined to make the wrong.

 

The most profound lessons are ones we learn through our own experiences imo. I do think the advice here is great, mainly because its from people who have gone through similar things and learnt the hard way. We can empathise, cut through the crap and excuses and see the real situation for what it is. After all the fantastic advice I was given on my situation by yourself Alexandria, 2sunny and lots more, I was embarrassed to return to post that I'd messed it up by going against what I knew was good sensible advice! Like you with your family, deep down I knew you were all right and that advice isn't wasted, it stays with me and is the voice on my shoulder when he texts etc - saying 'don't reply'.

 

We all learn lessons through life - some of us quicker than others. Hopefully, all of us on here will get there in the end.

[2sunny]

The most profound lessons are ones we learn through our own experiences imo. I do think the advice here is great, mainly because its from people who have gone through similar things and learnt the hard way. We can empathise, cut through the crap and excuses and see the real situation for what it is. After all the fantastic advice I was given on my situation by yourself Alexandria, 2sunny and lots more, I was embarrassed to return to post that I'd messed it up by going against what I knew was good sensible advice! Like you with your family, deep down I knew you were all right and that advice isn't wasted, it stays with me and is the voice on my shoulder when he texts etc - saying 'don't reply'.

 

We all learn lessons through life - some of us quicker than others. Hopefully, all of us on here will get there in the end.

 

Yep, no one is perfect and this forum is here to lend support.

 

If her guy reeled her back in for a weekend of fun - knowing that it was his weekend free from his other girlfriend - she definitely going to need support between now and next weekend when all his attention goes to his other gal when it's her free weekend. The OP willbe ignored while he spents "that weekend" away and busy dating his other gal.

 

That is the life with a cake eater like him - he causes pain at others expense.

 

We are here to support YOUR best interest OP... To help you grow and understand how to be good to yourself.

[Itsonlyme66]

He asked if I had plans. I did. I went with my friend Linda to a Taste of our Town thing downtown.

 

So he said ok maybe another time and I said fine.....

 

Then guess what happened. Remember the ex who was emotionally abusive to me for 6 years?

 

It's like these narcissists have radar. He's obviously miserable and alone. The thing is, my ex, Joe, LEFT ME. I begged him to stay, you know? So finally, I go out for an evening and I am flooded with the following emails and texts. Why do men do these things ??????

 

It's like these exNs have radar.

 

I got the following emails, which of course I didn't answer because I wasn't here last evening:

 

8:20pm

 

Date night ???????????

 

9:13pm

 

not feeling sorry for yourself tonight ?? ..... maybe the new guy will sell everything he owns , move in with you , and live in your world ,, help pay your bills , and deal with your exes and neighbors , .......... must be tough for you , for once in your life you cant ask your dad for money ,,,,,, hope you have , had , are having , fun tonight ... j

 

9:54pm

 

so much for not being in a party mood like you said last night ,,,, im glad you've moved on !!! ... time for me to catch up !!!!

 

11:59pm

 

this email is not ment to be or sound mean or nasty . but things hit me tonight like a sledge hammer in the head ... im glad your out having a good time and you've moved on .... i have never felt more single tonight than i have in the last 35 years . we need to close the door to our past relationship and finish the last few details of our past .. i can not go on with the threat of you not being able to afford to pay for a house thats in my name .. i dont want any money from you but i need the house out of my name , please work on getting the house refinanced as soon as possible , you dont need to make the threat of getting an attorney involved , if my name is not removed i'll be the one getting an attorney involved , i cant go forward in my life with the house being an issue , i want closure from our relationship and the house is the last issue we have to deal with , if you truly cant afford the payment please lets work something out , maybe a short sale or maybe it can be rented out , i have to make some changes in my life and i cant be worried about the payments not being made , i want my name off that house !! please .. i cant have the house used against me with threats of the payments not being made .. im serious !! i need it refinanced asap ,,, lets put this behind us and go our seperate ways for good , im already tired of looking at the 4 walls in my room , like you im ready to get out there and meet some people and move on , tonight after much thought i can see the direction i need to go in and the house needs to be delt with ,, please do not contact me about anything else besides the house issue , if you contact me with threats of the payments not being made i will have no choice but to get an attorny involved , again , this email is not ment to be mean or nasty , i hope nothing but the best for you and your new relationship , i have to put all of this behind me , please work with me the resolve the house issue so that i can be free of the past and move on also ... lets act like adults and deal with this the right way , i just want this to be over with ...

 

THEN I got 2 text messages. one at 1:00AM that read

 

Having fun on your date?????

 

and another at THREE in the morning that read

 

easy piece of ass

 

 

Why is my ex doing this??

[Itsonlyme66]

I know that this weekend was his Heather weekend. And he wanted to see me. I said i couldn't. Then his friend (best friend) actually called me and said, "he adores you. you're all I hear about." I said that's good to know, but I'm with my girlfriend right now.

 

wth. between Joe and J, my head is spinning and i want a free pass to another planet.

[truthbetold]

Well, seeing the old j texts...just further proof to me that your manpicker has been and is way off. Sorry. He's a big assclown too. And why does he do this to you? bc he thinks he can, and he's an assclown. Assclowns don't operate like normal people, they operate like, well assclowns!

 

Since you seem to be taken by the flowery words that new j "adores" you, I guess you'll give him that chance. Most, wouldn't bc "adoring" someone doesn't include a text to another woman. If you're cool with sharing (he's not off POF either so you mentioend) then whatever you make your choices. It does seem though that you like drama filled relationships, that I can't help you with.

 

Life can have enough unplanned drama with illnesses etc....I don't know why anyone would sign up for known drama, but that's me. Good luck.

[alexandria35]

Wow your ex really sounds like an ass. What were the circumstances of that break up? You say he left you. Was he cheating? You guys obviously own a house together. God the way he went on and on about it...kept repeating himself. But you probably should either sell the house or take his name off of it, just to get him out of your life for good. What a jerk. He says he's happy you've moved on then calls you an easy piece of ass. He left and your life is none of his business.

 

As for the new guy, well my opinion hasn't changed either. I'm sure it felt flattering to hear what his best friend had to say. I think it was manipulative. Giving his friend your number and having him call you to speak on his behalf. He just really needs to give you some space and stop playing games.

[truthbetold]

And one other thing I notice. Since you said twice now it was Heather's weekend and he wanted to be with you that speaks of something.

 

It really doesn't. For all you know there were never any plans to meet up with Heather that weekend. Maybe it's a family birthday, her son got sick, ex couldn't take him that weekend. The fact is you really don't know unless you talked to Heather yourself why he wasn't with her.

 

What you do know however is that he texted her the moment you were out of sight. And worse he took you to bed while knowing he's involved with someone else. That's just crap behavior that inexcusable to me.

[Itsonlyme66]

I'm okay with it. Live and learn.

 

I don't know if he will contact me again or not. I seriously doubt he will, and I can live with that. After being with joe, i have been through FAR, FAR, FAR, FAR worse than this.

 

But Joe is messing with me again.... imagine saying "easy piece of ass" because I am not responding to his messages on a Saturday night.

[2sunny]

From what I can see the exJ - sounds like drinking dialing - or emailing. Get his name off the house - whatever way you need to - so you don't have to have any further contact. He seems to think you might SEE him? You must be doing some contact that leads him to believe you would participate... YOU CAN CHANGE THAT by the way YOU participate or rather NOT participate. The fewest words send the clearest message. Maybe something like "I will get the house refinanced in MY name" or " I will sell and then our attachment will end"

 

And the new J - IF you must communicate - YOU need to be clear on what you will or won't ALLOW. You can answer most messages with a clear yes or no answer...

 

He is with Heather - that tells YOU something. It tells you are second to HER schedule.

 

IF he REALLY wanted to BE WITH YOU - he wouldn't BE with her this weekend.

 

By continuing to communicate at all- you are sending him the message that you accept being second or third... Which means when Heather isn't available to him.

[2sunny]

I'm okay with it. Live and learn.

 

I don't know if he will contact me again or not. I seriously doubt he will, and I can live with that. After being with joe, i have been through FAR, FAR, FAR, FAR worse than this.

 

But Joe is messing with me again.... imagine saying "easy piece of ass" because I am not responding to his messages on a Saturday night.

 

Find out why YOU ALLOW men to speak to you this way - it completely unacceptable!

 

A quick F OFF! would suffice!!! He must have thought he could see you for sex for the evening... But it really sounds like he wasn't clear minded - that's no excuse for his bad behavior.

 

Both men seem to act as if you have rewarded their bad behavior by continuing to participate in the past.

 

When a man treats me badly - I simply send a clear message and NEVER respond again!!! THAT is a clear message that I don't DESERVE to be treated unkindly!