my jealousy with my girlfriend is SO painful..i need .

[DavidNarn]

i have never been the jealous type with any other girlfriend before. I get so jealous with this girlfriend. heres some background info.

 

My very first high school girlfriend was beautiful... she left me for another guy. the second girlfriend i had, left me for the SAME guy.. i had 3 more sorta "things" with girls and they all went to another guy!! i can remember this girl and we liked eachother and we went to a party and she went and had sex with another guy in another room. kinda painful..

 

so now i have been dating a new BEAUTIFUL girl for about six months or so now. im starting to become a monster. im so jealous.. it eats me up inside. if a guy texts her im always on edge. i always wonder what shes doing. a guy messaged her on facebook and was like "hey ))" and she talked back.. he asked for her number she gave it to him. that was SOO painful.. i felt like puking. i was right there then later she told me she gave him her number later that night. wtf.. i wouldnt do that ****.. she told him that blah blah this is just a friendship i have a boyfriend to him but still...i know what the guy wants.. she knows what the guy wants.. but she still will talk to him. its not even a big deal but i cant help feeling like **** and feeling like shes gonna leave me any day.. BUT heres the thing...i hide my insecurities from her. i know that can push her away. i have told her a time or two that i was jealous but i didnt make a scene or get upset..

 

how do i deal with this? how do i help these nagative feelings consuming me all day every day... they EAT AT ME.. i lose sleep i get moody. i know i need to just trust her. i know she wont cheat. i know she is honest..

 

oh and one more thing. she doesnt get jealous EVER.. doesnt matter what i do. i tried.. ( not in a obvious way ) she trusts me completely and just lets things happen. she says i could go eat lunch with an ex and she wouldnt care one bit.. oh and shes been cheated on in the past by another guy. i dont understand her on this jealousy subject.. i dont know what to do.. how do i get rid of my jealousy? i love her. she loves me. this is our only issue.

[DavidNarn]

i do love her 100%

[kt66]

doesn't sound like she feels the same about you though

[lamaman3]

If she wants to cheat she will cheat and if she doesn't she won't. Either way, there is nothing you can do about it. So you can either:

 

1) Be jealous and worry about it and make yourself sick.

2) Stop worrying about it and just enjoy your time with her.

 

It sounds like you are young anyway - as you saw from your last relationships, most of them don't last forever - so you might as well enjoy them while you still have them. Life sometimes goes your way and sometimes it does not - you just have to accept that fact.

 

PS. By not being jealous, you increase her attraction for you.

[NeverDated]

i was right there then later she told me she gave him her number later that night. wtf.. i wouldnt do that ****.. she told him that blah blah this is just a friendship i have a boyfriend to him but still...i know what the guy wants.. she knows what the guy wants.. but she still will talk to him. its not even a big deal but i cant help feeling like **** and feeling like shes gonna leave me any day..

It is a big deal. You've allowed yourself to succumb to a form of gaslighting.

 

There is no place for that kind of behavior on her part if you two are in a serious relationship and claim to love each other. She is getting something from these interactions, and may even enjoy the feelings that come with making you jealous. My guess is it feeds her insecurity to have a guy chase her even though she has a boyfriend, and to have her boyfriend get worried she'll leave. Doesn't sound very emotionally healthy to me...

[pteromom]

You have to realize you have ZERO CONTROL over what she does.

 

If she is honest and trustworthy, it doesn't matter if guys are falling all over her, because she will just laugh then come home to you.

 

If she is a cheater, she's gonna cheat. It doesn't matter if you follow her to work, look through her phone, watch her every move, analyze every word she says, and spend every moment thinking about who she's watching or talking to. If she's a cheater, all she needs is a few moments, and she'll cheat.

 

So it really is about just letting go what is out of your control anyway.

 

ALSO - it's about knowing you will be ok no matter what she does, and knowing that whatever life throws at you, you'll deal with it.

 

If she cheats, you'll respond in the way that is right for you.

 

Until then, there is no reason to waste your life worrying about all the "what-if"s.

 

Instead, enjoy your time together, and give her the freedom to be who she is. There is NOTHING that is more of a turn-off than a guy who starts trying to be controlling. If you act like her Daddy, she'll eventually want to leave home to be able to be an adult.

 

All that said, I have to wonder about your "picker". The fact that you chose FIVE cheaters in a row makes me wonder what criteria you are using to choose girlfriends. Something to think about.

[DavidNarn]

Is this controlling?

[Lecturer]

I think you're going after the wrong type of women.

 

Women like your GF (and maybe your past GFs) have a peculiar sense of self-worth, and combine it with an aspect of being opportunistic. It is probably not a coincidence that they are what you consider 'beautiful'... their self-worth comes from the validation of others (men) and thus they put in effort on their appearance. That or they learned that they can leverage their appearance to garner easy self-worth in this way.

 

I've known plenty of girls like this. They WILL cheat or drop a guy in a second if they have an opportunity to win the sway of another guy which gives them a feeling of improved self-worth.

 

You need to start looking for a different type of beauty. I'm not saying that chiched 'inward beauty' garbage. The girl can still be a 10 (or a 1.. doesn't matter)... but you have to find out how she values herself. How will she respond, emotionally, when another guy pays attention to her when she's in a relationship. Will her brain flood with endorphins at the feeling that another guy finds her attractive? Will she chase that feeling by proving to him or other guys that she is attractive and they should want her?

 

The right girl has enough internal self-value that she'll respond to an approach by another man with disdain... she's happy with who she is, who she's with, and has no interest in entertaining any other random guy.

[MatthewRogers]

idk she was in a relationship for 2 years before me and never cheated. never cheated with me. but still... like i just feel like its very wrong in a relationship to do what she did.. her response was, why does it matter if im not flirting? why does it matter if hes into me? still....if some guy is being flirty asking for her number on facebook and she gives it to him.. i feel hurt and worthless.. should i?

[chucksagent]

pteromom - Your post is great and a very cogent sentiment. The logic is flawless and impossible to argue with. But where do you draw the line between THAT and what the poster said about gaslighting? I mean, when does it just simply become disrespectful/inappropriate/unnecessary behavior?

 

It's like...when I was 20, my parents TOTALLY trusted me. But I still had to be home by 2:00am because "nothing good happenss after 2am." Lol.

 

What good can come from giving your personal information to a dude who CLEARLY wants to hook up with you?

[DavidNarn]

so if a guy is flirty and hits up my girlfriend on facebook, its ok for my girlfriend to give out her number?...i wouldnt do that! i feel like that would hurt her. she says she wouldnt care if i went to lunch with my ex. she says she wants to do what makes her happy. i think she is honest but something just doesnt feel right with the situation.

 

we are so good together. she says it all the time. i know its hard to trust for me because of my past. but still like that just seems like a red flag in my head..

 

Why im IIII the one getting so jealous and dont want to lose her, why doesnt she care if i was to go eat lunch with my ex. why doesnt she obsess over me..why does it hurt me when she likes random guy's pics on facebook. i know she loves me. i tried to tell her all this and this and she said

 

"im doing what makes me happy. if im not flirting back or out cheating then why does it matter, i gave up talking to guys before with (her ex ) and it was the biggest mistake of my life after we broke up" all i had to say back was, well i would stop for you. its not just talking to other guys, its talking to guys that flirt with you and are into you and wont leave you alone. in a relationship you just dont give your number out to random guys that hit on you.

 

i dont think she flirts back but who the hell knows i dont know what goes through her head.

 

the funny thing is.. she stopped saying good morning about 2 weeks ago after saying it our WHOLE relationship every single day.

[Radu]

i have never been the jealous type with any other girlfriend before. I get so jealous with this girlfriend. heres some background info.

 

My very first high school girlfriend was beautiful... she left me for another guy. the second girlfriend i had, left me for the SAME guy.. i had 3 more sorta "things" with girls and they all went to another guy!! i can remember this girl and we liked eachother and we went to a party and she went and had sex with another guy in another room. kinda painful..

 

so now i have been dating a new BEAUTIFUL girl for about six months or so now. im starting to become a monster. im so jealous.. it eats me up inside. if a guy texts her im always on edge. i always wonder what shes doing. a guy messaged her on facebook and was like "hey ))" and she talked back.. he asked for her number she gave it to him. that was SOO painful.. i felt like puking. i was right there then later she told me she gave him her number later that night. wtf.. i wouldnt do that ****.. she told him that blah blah this is just a friendship i have a boyfriend to him but still...i know what the guy wants.. she knows what the guy wants.. but she still will talk to him. its not even a big deal but i cant help feeling like **** and feeling like shes gonna leave me any day.. BUT heres the thing...i hide my insecurities from her. i know that can push her away. i have told her a time or two that i was jealous but i didnt make a scene or get upset..

 

how do i deal with this? how do i help these nagative feelings consuming me all day every day... they EAT AT ME.. i lose sleep i get moody. i know i need to just trust her. i know she wont cheat. i know she is honest..

 

oh and one more thing. she doesnt get jealous EVER.. doesnt matter what i do. i tried.. ( not in a obvious way ) she trusts me completely and just lets things happen. she says i could go eat lunch with an ex and she wouldnt care one bit.. oh and shes been cheated on in the past by another guy. i dont understand her on this jealousy subject.. i dont know what to do.. how do i get rid of my jealousy? i love her. she loves me. this is our only issue.

 

 

I don't think she loves you. Or she loves you, and she's into swinging/open relationships.

But most likely the former.

 

It sounds like she has very poor boundaries and what she does has a negative impact on your health and wellbeing.

 

You either need to inforce some boundaries, or if that doesn't work ... end it.

 

PS: While your reaction in your description of the events sounds like it was caused by her, you do sound like you have some problems with jealousy, get some help ... find a way to let go.

Maybe adopt an attitude of 'come what may'.

 

Also, take pteromon's advice seriously, that's good stuff.

Edited May 8, 2012 by Radu

[DavidNarn]

BUT. i would GLADY stop talking to a girl that was being flirty with me and asking for my number! if she asked. hell i wouldnt even do it cause it seems wrong!!!!

[chucksagent]

Dude, you sound just like me! Lol. I really think this one comes down to a famous Chris Rock line:

 

"Men have a handicap when arguing with a woman. We men care about making sense. Do you think a woman is going to let a little thing like sense or logic mess up her argument!?!?"

 

It's the truth. I have said the same thing to girlfriends and even my current girlfriend. Some chick posts something wrong or raunchy on my FB; I am deleting both the comment AND the girl without needing to be told about it. But with women, I don't know, it's like the ENJOY the attention from it.

 

Textbook woman move: Wearing a super short skirt then getting made when men stare...Lol.Textbook. Even negative attention, apparently, indeed, is attention. Lol. So textbook.

 

And before all you women come out and say "Not all women!" Yeah, you're right, women with crappy bodies/legs don't use this tactic. They are forced to get attention the same way men are forced, growing their brain and personality! Lol.

[pteromom]

pteromom - Your post is great and a very cogent sentiment. The logic is flawless and impossible to argue with. But where do you draw the line between THAT and what the poster said about gaslighting? I mean, when does it just simply become disrespectful/inappropriate/unnecessary behavior?

 

I think that is up to the two people involved. Perhaps she IS just trying to rebel, or trying to make him jealous, or perhaps she's even interested in the guy she gave her number to.

 

It's also possible she's naive and just thought that she wanted to be this guy's friend.

 

Only she knows what she was thinking when she gave him her number.

 

And it's up to the OP to make the best judgment about her, and decide whether she's a keeper or not.

 

He is well within his rights to ask her why she did it. He's within his rights to say it bothered him.

 

BUT - trying to control what another person does never ends well.

 

And since the OP is admitting upfront that he is so jealous that it is painful, he needs to work on letting go of that desire to control. Communicate; set expectations with each other; react. But don't control.

[DavidNarn]

I think that is up to the two people involved. Perhaps she IS just trying to rebel, or trying to make him jealous, or perhaps she's even interested in the guy she gave her number to.

 

It's also possible she's naive and just thought that she wanted to be this guy's friend.

 

Only she knows what she was thinking when she gave him her number.

 

And it's up to the OP to make the best judgment about her, and decide whether she's a keeper or not.

 

He is well within his rights to ask her why she did it. He's within his rights to say it bothered him.

 

BUT - trying to control what another person does never ends well.

 

And since the OP is admitting upfront that he is so jealous that it is painful, he needs to with each other; react. But don't control.

 

best answer so far!. idk.. i just feel that i wouldnt do it. she said she wanted to just have a friend. but nobody sends a trillion smilies asking for her number to just be friends. doesnt work that way..

[mariex]

Well we could tell you so many things that justify or crucify her for what she did but it all comes down to what it is that you expect of her: what do YOU want your girlfriend to do? Of course you cannot control her or tell her what to do, but you CAN control your time and your life, and avoid wasting your time if you are not getting what you want out of your relationship.

 

I feel that the girls cheating on you previously have sort of damaged your self-esteem, and you are forgetting about yourself, you are not really valuing yourself. Yes, they may be beautiful, but what about you? Are you getting these "beautiful" girls because you yourself are handsome, or is it because you're getting them through other means (i.e., money), in which case you should expect them to make you feel like they'll just jump at the next opportunity with a guy with more money?

 

It doesn't seem that's the case because you love her, and you call her beautiful instead of "banging" but then don't think of them as that. They're not trophies. They're women that are with you for the qualities you have, be it physical or personality wise. Appreciate yourself, and if at any point you feel you are not getting what you need, then pull out.

 

For how long have you been together? Is she younger? Is she less committed to this relationship? Some guys get attached faster than the women do, so this might be why she doesn't seem jealous, but naturally she should feel some sort of genuine jealousy if you're with other women. Not because she's insecure, but even overly secure women will get jealous when they think they are not getting all of their man's attention; it's competition. The other option is that she's completely clueless, and she just doesn't see this as harmful. The third option is that she's impressionable and she might cheat on you but only you can answer this. Is she secretive or she honest and open with you? Do you think that maybe she just thinks you are as laid back as she is so she doesn't see it as cheating?

 

You also need to establish your own boundaries: the jealous threshold. How much are you willing to put up with? How much texting/talking to other people is okay? How much hanging out? At what times? At what point do you feel she crossed the line logically? My point being that you can't reasonably expect her to isolate herself for you; we all need human contact. She might even need male contact to realize why she's happy with YOU so this could even be beneficial. We need reminders once the relationship settles. So you need to know when that contact is too much to draw the line, for yourself, so that you realize when it is that you're crossing the line by being controlling.

 

I am telling you this because I have deep jealousy issues myself and sometimes it is easy to let these emotions (trust me, I know how bad they feel) rule your life. I have gotten the acidic feeling in my chest, the headaches, the hypervigilant over social networks thing, the burning anger in my body, I've done the "vengeful" actions to try to test the water (you tested her too lol), etc. It's terrible, but you need to control them if you are to cope with these things or they will destroy you and your relationships. If this doesn't work out then you need to be ready for the next relationship, and you need to set these boundaries — it is your right, not your insecurities. It is perfectly fine to set your standards as long as they're reasonable and logical.

 

In conclusion, what I think she is doing is just testing how much she can get away with. If you do not make it clear that it is not what you want then she might go all the way and go with the guy. So you need to choose whether you will tell her that you think her behavior with him is crossing the line and that you feel it is disrespectful to you/the relationship, or if you will just leave her. Right now your jealousy seems to be at 6/7 out of 10, but if you bottle this up, it will reach 10, and she will sense it which will only make her want to run away even if this is not want you want.

 

You are clearly not happy with the relationship — jealousy can overshadow just about every other feeling, or will overshadow it at one point. So you need to act in order to modify it. There are always risks to this such as speaking up and being called "controlling", pushing her to cheat through emotional reactivity (fighting the control streak), or lastly, actually getting her to mature and understand that she needs to change. The other option is staying quiet, and trying to suppress your emotions but well, jealousy is not really something you can change. Trust me, I have tried every possible way you could imagine (psychologists, exercise, meditation, etc.). Once it's there, it will stay; you just need to find someone that will respect and acknowledge the way you feel once you set your boundaries.

Edited May 10, 2012 by mariex

[DavidNarn]

Well we could tell you so many things that justify or crucify her for what she did but it all comes down to what it is that you expect of her: what do YOU want your girlfriend to do? Of course you cannot control her or tell her what to do, but you CAN control your time and your life, and avoid wasting your time if you are not getting what you want out of your relationship.

 

I feel that the girls cheating on you previously have sort of damaged your self-esteem, and you are forgetting about yourself, you are not really valuing yourself. Yes, they may be beautiful, but what about you? Are you getting these "beautiful" girls because you yourself are handsome, or is it because you're getting them through other means (i.e., money), in which case you should expect them to make you feel like they'll just jump at the next opportunity with a guy with more money?

 

It doesn't seem that's the case because you love her, and you call her beautiful instead of "banging" but then don't think of them as that. They're not trophies. They're women that are with you for the qualities you have, be it physical or personality wise. Appreciate yourself, and if at any point you feel you are not getting what you need, then pull out.

 

For how long have you been together? Is she younger? Is she less committed to this relationship? Some guys get attached faster than the women do, so this might be why she doesn't seem jealous, but naturally she should feel some sort of genuine jealousy if you're with other women. Not because she's insecure, but even overly secure women will get jealous when they think they are not getting all of their man's attention; it's competition. The other option is that she's completely clueless, and she just doesn't see this as harmful. The third option is that she's impressionable and she might cheat on you but only you can answer this. Is she secretive or she honest and open with you? Do you think that maybe she just thinks you are as laid back as she is so she doesn't see it as cheating?

 

You also need to establish your own boundaries: the jealous threshold. How much are you willing to put up with? How much texting/talking to other people is okay? How much hanging out? At what times? At what point do you feel she crossed the line logically? My point being that you can't reasonably expect her to isolate herself for you; we all need human contact. She might even need male contact to realize why she's happy with YOU so this could even be beneficial. We need reminders once the relationship settles. So you need to know when that contact is too much to draw the line, for yourself, so that you realize when it is that you're crossing the line by being controlling.

 

I am telling you this because I have deep jealousy issues myself and sometimes it is easy to let these emotions (trust me, I know how bad they feel) rule your life. I have gotten the acidic feeling in my chest, the headaches, the hypervigilant over social networks thing, the burning anger in my body, I've done the "vengeful" actions to try to test the water (you tested her too lol), etc. It's terrible, but you need to control them if you are to cope with these things or they will destroy you and your relationships. If this doesn't work out then you need to be ready for the next relationship, and you need to set these boundaries — it is your right, not your insecurities. It is perfectly fine to set your standards as long as they're reasonable and logical.

 

In conclusion, what I think she is doing is just testing how much she can get away with. If you do not make it clear that it is not what you want then she might go all the way and go with the guy. So you need to choose whether you will tell her that you think her behavior with him is crossing the line and that you feel it is disrespectful to you/the relationship, or if you will just leave her. Right now your jealousy seems to be at 6/7 out of 10, but if you bottle this up, it will reach 10, and she will sense it which will only make her want to run away even if this is not want you want.

 

You are clearly not happy with the relationship — jealousy can overshadow just about every other feeling, or will overshadow it at one point. So you need to act in order to modify it. There are always risks to this such as speaking up and being called "controlling", pushing her to cheat through emotional reactivity (fighting the control streak), or lastly, actually getting her to mature and understand that she needs to change. The other option is staying quiet, and trying to suppress your emotions but well, jealousy is not really something you can change. Trust me, I have tried every possible way you could imagine (psychologists, exercise, meditation, etc.). Once it's there, it will stay; you just need to find someone that will respect and acknowledge the way you feel once you set your boundaries.

 

 

Yes, she is two years younger than me. i mostly agree of what you are saying. i dont think she is trying to see how much she can get away with though, because i had to ask the next day who she was texting and whatdya know.. it was him. i got mad, although calm, and asked why do you need that. and as ive said before she wants friends guys or girls bottom line.

 

And i agree!! im not happy. i am sometimes and when im happy with her.oh man am i happy.. greatest feeling of my life. but yes.. 70% of it lately is consumed with jealousy and wondering what she is doing or wondering what she is texting to these other guys, if she is getting more attention from other guys and enjoying it more than me......

 

gahhhhhhhhhh idkkkk. i love her so much. i want these feelings to go away. i think its gonna tear us apart soon because its not attractive to be like this in a relationship but the feelings are so strong i cant help but show it sometimes and she hates that i feel this way. i gave up a lot for her. weed. partying. cigs. alcohol. she cant return the favor i guess. but.. i told her this but she said "i went into this relationship with you saying your done with all of that. i asked a few days later and you said idc if i talk to other guys as long as they're is no sex talk or flirting".. that IS the truth. but still...

[ohmygoshistalk]

seriously wtf is going on in this world.

 

im like sitting here and said what the F out loud

 

coming from a big city, i clubbed a lot and met a lot of people, hear a lot of stories..

 

none like these @_@

 

i tell u one ting though

 

once a guy starts getting all jealous, the more a girl will do something.

i feel its the same way for a guy the more a girl gets jealous the more he is prone to do something not good

 

 

now there is a BIG difference between seeing a girl actually do something bad, catching her on the act

OR just being generally jelly about everything

 

 

im BIG on jealousy ...i should know. its not a good thing. at ALL.

 

i suggest that u need to find someone better suited to you, someone who wouldnt make u feel insecure. what good is your love if u are in pain? it doesnt serve you.

Edited May 11, 2012 by ohmygoshistalk

[Leigh 87]

It is not respectful of her to give guys out her number

 

As you get older, you will realize there are certain " rights" and " wrongs" in relationships. Some things are just " wrong". Plain and simple.

She could very well love you, but be lacking the knowledge fo the basic relationship boundaries ( but still mean well). I was very much like this with my boyfriend, I admit. I would give a guy my number just because they asked me, and I hung out with a guy alone who I had previously had sex with...

I had NO intention of cheating on my bf. AT. ALL. I simply thought: because I have absolutely NO intention of cheating, why does it matter what I do? Just because I knew, I assumed that is all that mattered.

....na -ha. That is not how it goes!

If my boyfriend had an ex or girl he hooked up with, and he KNEW he would not cheat and therefore thought he could hang out with her whenever he wanted... I would NOT be okay with him hanging out with any girl alone, really, more than very occasionally, to catch up for lunch.

 

Giving guys her numbers, without clarifying she has a boyfriend and is only after friendship, is WRONG. It is not what a healthy, loving relationship looks like.

For starters - your relationship is not balanced; you are caring far too much about her actions regarding men and potential cheating. Where as she really does not sound like she cares at all!

If she is very attractive ( thin, nice features) a lot of guys will be in the picture - if she has good morals, and if her values are aligned with your values, she WILL respect you and stop giving out numbers to guys.

 

People on here have now way of knowing if she loves u. However, if she does love you and really want you as her b/f badly enough, she will:

 

- not do things that affect you badly ( within reason - u know, not giving out her number to guys is reasonable; not even talking to guys when they approach her, and walking the other way, is too far.. u know?)

 

- she will do it without making u feel badly about your actions....

 

I care about my boyfriend a lot, and when he told ME to stop hanging with a guy I had slept with, I did. Although I knew there was noc hance of me cheating, I cared more about my boyfriend than the other guy.

 

It does not sound like you can be happy in this relationship. Love is not enough, if your plagued on a weekly basis, with raging jealously and insecurity within your relationship.

It can be difficult to date the stunners, however if they have a truly good heart, and are mature enough to know basic relationship boundaries...they will find a guy who they are really into, and behave appropriately.

Another thought; perhaps she may very well like or love you too, but does not know propper boundaries?

 

 

 

 

You NEED to:

- discuss this with her; tell her your not the jealous type, but her behaviour is not something your cool with in a relationship ( i.e, giving out numbers to guys).

If she does not understand, tell her it is very common for non jealous pepole, to not be okay with their partner giving out numbers to the oppotite sex.

 

- If she disagrees, and decides to not change, you will need to serously consider if she is what you want..... LOve is not enough to make u happy in this relationship, if she will constantly do things that uspet you a great deal.

 

A girl needs to put her boyfriend first, if she is serious about him! It is about HIM being the priority!

[DavidNarn]

I could agree with everything here.I know this issue isn't a big deal to most other stories. But its killing me. I guess if it happens again I will tell her to either respect not giving your number out to random guys, or I'm out... then we'll see how important I am to her....

[Babolat]

First, you own this issue, not her. Do not put any of this on her, at all. Play it cool with her. Don't bring this up at all.

 

Second, you are insecure with this relationship. That is not a bad thing, but accepet it.

 

You can't continue to compare past relationships with your current one. You are assuming this girl will do what the past ones have done.

 

Focus on reality and the positives with her. Allow things to grow at a natural rate.