Am I going about this the right way?

[Insanityshorse]

So, I've been reading these forums since last Friday when I found them. This is what happened... I broke up with my GF this last Friday. We dated for a year, and to be quite honest it about as perfect as I've ever experienced and I'm 31, she is 28. The relationship had absolute trust, great communication, amazing sexual chemistry, and a lot of laughs. We also share long term goals.

 

That being said early on in the relationship she told me several times that she didn't know how to function within relationships (which always confused me). Her past relationships hurt her pretty badly. Which left her with a feeling that she should never be in a relationship. But I guess I was too good of a boyfriend. I should mention that she decided to go to a counselor a few weeks ago to work on herself so she could be a better girlfriend to me.

 

Anyway, she is in school right now pursuing a degree in Naturopathic medicine. She is stressed out like crazy, which has caused her to feel like she is a really bad girlfriend to me. I think it built up in her head and she decided the only thing that was fair was to break up with me.

 

We have not talked since the break but we have a tentative plan on this Friday to get together so that I can get my stuff out of her apartment.

 

So, suffice it to say I do not want this split. I of course have nothing to go on but her word that she just can't handle a relationship right now, but like I mentioned she is seeking help in that department.

 

SO, the question really is..... am I going about this right? No contact with her really, and just see how things play out right? I do want her back, if she can find herself.

[Gulf-Delta]

So, I've been reading these forums since last Friday when I found them. This is what happened... I broke up with my GF this last Friday. We dated for a year, and to be quite honest it about as perfect as I've ever experienced and I'm 31, she is 28. The relationship had absolute trust, great communication, amazing sexual chemistry, and a lot of laughs. We also share long term goals.

 

That being said early on in the relationship she told me several times that she didn't know how to function within relationships (which always confused me). Her past relationships hurt her pretty badly. Which left her with a feeling that she should never be in a relationship. But I guess I was too good of a boyfriend. I should mention that she decided to go to a counselor a few weeks ago to work on herself so she could be a better girlfriend to me.

 

Anyway, she is in school right now pursuing a degree in Naturopathic medicine. She is stressed out like crazy, which has caused her to feel like she is a really bad girlfriend to me. I think it built up in her head and she decided the only thing that was fair was to break up with me.

 

We have not talked since the break but we have a tentative plan on this Friday to get together so that I can get my stuff out of her apartment.

 

So, suffice it to say I do not want this split. I of course have nothing to go on but her word that she just can't handle a relationship right now, but like I mentioned she is seeking help in that department.

 

SO, the question really is..... am I going about this right? No contact with her really, and just see how things play out right? I do want her back, if she can find herself.

 

I'm on day 12 on No Contact myself.

 

It's going to be rough, and it's gonna be pain probably never felt. REALITY: She may find someone else. Sorry, it's just the way it is, you'll see it in almost every breakup case here.

 

But space is the key. Let things breathe. Relationships, be it romantic, or not, are like plants. They need space. If you put too many plants in the same pot, they don't do so good. So just give her space for a while after you get your stuff., tell her what you need to say (feelings or whatever).

 

You need usually 30-60 days of cold turkey, no contact. Most people here will say, get your stuff, delete numbers, and make her not exist to you. I don't agree with this approach, but many here do. It really depends on what the relationship was like and how the breakup was. If everything was calm and collected instead of a plate-throwing-tire-slashing scream-fest "killing her" in your mind isn't required.

 

Anyway, wait at least 30-60 days. Depending on how fast you recover, after that timeframe (which may be longer or shorter...depends on a lot of factors) you can make a decision on how to proceed IF you even want to at that point.

 

If you find yourself upset, or things seem hard, or anything like that, come here. Some people are jerks, but most are really helpful, and it helps to type/write things down.

 

My personal advice that's helped me: keep a journal. For me, a breakup journal is essential, because it's such a roller coaster and it helps to write it out.

[Insanityshorse]

Yeah the break up went totally calm and peaceful. Lots of talking and such. I've been around the block man. I don't get crazy at times like that. Yeah it hurts... but I'm not a mess. I'd be willing to bet she's hurting more actually. She ended it, feels like she's crazy for breaking up with the "best man she has ever met in her life". She just has some issues. She could potentially meet someone else, but I SERIOUSLY doubt that would happen anytime soon at all.

 

Anyhow, yeah guess I'm going about it the right way. Just wanted a little feed back I guess.

[Gulf-Delta]

Yeah the break up went totally calm and peaceful. Lots of talking and such. I've been around the block man. I don't get crazy at times like that. Yeah it hurts... but I'm not a mess. I'd be willing to bet she's hurting more actually. She ended it, feels like she's crazy for breaking up with the "best man she has ever met in her life". She just has some issues. She could potentially meet someone else, but I SERIOUSLY doubt that would happen anytime soon at all.

 

Anyhow, yeah guess I'm going about it the right way. Just wanted a little feed back I guess.

 

Well, maybe she really does just need a cool off period. Wait month or two, and based on how you feel, try talking again. At least that's how I see it.

 

Remember, this is just my personal opinion, others here give great advice too. Some of theirs may suit you better than mine.

[Insanityshorse]

So we got together briefly on Friday. She was busy with school work so we only talked for like 20 minutes. Basically nothing has changed in the situation. I sort of was hoping it would, but I guess not.

 

Here is the gist of it though. Basically she feels like between work, school, and me that nothing was getting 100% of the attention it deserved. Which I understand, but the thing that she said that sort of hurt and stuck in my mind was that all the stress she had been feeling over the last 3-4 months was gone now that we broke up. So, that's that I guess. She also said she's been focusing so much on school since the BU that she has not even really processed her feelings.

 

So I guess for now that's that. Maybe after finals and summer is here which is about a month or so away she'll be able to really think about it/us. For now though just very sporadic contact and giving her space is the only thing that I can do. Right?

[jooknow]

I completely understand what you're going through as I'm going through the exact same breakup from a 2.5 year relationship. She said, "I love you, but I need to do what's best for me right now." Part of the problem was just like yours: too much stress from work/school/relationship.

 

My take is that there is, of course, nothing that you can do about it. Someone new may come along or may not. I know my girl didn't leave to be with other guys, and it sounds like yours didn't either, but that doesn't mean that they WON'T find someone else along the way. I mean, we are broken up after all.

 

If your ex was stressed out like mine (and mine was insanely stressed), I think the best thing to do is just stand back. If they truly loved us, and I know mine did, they are going to be hurting too, whether or not they are dealing with that at the moment. They need separation to focus on the things they left us for: school.

 

The only person that can decide if they can be in a relationship is them. So yes, I would agree that the best course of action is to not pester them. I know I have talked with my ex a few times after the breakup and texted once or twice, but I got the feeling that she (and me) were both hurting too much to really have a decent conversation. At this point, I will be leaving her alone because the only person who knows when she is ready is her. That's the same advice I'd give to you.

 

Oh, also, as much as it completely sucks, you gotta move on. I don't want to. I want to wait for her forever, but that's just not healthy, and if another perfect girl drops into your lap in the meantime, you want to be able to be healthy enough to date her because you can't wait forever. Our ex's did what was best for them, we need to do what is best for us (as hard as it is to do).