What does she want!!!!!

[Manhattan]

Hi everybody, this is my first ever time on this type of site / forum, however I am looking for advice re my current position.

 

I am a 36yr old male who fell in love and married the woman of his dreams 6yrs ago, she is 43 now and still looks sensational. We have 2 fabulous kids aged 4 and 5 and appear to have a good relationship apart from the physical side.

 

My wife has always found it hard to commit as she felt that the grass is always greener and she may be missing out on something. However she says that she loved me and wanted to be married to me forever. We had a fabulous wedding and a great time together, our first child was born and my wife quickly became pregnant with our 2nd child. The first pregnancy was not long after we suffered a miscarriage prior to our wedding. So all in all it has been a lot to deal with. Not only that my business has suffered in the recession, meaning that we have had to cut back and acquire some debts in order to keep our heads above water. Financially we are now starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel, but she has asked me for a separation.

 

Her reason for this is that she feels she is missing out on something, she says that she still loves me, but does not want a physical relationship with me. I am not a bad looking bloke and am very sincere and considerate. I would much rather be giving than receiving and I have not applied any pressure on her to be physical. I am constantly rejected when trying to be close, and if I book a romantic weekend away, meal, buy sexy undies, flowers, send letters and love notes etc they are all met with the same answer no, and put in the bin.

 

I love romance and I give 100% in a relationship, I love spoiling when possible and I also leave a little bit for her to chase. For some reason this is not enough and I am confused and totally heart broken that she is willing to jeopardise our marriage and families future for the fact that their may be something better out there.

 

Also, some other points to mention are that my wife suffers from depression and is on medication for this, and had post natal depression after our 2nd child was born, she has had affairs and I actually found her in a hotel room recently waiting to meet her lover, he wasn't there and she gave me promises that it was a first meeting in private and that they had only kissed once before, the person she was meeting was 21yrs old and I am not sure if she told me the whole truth.

 

We talked openly after this and I lay my cards down on the table, and so did she. She says that she loved me and would give 100% to our marriage working. I worked hard to supporting her whilst she looked for new employment, assisted her when she wanted to go out with her girlfriends and I was happy to stay at home and look after our children.

 

I asked her out for dates and the effort made by her was minimal or none at all. I had worked on a really romantic date for weeks and had it all planned, I would send her texts throughout the week, giving her little suggestions as to our Friday evening, I bought her a day at the hair and beauty salon, so that she would feel good when going out with me and I would be on cloud 9 as she is my wife and totally gorgeous. Then, when I arrived home from work, I was met with her asleep on the sofa, she had not had her hair done and had just cancelled the appointment, she then asked to cancel the evening as she didn't feel like it. I was totally gutted, I cancelled the restaurant and the driver for the night and we sat at home with a pizza watching TV.

 

The next day was a meeting with her girlfriends and she was well up for that, she got ready and looked great, she said sorry for last night and then went out for the afternoon / evening and returned home drunk in the early hours.

 

Since then I have tried to make things work and swallow my pride and hurt, but the knock backs just keep coming. two weeks ago she lead me on and then pushed me away, followed by the immediate discussion of "we need to talk". She asked for a separation and I was totally devastated. She says that she has been thinking about it for some time and that it is not me, but her, she feels that she is missing out on something.

 

She was missing out so much, that on the day she split up with me, she went out with her girlfriends (for what she said would be a few hours), I took our children out and the next I heard from her was at 8.30 the following morning when she finally answered her mobile when in the taxi home - she was still drunk. I quickly put her to bed and took the children out for the day so that she can recover and the children do not witness her in that state.

 

She has apologised, and said that it will not happen again. But my fear is that if the children are staying with her and i'm not there to assist and protect, what wil they witness?

 

The final straw has recently surfaced, my wife is addicted to Facebook and her iphone. Whilst on one of her Facebook apps, a bloke from Canada made contact saying that she looked nice, my wife replied and they now have a full on textual / Skype affair going on behind my back. My wife thinks that I do not know about this, but it isn't difficult to see as her mobile never leaves her side, she is awake most of the night texting him when lying next to me in bed, and the history on the computer is very clear about her activities. He is much younger then her at 27 and she has already booked a flight to see him for a week in a few months time (after 3 weeks texting eachother), without asking me if I have anything planned so that I can look after the children etc...

 

I know that she is of the age of a mid life crisis etc, but she has said that she likes the chase, I have chased her and made that much effort with near 0% return, and whilst she asked for a split, she said that if we didn't she would have affairs. I just don't get it!!

 

Last night she went to bed early whilst i did some work and I could clearly hear her on the mobile having phone sex with her fantasy in Canada, as our children are in the next bedroom, I was very conscious on them being woken to her groans. I thought about going up and interrupting the moment, but as we have split up, I didn't feel that it was my place to do so.

 

I strongly believe in marriage and family. I married my wife for life and I still love her beyond words, I fancy her like mad and would do anything for my marriage to work as long as the respect for each other was there.

 

Since the split a few weeks ago we have not told family etc as our children and family has lots of birthdays until next week, meaning that we have had to be strong and not allow our issues upset birthdays etc.

 

My wife has been lovely since and wants to be best friends, go on holiday together as a family, go out on Sundays as family days, spend Christmas and birthdays together etc. As you can imagine I am totally shattered and confused as she says that she loves spending time with me, but wants to live apart so that she can have her own fun on the side.

 

I am at a total loss, I have supported her through her depression, post natal depression, going out and financially. Yet i keep getting a mighty kick between the legs when I want more.

 

If any of you can provide some advise on what could be a good way forward for us all, so that the children are protected as much as possible and we can all be happy that would be great.

 

I look forward to hearing from you and thank you in advance for your input.

[worldgonewrong]

This woman is steamrolling you, disrespecting the living hell out of your marriage & family. It's time to cut this wacko loose for your own sanity. She needs to feel the road beneath her feet.

[darkmoon]

with two children making herself single she will not have the happiness and freedom she thinks, it might feel great for a month but she will find that as a separated mother of two on the prowl she has competition from younger childless women, cute girls really, i don't think you can stop her but one day you might be with her and hear her say how silly she was

 

you might be like a guy i know in the same posiotion, lonely hurt, he went out one night and girls gave him the come-on, he loves his freedom now sees relationships as humdrum, the bright lights attracted him

[Manhattan]

Thanks for your feedback.

 

I agree with the disresepct and feel that she will have a big fall when everything around her starts to fall apart and she is a single mum.

 

The sad thing is that we still get on really well, we dont argue and if it wasn't for the physical side our relationship would be good. It just a shame that she wants every other bloke apart from her supportive and loving husband and father to our kids.

 

Wacko could be a good description of her.

[Manhattan]

Thanks for your feedback.

 

I agree life a single mum will be very different to her freedom and flexibility she has now. Where she has a supportive husband at home willing to look after the kids, clean, be a taxi if required. Life to me is about giving and sharing, I am not one to take, take, take. I thing my wife is the opposite.

 

One day who knows, she may say sorry and feel some remorse for how stupid she has been, I hope so for the kids, more than me, as they are the ones who will suffer the most.

 

Thanks

[Manhattan]

She has now posted on FB that she is going to Canada for a week in July, without telling me she has met somebody else, and we havent even told friends and family yet that we have split. I feel totally dis-resepected!!

 

Please advise how you think I should control this, be it sensibly and in a controlled manner or go in all guns blazing?

 

Thanks for your input.

[russell1968]

Drop your wife, she doesn't deserve you.

 

Focus on yourself and your kids! Life is too short! There are so many of us who have gone through what you are going through now. It will get better it's gonna take time.

[Manhattan]

Thanks Russell.

 

I agree my marriage is over, but as I am trying to be as respectful as possible for the sake of our kids etc, I was hoping for the same level in return especially as she is the one wanting all of this.

 

I am looking forward to the good times when the come.

 

Thanks.

[russell1968]

Thanks Russell.

 

I agree my marriage is over, but as I am trying to be as respectful as possible for the sake of our kids etc, I was hoping for the same level in return especially as she is the one wanting all of this.

 

I am looking forward to the good times when the come.

 

Thanks.

 

Be kind and respectfull even if she doesn't

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Reciprocate, be a role model for your kids! [/FONT][/sIZE]

[Manhattan]

Thanks Russell,

 

I agree, my sole focus now is the kids and I, and I aim to be the best dad and role model I can be.

 

Thanks

[96nole]

It's time to tell your friends and family. You need all the support you can get. You are not going to get it from that soul sucking wife or yours. You are not the one at fault. You are not the one with the problem. Your friends and family will see that. They will be a great help to you. Tell them now. Get a lawyer. Get her out of yours and your children's life ASAP. Her actions will be a danger to you and your kids.

[Manhattan]

Thanks 96nole,

 

I appreciate your comments and I am seeing a lawyer next week for some initial advice.

 

Thanks again

[Steadfast]

As is often the case, you've been more than understanding. Actually, you've been too nice. Sadly, many women mistake that for neediness.

 

This is very difficult to overcome, because males are trained from a early age to respect women. Or should be. Your wife, like my ex and many others who are physically attractive often allow the level of attention they receive to fool them into thinking they're missing out on something. Like a talented math student, the harder the test, the more fun it is to prepare for it. That's why rude, uncaring (or, in the eyes of many women, 'real') men often lure wives away from their loving husbands and families. The challenge is alluring. So is, sadly -and perhaps more importantly- the attention/admiration gained from their shallow friendship circle. But these 'friends' rarely stick around when the whole thing comes crashing down.

 

Few things entertain beautiful people like a good drama.

 

Once a woman takes her heart away, she rarely gives it back. The truth is, she probably always had it in mind to leave when she got bored, she just didn't let you in on the plan. If she had, you no doubt would have refused her. At one point, she wanted you...or what you offered...very much. I'd wager I'm right, as I've not only lived it, but seen it happen many times.

 

Divorce and move on. DO NOT back down to her or allow her to soften you on points of custody, division of property, or anything else that she has 'strong' feelings about. When the charm doesn't work, she'll turn the other way and believe me, it won't be pleasant. Just keep reminding yourself that you were lied to and used once. That is enough. She may not want you in her bed, but if you stand up for yourself, she'll respect you as a father.

 

And She Must. Do you understand? This is critical. Take your balls back. Be a man. You must for your kid's sake and for your sake. Don't wuss out.

 

I'm betting you won't lose yourself as easily in your next relationship. That would be wise. Never, ever give up who and what you are to a woman.

 

Buckle up.

[Manhattan]

Thanks Steadfast.

 

I appreciate your comments and your valued feedback.

 

It all makes sense to me.

 

Thanks.

[pteromom]

You need to do everything you can to support your children and be a great father.

 

But you need to DROP all support of HER.

 

You need to be unavailable when SHE needs you for something (to talk, to fix something for her, or whatever). Don't tell her what you are doing either - leave her wondering if you are going on a date.

 

She needs to know you won't just be hanging around like a puppy waiting for crumbs.

 

Definitely talk to an attorney. Fight for as much custody as you can get, because she doesn't sound mature enough for marriage or parenthood.

[Owl]

OK...you need to understand a couple of things.

 

1. A woman cannot love a man she cannot respect. For women, love and respect go hand in hand...they want a man that commands respect. I do not mean that you treat her harshly or anything silly like that...but what I DO mean is that you need to demand respect...and be willing to fight for it.

 

2. A woman cannot respect a man that she can treat badly, disrespectfully, or as a doormat. If she can treat you like crap (as she has), and continue to 'get away with it' without consequences...she loses respect for you. And losing respect for you means losing her love for you.

 

In other words...if you continue to treat her nicely while she treats you like doodoo...she'll fall out of love with you.

 

If you "man up", put your foot down, make it clear to her that you will NOT accept continued disrespect of you or the marriage...that's actually a step in the RIGHT direction, although it may not feel like it at the time.

 

Confront her. Tell her you know what's going on, know her plans, and you're no longer going to put up with it. Draw a "line in the sand" (as long as you're willing to stick to it)...and tell her that if she goes to Canada...don't come back.

 

If you're interested...do some looking for my old posts on the infidelity from a long time ago. My wife was in an emotional affair with someone she met on the internet...and all geared up ready to go meet and potentially live with him. I gave her the same choice...if she went...don't come back. I meant it. She knew that. It created a huge amount of mental anguish for her, because she was hoping I was going to be her "backup plan" in some fashion.

 

Tell your wife that you're going to fight for your family, and for your marriage. If she wants to keep you in her life in ANY fashion...she ends it with Canada-boy TODAY.

 

Expose the affair to her friends and family. Make it clear that you're trying to save your marriage and you're asking them to help convince her NOT to continue on with what she's been doing.

 

Let her suffer some consequences from them for her actions.

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness...but when they're exposed they rarely survive long.

 

Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair". Start reading through it.

 

Fight back. Don't be violent/angry/hateful...but do be firm/decided/strong.

 

She won't like it at first...but it's your best bet for any chance of survival of your marriage.

 

Oh...and DO proceed with contacting that lawyer, just in case.

[Manhattan]

Thanks Owl for your feedback. It all makes a lot of sense to me and lets see what the outcome is.

 

We've got some work to do now.

 

Thanks again.

[Manhattan]

Talks start today, the kids are at their grandparents, so hear goes!!

[Manhattan]

Well we had a chat yesterday once she woke up in the afternoon and kept me waiting 1.5hrs whilst she was asleep. We had agreed to meet at 2.30 due to my work commitments, 4.00 pm came and I lost my patience due to lack of respect for me and our children, so I left and she imediately woke up and asked me where I was going, I ignored all of her calls and sent a pissed off text due to lack of respect and interest in her family. Anyway when we did speak, it might have been easier talking to a brick wall as in her head she has already moved on to her fantasy 27yr old Canadian sextual lover. She has confirmed flights and booked tickets to see Enrique in Concert whilst there. All she has to do is wait 8 weeks until it all becomes a reality. Will she be able to cope another 8 weeks with very little sleep etc.

 

It just shows where me and the kids stand and as we are short of money at the moment due to past company issues, she has spent over £1000 on flights and concert tickets. She denies the affair and just calls it a penpal relationship and 'as if' she could go to Canada as she has no money. I know he doesn't have any money as she has already sent some money to him from her account to live on.

 

She completely denies any adultery and that she has had an affair in the past, even though I caught her in a hotel room waiting for her previous sextual affair to arrive (her best friends 21 yr old son).

 

She has now said that she wants a trial separation and lets see where we are in 6 months, we might be meant to be together, but only a break will tell. Obviously whilst during the break in her mind she will be shagging left, right and centre and enjoying her fantasy fun in Canada.

 

Also to make me laugh even more she is reading 2 books at the mo - 'The Wife who ran away' and 'Fifty shades of Grey' - I think that is enough said re her fantasies.

 

I would make 100% effort if I thought it was mutual, but I feel the lawyer is awaiting my arrival very soon. Adultery the cause.

 

Do you think I should hold fire and see if she gets it out of her system for the sake of the children and that I still love her? or just move on and protect the children, whilst being the best Dad I can be?

 

I thank you for your input and advice.

[Owl]

Nope, do not hold fire.

 

Did you tell her that you're not willing to sit there quietly while she insists that she's going to fly off to Canada to see another man?

 

Personally, I'd go talk with a lawyer. Get the information you need on divorce where you live. Go ahead and get whatever initial forms you need to fill out and file.

 

Bring them home, and inform your wife that you're not agreeing to a "six month let's see where we are trial seperation". If she wants to fly off and meet Canada boy...then there will be nothing for her to bother returning 'home' for. Tell her to make plans to stay there if she likes.

 

Only if this is how you truly feel, and how far you're willing to go.

 

If you can't back that up...don't do it or say it.

 

But for me...I couldn't accept the idea that she'd run off to see how things would be with someone else and expect me to be her backup plan if she decided it wasn't gonna work.

 

It's up to you...don't threaten any more than you're truly willing to do. Decide what your limit is...and make it happen.

 

Personally...I think she's checked out. I'd go ahead and start moving with the inevitable divorce, and remove her influence from your life, and take steps to protect yourself and your children from her.

[Manhattan]

Thanks for your valued advise and input.

 

The lawyer is booked for Wednesday and lets see where that takes us. The kids have got their stuff, but I have cancelled all funds to my wife for the time being as she keeps telling me she has no money but can afford calls to Canada daily, flights and concert tickets, not to mention new clothes and make up.

 

The children will be protected at all times and that is the absolute priority.

 

Wednesday it is.

 

Thanks.

[Green Light]

Do you think I should hold fire and see if she gets it out of her system for the sake of the children and that I still love her?

 

Run away fast!

[Nukem]

hi,

 

by the way, Owl has forgotten to recommend Five love languages - another very good book.

In case you reconcile.

 

In my marriage I had second chance after her affair had ended.

[Manhattan]

Hi Nukem,

 

Many thanks for your input and I will check out the book.

 

Did your marriage survive second time around once the affair ended? Are you still married and is it stronger now?

[Nukem]

Hi Nukem,

 

Many thanks for your input and I will check out the book.

 

Did your marriage survive second time around once the affair ended? Are you still married and is it stronger now?

 

Hey,

unfortunately it didn't. I am divorced. I forced the divorce because I wasn't patient. I didn't speak in her primary love languages.

When the things are so badly broken years might be needed for fixing.