So, so sick of my ex contacting me.

[coffee.girl]

Sorry guys, I'm not really expecting much feedback on this... just wanted to RANT.

 

I broke up with my ex nearly two years ago. He is still contacting me.

 

We had been together for three and a half years, but in the end I felt we had different priorities and needs and our lives were going in different directions. Ultimately I felt we were incompatible. We had been having problems/growing apart for a good 12 months before the actual breakup, which I initiated. Unfortunately it was over-the-phone as he had just moved cities (this was not the reason for the break up but probably helped 'break the camels back.')

 

He did not take it very well. We had a few lengthy conversations discussing it where I explained my position and my reasoning, and on the surface he said he understood, but I don't think he really understood my feelings at all. After that he sent me a lot of very emotional text messages and I tried to be patient but in the end I told him I was going no contact and requested he do the same.

 

Now, he keeps intermittently contacting me by text, nearly two years later. Telling me how he is, what he is doing, wanting to see me/catch up with me (he recently moved back to my city). I am SO sick of it. I don't want to catch up, I don't want to be friends, when I am done, I'm DONE. New page and all that. He just texted me then, in fact, which is what precipitated this rant. It's like the fact that I haven't responded to him for a year hasn't registered with him at all. Funnily enough it shows the same obliviousness to my feelings as he demonstrated when we were together. Urrgh.

 

Changing my number is not really an option as I use it with my work contacts.

 

I guess it's probably not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it's an annoyance and feels like an intrusion into my personal space.

 

/rant.

 

Has anyone else dealt with anything like this before?

Edited May 3, 2012 by coffee.girl

[immitable]

you sound heartless.

[coffee.girl]

I don't know, maybe I am. Personally I feel it is more heartless/selfish to engage and give the dumpee breadcrumbs of contact when I have no desire to revisit the past and rekindle the relationship.

[Philosoraptor]

Respectfully let him know you are not interested in communicating with him then wish him the best for his future.

[coffee.girl]

Thanks for your reply Philosoraptor. I guess this is what I will have to do.

 

I was trying to avoid opening any lines of communication with him (as in the past he has taken this a cue to contact me multiple times a day). But I guess clearly stating my piece would be the appropriate thing to do.

[Ajax]

you sound heartless.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to say heartless. Cold, certainly. But not necessarily heartless.

 

Nevertheless, this piqued my interest:

 

I don't want to catch up, I don't want to be friends, when I am done, I'm DONE. New page and all that.

 

I would never get involved with someone if I knew they had this attitude, knowing how likely it was to be my eventual fate. It would make me feel pretty used. But to each his/her own, and I'm not going to criticize because everyone has different perspectives.

 

As for the unwanted contact, Philosoraptor is right. He's not getting the message by ignoring him. Explain that you have no interest in talking to him. You're frustrated, but you really haven't done anything to address the issue.

[coffee.girl]

I wouldn't go so far as to say heartless. Cold, certainly.... I would never get involved with someone if I knew they had this attitude, knowing how likely it was to be my eventual fate. It would make me feel pretty used. But to each his/her own, and I'm not going to criticize because everyone has different perspectives.

 

Thanks for your input. I guess I hadn't thought of it like that.

 

To be fair though, after some of the things he said more than six months after the break up, I just don't think it would be possible to be friends in a healthy way. I am a little curious about his life but I don't want to even open that door... he doesn't seem to be able to moderate his contact, still.

 

After a certain point, do we owe our exes anything?

 

As for the unwanted contact, Philosoraptor is right. He's not getting the message by ignoring him. Explain that you have no interest in talking to him. You're frustrated, but you really haven't done anything to address the issue.

 

Yes. Completely agree.

[2sunny]

Sending a clear message of YOUR intentions is key.

 

Anytime you engage with him - he's likely to see that as a sign that MAYBE you might be interested... So just don't respond at all.

 

When you ignore him long enough - he will go away.

 

 

Consider blocking his number and email. If you can't - just pretend like he never contacted - you can click "delete" without reading his words...

 

You have choices - are you choosing to delete without reading? Are you responding at all?

 

IF you are - you are fueling the fire just by responding...

[windmask]

hmmm cold and heartless is you lol.

 

but seriously listen you broke his heart and come on three years of being together u break up over the phone how immature are you? clearly u didnt care for him as much he cared for you.

 

and yes i agree he should leave you alone because he should move on and theres no point in him hurting himself further.

 

its true you sound cold and heartless to me atleast because it seems you broke up and are forcing yourself and him to distance you and since your not getting it your way now your upset. it seems like you always get it your way.

 

but anyhows bad of him to even keep contacting you really.

 

i suggest just talking to himself like kindly and tell him that you would appreciate him not calling you anymore and he should respect that. dont get into other conversation or w.e stick to the point and be clear dont give him false hope or anything.

 

after that if you can block his number of w.e so every time he calls or w.e he would atleast show up as blocked so u dont have to pick it up..honestly if you cant even do this then you got no right to even be here and write how hes a terrible person and all.

 

hopefully atleast now you got all you wanted after ending it all..gud luck though

[Emilia]

I broke up with my ex nearly two years ago. He is still contacting me.

 

We had been together for three and a half years, but in the end I felt we had different priorities and needs and our lives were going in different directions. Ultimately I felt we were incompatible. We had been having problems/growing apart for a good 12 months before the actual breakup, which I initiated. Unfortunately it was over-the-phone as he had just moved cities (this was not the reason for the break up but probably helped 'break the camels back.')

 

[...]

 

I guess it's probably not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it's an annoyance and feels like an intrusion into my personal space.

/rant.

 

Has anyone else dealt with anything like this before?

 

You are heartless indeed. You treated him like sh** and you are complaining that he isn't getting the closure that would make your life so much easier.

 

If there is karma, you will experience this form the flipside one day.

[LasVegasGuy]

Well one thing I can say is this is indeed different than most dumpers. Most dumpers don't mind a ex calling then, infact they encourage it so they can leave breadcrumbs and false hope.

 

But you don't. Now granted you will receive some pretty harsh advice here, after all majority of everyone is her because they were also dumped by someone like you.

[coffee.girl]

Wow, I wasn't expecting to get called heartless so many times. I guess it's good to get feedback from strangers who aren't afraid to call it as they see it, friends and family members that I've confided about this to have only been supportive of my actions. Maybe they just weren't calling me out.

 

You are heartless indeed. You treated him like sh** and you are complaining that he isn't getting the closure that would make your life so much easier.

 

If there is karma, you will experience this form the flipside one day.

 

Not that it matters, but I really don't believe I treated him like **** at all. I didn't want to break up with him over the phone, I wanted to visit him but for him it was never the right time/he was always busy with his new job/ excuses excuses. When we were in the relationship he was always completely distant -- wouldn't introduce me to his friends and family, rarely went on any dates ("too busy with work") --in fact to me, it felt like a long distance relationship conducted mostly by phone even when we were in the same city.

 

His great outpouring of how much I meant to him only came after we broke up. After that experience I have learnt to place more stock on actions, rather than words.

[coffee.girl]

hmmm cold and heartless is you lol.

 

I prefer, "unsentimental".

 

Thanks for your post though, I appreciate the advice on how to approach this.

 

For the record I don't think he's a terrible person at all, I appreciate the good times we had together and what I learnt from the relationship.... I just want to leave the past in the past and for him to stop contacting me!

[coffee.girl]

Sending a clear message of YOUR intentions is key.

 

Anytime you engage with him - he's likely to see that as a sign that MAYBE you might be interested... So just don't respond at all.

 

When you ignore him long enough - he will go away.... You have choices - are you choosing to delete without reading? Are you responding at all?

 

Thanks for this, this is what I've been doing so far. I was responding for a few months, but in the end I saw that it was leading absolutely nowhere so I told him I was going no contact and haven't responded since then (about a year ago).

 

I delete most of his correspondence straight away... admittedly I do read it first though.

 

Well one thing I can say is this is indeed different than most dumpers. Most dumpers don't mind a ex calling then, infact they encourage it so they can leave breadcrumbs and false hope.

 

Yeah, this is what I was trying to avoid.

[TaraMaiden]

explain to him that really, it's doing him no service at all to be in touch with you.

you're broken up, you have been for a while, and you're moving on with your life.

you're glad to see that he seems to be too, but this constant re-establishment of contact is really not helping matters.

so, you're going to make it absolutely clear yo him: You're breaking off all and any possible contact, and you will be blocking his number on your phone.

He will not hear from you again, because life has led you in different directions.

You wish him well, but that's all there is, and goodbye.

 

Send.

block.

every possible nook, cranny or access point.

move on.

 

Done.

FWIW, I don't think - as others here seem to - that you've been cold, callous heartless or cruel.

It began, it peaked it ended.

everything does.

 

Oh, and by the way:

Karma is Action, not Consequence.

Consequence only bites you hard on the ass, if you mete out that manner of unkindness first.

Whatever the karma, there will be a result.

When?

who knows?

We all dish something out.

We all get something back.

but karma doesn't judge, condemn, vilify, hammer, bring about retribution, or give come-uppance.

Karma is as karma does.

what happens next - is up to you.

[NeverDated]

Well, I don't think you're heartless. In fact, reverse the roles and you have my boyfriend and his ex. She won't go away, yet still harps on the fact that he was the big, bad, cold-hearted bully who dumped her for no good reason.

 

You've already gotten this advice, but it bears repeating: just tell him, flat out, to leave you alone. Don't text him, call him, and lay it out as bluntly as possible. Don't tell him he's a good guy or use the words "I'm sorry" at any point. "We broke up. I have no interest in maintaining a relationship. Stop contacting me." As others have pointed out, you're already the "heartless" one here - no doubt he feels that way, too - so you really have nothing to lose.

[Ajax]

Thanks for your input. I guess I hadn't thought of it like that.

 

To be fair though, after some of the things he said more than six months after the break up, I just don't think it would be possible to be friends in a healthy way. I am a little curious about his life but I don't want to even open that door... he doesn't seem to be able to moderate his contact, still.

 

After a certain point, do we owe our exes anything?

 

 

I think it depends on circumstances. For me, I'm on good terms with most of my exes. They were good people, and while breaking up with them hurt, I still respect and like them, and I still value their presence in my life even if it's limited to only seeing them two or three times a year.

 

On the other hand, my last ex was so callous and "heartless" with my feelings when she dumped me, I haven't spoken to her in over a year and a half, and have no intention of changing that arrangement.

 

I guess when I hear the attitude like,

I don't want to catch up, I don't want to be friends, when I am done, I'm DONE. New page and all that.

what I'm really hearing is, "I've derived all conceivable benefits and value from this person, and now that I've used them up I don't want to deal with their feelings."

 

So I guess what we "owe" our exes is the dignity and respect due to someone we once shared our lives with. Again, that dignity and respect would be determined by different factors for each instance. No one size fits all.

 

It does come off as pretty selfish. And like I said, I'd never knowingly involve myself with someone who had such disregard for past relationships.

 

However... I also understand why you're frustrated. Breakups mean reestablishing boundaries. And depending on the nature of the relationship, breakup, and personalities of the parties, those boundaries do mean ending all future contact. He's clearly not seeing the boundaries you've set, so you need to be more proactive about it.

 

As for the allegations of heartlessness, I still don't buy that.

[rAFC]

I think you sound frustrated, which others have misinterpreted as being heartless. It has been 2 years since the breakup after all, you have a right to be frustrated with his continued unwanted contact!

 

I would send him a polite message telling him that you would like him to stop contacting you, remind him that it is over and the two of you will never get back together, then contact your phone company and ask them to block his number.

 

For future reference, and it sounds like you already know this, try not to break up with someone over the phone, through email, by text message, etc. If you have spent more than one date with someone, they deserve to hear the news in person. The only exception I can think of is if your soon to be ex is violent. You did have extenuating circumstances that made breaking up in person difficult, but hopefully you can understand why it may not have been the best way to handle it.

[fucpcg]

Never in my life have I ever had the feelings you describe for an ex, especially one of over a year. Maybe you should stick to ranting with your family, since they agree with you. Acorn don't fall too far from the tree anyway.

[coffee.girl]

I think you sound frustrated, which others have misinterpreted as being heartless. It has been 2 years since the breakup after all, you have a right to be frustrated with his continued unwanted contact!

 

Thank you, I feel like you have actually read my posts, rather than just grabbing on to a few things jumping to conclusions.

 

For some time now I think I have been... apprehensive? to take action on this. But I think I will call him this weekend and try to resolve this.

[coffee.girl]

I guess when I hear the attitude like, what I'm really hearing is, "I've derived all conceivable benefits and value from this person, and now that I've used them up I don't want to deal with their feelings."

 

So I guess what we "owe" our exes is the dignity and respect due to someone we once shared our lives with. Again, that dignity and respect would be determined by different factors for each instance. No one size fits all.

It does come off as pretty selfish. And like I said, I'd never knowingly involve myself with someone who had such disregard for past relationships.

 

However... I also understand why you're frustrated. Breakups mean reestablishing boundaries. And depending on the nature of the relationship, breakup, and personalities of the parties, those boundaries do mean ending all future contact. He's clearly not seeing the boundaries you've set, so you need to be more proactive about it.

 

As for the allegations of heartlessness, I still don't buy that.

 

Thank you again for your thoughts Ajax, you've definitely given me some things to think about.

 

In the past, when I have been the dumpee, I have had exes stay in my life, assure me they still cared about me etc. etc. In those situations, I felt like things just dragged out indefinitely and were infinitely more painful to deal with.

 

I thought, in the situation I have described in this thread, that a clean break would be best for both of us, and ending a relationship (that was obviously not working) decisively would afford us both some difficulty. But perhaps I swung too far the other way and it was presumptuous for me to make that call on my own.

 

As far as using people and disregarding past relationships.... definitely something to reflect on. I will have to gather my thoughts and maybe get back to you.

[coffee.girl]

Never in my life have I ever had the feelings you describe for an ex, especially one of over a year. Maybe you should stick to ranting with your family, since they agree with you. Acorn don't fall too far from the tree anyway.

 

With respect, have you ever had an ex that continued to leave messages on your phone day and night, years after your relationship had ended? I want him to move on not just for my sake, but for his as well. I thought the best way to facilitate this was to go no-contact. Maybe, maybe not.

Edited May 3, 2012 by coffee.girl

[jennisfora]

coffee, i think you have to realize that most people here are dumpees, and take that into account. i am a dumpee as well, and i want to reach out, and contact my ex so badly, but have to remind myself to respect his wishes. it is very hard to let go when you have no choice. you feel like if the person saw you at your best, maybe they would not have left, you feel this need to validate or prove your worth, saying, i am worthy of you...when in reality, it isn't about worth, or validation, but acceptance. you have to accept that there are things beyond your control, and that sometimes people leave because they aren't happy, and there isn't anything that can be done.

 

i feel bad for your ex, because i think he has not or is refusing to accept that you are gone. i think he is stuck in the bargaining stage, where he thinks if he can just convince you he is a better, improved version, he can get another shot at it.

 

i don't know what you can do, but if you have been ignoring him for a long time, and that isn't working, i would send him one message saying, respect my wishes. i do not believe in second chances, we are done. this will be my last message to you, i wish you well.

 

you cant be too nice, or he may read more into it, so unfortunately a short, to the point harsh message is the only one that could work. the only other thing i can think of, is have his number blocked, and never respond. but, i think he may be looking for closure. the phone method of breaking up may not have been enough for him to get it in his head that it is done. the closure message may help him to move on, better than no answer, since that hasn't worked, and it really should have by now. *hugs*

[Kamila]

I would just go no contact. You tried explaining him after all those years and he still didn't get it.

 

If you don't respond to his texts, he will suffer and get over you eventually (I hope so for him).

If you respond to him you'll give him false hope.

 

I don't get why people are calling you heartless.

It has been 3 years !

Come on! Let him go, and he should let you go too !

[LasVegasGuy]

right on the spot, he still hasn't lost hope for you two, he's mindless in love. I just hope this is what you want because one day he will stop chasing and like some exs maybe you would see how good it is to have a guy or girl put that much effort into being with you.

 

I had a girl chase me before, and sometimes I do look back and wish I would have let her catch me.

 

Anyways I suggest being very blunt with him. Let him know that is over and you too can never be.