Just been burned...

[trader]

I just found out this week that my wife of 22 faithful years had an affair. Actually she had two. The first, occurred with a 27 year old she met at the hospital. She is 49! The kid was visiting relatives, my wife is a RN. The second she met through a dating service, he was 43. I am 58.

 

We have been separated over the last year. She suffers from depression and is mildly bi-polar. Even though she has her own place (this is not the first time she moved out to get her head straight) we were still seeing each other right up until Feburary. We had gotten together then and later that month is when affair one took place. Once the affair started, the relationship really tanked. I couldn't talk to her at all without hostility on her part. I stopped talking altogether. I figured this might be happening, but I didn't know what to do. Talking without anything positive transpiring seemed pointless.

 

I started talking to her again last Saturday. When I called, she was no longer hostile and now wants to try to repair our marriage. She confessed her unfaithfulness and told me she broke up with the second guy.

 

All of the obvious feelings one will have apply to me at this time. She isn't a perfect person, but I never expected this to happen. Trusting her again will take me a long time. I can forgive her if I think this won't happen again.

 

We are supposed to do something together tommorow. We are not going to have sex, as she knows she has to get tested first. If this can be healed I do not want to screw it up. If this cannot be healed then what must be - must be.

 

Anyone been through or has advice for me?

[Owl]

My advice would be to set some very specific requirements from her before you'll CONSIDER trying to resume the marriage to her.

 

1. Immediate FORMAL treatment for her depression and bipolar disorder, to include agreeing to remain on all prescribed medications if required.

2. Counseling, both marital and seperate to help work out the problems and issues that have led to these seperations and subsequent affairs.

3. Complete and total transparency in order to rebuild your trust in her. This includes access to cell phones, computers, email accounts, etc...

4. Testing for STD's as required by you already.

 

I'd start with that list and add whatever else you feel needed. If she balks or refuses...do not proceed further with her.

[SomedayDig]

^^ What Owl said.

 

At this stage, you must realize that she betrayed you and thus it is up to her to do the heavy lifting if she wants true reconciliation.

[nofool4u]

I started talking to her again last Saturday. When I called, she was no longer hostile and now wants to try to repair our marriage.

 

Ya, I bet she does, at 49 she is facing getting older and not many years left to attract a companion.

 

Don't do it. This marriage is beyond repair for the simple fact that she is bi-polar. She sought out a man on a dating site and boned a kid 20 years younger than her. I wouldn't waste my time with her any longer if I were you.

 

The hard part is done, you are already separated, so keep it that way and divorce her.

 

Oh, and as far as 22 years of faithful marriage, only as far as you know. My guess is she has cheated in those 22 years.

 

 

All of the obvious feelings one will have apply to me at this time. She isn't a perfect person, but I never expected this to happen. Trusting her again will take me a long time. I can forgive her if I think this won't happen again.

 

It will happen again, unless more age on her starts to make it difficult to find a sex partner. Even if she doesn't actually cheat again, you know she has the desire to get strange. I wouldn't settle for that if I were you.

 

 

We are supposed to do something together tommorow. We are not going to have sex, as she knows she has to get tested first. If this can be healed I do not want to screw it up.

 

*sigh* Here we go with yet another betrayed person thinking if it doesn't work that they are the ones that screwed it up.

 

So you are saying you don't want to screw things up with a cheater? I'd think if for some reason you do decide to give it another go, it is HER that should not want to screw it up, not you. You are in the driver's seat now.

[bosunmate]

You have just entered a world of pain, i feel for you. Whatever you do when with your wife don't lose your temper, it only makes things worse.

Hang on because you are going to feel like your on a roller coaster.

[trader]

You have just entered a world of pain, i feel for you. Whatever you do when with your wife don't lose your temper, it only makes things worse.

Hang on because you are going to feel like your on a roller coaster.

 

This is my second marriage. The first wife, who had my children, divorced me after 13 years. I remember the pain from that one all too well. I even went to divorce recovery that time. There I learned some labels for what I was feeling, like the roller coaster.

 

Thanks for the support, guys. I really appreciate it.

[SomedayDig]

Hey, trader...we're all here. A lot of us guys and gals have been in your shoes, so you definitely have a support group. Take your time with stuff...don't rush any kind of decision. Know that she may initially not tell the full truth to you ~ known as Trickle Truth. It kind of sucks pretty bad cuz my wife, who had a 5 year affair, did that to me initially. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you deserve the truth from her, and nothing less will do at this point.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Hey, trader...we're all here. A lot of us guys and gals have been in your shoes, so you definitely have a support group. Take your time with stuff...don't rush any kind of decision. Know that she may initially not tell the full truth to you ~ known as Trickle Truth. It kind of sucks pretty bad cuz my wife, who had a 5 year affair, did that to me initially. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you deserve the truth from her, and nothing less will do at this point.

Yeah and when you eventually find out the truth...cause you are driven and will find it....she'll realize she wasn't "sparing" you any pain, only creating more pain and distrust. The only thing they spare is themselves a little discomfort in the short term. Ultimately trickle truth can do more harm than the affair did in the first place. That's why we are warning you about it. She's also got to break contact with the guys completely...that's pretty important, whatever it takes, and you may have to do some sleuthing to make sure it happens. Affair partners (AP) like to check up on each other...and that can lead to things starting back up.

[YellowShark]

I just found out this week that my wife of 22 faithful years had an affair. Actually she had two.

 

Once a cheater... not always a cheater. Twice a cheater... ALWAYS a cheater. Sure it's a cliché, but it is true.

 

ETA..

 

We had gotten together then and later that month is when affair one took place. Once the affair started, the relationship really tanked. I couldn't talk to her at all without hostility on her part. I stopped talking altogether. I figured this might be happening, but I didn't know what to do. Talking without anything positive transpiring seemed pointless.

 

That's because it *was* pointless. She was channeling all her passion and emotion at the "other guy." While you were left in the dust emotionally.

 

Trusting her again will take me a long time. I can forgive her if I think this won't happen again.

 

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

 

Edited May 3, 2012 by YellowShark

[Bellechica]

Trader, sorry you're going through this in your M. I think your W needs to be willing to go into counseling and if she wants to repair the M with you then she will need to do what you need to heal.

Have you asked her why she wants to be with you again? Do you feel she is sincere with her love for you? What are her motivations to stay in the M?

 

And as a side note.....you've come here for advice, but ultimately you will need to process everything from your own history and current situation. There can be some extremist views and candid comments made, so be strong and process everything from your life and what you need. Reading some of the things which may be posted might be painful for you and I already know you're suffering.

 

I hope you have a support network or counselor that can also assist you through this time.

[nofool4u]

Trader, sorry you're going through this in your M. I think your W needs to be willing to go into counseling and if she wants to repair the M with you then she will need to do what you need to heal.

Have you asked her why she wants to be with you again? Do you feel she is sincere with her love for you? What are her motivations to stay in the M?

 

And as a side note.....you've come here for advice, but ultimately you will need to process everything from your own history and current situation. There can be some extremist views and candid comments made, so be strong and process everything from your life and what you need. Reading some of the things which may be posted might be painful for you and I already know you're suffering.

 

 

Belle, I agree with what you said in the first paragraph. Very sound.

Edited May 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Discussion is not about Bellechica

[SomedayDig]

Trader, the main thing you need to think of when you talk to your wife is this: She just might lie and trickle truth you initially. YOU have to decide how to react to that. However, at least she actually TOLD you she had an affair. Unlike a LOT of wayward wives.

[Bellechica]

Trader, again I think you also need to figure out why she suddenly wants to work on the marriage? Did she start taking her medicine again? Did she see from the separation that the grass isn't always greener? Did she see how much she had to lose by not having you in her life?

 

What do YOU have to lose or gain if you end up divorcing?

[trader]

Trader, sorry you're going through this in your M. I think your W needs to be willing to go into counseling and if she wants to repair the M with you then she will need to do what you need to heal.

 

Have you asked her why she wants to be with you again? Do you feel she is sincere with her love for you? What are her motivations to stay in the M?

 

And as a side note.....you've come here for advice, but ultimately you will need to process everything from your own history and current situation. There can be some extremist views and candid comments made, so be strong and process everything from your life and what you need. Reading some of the things which may be posted might be painful for you and I already know you're suffering.

 

I hope you have a support network or counselor that can also assist you through this time.

 

As far as the questions go, alot of this is unanswered. She still loves me because we had a long history together and while our marriage has had ups and downs. We have been more up than down.

 

What caused the fall. 4 years ago we had positive streak for 8 years. Then my daughter (from a previous marriage) had a child out of wedlock and needed help. We let her in. That was a terrible mistake. She could be sweet or a she devil. The drama my daughter dished out over the last 3-4 years was too much for my wife, who is emotionally handicaped. It wore her down.

 

This does not excuse her actions, but it is why she needed to get alone.

[2sunny]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

Your W has so much work to do in figuring out why she chose to cheat. Until she works through HER issues - and finds out how she's never going to DO that again... There's no reason to make plans with her - for now...

 

I wouldn't see her tomorrow - or any time soon.

 

When HER behavior changes - that's when you should consider talking with her or spending time with her in front of a counselor.

 

Until she completely changes herself and begins to honor YOU and the M - consistently and over a long period of time- you need to let her do the hard work of taking a look at HERSELF - without TOU being involved in HER roller coaster of emotions that she needs to face and change.

 

It may take a while.

 

You don't need to be subjected to her pain while she does this process.

 

IF she's unwilling to DO it - the M is unlikely to heal and be repaired on a healthy level.

 

Never settle!

[SomedayDig]

This does not excuse her actions, but it is why she needed to get alone.

 

 

This right here, tells me that you understand the dynamics. How many of us wondered what WE did wrong and look for excuses for our WW's. I'm glad to read this from you, man.

[trader]

Trader, again I think you also need to figure out why she suddenly wants to work on the marriage? Did she start taking her medicine again? Did she see from the separation that the grass isn't always greener? Did she see how much she had to lose by not having you in her life?

 

What do YOU have to lose or gain if you end up divorcing?

 

She isn't medicated for the bipolar. I think it is a later development. She is medicated with Zoloft for depression. I know she still takes it, but has been able to use less now that she is alone.

 

Financially, I can handle the divorce. I am retired and do not have health insurance, so I wlll lose that. Otherwise, I can take care of myself. The only reason I want to repair this, is that I love her.

 

The two guys she dated. The one was obviously too dumb. The other guy... not sure why he wasn't good enough. Her main difficulty in leaving me is she knows I am hard to replace. Right now she is stuck in the middle. I have no idea what will happen over the next couple of weeks.

[trader]

I am getting a lot of good advice. I may not pay attention to all of it, but I take it all into consideration. Even the stuff that hurts. Hurting here and thinking the worst will prepare me for the worst. Even I don't acknowledge every poster, I am carefully considering every comment.

[Bellechica]

Trader, her being stuck in the middle isn't a good sign in my opinion. She either wants to be with you and give 100 percent to reconnecting with you or not.

 

2Sunny, I agree with you, I think his W needs to work on her own issues first, especially if she is on the fence.

Edited May 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic portions of response

[SomedayDig]

I am getting a lot of good advice. I may not pay attention to all of it, but I take it all into consideration. Even the stuff that hurts. Hurting here and thinking the worst will prepare me for the worst. Even I don't acknowledge every poster, I am carefully considering every comment.

 

If you ever saw my first thread, you just said verbatim what I did. Yes, some things might hurt and some things you just might say "that doesn't apply". And ya know what? That's okay. You choose what's right for you. I will say though, that considering every comment is sound...even if you don't agree 100% with what is said. It just might help you down the road.

[2sunny]

As far as the questions go, alot of this is unanswered. She still loves me because we had a long history together and while our marriage has had ups and downs. We have been more up than down.

 

What caused the fall. 4 years ago we had positive streak for 8 years. Then my daughter (from a previous marriage) had a child out of wedlock and needed help. We let her in. That was a terrible mistake. She could be sweet or a she devil. The drama my daughter dished out over the last 3-4 years was too much for my wife, who is emotionally handicaped. It wore her down.

 

This does not excuse her actions, but it is why she needed to get alone.

 

But she didn't "go alone"!

 

We all have stress as part of life - how we handle that stress shows a persons character - or lack of.

 

Talking things through in any M is healthy. Understanding what a healthy boundary is - for the M to stay or to BE in a good state - is critical.

 

Since her solution to stress is to go screw a few men and boys - that's never good for any M.

 

If she can determine why she did it - and change the core of her - that is when it may be worth talking to her or seeing her.

 

It wasn't an accident - two times isn't a "mistake" it's an ego feed at all costs! It's the ultimate F-U!

 

You have things to work through too - like what a healthy boundary looks like whether or not you get back together with her...

[Bellechica]

Trader, during your separation, do you think your W had truly given up on the M? Did she ever ask for a D? Were you still communicating with each other and working on the M?

[2sunny]

Many times in an affair - the cheater has a big need to feed their ego - but suffer from low self esteem. Validation comes from outside sources ( like cheating). And then that "thrill" is something the cheater has a tough time letting go of - much like a drug addicted - they get a "high" frontage affair - and they keep searching for more - by continuing to feed their ego - at the cost of hurting and hârming themselves and others.

[trader]

Trader, during your separation, do you think your W had truly given up on the M? Did she ever ask for a D? Were you still communicating with each other and working on the M?

 

Right up until the hammer dropped. I noticed she was hostile on the phone and I stopped calling and wrote letters, instead. She obviously thought she was giving up when she bed the first guy. She never asked for a divorce. She says she didn't want me to lose my health care.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed and you screwed two different women during this separation for you to get your head straight; would your wife be so forgiving and understanding as you have been? I am wondering if this was truly one of the reasons for her separation from you. She properly wanted to experiment with other guys.

 

I am sorry but it really sounds like you love her and she is looking at you as her best option right now. I think she knew that she could have sex with other men and you would forgive her anyway so there really was nothing for her to lose. You sound like a good guy who deserves a whole lot better than this.