Just been burned...

[trader]

Many times in an affair - the cheater has a big need to feed their ego - but suffer from low self esteem. Validation comes from outside sources ( like cheating). And then that "thrill" is something the cheater has a tough time letting go of - much like a drug addicted - they get a "high" frontage affair - and they keep searching for more - by continuing to feed their ego - at the cost of hurting and hârming themselves and others.

 

A repeat at this point is a game turner.

[Bellechica]

Has she given you details as to how soon the A started after the separation? Do you, Trader, believe that she wanted a separation so she could sleep with other men or was the separation a request to get out of the house, where she as the stepmom, was unable to really have input with the situation with your daughter?

[trader]

Has she given you details as to how soon the A started after the separation? Do you, Trader, believe that she wanted a separation so she could sleep with other men or was the separation a request to get out of the house, where she as the stepmom, was unable to really have input with the situation with your daughter?

 

The move out occurred 11 months ago. Up untill Feb we were intimate and she payed me money to help with household costs. No she did not move to have sex out of the marriage.

[2sunny]

Am I correct in thinking that you are willing to close your eyes to two affairs... As long as she doesn't have a third?

[2sunny]

And how can you be assured that she won't do it again "when she gets stressed?"

[Bellechica]

The move out occurred 11 months ago. Up untill Feb we were intimate and she payed me money to help with household costs.

 

Just to clarify Trader, do you mean you separated 11 months ago but that you were still intimate through this feb? She was with you sexually and the other men?

[trader]

The move out occurred 11 months ago. Up untill Feb we were intimate and she payed me money to help with household costs.

 

Just to clarify Trader, do you mean you separated 11 months ago but that you were still intimate through this feb? She was with you sexually and the other men?

 

No the other men do not overlap our imtimacy. The last time we were close was Feb all this transpired since.

[Stephanie]

Good Evening LS Members

 

We have a new member here who has come to the community wishing to discuss and receive advice about his current situation. Let's show him a warm welcome by focusing on his issues and giving him the best advice possible.

 

This thread is about Trader. No one else.

 

Thanks,

Stephanie

[Bellechica]

Trader, my apologies for my presence in your thread. I don't post in all WS threads, but I posted in yours because I think you are trying to figure out if there is a possible future with your W. I ask you questions because they are the type of questions I would hope my own H would ask. It seems to me that you do love her, more than simply for health benefits.

 

It is she, however, that should instantly know what she wants. If she loves you, she should know that it's you she should be with....

Edited May 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
deleted off topic comments

[BetrayedH]

I highly recommend you get more of an understanding of bi-polar disorder. Manic episodes are nearly uncontrollable, usually involve high risk activities, and can result in hypersexuality. One of the basic tenets is that this disorder is highly treatable with medication (lithium is the gold standard) and WILL worsen if untreated. I'm not saying to excuse her choices but this is very likely a strong factor considering that she is unmedicated.

[trader]

And how can you be assured that she won't do it again "when she gets stressed?"

 

I obviously can not be assured in the short term. My goal is to get her into counseling.

 

Good Evening LS Members

 

We have a new member here who has come to the community wishing to discuss and receive advice about his current situation. Let's show him a warm welcome by focusing on his issues and giving him the best advice possible.

 

This thread is about Trader. No one else.

 

Thanks,

Stephanie

 

 

Thank you.

 

Am I correct in thinking that you are willing to close your eyes to two affairs... As long as she doesn't have a third?

 

Close my eyes isn't how I would describe my position. However, if thier was no further occurance, yes.

[trader]

Trader, my apologies for my presence in your thread. I don't post in all WS threads, but I posted in yours because I think you are trying to figure out if there is a possible future with your W. I ask you questions because they are the type of questions I would hope my own H would ask. It seems to me that you do love her, more than simply for health benefits.

 

It is she, however, that should instantly know what she wants. If she loves you, she should know that it's you she should be with....

 

I figured you were asking your husband vicariously through me. I don't mind since the same applies for me.

Edited May 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited off topic comments in quote that were deleted from another post

[turnera]

trader, one rule: no getting together until she has gone through at least 6 months of weekly therapy and until you have talked to her therapist and said therapist has verified she has got her head on straight.

[trader]

I highly recommend you get more of an understanding of bi-polar disorder. Manic episodes are nearly uncontrollable, usually involve high risk activities, and can result in hypersexuality. One of the basic tenets is that this disorder is highly treatable with medication (lithium is the gold standard) and WILL worsen if untreated. I'm not saying to excuse her choices but this is very likely a strong factor considering that she is unmedicated.[/QUOTe]

 

You give good advice. She had one doctor diagnose her for it years ago. They tried lithium and it didn't work well. That was a rough time. Then they put her back on Zoloft, and she did well up until my daughter brought the roof down. Repeated episodes with my daughter really exasperated her condition. She is a highly functional RN now. While the BP damages her closest relationships, it hasn't affected her work.

 

I tend to think most mental illness is related. In other words, I think they are the same condition, but have varying degrees of intensity and disfunction. I have known schizophrenics, BP, and more common depression.

[trader]

trader, one rule: no getting together until she has gone through at least 6 months of weekly therapy and until you have talked to her therapist and said therapist has verified she has got her head on straight.

 

Any getting together for the time being is going to be without sex. There is no rush to move her in.

[seren]

What BetrayedH said makes a lot of sense. My SIL has late onset BiPolar and when in a high state makes some very bad decisions, mostly financial, but also has very bizarre behaviour. When your wife had her A's, was her BP under control and do you think this might be a factor? My SIL was sectioned one time and struggles when she has a flare up of her symptoms, she is taking Lithium and is to go on a new drug. TBH, I forgave my H's A, but I couldn't forgive another.

[2sunny]

I am a believer that seeing her "socially" will be rewarding her before she does her necessary work she needs to address.

 

From your perspective - I think you meeting up with her may bring you more pain and a ride again on her unstable emotional roller coaster.

 

IF she wants to see you THAT badly - id suggest telling her you'll see her after she does many months of extreme counseling and shows evidence of being emotionally stable and predictable.

 

Anything less would look like rewarding her bad behavior.

 

You want her to get motivated to get help. Giving in to HER wishes isn't going to motivate her at this point.

[trader]

I am a believer that seeing her "socially" will be rewarding her before she does her necessary work she needs to address.

 

From your perspective - I think you meeting up with her may bring you more pain and a ride again on her unstable emotional roller coaster.

 

IF she wants to see you THAT badly - id suggest telling her you'll see her after she does many months of extreme counseling and shows evidence of being emotionally stable and predictable.

 

Anything less would look like rewarding her bad behavior.

 

You want her to get motivated to get help. Giving in to HER wishes isn't going to motivate her at this point.

 

So there is pain. I already have pain. I am not afraid of pain. I don't see avoiding it does me any good. If I don't see her at all, we are stuck to communicating on the phone. Quite frankly, that has made matters worse. I realize there is a risk. The is the risk of failure and rejection. At this point, I already have that.

 

I am not going to fawn over her and whine about anything. But I am going to have my say and listen to hers and avoid arguing.

 

If she thinks that I do not care and am going my way, how does that motivate her to want to reconcile?

[Bellechica]

Trader, I think at this point she should be begging you for forgiveness. I haven't disclosed my A because I know I'll lose my H. Your W has a choice now and if you are willing to forgive her and work on the M. SHE is so lucky. Let her know that.

[2sunny]

If she's "comfortable" she's not as likely to do he work SHE needs to do. If she's uncomforta le and wants to earn your trust back - she will work hard to set things right.

 

Her being comfortable will encourage her not to change. No growth. No learning WHY she did this to you. Standing there acting like everything's just peachy by seeing her sends her a message that she doesn't need to do anything differently.

 

Tell her you two can talk after she sees a counselor every week for six months and begins to think of others more than she thinks of herself.

 

As long as she's selfish - she will cheat again.

 

There's no reason to keep trying to connect emotionally to her until she gives you change - and evidence that she's trustworthy and not gonna cheat again right away.

[trader]

2sunny,

 

I really appreciate your advice. This is my second marriage. The first, that brought me my three kids lasted 13 years. When that marriage blew up. There was nothing I could do. Plus, I did all the wrong things. I pestered. I cajoled. I blew up. Everything. In the end, when I finally realized how lucky I was to be away from it. I figured out I had done it all wrong, anyway.

 

I have no intention of making a repeat performance. But I have to go with my instinct tommorrow and see what happens. I don't think tommorrow is going to be comfortable for either of us.

 

The six month demand for counseling I agree with completely. Even no sex or co-habitation for six months. I agree. But no contact at all? How does that improve my chances. She put herself in a place where we have had minimal contact and that opened the door for adultery. Whether I like it or not, a lack of any contact made her lonely and vunerable. If do that again, for six more months, there may be no spark left to fuel the fire at all.

[2sunny]

2sunny,

 

I really appreciate your advice. This is my second marriage. The first, that brought me my three kids lasted 13 years. When that marriage blew up. There was nothing I could do. Plus, I did all the wrong things. I pestered. I cajoled. I blew up. Everything. In the end, when I finally realized how lucky I was to be away from it. I figured out I had done it all wrong, anyway.

 

I have no intention of making a repeat performance. But I have to go with my instinct tommorrow and see what happens. I don't think tommorrow is going to be comfortable for either of us.

 

The six month demand for counseling I agree with completely. Even no sex or co-habitation for six months. I agree. But no contact at all? How does that improve my chances. She put herself in a place where we have had minimal contact and that opened the door for adultery. Whether I like it or not, a lack of any contact made her lonely and vunerable. If do that again, for six more months, there may be no spark left to fuel the fire at all.

 

See, you still don't believe she can be faithful - so what's the point?

 

And has she even agreed to do intensive counseling on her own?

[trader]

See, you still don't believe she can be faithful - so what's the point?

 

And has she even agreed to do intensive counseling on her own?

 

What is there to be faithful to if there is no communication?

 

I just found out the whole baloney Monday. She works nights at the hospital Monday-most Fridays, but is off tommorrow. This is going to take some time.

[2sunny]

What is there to be faithful to if there is no communication?

 

I just found out the whole baloney Monday. She works nights at the hospital Monday-most Fridays, but is off tommorrow. This is going to take some time.

 

She can provide you evidence that she's willing to not screw other men while she's repairing the damage she caused.

 

Is she doing counseling or no? She's had 4 days this week to get to an appointment. Has she gone yet?

[trader]

She can provide you evidence that she's willing to not screw other men while she's repairing the damage she caused.

 

Is she doing counseling or no? She's had 4 days this week to get to an appointment. Has she gone yet?

 

She works from about 2 each afternoon, until midnite. After unwinding,

she is in bed about 1 or 2 AM. No, she hasn't made an appointment yet. I'll give her a chance. During the time between when she gets up and goes to work, we have been talking on the phone. This is far from where we need to be. But I can play this for awhile.

 

As far as evidence. There are some steps she needs to take I can verify. I will be monitoring them over the next week.

 

I know in the typical senario, cheating is always accompanied with lying deceit, subtrafuge, etc. But she didn't lie. She cheated and the marriage was over in her mind. Once we talked, she realized it isn't that easy. Now, we have to establish how we can go forward. From experience, I know this is tenuous. She has tremendous guilt. To come back and reconcile makes the act adultery. To move on and get the divorce and never reconcile makes the act the final plunge to make divorce inevitable.

 

In my mind all of this is just mental gymnastics. I But, in my experience, women play these ethical self-deceptions all the time. Their minds are beyond my comprehension. Can we get where we need to be? I don't know. But I will know more tommorrow.