Engaged but a girl from the past know me

[Brightlight9]

I've been engaged for a 1 year and our wedding it set up by December of this year.

 

However, there is one problem. On the last family reunion I came face-to-face with a woman from my middle and high school that probably hates me. I really gave her a hard time with my friends all the way till the 12th grade 2005 (won't go into details but did once see her go home crying).

 

I haven't told this to anymore and hopefully she doesn't reveal that. I don't really want to be reminded as ''the bitch'' from school. It turns out she became friends with my fiance's sister and several other people (I think it started when she met one of my fiance's friend at college).

 

Anyways I did said hi and tried being as polite as possible (didn't think I would see her again and honestly didn't know how to react) and she said ''Oh hi'' but I can tell her expression (didn't seem like she was too happy to see me). I wanted to say something but there were to many people that I didn't have the chance.

 

I know she's going to be in other reunions. Is there a way this can't be reveal? I don't think she has told anyone but might if she gets angry enough. I know she hates me still. I wish there was a way to take it back. If there was I would have been more mature by then and not ruin her years.

Edited May 3, 2012 by Brightlight9

[RiverRunning]

It's probably already simmering through the family that you acted irresponsibly. I could better excuse your behavior, but you did this when you were 17 or 18. As someone who was persistently bullied in school, and who had the bully attempt a Facebook friend request, I can say that an apology would have been much appreciated. I could bury the hatchet fully and stop ignoring my old bully...if she had just been direct enough to first send me an apology, THEN ask to be my friend.

 

 

But I digress. You should have pulled this girl aside when you first saw her after saying hi to apologize. She's not going to forget. If you see her again, the least you can do is apologize for what you did to her.

 

You can't run away from this one. You do have the advantage of being 7 years away from the bullying, though. I would speak honestly with your fiancee and admit that you bullied someone back when you were in school. Explain some of your motivations, if you can muster up any sincere ones ("I was insecure about myself and took it out on somebody else."). And then you need to explain how you are different NOW.

 

But that also involves going to the person you wronged and taking accountability from your actions, rather than running from them years later.

 

If you don't tell the story, she will (if she hasn't already). In some PR circles, they'd call this "stepping in front of the story." I.e., you want your version to hit everybody first. The least you can do is represent your side of what happened to the family.

 

You will not win any favors in his family or outside of it by trying to cover up your past actions.

[Brightlight9]

It's probably already simmering through the family that you acted irresponsibly. I could better excuse your behavior, but you did this when you were 17 or 18. As someone who was persistently bullied in school, and who had the bully attempt a Facebook friend request, I can say that an apology would have been much appreciated. I could bury the hatchet fully and stop ignoring my old bully...if she had just been direct enough to first send me an apology, THEN ask to be my friend.

True I was still 17 when I graduated so not really a kid anymore. I had no excuse to make her go through all that.

But I digress. You should have pulled this girl aside when you first saw her after saying hi to apologize. She's not going to forget. If you see her again, the least you can do is apologize for what you did to her.

Yes I could have done that but instead I got into a panic mode. I've been trying to really run away from this past for a long while and never thought it would actually come back to haunt me. Nope she's not going to forget it because I was the main girl who bothered her the most. Out of all the other girls, to her I was the worst of worst.

[Brightlight9]

If you don't tell the story, she will (if she hasn't already). In some PR circles, they'd call this "stepping in front of the story." I.e., you want your version to hit everybody first. The least you can do is represent your side of what happened to the family.

 

You will not win any favors in his family or outside of it by trying to cover up your past actions.

I get along very well with his family that I don't want this to really messed it up. I've been trying to be a better person since and actually give out donations to charity sometimes.

 

I'm prepare for the next reunion, since she doesn't appear on facebook (I tried that too and nothing) so I'll just be direct this time but do it in private.

[TaraMaiden]

True I was still 17 when I graduated so not really a kid anymore. I had no excuse to make her go through all that.

Yes I could have done that but instead I got into a panic mode. I've been trying to really run away from this past for a long while and never thought it would actually come back to haunt me. Nope she's not going to forget it because I was the main girl who bothered her the most. Out of all the other girls, to her I was the worst of worst.

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen, for those interested, THIS is a prime example of Karma:

 

Karma is what Brightlight9 did all those years ago.

She behaved in a cruel fashion towards this girl.

the consequence of her Karmic actions, all those years ago, is the result she sees now (Vipaka):

She's met up with this young lady - and feels guilt, remorse and shame for what she put her through.

 

Brightlight9, well done for admitting to your actions,and well done for wishing to put things straight.

I think the most sensible thing would be to apologise, profusely, tell her you were an idiot, and you're aware of how much you hurt her, that it was a cruel and nasty thing to do, and it was the stupidity of youth, coupled with the company of other idiots finding strength in numbers.

you're truly sorry, and hope she can forgive you.

 

The rest - is up to her.

If she chooses to forgive you, wonderful.

If she chooses to not forgive you - well, that's her problem.

 

It is as 'blessed' to be able to forgive, as it is to seek forgiveness through genuine remorse.

but do speak to her, or this will fester and eat at you for ages.

And you neither want - nor need - that, right now.

[RiverRunning]

Yeah, I'd just pull her aside. "Allison, can I talk to you for a moment?"

 

If you go in there and bull**** her for appearances, though, she's going to know it. I get the impression that some of the treatment you gave her bothered you, regardless of the fact that your fiancee's family may now know about it.

 

I'd keep it simple, something like:

 

"Allison, what I did to you when we were in high school is inexcusable. I owe you an apology. I am very sorry for the cruel treatment that I put you through. I wanted you to know that I was very wrong and you didn't deserve the treatment that you were given. I just wanted you to know that."

 

If it were me, I would also come clean to my fiancee. His opinion is the one that matters most. Granted, while it would temporarily color my opinion of a boyfriend or girlfriend if he/she admitted to bullying someone, that would fade quickly from my current impressions of my significant other. If they're a good person now, that's what matters.

 

Don't ask her for forgiveness. You say your piece and move on. Whether or not she forgives you is her business - the apology is for her benefit, not yours. I wouldn't try to explain away to her why you teased her, as that just comes off as insincere.

[Brightlight9]

I finally got the chance to talk to her a couple days ago, yes she was there again on the reunion. To be honest I was really prepare for the worst and a hateful speech from her or being ignored. I didn't really think an apology would have worked. I didn't think she would forgive me at all but she did; she said thanks.

 

Then we were talking for a long while and said she hasn't told anyone about it. It turns out the reason I couldn't find her on facebook before is because she had blocked me on the part where it says ''People you may know'', changed her name and set her profile to private. Wow can't believe I made her do all that because of the horrible me back then. :( But I went through some stuff the following year or so after graduation (my father got ill but he recovered afterwards, a past ex not only cheated on me but his parents hated me and treated me horrible esp the mother, got a ticket for speeding, broke my arm in an accident, etc). It has been a really bad year for me then.

 

Afterwards I noticed she was on facebook, requested her and accepted me.

[Brightlight9]

The rest - is up to her.

If she chooses to forgive you, wonderful.

If she chooses to not forgive you - well, that's her problem.

It worked out. She forgave me. I never really thought she would.