2 weeks NC...getting worse...

[Gulf-Delta]

This is improvement. You are working through emotions, feelings and memories. Like everything in life, it gets worse before it gets better. You need to expect at least two months of bad. For some people, it lasts longer. But it is normal, and necessary, and the NC lets you get it out of the way efficiently. It would be impossible to really deal with your break-up if you were still in contact with her.

 

Efficiently? At what cost? I'm wrecking havoc on my mental state and probably developing ulcers because of this bottling up ****.

 

At least when we were friends, I was happy. No I have no happiness at all.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Efficiently? At what cost? I'm wrecking havoc on my mental state and probably developing ulcers because of this bottling up ****.

 

At least when we were friends, I was happy. No I have no happiness at all.

 

your happiness is not your ex's responsibility. It has to come from within. It takes months for some, because sufficient time has passed where the initial sadness wears off and it may turn into anger over the situation. Right now you are in the throes of heartbreak and are grasping at straws, hoping she throws you breadcrumbs. NC is designed for us to be able to move on from the hurt.Two weeks is not enough time to process all the hurt you are dealing with but you are making process each day. Every day is one day closer to inner peace.

[Gulf-Delta]

your happiness is not your ex's responsibility. It has to come from within. It takes months for some, because sufficient time has passed where the initial sadness wears off and it may turn into anger over the situation. Right now you are in the throes of heartbreak and are grasping at straws, hoping she throws you breadcrumbs. NC is designed for us to be able to move on from the hurt.Two weeks is not enough time to process all the hurt you are dealing with but you are making process each day. Every day is one day closer to inner peace.

 

I just don't know what to feel anymore. Do I hate her? Do I still love her? Am I optimistic, or pessimistic? Should I fight for her? Should I give up? Do I even want her back? Do I hold a grudge or do I forgive her? My head cannot agree with itself.

 

It's so hard because I'm getting SO MANY different opinions about how to feel. My friends and family think she just needs time to "miss me"...."In a month or two, she'll relize she messed up and come back." "Don't give up on her". Various internet sources I've research have said the same.

 

You guys, and even more internet sources say sh'e gone for good, live with it.

 

You guys are are saying "just feel what you feel" but I don't even know what I feel. It literally changes every minute. One minute I'm angry, the next, I'm in love with her again.

[NeverDated]

Efficiently? At what cost? I'm wrecking havoc on my mental state and probably developing ulcers because of this bottling up ****.

 

At least when we were friends, I was happy. No I have no happiness at all.

Well, why are you bottling it up? Cry, scream, punch something (preferably something meant to be punched), go for a jog. Do something other than sit around and obsess over what was and what could have been.

 

Remember that acceptance is the end goal. You have four stages to run through before you get there. You cannot skip any and you cannot rush it, you just have to take it as it comes.

[Gulf-Delta]

Well, why are you bottling it up? Cry, scream, punch something (preferably something meant to be punched), go for a jog. Do something other than sit around and obsess over what was and what could have been.

 

Remember that acceptance is the end goal. You have four stages to run through before you get there. You cannot skip any and you cannot rush it, you just have to take it as it comes.

 

I have no place to vent it. I've punched walls (no damage done though). I tried walking. I've tried going out with friends. I've tried playing music (my hobby). Nothing works. They're all temporary distractions, and some of them actually end up remind me of her/making me want to see her/miss her even more.

 

The only thing I can ever admit to my self when I do have an up day (or hour or minute) is that I still love her and she'll come back. The only times I'm ever happy is when I remember after the breakup that she loved me. Or she "Had faith in the future". Or her begging me to not leave when I went NC (sounds twisted yes).

Edited May 5, 2012 by Gulf-Delta

[NeverDated]

I have no place to vent it. I've punched walls (no damage done though). I tried walking. I've tried going out with friends. I've tried playing music (my hobby). Nothing works. They're all temporary distractions, and some of them actually end up remind me of her/making me want to see her/miss her even more.

 

The only thing I can ever admit to my self when I do have an up day (or hour or minute) is that I still love her and she'll come back. The only times I'm ever happy is when I remember after the breakup that she loved me. Or she "Had faith in the future". Or her begging me to not leave when I went NC (sounds twisted yes).

That was awful and cruel on her part. She was attempting to ease the blow, but having those words in your mind are making it impossible to let her go. My ex-husband said similar things to me before our first separation, so I know exactly what you are going through.

 

I'll give some advice that you shouldn't follow until others give some feedback. This is just what worked for me, to cope with my marriage ending, so it may not be beneficial or healthy for you.

 

Arrange a meeting anywhere that is neutral (at the time, for us it was a train station parking lot). Ask her, point blank, if she in any way feels you two can get back together. If the answer is no, ask her to rescind her previous statements. You need to hear that it is over bluntly, in no uncertain terms, with no caveats for the future. If you get that, you go entirely NC - no friendship, no catching up, no occasional emails/calls. You may even need to cut ties with mutual friends for a period while you recover.

 

If she says she feels you may get back together, tell her you want to work to fix it now. Explain that you have taken your time apart and realized you want the relationship to work, so if she does as well, you both need to be fully on board with giving it another try. If she refuses, ask her why. More than likely, she will say she isn't "ready", in which case she's simply trying to shield you from bluntly ending it. Push her to do so.

 

There are only two ways this conversation can end - either you reconcile and commit to fixing the relationship, or you are very obviously done. It cannot end any other way.

 

It is extremely important, should you have this conversation, that everything is laid out and you have solid resolution in either direction. It will hurt because you will be opening yourself up fully and exposing everything. Don't hold anything back for fear of rejection or looking like a fool. It is unbelievably important for your mental health and future relationships that every avenue is exhausted.

 

What you are experiencing right now is a kind of pre-mourning, wherein you try to emotionally prepare yourself for the worst but are hoping to hear the best. Think of a hypothetical where a loved one is dying in the hospital - you are preparing yourself to hear of their death, but hold out hope each and every day that they will miraculously recover. Right now, for your relationship, you either need that miraculous recovery or the death. Until you get one of those, you'll be stuck exactly where you are.

[Gulf-Delta]

That was awful and cruel on her part. She was attempting to ease the blow, but having those words in your mind are making it impossible to let her go. My ex-husband said similar things to me before our first separation, so I know exactly what you are going through.

 

I'll give some advice that you shouldn't follow until others give some feedback. This is just what worked for me, to cope with my marriage ending, so it may not be beneficial or healthy for you.

 

Arrange a meeting anywhere that is neutral (at the time, for us it was a train station parking lot). Ask her, point blank, if she in any way feels you two can get back together. If the answer is no, ask her to rescind her previous statements. You need to hear that it is over bluntly, in no uncertain terms, with no caveats for the future. If you get that, you go entirely NC - no friendship, no catching up, no occasional emails/calls. You may even need to cut ties with mutual friends for a period while you recover.

 

If she says she feels you may get back together, tell her you want to work to fix it now. Explain that you have taken your time apart and realized you want the relationship to work, so if she does as well, you both need to be fully on board with giving it another try. If she refuses, ask her why. More than likely, she will say she isn't "ready", in which case she's simply trying to shield you from bluntly ending it. Push her to do so.

 

There are only two ways this conversation can end - either you reconcile and commit to fixing the relationship, or you are very obviously done. It cannot end any other way.

 

It is extremely important, should you have this conversation, that everything is laid out and you have solid resolution in either direction. It will hurt because you will be opening yourself up fully and exposing everything. Don't hold anything back for fear of rejection or looking like a fool. It is unbelievably important for your mental health and future relationships that every avenue is exhausted.

 

What you are experiencing right now is a kind of pre-mourning, wherein you try to emotionally prepare yourself for the worst but are hoping to hear the best. Think of a hypothetical where a loved one is dying in the hospital - you are preparing yourself to hear of their death, but hold out hope each and every day that they will miraculously recover. Right now, for your relationship, you either need that miraculous recovery or the death. Until you get one of those, you'll be stuck exactly where you are.

 

It wasn't cruel. It was in the heat of the moment at the time. I asked if she ever sawe us getting back together...she said she didn't know. I said did she want/think it was going to happen one day. She said yes. Though this was a long time ago...probably doesn't think so anymore.

 

I like your advice. And it's something I plan on doing someday, but am gonna stick to NC for a couple more weeks I think. I think she's with someone else right now and I need more time before I can face her.

 

On the day I went NC, I asked her if she loved me. She said she didn't know.

 

So yeah..

[xenomorph]

when they say things like "i don't know" or anything wishy washy in no clear terms (or they do say things in clear terms, then flip flop back to wishy washy), it means that they do not know what they want in life, and are desperate to figure it out.

 

They don't know if what they want is this overwhelming desire to leave, and they don't know if they want to tell you "it's over and done" because they're scared of not having something to fall back on. It's an unhealthy state of mind to be in, and you don't want to be anywhere near that.

 

It's so hard... i know. I'm heading into my first month of NC and i feel that every few days it's two steps forward, one step back. My goal is to get back to where I was, not to get him back into my life. (Can't even fathom the latter without the former!)

 

What has helped me during this difficult gray-area period, this fog, is thinking of this time as a "vacation" from all the relationship madness. It really IS a vacation. Your partner is off in La-La Land and now you have all this time and space to do whatever you want. Remember what it was like to be greedy with your time. It's easier said than done right now, but you must force yourself to do things that you know you used to enjoy on your own. If they made you happy before, they'll make you happy now, even if it's a little dull at the moment.

 

They say it's a good idea to spend time with friends and family, but I also think it's very important to go out and do things alone. Play a character of yourself and recreate the world as you walk down its streets.

 

I am no where near fully healed, but the progress i've made after the first few difficult weeks inspired me to push NC for another month (I also gave myself a month-goal at the beginning). I've even been thinking things like 'I need a year!' and 'i'd rather start fresh that try and fix an old broken house!'

 

I never would have imagined myself thinking those things just two months ago, but here I am, and you will too.

 

 

And it's okay to think about the relationship, but as objectively as you can. Think about what went wrong, what was right, what hurt, what was inspiring, and what you would like out of a new relationship. These thoughts are the elements to a new recipe, a new blueprint for what you want out of a relationship.

 

 

 

 

think of this way: your former partner decided to be greedy and focus only on themselves. Well, during the healing period of NC, you should to!!

 

So let's party, even if it feels weird

[Gulf-Delta]

when they say things like "i don't know" or anything wishy washy in no clear terms (or they do say things in clear terms, then flip flop back to wishy washy), it means that they do not know what they want in life, and are desperate to figure it out.

 

They don't know if what they want is this overwhelming desire to leave, and they don't know if they want to tell you "it's over and done" because they're scared of not having something to fall back on. It's an unhealthy state of mind to be in, and you don't want to be anywhere near that.

 

It's so hard... i know. I'm heading into my first month of NC and i feel that every few days it's two steps forward, one step back. My goal is to get back to where I was, not to get him back into my life. (Can't even fathom the latter without the former!)

 

What has helped me during this difficult gray-area period, this fog, is thinking of this time as a "vacation" from all the relationship madness. It really IS a vacation. Your partner is off in La-La Land and now you have all this time and space to do whatever you want. Remember what it was like to be greedy with your time. It's easier said than done right now, but you must force yourself to do things that you know you used to enjoy on your own. If they made you happy before, they'll make you happy now, even if it's a little dull at the moment.

 

They say it's a good idea to spend time with friends and family, but I also think it's very important to go out and do things alone. Play a character of yourself and recreate the world as you walk down its streets.

 

I am no where near fully healed, but the progress i've made after the first few difficult weeks inspired me to push NC for another month (I also gave myself a month-goal at the beginning). I've even been thinking things like 'I need a year!' and 'i'd rather start fresh that try and fix an old broken house!'

 

I never would have imagined myself thinking those things just two months ago, but here I am, and you will too.

 

 

And it's okay to think about the relationship, but as objectively as you can. Think about what went wrong, what was right, what hurt, what was inspiring, and what you would like out of a new relationship. These thoughts are the elements to a new recipe, a new blueprint for what you want out of a relationship.

 

 

 

 

think of this way: your former partner decided to be greedy and focus only on themselves. Well, during the healing period of NC, you should to!!

 

So let's party, even if it feels weird

 

Yea, I know she's confused. I know she's being greedy. She knows it too. She told me she knows it's selfish, that's why she left. She had no intention of breaking up with me until she saw how badly her behavior was hurting me.

 

I just don't know ow to deal. Like I've posted elsewhere, after everything we've been through, I can't help but to hold on to hope that she'll come back. I can't but have a mindset of "If I love her, I can forgive her" and stuff. I'm still so confused.

 

I'm so tempted to text her, even right now. We've been broken up for 3 months, and I'm 15 days NC and I can't fall out of love with her because there'sa tiny fragment of me telling me this is all just a speedbump that will make us stronger one day and I shouldn't give up hope.

 

I wish it was as easy as saying "**** her, she broke my heart, she's dead to me" but I just can't bring myself to think of her like that because I still love her and care deeply for her.

Edited May 5, 2012 by Gulf-Delta

[nanbullen]

Nah, I don't buy into that. I was a different person when I met her. We changed each others lives for the better.

 

I want to be friends with my ex someday the same reason I'm friends with anyone. Because I enjoy their company, they're fun to be around. As for rekindling, I've more or less accepted that that's not something that can happen. The trust is too broken, so I don't even think I want that to happen. But like all of my friends I've had silly arguments with, I've eventually forgiven them, and move on in my relationship with them.

 

But if it was, say, a guy friend who was fun to be around and you enjoyed their company, for whatever reason didn't want to be friends with you, would you be this upset? That's why I think it's too complicated to be friends with an ex that you still have feelings for. If she told you she wanted to be friends and one day started coming by with a new boyfriend would you be upset? Or would you be happy for her, like you would for any other friend?

 

I know the feeling, you just want to "keep your foot in the door" and any contact is better that none, because you still have that person "near" you, and it's so hard to imagine a life without them somehow in it. I feel the same way. But maybe because I'm a lot older than you, not wiser... I've just existed longer you could say; but I know that no matter how horrible something seems, no matter how catastrophic....eventually, with time, the pain fades, and the memories don't hurt. This is just how our brains work. Maybe it's a coping mechanism to ensure survival of the species, I don't know. This doesn't help at all right now. But what you need to do is just concentrate on the present and not worry about the future without her....because in the future she won't be as important to you as you think she'll be.

 

What I am trying to say is even if you got your wish and you became friends, but that was ALL you would ever be, I think it would make it harder to move on, not easier. Just my opinion though!

[Gulf-Delta]

But if it was, say, a guy friend who was fun to be around and you enjoyed their company, for whatever reason didn't want to be friends with you, would you be this upset? That's why I think it's too complicated to be friends with an ex that you still have feelings for. If she told you she wanted to be friends and one day started coming by with a new boyfriend would you be upset? Or would you be happy for her, like you would for any other friend?

 

I know the feeling, you just want to "keep your foot in the door" and any contact is better that none, because you still have that person "near" you, and it's so hard to imagine a life without them somehow in it. I feel the same way. But maybe because I'm a lot older than you, not wiser... I've just existed longer you could say; but I know that no matter how horrible something seems, no matter how catastrophic....eventually, with time, the pain fades, and the memories don't hurt. This is just how our brains work. Maybe it's a coping mechanism to ensure survival of the species, I don't know. This doesn't help at all right now. But what you need to do is just concentrate on the present and not worry about the future without her....because in the future she won't be as important to you as you think she'll be.

 

What I am trying to say is even if you got your wish and you became friends, but that was ALL you would ever be, I think it would make it harder to move on, not easier. Just my opinion though!

 

I know what you're saying. But giving up on her is something so out of character for me. Letting her go, hating her, thinking she's never coming back. etc. I'm not that kind of person.

 

I'm a forgiving person who's always been pretty optimistic when it comes to relationships...I can't help it.

[zerovandez]

Do you think that she'll be the same person if she comes back to you? Do you think you will be the same? Will you both be accpeting the new "you's." And the relationship, will it be the same?

 

If you think that everything will be the same then you have lost your mind. Now ask yourself this, Am I willing to go through it all again? I hope not. And trust me, I've been through it with the same ex...3 times. She changed, and I didn't so there's a disconnection right off the start which will ultimately lead to failure. Understand why the breakup happened and what you need to do to become a better person for a future realtionship, not with her.

 

I'm not sure why you want to stay friends with her. I'm letting go of my ex. I was with her for 10 years. Sure it's hard but it's about me and me moving forward, even if that means letting her go forever...

[nanbullen]

I know what you're saying. But giving up on her is something so out of character for me. Letting her go, hating her, thinking she's never coming back. etc. I'm not that kind of person.

 

I'm a forgiving person who's always been pretty optimistic when it comes to relationships...I can't help it.

 

I don't mean you should give up on her. I don't think you can give up on her. I'm saying, one day, in spite of yourself, you'll meet somebody else when you least expect it. You don't have to let her go or hate her. You may very well love her forever...but you won't be in love with her forever.

[Tree_Salmon]

I wasn't the best before I met my ex. I can truly say she made me a better person. I don't want to regress to the version of myself before I met her. I was lonely, sad, and very pessimistic.

 

I'm just left with so many unanswered questions about the breakup and why things happened the way they did, plus eventually I do wanna be friends (legitimately) and that was the whole reason I went NC. So we could still be around each other without the feelings.

 

I guess it's for those reasons I constantly think about her and reminisce.

 

Many people feel that way. I felt that way also. The important thing (and believe me im doing this right now too) is to stay that "better person". It's not that she made you a better person she just helped you find that within yourself. So you ARE capable of this on your own too.

 

I know it all sounds like horse crap because the pain is so unbearable at times. And I can tell you a million great things about my ex that I'm afraid I'll never find again in a person but what can i do? This is the way of things.