Feeling ashamed/embarassed of my husband

[pink_sugar]

I've been thinking quite awhile and I feel sad to say that I must feel ashamed of my husband. It's the conclusion I've drawn when I've felt embarrassed to hold his hand or show affection to him in front of our relatives. It doesn't help that his family never really had high expectations for him and I feel like that concept is bringing me down as well. His friends are jokesters, but they kind of joke down on him. For his laziness, forgetfulness and so on. His family is full of college graduates and they obviously favored his brother to not work while he went to school while they discouraged him from going back to college and told him he should just work. That's not the case now as we'll have bachelor degrees next year, but I've also had several issues with his family because of this because it bothered me how they treated him. His parents treated him like a doormat. Mother/stepfather. And the stepfather has never liked me for no apparent reason. Coming from a traumatic childhood, I always hoped for loving and accepting inlaws and it bothers me my husband doesn't really have any close relatives who will do anything for him. In a way, I feel sorry for him, because I knew what that was like at one point. I've made up for it by surrounding myself with other family and friends who love and support me, but it doesn't seem like he really has anyone. It doesn't bother him because he says "he has me" but I've really been encouraging him to have other close relationships, because sometimes just having your partner isn't enough. I've also been brought down by our money situation. Out of five years, he's held a job about 1 1/2 out of 5 years. He wasn't fired from any jobs, but laid off and I'm sure it wasn't his fault for any of them, but he's still looking for a job and it seems like there is no luck. Sometimes I almost regret getting married, because this was not something I signed up for. Even with a two year degree, it doesn't seem like he can find stable work. What's worse is that most of his relatives seem to favor his brother and sister in law as a couple since they are both very attractive and have always had jobs and gotten good grades. I've been feeling a lot of envy, because I've been the one holding down jobs, trying to better myself and etc and people look down on him, so I feel like they are looking down on us. I would give anything to have inlaws love and accept me, rather than have our families not favor our relationship.

[anne1707]

Whilst it does sound as if your H may need to up his game, I do have to ask. Did you marry your H or did you marry the in-laws? Who is more important to you? Him or them?

[pink_sugar]

Good point, Anne. I married him, NOT the inlaws. I know he cannot choose whom he was born to, but some people have that saying that goes "once you marry them, you marry the family." I think it can be true in some circumstances, such as close knit families, but not all families are close.

[pteromom]

You are placing too much importance on what his relatives think of your relationship. Why does this matter to you?

 

How would your life be different if you didn't feel people were looking down on you?

 

If you like yourself, it does not matter what other people think. Also, what your husband says/does has no reflection on YOU. He is an adult and is responsible for his own life.

 

His employment IS a big deal, as that affects you directly. Have you done anything to help him find a job? Maybe put his resume on some career sites and have search results sent to his email? I know his employment isn't your responsibility either, but anything you can do to help would up the odds of him finding a good job.

 

What I get from your post is your own insecurity.

 

Take this comment:

 

I would give anything to have inlaws love and accept me

 

YOU are responsible for your relationship with your inlaws. Could you set up a dinner party at your house? Invite your mother-in-law for a day at the mall? Ask her to show her how to make your husband's favorite childhood dish? Host the next family birthday party? What can YOU do to build a better relationship with them? It's up to you - not your husband - to do that.

[anne1707]

You and your H are a family now - you two are at the centre of that with your's and your H's family around you (for good or bad - as I know with my in-laws ). Instead of focussing on your in-laws, focus on your H and your relationship together. How can you two make it work together?

[pink_sugar]

Take this comment:

 

I would give anything to have inlaws love and accept me

 

YOU are responsible for your relationship with your inlaws. Could you set up a dinner party at your house? Invite your mother-in-law for a day at the mall? Ask her to show her how to make your husband's favorite childhood dish? Host the next family birthday party? What can YOU do to build a better relationship with them? It's up to you - not your husband - to do that.

 

Yeah, I think a lot of it has to do with my own insecurity because of my own family. The desire to feel loved and accepted is strong.

 

The issue with his mother and stepfather is that they always looped us together. Whenever they were mad at him, they blamed me. For example, early on in the relationship, they thought our being together is why he was getting lazy on doing his chores while he lived at home. She sent an email saying how disappointed she was IN US. I always got part of the blame when she was mad at him. His stepfather has never cared for our relationship in general. I don't know what I ever did to the guy, but he was like that since we've been together. My husband said he was never really close to his stepfather and never really trusted him and I've noticed that his stepfather doesn't care for anything that my H associates with, even his biological father's family. I've just chalked it up to the fact that sometimes you just cannot please everyone or make everyone like you.I tried with his parents for a long time and they would get offended over every little thing we said or did. Another thing is his stepfather is very controlling over his mom, so she's hardly a part of my H's life. She also was never really "motherly". She didn't raise him until he was a teenager.

[pteromom]

Yeah, I think a lot of it has to do with my own insecurity because of my own family. The desire to feel loved and accepted is strong.

 

The issue with his mother and stepfather is that they always looped us together. Whenever they were mad at him, they blamed me. For example, early on in the relationship, they thought our being together is why he was getting lazy on doing his chores while he lived at home. She sent an email saying how disappointed she was IN US. I always got part of the blame when she was mad at him. His stepfather has never cared for our relationship in general. I don't know what I ever did to the guy, but he was like that since we've been together. My husband said he was never really close to his stepfather and never really trusted him and I've noticed that his stepfather doesn't care for anything that my H associates with, even his biological father's family. I've just chalked it up to the fact that sometimes you just cannot please everyone or make everyone like you.I tried with his parents for a long time and they would get offended over every little thing we said or did. Another thing is his stepfather is very controlling over his mom, so she's hardly a part of my H's life. She also was never really "motherly". She didn't raise him until he was a teenager.

 

Hmmm... well, it sounds like you aren't missing much by not being closer to them.

 

But just because someone blames you for what your husband does, does not mean you must accept that blame or take on any guilt for it. Blaming YOU for your husband's choices is THEIR problem, not yours.

[anne1707]

Hmmm... well, it sounds like you aren't missing much by not being closer to them.

 

But just because someone blames you for what your husband does, does not mean you must accept that blame or take on any guilt for it. Blaming YOU for your husband's choices is THEIR problem, not yours.

 

Totally agree

 

One of my in-laws had issues with me - not that she would tell me to my face (she actually never spoke to me for the first year I was with my H, totally ignored me when I was in the room ) but she would just gossip maliciously. When I found out, what was being said it was an outright lie which pi$$ed me off. However I also saw it as showing their insecurity and lack of confidence. They felt intimidated by me because I had a career and didn't get pregnant when I was 17.

 

It was not her opinion of me that mattered, it was my husband's.

[pink_sugar]

I have other inlaws like that as well! LOL! However these ones would totally kiss my a** and then talk crap behind my back.

[analystfromhell]

Seems like we all have similar observations about your situation- it definitely sounds like your marriage and self-confidence might benefit from as much distance as can be had from his family. What do either of you have to gain from continuing to be around them?

 

As far as shame goes- I would ask to show your husband's the same empathy you feel for him in other areas. Do you feel he is ashamed of you for your employment situation? Would it would be fair if he did? Why should he be held to a different standard? My assumption is he loves you very much and would not even consider such an attitude.

 

We like to pretend our attitudes developed in the "olden days" and feel that it's a husband's role to provide. Remember, in those days he also owned the wife as well in a very real sense. Do you feel it's proper for him to own you? If not, please consider marriage a place where both people do their loving best to support one another in all things.

 

Many people feel a marriage should be an equal partnership and this not just in the areas and ways we find convenient. If you needs to "provide" it might be useful the real reason for this; ideally in a place far away from the chilling effects of his family. In the meanwhile, please continue to support him as he grows in the same way I hope he does for you.

[pink_sugar]

analystfromhell, you bring up very good points! You have it nailed. My husband never thinks such things about me. I know he loves and is very attracted to and happy with me. You're right, it's probably the traditional gender role thinking affecting me and I know it shouldn't, because I'm typically not traditional (I kept my own last name). I guess it could be because our parents, (my dad and his mother and stepfather) believe it looks bad for a man to be constantly unemployed and for a wife to be supporting her husband. I know a few years back, his stepfather jumped down his throat, saying "You're man and wife now" after we married and basically insinuating he needs a stable job to support me. I was actually offended by that. I really hate the term "man and wife" like I'm a piece of property. And my dad also makes similar remarks such as "if a man is unemployed, he constantly needs to be looking for work" which is contrary to his beliefs, because when he and my mom were together, he believed in an equal partnership household. But for me personally, I've always been for house husbands and men who are sensitive. I need to stick to my thinking and not let the negativity get to me.

[beenburned]

When my BIL and SIL got married, he supported her to finish her college degree.

She got a good job making more money than him.

 

Fast forward to first child being born, they did the typical child care routine. For 7 years she advanced up the ladder, moving them to different states along the way. He was lucky to get transfers, within his same company, to the other states.

 

Second child is born and is put in child care, while older sibling has started to school. The stress and schedules are fast and frantic!

 

Third child is born, while the 2 older siblings go to school. Mom now makes twice the salary as Dad and both are totally frustrated at their rat race life.

 

She asks her H to become a house husband just until the baby starts to school!

It worked out very well and everyone is totally happy with their lifestyle!!!

 

The baby is now turning 4 yrs old, and when he gets in 1st grade his dad plans to return to his career.

 

Families are a team project and if something works well for them, you should never be ashamed!

[soserious1]

When my BIL and SIL got married, he supported her to finish her college degree.

She got a good job making more money than him.

 

Fast forward to first child being born, they did the typical child care routine. For 7 years she advanced up the ladder, moving them to different states along the way. He was lucky to get transfers, within his same company, to the other states.

 

Second child is born and is put in child care, while older sibling has started to school. The stress and schedules are fast and frantic!

 

Third child is born, while the 2 older siblings go to school. Mom now makes twice the salary as Dad and both are totally frustrated at their rat race life.

 

She asks her H to become a house husband just until the baby starts to school!

It worked out very well and everyone is totally happy with their lifestyle!!!

 

The baby is now turning 4 yrs old, and when he gets in 1st grade his dad plans to return to his career.

 

Families are a team project and if something works well for them, you should never be ashamed!

 

I don't know about that, I supported a SAH for several years & was frequently the target of whispered gossip, laughter and out and out nasty remarks.

 

I learned quickly to lie about what my husband did for a living or to change the subject lest I be asked embarrassing questions. A woman I used to work with actually came straight out & said that she & other people in our dept pitied me, because " how sad it is you have to pay a man to be with you, it must be rough to be so desperate for sex"

 

There's plenty of folks around who will be only to happy to help a bread winning wife feel the shame. There were also those who blamed me, saying that my saying my husband was a house husband was " emasculating" to him. I was not seen as a " good team" member & learned really fast that avoiding discussing the issue at all was my best bet.

 

OP, I would advise you to be very selective about letting people know you are the breadwinner, if you must discuss what you husband does for work, simply state that he is a consultant in whatever his field of study is/was.

Edited May 6, 2012 by soserious1

[Radu]

soserious1, between you and the OP there are probably major differences, we don't even know what countries you two are from, or what is your social background.

 

In my extended family i have an example like this.

She was 1yr older than him, she was smart and went to college [her parents could afford it], his parents could not afford it so he became a day labourer.

They got married and she convinced him to go to college. She supported him through a 5yr college while he also did part time jobs [she tutored] and they are still together to this day [30+ yrs later].

 

As someone else pointed out, don't let what other ppl think about him drag your opinion about him down ... you are family now.

His own family is your extended family now.

If you love him, don't even try to convince him of how messed up his family is. Just be there for him.

 

You should judge him just by his actions alone, and nothing else.

 

PS: And he should try harder to get a job, so that he can contribute.

[Radu]

I don't know about that, I supported a SAH for several years & was frequently the target of whispered gossip, laughter and out and out nasty remarks.

 

I learned quickly to lie about what my husband did for a living or to change the subject lest I be asked embarrassing questions. A woman I used to work with actually came straight out & said that she & other people in our dept pitied me, because " how sad it is you have to pay a man to be with you, it must be rough to be so desperate for sex"

 

There's plenty of folks around who will be only to happy to help a bread winning wife feel the shame. There were also those who blamed me, saying that my saying my husband was a house husband was " emasculating" to him. I was not seen as a " good team" member & learned really fast that avoiding discussing the issue at all was my best bet.

 

OP, I would advise you to be very selective about letting people know you are the breadwinner, if you must discuss what you husband does for work, simply state that he is a consultant in whatever his field of study is/was.

 

All the ppl you described are scum, but that's how many ppl ... they gloat at other ppl's perceived misery.

 

But, are you ok with how it turned out in the end between you and your SAH ?

Because that's all that matters in the end [that and your kids].

[soserious1]

soserious1, between you and the OP there are probably major differences, we don't even know what countries you two are from, or what is your social background.

 

In my extended family i have an example like this.

She was 1yr older than him, she was smart and went to college [her parents could afford it], his parents could not afford it so he became a day labourer.

They got married and she convinced him to go to college. She supported him through a 5yr college while he also did part time jobs [she tutored] and they are still together to this day [30+ yrs later].

 

As someone else pointed out, don't let what other ppl think about him drag your opinion about him down ... you are family now.

His own family is your extended family now.

If you love him, don't even try to convince him of how messed up his family is. Just be there for him.

 

You should judge him just by his actions alone, and nothing else.

 

PS: And he should try harder to get a job, so that he can contribute.

 

Radu,

 

All I can say is that there was plenty of "shame" dished out concerning my husband not having a job & the bulk of that shame was aimed at me. Finding a polite way out of such conversations rather than state the flat out truth was just a lot easier on me. I'm in the US if that makes a difference.

[Radu]

How old are you ?

 

From your description, i would say those women were not 'eliberated' but 'entitled', maybe even go as far as to say brats.

 

My example is from Eastern Europe [former communist country].

[pink_sugar]

I feel thinks are getting rocky with my husband. He's upset because I'm upset with him not being able to find a job. Hasn't had anything steady for 4-5 years. He just got a associate degree in management last year and that should be worth SOMETHING, but it doesn't seem like it. We live in a very high priced area and employers don't want to pay people squat. Another thing that bothers me is that he's gained 30lbs in the last 5 years. We was pretty skinny when we met, but he kinda has a bit of a pot belly now and call me shallow, but I'm just not finding him as attractive anymore. I've tried to explain this to him in every imaginable way, but he won't stop drinking sugary juice drinks, sodas and other high sugar and calorie beverages. I've tried to teach him moderation and healthy eating and he doesn't eat horribly, but something has contributed to the pot belly and it's not alcohol, because he doesn't drink. I try to eat healthy, work out each day, limit the amount of sugary snack food and sugary drinks in my diet to look good for him. But I feel he isn't trying. He thinks I'm expecting him to "drink and eat boring food" when I just mean have these things in moderation. We hear all these health risks regarding daily soda consumption and he still doesn't listen. I've been so frustrated and upset and I know it's making him unhappy. I don't know what to do.

[Radu]

I feel thinks are getting rocky with my husband. He's upset because I'm upset with him not being able to find a job. Hasn't had anything steady for 4-5 years. He just got a associate degree in management last year and that should be worth SOMETHING, but it doesn't seem like it. We live in a very high priced area and employers don't want to pay people squat. Another thing that bothers me is that he's gained 30lbs in the last 5 years. We was pretty skinny when we met, but he kinda has a bit of a pot belly now and call me shallow, but I'm just not finding him as attractive anymore. I've tried to explain this to him in every imaginable way, but he won't stop drinking sugary juice drinks, sodas and other high sugar and calorie beverages. I've tried to teach him moderation and healthy eating and he doesn't eat horribly, but something has contributed to the pot belly and it's not alcohol, because he doesn't drink. I try to eat healthy, work out each day, limit the amount of sugary snack food and sugary drinks in my diet to look good for him. But I feel he isn't trying. He thinks I'm expecting him to "drink and eat boring food" when I just mean have these things in moderation. We hear all these health risks regarding daily soda consumption and he still doesn't listen. I've been so frustrated and upset and I know it's making him unhappy. I don't know what to do.

 

You are certainly not selfish if you don't want your husband to be fat, as you see your attraction for him slipping away.

Have you tried telling him this in less roundabout ways ?

 

Have you tried to see if he is depressed ?; by that i mean look up the signs online and check them out against him.

 

At this point from your post it's like you're watching a trainwreck in slow motion.

[beenburned]

PS,

 

Sounds like he is depressed about the job situation!

 

soserious,

 

I'm sorry that you have had to deal with a lot of rude people!

My BIL is very well accepted by all of his neighbors/friends. He does lots of volunteer work at all of his kids schools! He also keeps a spotless house, cooks, does laundry, etc.

 

He worked for many years, enough to qualify for a pension. He also has a large 401K for when he gets retirement age.

 

I can't imagine that anyone would not think that he is pulling his fair share!